Hi Cathryn,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for over 3 years and needless to say his ex has NOT made it easy for us…for me to even be in the relationship. It’s been up and down, up and down. Recently she moved two hours away and we only see the kids every other weekend, which is fine.
Everything has been peaceful after two years of her social network stalking. I have made everything private and blocked her. Recently I downloaded the new “instagram app” well I’ve had it for 6 days and she found me!!! There was some pics of the kids when we went to the zoo this past weekend. Now she’s threatening to “stab me” and that I’m not allowed to come for the picking / dropping off of the kids anymore or she will come after me and that I’m being disrespectful of taking / posting pics of HER children as they are not mine. My boyfriend doesn’t care in fact he takes the pics half the time.
Am I wrong? I don’t feel that I am disrespecting her. I feel like I’m just living life. This has been an issue for 2 years any type of social networking {facebook, twitter, linkedin, etc} she finds me and harasses and nitpicks everything so I have to delete or block. It’s exhausting. in fact she might find me here as well 
The only thing I’m allowed to do is come get them with him since we have to use my car. I’m not allowed to do anything else kid related.
Please help.
CATHRYN’S REPLY
Hi there,
Boy oh boy I can certainly understand why you would feel exhausted and upset. Whenever someone else has such control and/or impact over our lives it can be infuriating! Here are a couple of things that come to my mind when I read your letter. Ultimately and your BF will have to decide how much to push and when to retreat on these issues because you know the whole situation.
Over the last 16 years, I’ve noticed that one of the hardest things for some bio-moms to accept, is that their ex-husband seems to be having a great time with another woman and HER kids. It seems like a “I didn’t want him and I don’t want him to be happy (ever again) form of envy. I’m not a bio-mom so I may be wrong here, but let’s say that’s how she’s feeling.
She’s out of control of what happens to her kids when they’re with you and their dad. This is often hard for both parents, but the bio-moms seem to have more complaints about how things “Look” to the community. In your case, the community is the world wide web (that’s a big community) and so I’m wondering if she’s distracting herself from whatever she’s feeling (insecure, jealous, left out, bitter, etc) by making it her obsession to track you all on-line. This is a common human avoidance strategy.
I found a way to have compassion for bio-moms by imagining how I’d feel if my husband’s ex-wife somehow got to take care of my beloved cats (Lily & Maddie). This was a real eye opener and heart wrencher as I felt all kinds of discomfort in the unknown of how they would be treated. If I saw her posting a photo on the web and it was not clear that the girls were “Cathryn’s Cats” i feel certain I’d not be happy about it. Does that make any sense to you?
Now having been on your side of the fence for 16 years, I understand why you want to share you family life with others and I wonder if there is just a teeny, tiny twinge of excitement that you feel, when you post photos of her kids, your BF’s Kids and your possibly future stepkids looking like the happy family we all dream about? Could that be true for you? If so, I completely understand.
Whether you get a secret or not-so-secret kick out of posting pictures of her kids under your name or being part of their everyday life, I think there are some ways you may be able to offer an olive branch of peace and still feel like you are free to “live life.” Here are a couple of thoughts:
1. What if you make sure your photo captions state that the kids are your BF’s kids so it is clear they are NOT yours? Not necessary but if painless to you, may show her the “respect” or maybe take the steam out of her objections.
2. What if your BF made a point of being the one to chose and display the photo under his on-line apps?
If these ideas feel a bit “icky” I wonder if it may be that you’re so longing to be a family that what you’re doing now is the only way you know how to give yourself a much needed sense of belonging and being included (such a wonderful feeling). Could it be that you are feeling a bit left out and the on-line stuff is a way for you to distract yourself from this yucky feeling?
Clearly I don’t know, just putting it out there for you to consider.
This stepfamily, divorced parents, bio-mom vs bio-dad stuff can be so incredibly painful and hard and exhausting. Believe me I know this to be true. It seems that now the key thing for you to do is to figure out how you can feel included, share your life and take yourself out of the line of fire and off her Radar screen. Make sense?
Also, if your BF is willing to take a stand about pick-ups and drop-offs, that would be cool. Where I live bio-parents have the rights to choose baby sitters and care-givers for kids while they are in their care and maybe he could even give you a letter to carry with you that authorizes you to act on his behalf in doing X , Y and Z for his kids. COuld that help you? Sometimes this works and sometimes it just inflames the bio-mom. If she is hostile (versus kind or civil), which it sounds like she is, you may never be able to do anything that is OK with her. That can be very hard to accept. Took me 13 years, sadly.
So, what can you do?
Look deeply into your motivations and be brutally honest with yourself.
Is this a power struggle between you and the bio-mom?
Are you getting some greater sense of inclusion or power by doing what you know will trigger her?
Are you trying to claim some “rights” for yourself in your family because you feel BF may not being standing up for you enough?
It’s all very human if this is true so no need to beat yourself up about it-just own it and then you can look at things and make some new choice about how to proceed.
What are some choices?
1.You can decide to live with her upset and the consequences of her wrath.
2.You can decide to modify your actions, show her some major compassion that she may never acknowledge but your BF may appreciate.
3.You can come up with some creative new ways to give you the feelings you were getting from the on-line pictures or pick-ups and start doing some of those to see how you feel.
4.You can make the fact that they are her children clear in all pictures and present yourself as the lucky Stepmom (even if not married you are surely in that role.)
5.You and your BF could brainstorm about ways to spare yourselves the strain of her anger and see what you come up with?
What are some other things you can do that give you a chance to focus your attention on giving you what you want in ways that don’t engage her in a head to head power struggle? This is where creative problem solving and “taking the high road” come in very handy.
If you think you are likely to be in this bio-mom’s life for the duration, whatever you can to, while still feeling you are respecting yourself, is a good investment in time and energy-from my point of you. Oh and the part of her not feeling respected? I’ve noticed that sometimes when a hostile bio-mom doesn’t know what else to say, she says this and it tends to distract us (am I doing that?) from the actual situation.
What’s your reaction to this and how do you feel about these ideas?
If you want to reply to me, just send me an email or write in the mailbox again and I will be happy to continue this process with you.
Good Luck with your Soul Searching and creative thinking.
I hope to hear from you again.
Best wishes, Cathryn
