Stepmoms on a Mission:
A Compassionate Exploration to Find Answers, Options and Hope
By Cathryn Bond Doyle
Table of Contents
Section One
A Stepmom and Her Self-Awareness
1. Practical and Empowering Expectations for a Stepmom on a Mission
Daisy Mae’s Story
2. Honoring vs. Shaming Your Feelings
Sharon’s Story
3. Healthy Boundaries vs. Hurtful Blockages
4. The Pros and Cons of Catastrophizing: Imagining Worst-Case Scenarios to Help Yourself
Chloe’s Story
5. Thinking of Leaving Your Partner?
6. Ten Suggestions for Creating an Enjoyable Mother’s Day
7. Potential Stepmom Missteps: Understandable, Unintentional, Common and Correctable
La Belle Reine’s Story
8. The Birth of Beliefs and Resentments: Discover How Your Beliefs Impact You Susan’s Story
9. Use Your Stressful Experiences to Find Relief, Healing and Empowerment
Section Two
A Stepmom Working with Resentment
Calla’s Story
10. Are You Over-Giving to Your Partner and Stepkids?
11. Why You Might Resist Giving Up Your Resentments
A Happily Ever After SMOM Story
12. Understanding Resentment: The Basics of This Painful Form of Anger
13. Eliminate Ongoing Resentments and Feel Great About It
14. Processing a Resentment in Real Time: A Stepmom Example
15. Resolving Resentments from the Past: Get What You Need to “Let It Go”
Ava’s Story
16. Embittered or Empowered?: Working with the Unchangeable Facts of Your Stepmom Life
17. Feeling like a Victim?: Reclaim Your Freedom with a Creative Choice
Section Three
A Stepmom’s Relationship with Her Partner
18. Resolve Conflicts in How You and Your Partner Handle Trauma: Acquire Super Powers as a Couple
A Hopeful Stepmom’s Story
19. His Kids: His Call: Transform Your Relationship and Radically Reduce Stress Between You and Your Partner
Gracie Lu’s Story
20. Nobody’s Right/Nobody’s Wrong: A Tactical Approach for Intimate Relationships
Jackie’s Story
21. Understanding Defensiveness: Finding Compassion for the Personal Defense Strategies You and Your Partner Bring to the Relationship
22. Stop Being Defensive with Each Other So You Can Listen and Talk Openheartedly
23. Three Yucky Relationship Projections Possible Between You and Your Partner
Section Four
A Stepmom’s Partner
Serenity Now’s Story
24. Emotional Callousing: Why Your Partner May Not Be Able to Understand What Upsets You
25. Supporting Your Partner Through Divorce Guilt and Fears
26. Your Partner’s Relationship with His Ex-Wife Impacts Your Partner’s Behavior: Learn More to Improve Your Relationship
27. Empathy for Your Partner: Stepfamily Stress from Your Partner’s Perspective
Section Five
A Stepmom and Her Stepkids
Robin’s Story
28. The Loyalty Wars: When Stepkids Feel Stressed About Loving Their Stepmom
29. Ever Get Angry When Your Stepkids Get Away with Things?: Discover the Reasons for Your Strong Reactions
30. Caring For vs. Catering To Your Stepkids
Jersey99’s Story
31. The “Stop Trying So Hard and Start Lovingly Ignoring Your Stepkids” Plan
Section Six
A Stepmom Dealing with Her Stepkids’ Uncooperative Bio-mom
Diane’s Story
32. “Sounds About Right”: Use This Approach When Bio-mom’s Actions Upset You
Courtney’s Story
33. When Your Stepkids’ Bio-mom Doesn’t Want to Get Along with You
Diana’s Story
34. Feeling Hatred?: Redirect These Intense Feelings to Reclaim Your Power
Pandora’s Relief’s Story
35. Is Your Stepkids’ Bio-mom Consistently Uncooperative?: Shifting Your Attitude and Approach Brings Relief
Christine’s Story
36. Managing an Uncooperative Bio-mom (and Stepkids): Reduce Stress Almost Immediately
Section Seven
Stepfamily Tips, Closing Comments and Additional Materials
37. Thirty-One Tips to Improve Your Well-Being and Stepfamily Relationships
Tip #1: Cue Cards for Your Partner—An Effective Way to Teach Your Partner What You Need to Hear
Tip #2: Refer to Your Partner’s Ex-wife as the Stepkids’ Mother (or Mom)
Tip #3: Ten Ways to Feel More Loved by Each Other
Tip #4: The Power of One Thing
Tip #5: A Satisfying Response to the Accusation, “You’re Not My Mother!”
Tip #6: Pause Before Doing Anything for Your Stepkids
Tip #7: Create Stress-Free Zones with Your Partner
Tip #8: Learn to Say “NO”
Tip #9: “Make It OK” for Your Partner to Change His Mind
Tip #10: Ask Your Stepkids If They Want You to Clarify You’re Their Stepmom
Tip #11: Get a Letter for Authority with Your Stepkids
Tip #12: Think Big Picture
Tip #13: R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Tip #14: Establish a Secret Support Code with Your Partner
Tip #15: When the Bio-mom Doesn’t Return Stepkids’ Clothes—Try This
Tip #16: Create a Calm Re-Entry Ritual When Stepkids Come to Your Home
Tip #17: Reminisce About Loving Times with Your Partner
Tip #18: A Third Alternative to Right/Wrong and Good/Bad Judgments
Tip #19: Responding to “You’re Being Over-Sensitive!”
Tip #20: Complain Consciously
Tip #21: Reframe the Comments Your Stepkids Make About Their Bio-mom
Tip #22: Use an Email Program to Communicate with Bio-mom
Tip #23: Encourage Yourself with a “Nice Job!”
Tip #24: Ask Your Partner for His TLC
Tip #25: Give Your Stepkids Some Genuine, Positive Power
Tip #26: A Mistake Allowance: Help Kids Enjoy Learning
Tip #27: End Your Power Struggles with Teenage Stepkids
Tip #28: Honor and Process Your Anger
Tip #29: Remember a Moment of Feeling Like Your Best Self!
Tip #30: Rituals and Traditions to Honor All Family Members
Tip #31: Bring Compassion to Yourself
38. Closing Comments: Do You Want to Be Right or Happy?
39. Bonus Materials on smoms.org/BonusChapters
40. Cathryn’s Public Articles on smoms.org
41. About the Author
Copyright 2018 Cathryn Bond Doyle. All Rights Reserved.
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