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Have a New Kid By Friday
#1
Rolleyes 
I wish...right? LOL

I'm half way through this book by Dr. Kevin Leman, and let me tell you, I am beginning to believe that DH and I will never get SS to change until we change. Why? Because SS has learned exactly how to get his pay off. He knows exactly how to get his "attention fix" from his dad and his dad is an unknowing participant. Or perhaps he does know but he doesn't know how to stop.

As the inside Outsider, I've been able to step back and experiment a bit with Leman's strategy, "say it once, turn your back, walk away" and "Your B doesn't happen until A is complete."

On Sunday, SS didn't do A, wanted to do B, but I said "no, I don't think so" He got all set to engage me in a long drawn out conversation (his payoff) - he even physically put himself in the nook where two countertops meet and asked me "what did I do wrong?"

Ha! I almost engaged in dialogue...only I caught myself, smiled, turned my back and walked myself to the bathroom to take a shower.

Really threw SS off center...he didn't get his payoff!
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#2
Hi Glenda!
I also recently found this slim book (I picked it up @ Walgreens while waiting (and waiting) for Rx counter service). Dr. Lerman's tactics provided more relief than antibiotics! Saying it once & walking away, works! For me, within days, I see a more agreeable kid taking me at my word the first time. Definitely working for me.
To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle." George Orwell
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#3
Ali Wrote:Hi Glenda!
I also recently found this slim book (I picked it up @ Walgreens while waiting (and waiting) for Rx counter service). Dr. Lerman's tactics provided more relief than antibiotics! Saying it once & walking away, works! For me, within days, I see a more agreeable kid taking me at my word the first time. Definitely working for me.

Hooray!!!! I love this tactic! And there's nothing hocus pocus about it. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Follow through, follow through, follow through!
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#4
What is the title to the book???? I can do this tactic easily, and ss stops, no fight ensues- but DH on the other hand will talk on and on- even after me saying repeatedly stop! You are giving him what he wants- attention and this is attention for bad behavior, not what we want to encourage. DH has no time to read- but I will read it and give him cliff notes Smile
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#5
cantbemom - i have the same issue. despite my problems with SD i have no problem telling her what to do and then walking away while she is screaming at me....BF on the other hand will explain explain explain...guess what she is doing while he is explaining? not paying attention and obviously not doing what she was told LOL
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#6
Fairydust Wrote:Oh I am so glad that my dh is not the ONLY one who will just sit and talk and talk and explain why she has to do this or why that is ok - I have told him over and over - she is 8 she doesn't care and she loves to get into these debates b/c she believes she can talk around it and get out of what she is to be doing or out of trouble.  Dh eventually talks them both in circles lol!

Glad I am not alone as well. SD likes to think she can talk her way out of it, all she ends up doing is talking him into more of a range all the while he won't shut up either...........i just want to step in and tape both their mouths shut LOL LOL....
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#7
My DH used to explain explain explain. And SS would YES him to death. And then one day, I talked to DH about this. Not while stuff was going on. Neutral territory. I asked him to try the "say it once, turn your back, walk away" for two weeks. Results: DH is not as wrapped around the SS axle as he used to be. The situation does not escalate to the point of DH backing SS into a wall. There is no discussion because that feeds into SS' manipulation for attention. It feeds his addiction to the high he gets out of creating conflict (known in ADD folks because the adrenaline rush gives them a chemical release that they have a hard time creating by doing other things...I think it triggers the dopamine) At any rate, with practice, DH has gotten the hang of this. We've both become less frustrated with SS because handling things dispassionately and without anger leaves us feeling better and SS to fend for himself and he's learning how to get POSITIVE attention by behaving better.
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#8
I finally downloaded this book...I read through "Monday" and I'm on the Tuesday part....Now..I'm reading it, really I am and I'm also telling myself, this is a joke, right?

I have no problem walking away from SD, not arguing with her, not engaging the argument. I have been using the "cookie" scenario...the "no, you can not have chocolate milk with dinner tonight because I did not like the way you talked to me," technique......PROBLEM: she doesn't care.....You walk away from her and she continues to throw a fit, the more you ignore her the more she suddenly forgets the fit and goes back to doing what she got in trouble for......Restating why she can not have what she wants doesn't help...not even the "it's okay (hug) no problem" when she apologizes and then when she asks again telling her she still can't have it works....Um, doesn't work..she couldn't care less.....sooooooooooo if I can't get past Monday....um...how is Tuesday going to work any?
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#9
Send her to her room.

Read the book all the way through. Keep an open mind.

No means no. "Because I said so" is a valid explanation.

But I will reiterate, that if your BF is not behind this 100% it doesn't matter what you do. He'll unintentionally undo what you are trying to do and your SD knows this.
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#10
Glenda Wrote:Send her to her room.

Read the book all the way through.  Keep an open mind.  

No means no.  "Because I said so" is a valid explanation.  

But I will reiterate, that if your BF is not behind this 100% it doesn't matter what you do.  He'll unintentionally undo what you are trying to do and your SD knows this.

Yep.

Didn't actually read all of the book - scanned it at the bookstore and saw that we were already doing most of it.

Yep.

Yep.
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