Everyone would adjust and get along wonderfully, spending countless hours bonding, sharing stories around the dinner table and taking family vacations.

Flash to reality. Enter Biological Mother.

Despite repeated attempts by Bond Doyle to talk and be civil about the new family and its rules, the biological mother became increasingly hostile and noncommunicative with her. Goodbye "happily ever after."

That's when Bond Doyle, a Medford Lakes resident and corporate motivational speaker, decided it was time to put her people skills to work for her and her new family.

In March 2000, she created "Stepmoms on a Mission" (SMOMS), a group committed to helping stepmothers gain support and hone the new skills needed in this complex relationship. The three principal skills that are focused on are self-care, anger processing and problem solving. And while group members take time to share their feelings and talk about individual experiences, Bond Doyle said the focus is always on action and what each stepmother (or "smom," as they are called in the group) can do to help prevent and/or solve negative situations confronting their new families.

"The key to SMOMS is that we are action-oriented as opposed to just a `listening and venting' group," said Bond Doyle, who was asked to leave a local support group she joined after becoming a stepmother because she was too focused on actions instead of only listening.

"We are committed to thriving, not just surviving, in our roles as stepmothers by taking responsibility for being as healthy, as loving, as creative and as wise as possible . . . . We can't control what comes at us, but we can find ways to (positively) respond to it."

Those attending SMOMS meetings share the same problem, Bond Doyle said - a "hostile bio-mom."

"It is important for people to know that we make a clear distinction between bio-moms and hostile bio-moms," Bond Doyle said. "There are many smoms who are also wonderful bio-moms, and we are by no means a group out to bash all bio-moms out there. We've developed the term "hostile bio-mom" simply as a description of fact. All our smoms are dealing with a hostile bio-mom, and many find us only after they've been up (many nights) in tears."

Meetings are free and provide each smom time to candidly share her feelings and experiences with the group without fear of judgment or criticism, as well as an opportunity to receive advice and feedback from other smoms who may be facing the same challenges with their stepchildren, husbands or hostile bio-moms. Bond Doyle also teaches smoms ways to incorporate the three basic principles into their routines to foster understanding and harmony among all family members.

"Most of the problems smoms experience with their `skids' (stepchildren) are very minor compared to (those) with the bio-moms," Bond Doyle said. "Most of the problems (stem) from tension between the skids' mom and dad or mom and stepmom. After all, they are kids. They feel that loyalty war issue. I've spent a lot of time with child psychologists to enhance my ability to coach these kids (and smoms)."

Bond Doyle provides many suggestions for smoms to help ease tension in the household.

Smoms can ask each member of the family to make a "wish list" of summer activities they'd like to participate in before the summer arrives. Each family member rates their activities from most important to least important, and everyone compromises and chooses one activity from each list so everyone has a say in what the family does. Forming a chores/rules chart for each member of the family provides the same effect, Bond Doyle said.

Smoms should plan weekly activities for just the kids and their father to enjoy. Smoms should discuss with their stepchildren how and when they feel they need to contact their bio-mom. This conveys to children that smoms are not attempting to replace the bio-mom and also provides uninterrupted time for smoms to develop their relationship with their stepchildren.

"It's amazing how intrusive hostile bio-moms can be with spontaneous phone calls at all times of the day and night," Bond Doyle said. "Bio-moms feel they have a right to talk to their kids whenever they want to, but they don't feel it is reciprocal. Pre-agreeing on a communication schedule (with the children) is worth its weight in gold."

Bond Doyle conducts a SMOMS meeting from 7-9:30 p.m. the third Tuesday of each month at a community center in Medford. Recently, she began to organize a second group at Princeton Public Library, 65 Witherspoon St. The new group comes as a result of many e-mails and phone calls from area residents asking Bond Doyle to form a local SMOMS chapter. The next meeting takes place 6 p.m. June 20. She also plans to form chapters in Conshohocken, Pa., and Philadelphia.

"We have people traveling up to 1 1/2 hours to come to the meetings in Medford, so our goal for the next year is to have a chapter in North Jersey as well, so everyone in the state will always be near a meeting."

Bond Doyle maintains a Web site (www.smoms.org) that offers virtual support through articles and commentary she's written, as well as a "bulletin board" that allows smoms anywhere to post questions and comments to which other smoms, and she, can respond.

Occasionally, she conducts 90-minute, conference-call meetings with up to 10 women from around the country who have visited the Web site. Many of the women have formed their own group e-mail lists to stay in touch with one another.

"The beauty of the Web site is that smoms can get the support they need (or want) without the pressure of time or travel," she said. "They can connect in the middle of the night or day . . . . and really develop friendships, even with people they have never physically met."

Bond Doyle, a graduate of the University of Hartford, also is writing a book, in which several publishers have expressed an interest, she said. She expects publication to take place before the end of the year.

NOTE: For more information about SMOMS and its services, visit (www.smoms.org) or contact Bond Doyle at (609) 953-2657 or cathryn@smoms.org