SMOM Tips submitted by: Cathryn

Stepkids for the Summer? Some relationship tips to help the situation!

Tip #	Tip
1	Plan for and commit to a weekly, "Dad and his kids" activity that gives them weekly alone time. This doesn't preclude other activieis, it is just a cast in stone time they can look forward to and it will make the SKids feel valued by this commitment of time...just for them. Have the Skids and their Dad make their own list of things they can do during that time frame. As for you..."Gift" them with this time so there is no resentment or bad vibes between anyone over this Dad and Kids time.
2	Pre-agree on how and when the Skids will communicate with the bio-mom. There are few things as aggravating as being in the middle of having a joyful, "Happy family" moment and having the skids NEED to call their bio-mom or vice versa. Do not leave this to chance. Making the "when they will talk" formal will give the skids and their bio-mom a known time to stay connected that can be planned around and looked forward to. It shows respect for your time and for their relationship. Agreeing on the "how" they talk (who's phone, etc.) will save arguments and/or unwelcome surprises as well.
3	Create "Family Rules" not just skids or kids rules. Consider posting a list of family rules for behavior, chores etc. so the SKids will not be treated as special or less than any other kids in your home. Please gain your husband's support for all these things so there are no arguments or tensions once the Skids arrive.
4	Pre-agree on what is and is not important or correctable behavior for the Skids. Most of us SMOMs share the belief that we are supposed to be a good influence on the SKids when they are in our homes. However, we may find that Skids and Dads have a different view about some things. Specifically, if teeth-brushing, bed-making, table-setting or manners, is NOT important to your husband and he is not willng to enforce or insist on the things you feel the Skids should do...agree to drop it BEFORE they get there. Have this conversation with your husband before the SKids arrive and you will be saving yourself countless hours of tension with your hubby and his kids. We SMOMS have learned through great pain and stress that some things are just not worth giving up your peacefulness over. Hygiene and chores are two key areas. You may have to put duct tape over your mouth literally or figuratively (I have to do that about teeth-brushing or should I say the lack of teeth-brushing). Write down the things your husband is willing to insist on or enforce and, once again, please do that before the Skids arrive. It will make a huge difference in your summer. Give it a try.
5	Invent a code word or phrase that is secret between you and your hubby. It is a signal that means, "I need your attention, support, love right now-please!" It is a way for the two of you to support each other, to stay connected and to ask for help when something pushes one of your buttons or creates an unexpected problem.
6	Have everyone in your summer household make a summer "Wishlist" of activities ASAP. Get Everyone to write everything down and then "STAR" the top 10 things. Not 1-10 just 10 Stars. Gather up the lists and figure out how to give everyone a couple of star-wishes. If you start with 10 wishes from everyone and see how many of them you can grant, then you can fill in with the other wishes as your time, budget and logistics allow. Make sure the final list shows that all the children in the household are being treated equally by giving them each the same number of their starred wishes. We all know how good they are at finding rasons to show us someone is not being treated fairly. You may be delighted to find that there are many, over-lapping wishes and that can make your announcement of summer activies a really fun experience. Kids like having a choice and a say in what happens. (You doesn't?!) So many of them feel out of control(are out of control), many of these ideas are successful because you are giving them choice, where choice is AOK for you two as well.
7	Make a series of Dates, over the summer, with your Sweetheart so you know that no matter how much time he lavishes on his kids, you two will still be able to look forward to some private time together. Agree that your time will be an "Ex-Free Zone," meaning during that time, you both agree NOT to talk about anything that has to do with the SKids or the bio-mom-just wallow in each other's attention. Sounds great and it will be. It will also make it easier for you to give up some of your Hubby's time and attention while he is sharing it with his kids. Again, these things are "emotional Gifts" you can give each other to create a happy experience.

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