1. My role is to love my stepkids but be the support & lover to my husband. I can’t change the kids, I can’t “parent” them in the traditional sense, I’m a mentor, a positive influence yes -but I have learned that the “mothering” is going to come from someone else in their lives. I do need to support my husband and be his biggest cheerleader. BM spends all her time and energy putting him down and because she plays the guilt card re: the kiddos I have to be his support- an encouragement and on his side. That doesn’t mean we don’t disagree at times, but I can’t allow bitterness & resentment to build on my end.
2. The issues were before me and will be after me. I can’t fix it, I can’t solve it, I can’t even make sense of it most of the time. The issues between DH & BM were around long before me and will last after I’m gone (or one of them are gone), so I have to accept that – make peace with it and find a way through. It’s my husband’s baggage and instead of buying the ticket to the station I try to keep the distance between the issues with them separate from my issues with him.
3. Guilt is one of the biggest motivators on earth. I can’t respond out of guilt, I should watch for my husband acting out of guilt and I have to remind us both not to fall into that trap. It’s BM’s most used weapon and at times it has caused both of us to act in ways that are contrary to our beliefs and value systems. There is a reason BM & DH are divorced. They have different values and different things they value. We ALL have to understand that, accept it and stop using guilt as a weapon.