Hi Cathryn,
I’m glad to have found you and this site.
I am recently a Stepmother, recently as in the last month.
I knew that being a Stepmother would be hard, especially at my age.
I’m only 18.
My partner is 17, and his bubba was a mistake.
He didn’t want anything to do with his ex partner until she didn’t give him a say in this situation. She was having it, and that was it. He wasn’t so thrilled considering she is just simply mean and pushes everyone around and he really didn’t want to be stuck in her presence for the rest of his life.
I don’t blame him, but he is such a good person and of course was there through out the whole pregnancy, and that was hard for me to deal with. I know it was the right thing for him to do, so I pushed through it, but now the baby’s born, he has to go over her house for hours on end by himself.
I understand that he needs to connect with the baby and whatnot, but she brings the baby to his house as well, so I don’t see why someone else couldn’t go to her house when she’s home alone ?
He has done things in the past to lose my trust a little, so it’s hard to deal with that. It’s even harder knowing that she’s the type of woman that would use the baby just to get close to my partner, if she really wanted to.
My partner and I have only been together for six months. I know it doesn’t seem that long but when you’re so certain about someone, you can’t just leave, and I really want to make this work and get over these insecurities. Also, I’m really scared I’m not going to love the baby as much because he’s not my own, and because of the type of person his Mother is.
I forgot to add that all I had wanted for a long time was to be a young Mum and have a baby of my own, and now I can’t for a long time because my partner now has a new born, and his family wouldn’t support that. I’m really crushed about that, and at the fact that I don’t get to have his first child. Is this normal?
I’m honestly just writing to see what you had to say, and to see if I’m wrong for being so insecure. I have no idea how to deal with this.
I truly appreciate any feedback and thank-you for your time, Kim
CATHRYN’S REPLY:
My dear Kim,
You’re dealing with so many things as such a young age that I’m not sure I can offer you anything that will be helpful. I can tell you that it is very normal to want to have the first baby experience with the man you love and that this disappointment is something that many Stepmoms, especially the ones entering the relationship without any bio-kids experiences. We have a dream. It’s not going to happen with this man and there is nothing we can do to change the past. It’s very normal to feel this way.
Of all the things you wrote, let’s focus, for a moment, on the issue of trust and the fact that there are some trust issues with your partner, this is a very important aspect of any intimate relationship and, at your ages, with the passion so strongly stirring in your hearts and bodies, it’s something to think long and hard about before you make this relationship permanent. Sadly, love is not enough to make a relationship work.
You already know your ages.
You already know the reality of the situation.
What if you looked at things from a new perspective to see if it gives you any more insights into what YOU want and need.
Can you make a list of the “Top 50 things you want to experience in your life”?
Can you make a list of the “Top 50 qualities of the man of your Dreams”?
This is going to require some brutal honesty on your part because you already feel so much love for your present partner. However, you have another 70-80 years on the planet so it could be a good thing to look into what you really want in a partner. Your whole life is ahead of you and that’s a priceless thing, right?
Is there a counselor you could talk to about your feelings? About the strong pull you feel for this fellow? Not someone to tell you what to do but someone to help you understand why the strong attraction to someone who, right from the start is bringing you pain and denying your a lifelong dream AND still pulls at your heart?
This is NOT a right or wrong thing! This is an emotional exploration of your needs, wounds and wants so you can become very conscious of what you are doing and why. Are you a reader? If so, you may want to read a book I recommend to everyone called, “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Dr. Alice Miller. Even though you are still on the edge of your childhood, it will teach you things to help you understand yourself in new and profoundly helpful ways. If it feels right, take a look.
If you read the “Lessons Learned” under the “get help” button on the home page, you will read what a few dozen Stepmoms would have done differently if they could do it all over again. Take some time to read through through those as well.
I know that love is a powerful force. So is passion. What I want for you is that ability for you to have ALL that you deserve and the freedom to experience it with a man you love and want to share them with.
Could it be that this man is giving you a chance to calibrate, measure and become clear about what you DO and DON’t want from a partner?
Could he be an important person, but just a stepping stone, on your pathway of growth as you mature and become wiser and wiser about what YOU want from life?
Could it be that this experience is helping you become aware of some of your own emotional wounds that could really use your attention and healing at this time, before you make life impacting choices?
Life is quite a journey and even at 56, I’m still learning and growing and healing from experiences I had and choices I made throughout my life. I’ve been married and divorced and as I look back on those choices, I see how I learned from each experience. I also see how blinded I was by my the dreams of love and my unawareness of of how my choices were so compelled and driven by my emotional wounds. We all have lessons to learn and there’s something to learn from all our relationships so I don’t feel there’s a right or wrong in whatever you decide. How about an additional goal to be as aware (as conscious) as possible about all your choices and why you’re making them?
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and a strong, loving heart.
I wish you all kinds of insights and the joy that comes from personal revelations as you continue on your path. I hope you will sign up for the Bulletin board, if you haven’t already. Want a whole bunch of loving older sisters? We will help you as long as you want it!
Loving good wishes to you, Cathryn
