SMOM Tips submitted by: Margie

Things I've learned being a step mom (3 years now)

Tip #	Tip
1	Let the skids learn to love you on their timing/terms. Each child will take his/her own route. Just be available. Don't force your affection on them. Let them approach you first. My SD was 7 when we met...we fell in love immediately. SS15 was probably 16 before he whole-heartedly hugged me and told me he loved me. SS13...still waiting...he's 16 now and going through his own teen crises...
2	BM was a big time enemy in the beginning. I still don't trust her and still don't like the way she does thing...BUT...the kids get along better with me and their dad when they can see us all getting along. I have always built BM up to my skids...she is their hero and I will not try to take that away or it will backfire on me. I have always made sure for birthdays, mother's day, Christmas, etc. that we take the kids out to get gifts/cards for BM. I have not 'stolen' any moments from BM. When SD asks questions that i know where important moments to me and my mom...i tell her to talk to BM about them because they are "special mommy/daughter conversations." We have come a long way in 3 years...BM and I get along as well as could be expected...it takes a lot of pride swallowing and taking the high road.
3	Try as much as possible to find and outlet outside of your husband to do your venting...he is under a lot of pressure already. If he is not the custodial parent, he will be dealing with his own feelings of guilt...venting too much about things the kids or BM do can escalate his anxiety.
4	if you are about to embark on step-parenthood...know this: as hard as you think it's going to be, it will be harder. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. Do not take your decision lightly.
5	It is highly likely that when the skids are at your house for visitation, you will feel somewhat displaced. There is so much history there that you missed out on. Many times that realization is a very painful one. It is not a realization that comes only once and then goes away...it is a realization that comes again and again.
6	You will very likely have different parenting styles than your DH and the BM had. They had years (sometimes) to develop their style together. It can be threatening sometimes to DH when you have other ways/views of raising children.
7	SMoms have to walk on eggshells. You are expected by DH and BM to take on parental responsibilities in caring for their children. However, that position does NOT come with any parental rights. And you are not allowed to make mistakes the mistakes that DH and BM make with their kids. It sucks. Be ready for it!

Return to Tips Home Page