Hi Cathryn,
I’m in a relationship with a great guy and wonderful father….He has three kids ranging age from 3 to 8.
The Bio-Mom told him she was done with the kids tonight. This is what he wants to have the kids all the time.
I’m fine with the kids here and to be part of their lives. I have no issues with the Bio-mom and seem to get along with her when we are in the same place.
The history between the Bio-mom and Bio-Dad….they never were married. They have been separated for over a 1 year. How it ended (I was told) She had affair. Now Bio-Dad does not respect her and really wants her to out of the picture.
Bio-Mom has been reported to Social Service for kicking her son in the face. Bio-mom does not cook and usually give the kids cereal, or frozen food for all meals. She does not love them after they have been punished. She seems to be interested and take kids when it hurts the Bio-Dad. Bio-mom has been in contact with other mothers who almost do everything with their kids. Bio-mom seem to be wanting to be there with them, but doesn’t really care about the kids once she is in the presents of other mothers.
The issue or question: lately bio-mom has been calling bio-dad for everything from bring foil to cook chicken for the kids, but in reality she had ham sandwiches to losing the keys to the car so Bio-Dad comes to the rescue.
This is what I believe why is Bio-mom is giving up the kids…bio-mom does not like that I am in the mix. Therefore by having the kids all the time, maybe I will leave and get tired of the kids. The kids are a hand full but seem to have a better time with us.
Plus, the Bio-Dad and I are having our own challenges and communication problems. The Bio-Dad has been having issues with me in the mix when it comes to having events with the Bio-mom. (but only then. other times with just me, him and the kids…we are fine)
I really don’t understand why she is giving up her kids other then what I describe. Am I thinking wrong? Why do I want her to step up to be a MOTHER? Should I not think of this?
I am just sad if she really wants to give up her kids and have nothing to do with them. If she thinks this will make me leave Bio-Dad…she has a rude waking.
Thanks for your response and I look forward to hearing from you
xappie
CATHRYN’S REPLY
Dear xappie,
I’ve read your letter 3 times now and each time I read it I feel overwhelmed by the potential number of issues I fear you’re about to face with this situation. I’d like to suggest that you read the section, “Lessons Learned” for some insights from other women who’ve been down the path you’re just beginning. (It’s under the “Get Help” now button.) While everyone’s situation has unique details, there’s much we share. Your relationship with your BF, it’s depth, strength and level of commitment are going to be a big factor is how all this effects your life going forward.
This biological mother, we call them bio-mom’s (or some call them BM’s), has got a lot of emotional issues and has already demonstrated some confusion over her desires and roles in the lives of her children. Her relationship with your BF and his feelings about her and his divorce are going to make a big difference in what happens going forward. While your BF is lucky to have you to help him, I feel the need to urge you to look at your needs and wants and dreams for your life.
Your question about “Why do I want her to step up to be a MOTHER? Short answer, perhaps because she IS the bio-mom and they are her responsibility. It’s a reasonable question and expectation. However, for whatever reasons she’s still doing what she’s doing, and from what you’ve described, she’s giving you a preview of her actions for the next 10-15 years!
There’s a lot of material on this site and this BB about what so many of us have experienced. A difficult bio-mom puts tremendous stress on you, your BF and your relationship…tremendous stress. Maybe something written here will help you find the answers you’re looking for. We’ll be here to support you along the way. Please join the Bulletin board so you can interact with others. You’re in for quite a journey.
I really wish you well, Cathryn
