<![CDATA[SMOMS Forums - All Forums]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/ Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:26:35 +0000 MyBB <![CDATA[New book-Some SMOMS's stories included]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34717 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:11:51 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34717
Just want to tell you about a new book that has recently come out.
The book is titled, "An Intricate Dance: Stepparents tell us how they found their rhythm."

It's by Susan Philips.
I worked very closely with her as she wrote this book.
There are also 3 case studies from SMOMS in her book and while they are anonymous in the book, I thought you might all want to check it out. I understand you can read several pages on Amazon if you wish.

Susan wrote an earlier book about adult stepchildren and how they viewed their situations growing up. Susan is a stepmom herself, as well as a bio-mom whose kids had a stepmom who wasn't interested in getting involved with her kids. This was hard for Susan and she fell in love with SMOMS when she read so many of our stories and how hard we've all tried. She said many times, throughout her writing process, how much she wished her kids had a stepmom on a mission like all of us.

I wanted you to know about the book and support her efforts.
The the SMOMS who were chosen as case studies, "Bravo" to you all as well. Smile Cathryn]]>
Just want to tell you about a new book that has recently come out.
The book is titled, "An Intricate Dance: Stepparents tell us how they found their rhythm."

It's by Susan Philips.
I worked very closely with her as she wrote this book.
There are also 3 case studies from SMOMS in her book and while they are anonymous in the book, I thought you might all want to check it out. I understand you can read several pages on Amazon if you wish.

Susan wrote an earlier book about adult stepchildren and how they viewed their situations growing up. Susan is a stepmom herself, as well as a bio-mom whose kids had a stepmom who wasn't interested in getting involved with her kids. This was hard for Susan and she fell in love with SMOMS when she read so many of our stories and how hard we've all tried. She said many times, throughout her writing process, how much she wished her kids had a stepmom on a mission like all of us.

I wanted you to know about the book and support her efforts.
The the SMOMS who were chosen as case studies, "Bravo" to you all as well. Smile Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[Turn Frustrations into Positive Actions]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34713 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 21:51:21 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34713 Turning Frustration Into Positive Action

Want to listen to a live version of this talk?
Click on the following to listen to 45-minute talk. Click HERE for Speech link under Cathryn's Photo

Turning Frustration Into Positive Action

Frustrations are so annoying, aren’t they?

Seems like they always hit us when we’re not in the mood or when we don’t have time for them. The goal of this article is to give you some new insights into frustration so you’ll realize that staying frustrated about something is a choice within your control. We’ll review the causes, the costs, the surprising benefits and some alternatives to feeling unavoidably frustrated. Then I’ll offer some new ideas to try next time frustration knocks at your door and tries to ruin your day.

An old tale: What’s the difference between a good and a bad day of fishing? It’s clearly NOT how many fish you catch or the weather. The difference is the attitude and intention of the one fishing. Catching a spare tire, three cans and a log can be very frustrating and ruin your day or the same set of circumstances can become a favorite “fish tale” for years to come. Once we realize we’re in charge of choosing how we’re going to feel about something, we can see that there are many different ways we can feel about an event or action or thought. It’s an eye-opener that we have more control over our feelings than we may think.

Back in the 70’s, I watched Phil Donahue interview two daughters of an abusive and alcoholic father, one became an alcoholic and the other one had never had a drink. As they had taken two extremely different paths he asked them, “Why did you make the choice you did?” I found myself stunned for a moment when they answered the same way. “With an alcoholic father, what did you expect?”

Wow! That really hit me. They each thought they were making the only logical choice and yet they made two completely different choices under the exact same circumstances. That’s an example of the impact and the power of our choices. What we think and how we feel about what happens to us everyday shapes our lives. Becoming frustrated is part of being human. Staying frustrated is a choice. And that’s the good news about all human behavior. We can make new choices at any time.

What is frustration?

The dictionary tells us it’s, “a state of mind or being when prevented from accomplishing a purpose, fulfilling a desire or solving a problem.” The intensity of frustration is often related to the degree of control we have to change things. This is why children and senior citizens often get so frustrated at situations where they have little or no control over what happens to them: the less control, the more frustration.

Why do we STAY frustrated when things go wrong?

Upon reflection, some people find they’re kind of addicted to being frustrated. When people are addicted to something, they don’t continue doing whatever to feel good, they do it to stop from feeling something worse. When we’re frustrated it can distract us from our own feelings and we can justify making someone else responsible for our situation. Feelings of frustration can mask our own guilt about something we’d rather not face and help us legitimize non-action. In the business world, people prefer frustration because they think if they take action to solve a problem, someone might think they’re to blame.

On the other hand, some folks seem to have perfected frustration to an art form. They’re actually good at it and seem to be comfortable in a state of frustration. Why do they do that? What are they getting out of being frustrated? What are the benefits of being frustrated?

The 7 Benefits (pay-offs) of Staying Frustrated:

1. When you’re frustrated, you become an automatic member of the “Ain’t it Awful Club.” This is a very big group. They meet in coffee rooms and restaurants worldwide. Everyone gets lots of morale support and that feels good. Feeling good is a pay-off.

2. You get to feel better about yourself by focusing on how bad or stupid something or someone else is. You know, the blame game and all that. Out of this comes a short-lived and false sense of improved self-esteem. It doesn’t last long but it can feel good in the moment.

3. When you’re frustrated you get to compete in the, “I got it worse” competition. Remember that scene in the movie Jaws, in the hull of the ship, when the Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfus began to talk about their wounds? It was hysterical and a good example of how much fun people can have topping each other’s tales of misery. Fun is a pay-off.

4. Expressing frustration can be a great way to generate sympathy and love from friends and family. “You poor thing” can feel real good after a long day. It doesn’t fix anything but it can feel good in the moment.

5. Staying stuck in frustration is risk-free! Avoiding the risk of taking action feels very good to some.

6. Frustration can be viewed as an image booster. “See how important I am to be so stressed out?” Society really supports the nobility of struggle.

7. Frustration can foster self-pity. The distracting and numbing effects of feeling sorry for ourselves is often favored over taking action or responsibility for situations.

The 7 Costs of Frustration


1. Frustration is an energy zapper.

2. Frustration robs us of our productivity and wastes time.

3. When we’re frustrated, we give “power” to another person or situation. That can make us feel helpless and out of control. And that’s enraging.

4.If frustrations are ignored or unrecognized they can ferment into depression, anxiety or boredom.

5.Being frustrated can sour relationships. Venting our frustrations on those we care about most (because we assume they will forgive us) can have a sad and negative impact on everyone.

6. Feeling frustrated lowers our self-esteem and self-respect, since a part of us knows we could change things if we took some action.

7.Frustration taints our view of the world. It’s like looking through a muddy distorted lens.

Some people handle frustrations better than others.

Why is that? They seem more focused and confident, less blaming and more committed to dealing with the sources of their frustrations so they can get on with it—whatever “it” is. They act as if they hear the Rocky music in their heads when frustration hits. More times than not, they fix the situation and get back to feeling good about things. What are they doing? How do they resist the alluring pay-offs of feeling frustrated? What is it that makes them decide to take positive action?


In general, it’s because they have a strategy, a plan or an approach that works for them. They also tend to be optimistic that a solution is doable. The following is an alternative to staying frustrated. Next time you’re feeling frustrated make a new decision to “deal with it right away.” As soon as you recognize that feeling in the pit of your stomach, stop everything and ask yourself these questions: How am I contributing to this situation? What can I do differently to make myself feel better? Who could help me with this? These questions will open up new possibilities and disengage any negative cycle of blaming and avoiding.



Alternatives to staying frustrated. What are the options?

If you’re willing to do something about the source of your frustration, what’s next? What are your choices? This is where creativity and possibility thinking becomes powerful. Ask yourself these 3 questions: “How can I accept the situation and reframe my view of this situation so it no longer bothers me?” “What can I do to change this situation so it will no longer be frustrating?” “Do I need to stop doing something or leave this situation?”

Let’s go through each question with a simple example.

How can I accept the situation and reframe my view of it so it no longer bothers me? Ex: If you’re frustrated by the long, morning commute, could you begin to listen to books on tape? Create a car pool? Splurge on a CD player for better music? If you can find something else to do during that time, the commute will stay the same but you’ll be enjoying the time and therefore the frustration will lessen or disappear.

What can I do to change this situation so it will no longer be frustrating? This calls for some creativity to come up with new choices that could work. Ex: In the same commuting frustration. If you can’t reframe the situation, what other possibilities could you create? Change the route? Work from a new location? Work from Home? Get a car you love to drive? If you find a choice you like, create an action plan and get busy.

Do I need to stop doing something or leave this situation? Unfortunately society can judge stopping or leaving something as quitting. For those of us with that internal or external critic, stopping or leaving a situation, even after you have done all that you can do, takes courage. Sometimes this is the healthiest and best option.

Can’t figure out what’s frustrating you? 

Start a frustration log, no kidding! Every time you feel any level of frustration, write down the time, the place, the circumstances, the way you felt and how you dealt with the situation. Within two to four weeks, you’ll see a pattern emerge. You’ll begin to realize the relationship between certain activities, certain people, certain times and these observations can lead to great improvements in the quality of your day and in the happiness you feel.



An example: A guy noticed he was always coming home from work on Fridays in a bad mood. That didn’t seem right and he couldn’t figure out what was making him feel so badly. He kept his log and upon reflection, he noticed a couple of things. He was in a good mood when he woke up and left the house on Fridays. He was cranky by the time he left for home at the end of the day. He was still feeling good during his am coffee break but by lunch he was usually annoyed and frustrated.

OK, what happened between coffee and lunch? He held a weekly status meeting, originally intended as a time saving tool to prepare for the week to come. He realized, it had evolved into a review of all the problems and unresolved situations that required his personal attention but that couldn’t be handled until next week. Upon realizing that he was carrying a tremendous amount of stress home for the weekend, he changed that staff meeting to Thursday afternoon. He spent Friday taking care of the critical issues so he could leave on Friday knowing the status of each situation. He arrive home feeling relaxed. See how creating new choices can help you use feeling frustrated as a clue that its time to do something differently?

Once you interrupt the frustrating feelings by making a decision to do something about it, you’ll usually feel the excitement that results from knowing you’re taking responsibility for your own well-being. 

With all these possible obstacles to taking positive and creative action steps there are also many rewards.

It’s much more fun.
Creative problem solving can create miracles.
Being creative and resolving problems is genuinely energizing and naturally motivating.
It feels good to be doing the right thing. Both the decision and the actual process of taking positive action makes us feel more powerful & more valuable.
Your self-respect will increase & your self-esteem will genuinely improve.
Sometimes…your actions will dazzle the people around you. (That’s always fun!)

We can’t eliminate the causes of frustration in our lives but we can surely manage and minimize their negative impact on our health, our relationships and our happiness. After reading this article, I hope you will make the choice to turn your frustrations into positive action. One way to get started is to make a list of all the things that are frustrating you today. Go through the list and pick at least one alternative for each frustration. Do I accept it and reframe it? Do I change things by creating a new choice? Do I want to end or leave this situation?

Start with the small annoyances and distractions. This will help you gain some experience and confidence while you’re eliminating irritations…all at the same time.


Copyright 2002 Cathryn Bond Doyle.
Revised 2012 Cathryn Bond Doyle. All rights reserved.]]> Turning Frustration Into Positive Action

Want to listen to a live version of this talk?
Click on the following to listen to 45-minute talk. Click HERE for Speech link under Cathryn's Photo

Turning Frustration Into Positive Action

Frustrations are so annoying, aren’t they?

Seems like they always hit us when we’re not in the mood or when we don’t have time for them. The goal of this article is to give you some new insights into frustration so you’ll realize that staying frustrated about something is a choice within your control. We’ll review the causes, the costs, the surprising benefits and some alternatives to feeling unavoidably frustrated. Then I’ll offer some new ideas to try next time frustration knocks at your door and tries to ruin your day.

An old tale: What’s the difference between a good and a bad day of fishing? It’s clearly NOT how many fish you catch or the weather. The difference is the attitude and intention of the one fishing. Catching a spare tire, three cans and a log can be very frustrating and ruin your day or the same set of circumstances can become a favorite “fish tale” for years to come. Once we realize we’re in charge of choosing how we’re going to feel about something, we can see that there are many different ways we can feel about an event or action or thought. It’s an eye-opener that we have more control over our feelings than we may think.

Back in the 70’s, I watched Phil Donahue interview two daughters of an abusive and alcoholic father, one became an alcoholic and the other one had never had a drink. As they had taken two extremely different paths he asked them, “Why did you make the choice you did?” I found myself stunned for a moment when they answered the same way. “With an alcoholic father, what did you expect?”

Wow! That really hit me. They each thought they were making the only logical choice and yet they made two completely different choices under the exact same circumstances. That’s an example of the impact and the power of our choices. What we think and how we feel about what happens to us everyday shapes our lives. Becoming frustrated is part of being human. Staying frustrated is a choice. And that’s the good news about all human behavior. We can make new choices at any time.

What is frustration?

The dictionary tells us it’s, “a state of mind or being when prevented from accomplishing a purpose, fulfilling a desire or solving a problem.” The intensity of frustration is often related to the degree of control we have to change things. This is why children and senior citizens often get so frustrated at situations where they have little or no control over what happens to them: the less control, the more frustration.

Why do we STAY frustrated when things go wrong?

Upon reflection, some people find they’re kind of addicted to being frustrated. When people are addicted to something, they don’t continue doing whatever to feel good, they do it to stop from feeling something worse. When we’re frustrated it can distract us from our own feelings and we can justify making someone else responsible for our situation. Feelings of frustration can mask our own guilt about something we’d rather not face and help us legitimize non-action. In the business world, people prefer frustration because they think if they take action to solve a problem, someone might think they’re to blame.

On the other hand, some folks seem to have perfected frustration to an art form. They’re actually good at it and seem to be comfortable in a state of frustration. Why do they do that? What are they getting out of being frustrated? What are the benefits of being frustrated?

The 7 Benefits (pay-offs) of Staying Frustrated:

1. When you’re frustrated, you become an automatic member of the “Ain’t it Awful Club.” This is a very big group. They meet in coffee rooms and restaurants worldwide. Everyone gets lots of morale support and that feels good. Feeling good is a pay-off.

2. You get to feel better about yourself by focusing on how bad or stupid something or someone else is. You know, the blame game and all that. Out of this comes a short-lived and false sense of improved self-esteem. It doesn’t last long but it can feel good in the moment.

3. When you’re frustrated you get to compete in the, “I got it worse” competition. Remember that scene in the movie Jaws, in the hull of the ship, when the Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfus began to talk about their wounds? It was hysterical and a good example of how much fun people can have topping each other’s tales of misery. Fun is a pay-off.

4. Expressing frustration can be a great way to generate sympathy and love from friends and family. “You poor thing” can feel real good after a long day. It doesn’t fix anything but it can feel good in the moment.

5. Staying stuck in frustration is risk-free! Avoiding the risk of taking action feels very good to some.

6. Frustration can be viewed as an image booster. “See how important I am to be so stressed out?” Society really supports the nobility of struggle.

7. Frustration can foster self-pity. The distracting and numbing effects of feeling sorry for ourselves is often favored over taking action or responsibility for situations.

The 7 Costs of Frustration


1. Frustration is an energy zapper.

2. Frustration robs us of our productivity and wastes time.

3. When we’re frustrated, we give “power” to another person or situation. That can make us feel helpless and out of control. And that’s enraging.

4.If frustrations are ignored or unrecognized they can ferment into depression, anxiety or boredom.

5.Being frustrated can sour relationships. Venting our frustrations on those we care about most (because we assume they will forgive us) can have a sad and negative impact on everyone.

6. Feeling frustrated lowers our self-esteem and self-respect, since a part of us knows we could change things if we took some action.

7.Frustration taints our view of the world. It’s like looking through a muddy distorted lens.

Some people handle frustrations better than others.

Why is that? They seem more focused and confident, less blaming and more committed to dealing with the sources of their frustrations so they can get on with it—whatever “it” is. They act as if they hear the Rocky music in their heads when frustration hits. More times than not, they fix the situation and get back to feeling good about things. What are they doing? How do they resist the alluring pay-offs of feeling frustrated? What is it that makes them decide to take positive action?


In general, it’s because they have a strategy, a plan or an approach that works for them. They also tend to be optimistic that a solution is doable. The following is an alternative to staying frustrated. Next time you’re feeling frustrated make a new decision to “deal with it right away.” As soon as you recognize that feeling in the pit of your stomach, stop everything and ask yourself these questions: How am I contributing to this situation? What can I do differently to make myself feel better? Who could help me with this? These questions will open up new possibilities and disengage any negative cycle of blaming and avoiding.



Alternatives to staying frustrated. What are the options?

If you’re willing to do something about the source of your frustration, what’s next? What are your choices? This is where creativity and possibility thinking becomes powerful. Ask yourself these 3 questions: “How can I accept the situation and reframe my view of this situation so it no longer bothers me?” “What can I do to change this situation so it will no longer be frustrating?” “Do I need to stop doing something or leave this situation?”

Let’s go through each question with a simple example.

How can I accept the situation and reframe my view of it so it no longer bothers me? Ex: If you’re frustrated by the long, morning commute, could you begin to listen to books on tape? Create a car pool? Splurge on a CD player for better music? If you can find something else to do during that time, the commute will stay the same but you’ll be enjoying the time and therefore the frustration will lessen or disappear.

What can I do to change this situation so it will no longer be frustrating? This calls for some creativity to come up with new choices that could work. Ex: In the same commuting frustration. If you can’t reframe the situation, what other possibilities could you create? Change the route? Work from a new location? Work from Home? Get a car you love to drive? If you find a choice you like, create an action plan and get busy.

Do I need to stop doing something or leave this situation? Unfortunately society can judge stopping or leaving something as quitting. For those of us with that internal or external critic, stopping or leaving a situation, even after you have done all that you can do, takes courage. Sometimes this is the healthiest and best option.

Can’t figure out what’s frustrating you? 

Start a frustration log, no kidding! Every time you feel any level of frustration, write down the time, the place, the circumstances, the way you felt and how you dealt with the situation. Within two to four weeks, you’ll see a pattern emerge. You’ll begin to realize the relationship between certain activities, certain people, certain times and these observations can lead to great improvements in the quality of your day and in the happiness you feel.



An example: A guy noticed he was always coming home from work on Fridays in a bad mood. That didn’t seem right and he couldn’t figure out what was making him feel so badly. He kept his log and upon reflection, he noticed a couple of things. He was in a good mood when he woke up and left the house on Fridays. He was cranky by the time he left for home at the end of the day. He was still feeling good during his am coffee break but by lunch he was usually annoyed and frustrated.

OK, what happened between coffee and lunch? He held a weekly status meeting, originally intended as a time saving tool to prepare for the week to come. He realized, it had evolved into a review of all the problems and unresolved situations that required his personal attention but that couldn’t be handled until next week. Upon realizing that he was carrying a tremendous amount of stress home for the weekend, he changed that staff meeting to Thursday afternoon. He spent Friday taking care of the critical issues so he could leave on Friday knowing the status of each situation. He arrive home feeling relaxed. See how creating new choices can help you use feeling frustrated as a clue that its time to do something differently?

Once you interrupt the frustrating feelings by making a decision to do something about it, you’ll usually feel the excitement that results from knowing you’re taking responsibility for your own well-being. 

With all these possible obstacles to taking positive and creative action steps there are also many rewards.

It’s much more fun.
Creative problem solving can create miracles.
Being creative and resolving problems is genuinely energizing and naturally motivating.
It feels good to be doing the right thing. Both the decision and the actual process of taking positive action makes us feel more powerful & more valuable.
Your self-respect will increase & your self-esteem will genuinely improve.
Sometimes…your actions will dazzle the people around you. (That’s always fun!)

We can’t eliminate the causes of frustration in our lives but we can surely manage and minimize their negative impact on our health, our relationships and our happiness. After reading this article, I hope you will make the choice to turn your frustrations into positive action. One way to get started is to make a list of all the things that are frustrating you today. Go through the list and pick at least one alternative for each frustration. Do I accept it and reframe it? Do I change things by creating a new choice? Do I want to end or leave this situation?

Start with the small annoyances and distractions. This will help you gain some experience and confidence while you’re eliminating irritations…all at the same time.


Copyright 2002 Cathryn Bond Doyle.
Revised 2012 Cathryn Bond Doyle. All rights reserved.]]> <![CDATA[Boundaries vs Blockages: What's the difference?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34592 Sat, 23 Mar 2013 00:21:46 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34592 Healthy Boundaries vs Hurtful Blockages

Whenever we’re in an uncomfortable situation, one useful approach that can help is to look at our personal boundaries to see if there are any violations of present boundaries or maybe even a clear need for a revised or new boundary. When a boundary is clear and strongly upheld, with a grounded action plan for any violations, we can relax knowing that this particular piece of our emotional realm is safe. It’s a good feeling.

However when we make a choice that looks like a boundary, but we still feel angry or like we can’t let the situation go, it may actually be a blockage, not a boundary. Blockages prevent love from flowing and that is hurtful. (Not wrong or bad, just hurtful.)

So, what’s the difference between a good healthy boundary and a hurtful blockage?

I was taught to look at the two in a certain way, which I’m about to explain.
See if it makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

A healthy boundary is like a screen door. It keeps out the dreaded bugs or other things and it still lets in the light and air while also allowing us to see clearly what else is on the other side of the screen. With a good screen door we can relax and don’t have to spend any time or energy worrying about those unwanted things getting into our space.

A hurtful blockage is like a solid steel vault door. It keeps out the unwanted things for sure. It also keeps everything else out as well. With a good steel vault door one doesn’t have to worry about the dreaded things getting in but it also stops the light, the air and anything else potentially good, that presents itself at the door. This can be hurtful to the things on the other side of the door and is also probably hurtful to the one inside because she doesn’t know what she’s missing.

With this analogy, we can apply it to many things in our stepmothering journeys since so much of the pain we feel is about boundaries being violated, beliefs being trampled and feelings being ignored, disregarded and/or judged as wrong (which is hurtful).

With a strong, clear boundary, we can still let all the good things flow between us and the people impacted by the boundary. When we have a strong clear boundary, we can open our hearts, knowing that IF the boundary is violated, we will deal with it in the future. Happily, this boundary gives us the freedom and confidence to relax AND creates chances for joy, love and respect and unexpected good things to flow through the screen of our healthy boundary. This is a good thing for all parties effected by your boundary.

When our boundaries have been repeatedly pushed, dented and violated to the point where we finally push back, sometimes what we think are boundaries are actually blockages. Sometimes there’s so much rage or hurt that we feel the need (consciously or not) to slam a steel door in the face of the one who’s violated our boundaries. We all can probably relate to that feeling.

It’s a lot like a ‘Take that!” or “Screw You!” feeling.

It’s so necessary to express this anger because we’ve probably been enduring pain “For the good of the cause” far too long. Setting up this new rule (or change) feels good because it’s like we are finally giving ourselves permission to express ourselves and what we need. Nothing like a good steel vault door to stop the incoming pain, right? Well, at least at first.

However, sometimes that steel door prevents the very thing we actually need for feel better from flowing through the boundary/blockage. When the steel door keeps out the love, the support & the comfort from the very ones we love so much...it can be hurtful to us also. When we realize we’re still feeling pain even behind this steel door, what choice do we have?

1. At first we may try to talk ourselves out of needing whatever can’t get through the steel door to us.

2. Or maybe we pump up our rage or pain to justify the steel vault door’s presence and to try to talk ourselves into our right to put up & keep up that steel door. When this happens, we can get swept up in any number of chronic patterns (like whirlwinds) that make us feel like we’re progressing but we’re really just perpetuating more pain or rage. Not bad or wrong, just not very helpful to anyone and can cause more damage.

3. Perhaps, and most likely, we don’t even know that there’s a screen door option that will prevent or stop the painful situations so we understandably think the steel door is our only option.

IF this is the case, we end up feeling like we only have one choice because the pain, fear, rage, etc is now unacceptable and/or unbearable.

Only choice: Put up the steel door to and feel nothing just get the pain to stop. When we’re in a lot of pain, feeling nothing is very appealing. It’s very understandable too. It can put us in survival mode. We can end up believing that we are a victim, powerless, filled with blame, self-pity or martyrhood. How disempowering when we feel we only have one option?!!

I made choices to put up blockages because I didn’t know what else to do and I felt I couldn’t go on any longer. I didn’t want to leave but I was at the end of my emotional rope. Many SMOMS fear that they may have to choose a steel door between themselves and the love of their lives just to stop the excruciating pain, rage,fears, shame, overwhelm, disrespect and much more. This is horrible choice to ponder. I know because I’ve been there and felt that way many times in the first 13 years of being a stepmom. Recognizing that we do have a choice and that we WANT that screen door option is a very empowering shift.

How do you know if your new decision,change or choice is a boundary or a blockage?

You’ve already started by realizing (if you choose to agree with this) that there’s a screen door option out there for you and your situation.

Now ask yourself, when you think about the boundary in question, “How do I feel now?”

Do you feel satisfied and relaxed about this new “boundary”?
Can you give everyone a clean slate and move on as your naturally good natured self?
Can you now openly love the ones around you (affected by this new decision) because you’ve got a good clear boundary that they understand and will respect?
Do you have a clear plan for re-establishing your boundary in case it gets violated?
Can you now compassionately turn your attention to yourself and what you need to do to heal from whatever has happened, knowing that you no longer have to “stand guard”?

If things most of these things are true, chances are very good you have yourself a good screen door boundary and can now focus on getting any wounds healed and your needs met. Yahoo! (For more on Boundaries, check out my 2 articles about “Boundaries for Nice People.”)

Besides the questions above, what can you ask yourself if you suspect you may have a steel vault door blockage masquerading as a boundary?

Ask yourself, “Am I still feeling angry about this situation?’

Ask yourself, “Have I found a solution that allows me to feel better so I can move on as my happy self OR am I looking to make sure that the people on the other side of the door feel shut out everyday until I decide they have paid for their violations?” (See my article, “Hostility is not FINE!” for more about this understandable urge to feel angry due to the hurt of anger that you experience.) Not my proudest moments from my past but I’ve done this many times before, without realizing it.

If you now realize that you’ve put up a blockage instead of a boundary, please start by being very compassionate with yourself. Hey, you were under a lot of pressure. You tried everything else you could think of! You did what you had to do at the time. Now you have another choice and knowing you have choices is always an empowering thing that brings with it a renewed sense of hope. (See my article “Are your choices based on Courage or fear?” for more about choices.)

Creativity seems to be a very common trait among SMOMS.
Creativity can flow when you have screens around you and between you and the things you want to keep out of your life. If you ever find yourself in need of revising old boundaries or establishing new ones, put on your creative thinking cap and you’ll be amazed at what options you can create.

Once you’re set with a healthy boundary, please give yourself all the loving attention you need, for as long as you need, to process, resolve and heal from whatever’s happened. Sometimes these new healthy boundaries follow years of being tormented in some way. Patience and compassion with yourself is so very helpful in these situations

Healthy boundaries create the space for us to reconnect with the ones we love. Many SMOMS fell hard and deeply in love with their Sweethearts, often beyond any logic or reason. I believe that there’s lot of power & magic in that love, when we’re both plugged into it so it can flow between us. I also believe that within this love lies the healing balm for all our wounds. That’s just what I believe.

Take from this whatever works for you and disregard the rest.
With Respect and Lovingkindness for each of you, Cathryn

2013 Copyrighted Cathryn Bond Doyle]]> Healthy Boundaries vs Hurtful Blockages

Whenever we’re in an uncomfortable situation, one useful approach that can help is to look at our personal boundaries to see if there are any violations of present boundaries or maybe even a clear need for a revised or new boundary. When a boundary is clear and strongly upheld, with a grounded action plan for any violations, we can relax knowing that this particular piece of our emotional realm is safe. It’s a good feeling.

However when we make a choice that looks like a boundary, but we still feel angry or like we can’t let the situation go, it may actually be a blockage, not a boundary. Blockages prevent love from flowing and that is hurtful. (Not wrong or bad, just hurtful.)

So, what’s the difference between a good healthy boundary and a hurtful blockage?

I was taught to look at the two in a certain way, which I’m about to explain.
See if it makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

A healthy boundary is like a screen door. It keeps out the dreaded bugs or other things and it still lets in the light and air while also allowing us to see clearly what else is on the other side of the screen. With a good screen door we can relax and don’t have to spend any time or energy worrying about those unwanted things getting into our space.

A hurtful blockage is like a solid steel vault door. It keeps out the unwanted things for sure. It also keeps everything else out as well. With a good steel vault door one doesn’t have to worry about the dreaded things getting in but it also stops the light, the air and anything else potentially good, that presents itself at the door. This can be hurtful to the things on the other side of the door and is also probably hurtful to the one inside because she doesn’t know what she’s missing.

With this analogy, we can apply it to many things in our stepmothering journeys since so much of the pain we feel is about boundaries being violated, beliefs being trampled and feelings being ignored, disregarded and/or judged as wrong (which is hurtful).

With a strong, clear boundary, we can still let all the good things flow between us and the people impacted by the boundary. When we have a strong clear boundary, we can open our hearts, knowing that IF the boundary is violated, we will deal with it in the future. Happily, this boundary gives us the freedom and confidence to relax AND creates chances for joy, love and respect and unexpected good things to flow through the screen of our healthy boundary. This is a good thing for all parties effected by your boundary.

When our boundaries have been repeatedly pushed, dented and violated to the point where we finally push back, sometimes what we think are boundaries are actually blockages. Sometimes there’s so much rage or hurt that we feel the need (consciously or not) to slam a steel door in the face of the one who’s violated our boundaries. We all can probably relate to that feeling.

It’s a lot like a ‘Take that!” or “Screw You!” feeling.

It’s so necessary to express this anger because we’ve probably been enduring pain “For the good of the cause” far too long. Setting up this new rule (or change) feels good because it’s like we are finally giving ourselves permission to express ourselves and what we need. Nothing like a good steel vault door to stop the incoming pain, right? Well, at least at first.

However, sometimes that steel door prevents the very thing we actually need for feel better from flowing through the boundary/blockage. When the steel door keeps out the love, the support & the comfort from the very ones we love so much...it can be hurtful to us also. When we realize we’re still feeling pain even behind this steel door, what choice do we have?

1. At first we may try to talk ourselves out of needing whatever can’t get through the steel door to us.

2. Or maybe we pump up our rage or pain to justify the steel vault door’s presence and to try to talk ourselves into our right to put up & keep up that steel door. When this happens, we can get swept up in any number of chronic patterns (like whirlwinds) that make us feel like we’re progressing but we’re really just perpetuating more pain or rage. Not bad or wrong, just not very helpful to anyone and can cause more damage.

3. Perhaps, and most likely, we don’t even know that there’s a screen door option that will prevent or stop the painful situations so we understandably think the steel door is our only option.

IF this is the case, we end up feeling like we only have one choice because the pain, fear, rage, etc is now unacceptable and/or unbearable.

Only choice: Put up the steel door to and feel nothing just get the pain to stop. When we’re in a lot of pain, feeling nothing is very appealing. It’s very understandable too. It can put us in survival mode. We can end up believing that we are a victim, powerless, filled with blame, self-pity or martyrhood. How disempowering when we feel we only have one option?!!

I made choices to put up blockages because I didn’t know what else to do and I felt I couldn’t go on any longer. I didn’t want to leave but I was at the end of my emotional rope. Many SMOMS fear that they may have to choose a steel door between themselves and the love of their lives just to stop the excruciating pain, rage,fears, shame, overwhelm, disrespect and much more. This is horrible choice to ponder. I know because I’ve been there and felt that way many times in the first 13 years of being a stepmom. Recognizing that we do have a choice and that we WANT that screen door option is a very empowering shift.

How do you know if your new decision,change or choice is a boundary or a blockage?

You’ve already started by realizing (if you choose to agree with this) that there’s a screen door option out there for you and your situation.

Now ask yourself, when you think about the boundary in question, “How do I feel now?”

Do you feel satisfied and relaxed about this new “boundary”?
Can you give everyone a clean slate and move on as your naturally good natured self?
Can you now openly love the ones around you (affected by this new decision) because you’ve got a good clear boundary that they understand and will respect?
Do you have a clear plan for re-establishing your boundary in case it gets violated?
Can you now compassionately turn your attention to yourself and what you need to do to heal from whatever has happened, knowing that you no longer have to “stand guard”?

If things most of these things are true, chances are very good you have yourself a good screen door boundary and can now focus on getting any wounds healed and your needs met. Yahoo! (For more on Boundaries, check out my 2 articles about “Boundaries for Nice People.”)

Besides the questions above, what can you ask yourself if you suspect you may have a steel vault door blockage masquerading as a boundary?

Ask yourself, “Am I still feeling angry about this situation?’

Ask yourself, “Have I found a solution that allows me to feel better so I can move on as my happy self OR am I looking to make sure that the people on the other side of the door feel shut out everyday until I decide they have paid for their violations?” (See my article, “Hostility is not FINE!” for more about this understandable urge to feel angry due to the hurt of anger that you experience.) Not my proudest moments from my past but I’ve done this many times before, without realizing it.

If you now realize that you’ve put up a blockage instead of a boundary, please start by being very compassionate with yourself. Hey, you were under a lot of pressure. You tried everything else you could think of! You did what you had to do at the time. Now you have another choice and knowing you have choices is always an empowering thing that brings with it a renewed sense of hope. (See my article “Are your choices based on Courage or fear?” for more about choices.)

Creativity seems to be a very common trait among SMOMS.
Creativity can flow when you have screens around you and between you and the things you want to keep out of your life. If you ever find yourself in need of revising old boundaries or establishing new ones, put on your creative thinking cap and you’ll be amazed at what options you can create.

Once you’re set with a healthy boundary, please give yourself all the loving attention you need, for as long as you need, to process, resolve and heal from whatever’s happened. Sometimes these new healthy boundaries follow years of being tormented in some way. Patience and compassion with yourself is so very helpful in these situations

Healthy boundaries create the space for us to reconnect with the ones we love. Many SMOMS fell hard and deeply in love with their Sweethearts, often beyond any logic or reason. I believe that there’s lot of power & magic in that love, when we’re both plugged into it so it can flow between us. I also believe that within this love lies the healing balm for all our wounds. That’s just what I believe.

Take from this whatever works for you and disregard the rest.
With Respect and Lovingkindness for each of you, Cathryn

2013 Copyrighted Cathryn Bond Doyle]]> <![CDATA[Ways to reconnect w/your beloved (From Members BB)]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34376 Mon, 11 Feb 2013 16:55:18 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34376
With Valentine’s Day this week, our romantic relationship moves front and center. This can be a great thing or a painful thing or maybe just a sadly neutral experience. With so many emotional and logistical issues poking and prodding at a stepmom and her beloved, it can be a very vulnerable time for both of you. Vulnerable because of all the hopes and dreams that may have been damaged by the outsiders in your world.

With the intention of helping you all create a warm, close, tender connection with your beloved, here are a few suggestions to consider. All of these suggestions are about how YOU can be different, see and/or do things differently with the overarching goal of tapping into the powerful love that brought you all together in the first place.

While it would be super if everyone else would just “back-off” this week and that your Beloved would suddenly wake up to whatever it is you’ve been trying to get him to see, these ideas are limited to what you can control...your thoughts, words and actions.

1. The first idea is inspired by Marianne Williamson. She writes about the “Course in Miracles” and this line came to mind when I was thinking about this post so wanted to share. Her approach, “Bring to any situation, that which is missing.” I’m hoping I remembered that quote accurately. This idea means adopting a “nobody’s right, nobody’s wrong, what do we want to create here?” attitude. It means giving up our pride and following the edict of “I’d rather be happy than right.” It also means making strengthening and experiencing the deep love connection between you more important than actions of the past. This can be a sensitive, angering, upsetting consideration for some.

2. Below are 2 articles in the relationship articles section of the forum that may give you some ideas about new ways to look at our contributions to any stress we are feeling. Not to shift blame to ourselves, but to find new ways to shift our attitudes. When we change, everything around us changes also. It’s a way to break any relationship log jams. It’s a way to feel even more confident that you are doing everything you can do. These things are not going to apply to everyone but they will give you ideas or the sense of satisfaction that comes from realizing how wise you’ve become as a stepmom. I’m hoping that the links will work, if not you can copy and paste them into your browser and it should get you there.

Are you keeping an emotional ledger with your Beloved?
http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33423


Testing and Proving Love. Are you doing this common tactic (consciously or unconsciously? http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33421

3. Another idea is to give each other a list of the 10 things that make you each feel loved. This is described in detail, in the stepmom specific articles section and hopefully easy to reach with this link: http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34156

4. Another thing that can get in the way of a romantic intimate connection on Valentine’s Day are the beliefs we hold about who should do what and when and how they should do it. Unconscious beliefs and unspoken expectations and assumptions are 3 destructive forces in many relationship situations. How to avoid those? Talk to your Beloved and make the conscious decision to create the best Valentine’s day celebration that you can. Whether it’s on the actual Valentine’s Day or another day that works better for you both, the point is to leave nothing to chance.

So talk about it, “Honey, what would you like to do so we can have a nice time together to celebrate our love?” If you get anything that feels like, “I don’t care.” or “Whatever you want to do.” I encourage you to look into their eyes and tell them that this is important to you (especially if there’s been lots of stress between you.) Do whatever you can to resist the urge to become hurt or angry about their reaction and take adifferent tact.

Most guys like to asked for help, they like to solve problems, they feel good about themselves when they come to the rescue. So, ask them to help you plan something. Give them your ideas to prime their creative pumps. Suggest recreating a memorable date from way back at the beginning of your lives together. Engage your imagination. Refuse to give up without exhausting all your options. Why? Well, it all depends on what you want to create and how much you want to feel that intimate, close, happy feeling with the one your love. Women can be incredibly resilient when they have a goal in mind. History shows us that, movies too. It may mean sending your pride and/or ego away for the week and if you can create a few hours of “emotional cease fire” so you can re-connect with the one you love...I imagine it will be worth it. I recognize this is a very personal situation and that you have to decide for yourself.

4. Finally for this post, I want to encourage you all to tap into your reservoir of happy memories and give you and your beloved a chance to step back into those close, happy times you two have actually shared. Sometimes, besides just sharing your top 3, it can be fun to talk about it in the morning and suggest that each of you think about your top 3 most romantic moments, agreeing to share them when you two can be alone. This approach is fun because all day you find yourself remembering as many happy times as you can, even if you only share three and this can boost your romantic connection, even before you share with each other.

If doing this triggers anger or you find it hard to do, due to all the hurt or stress, I”m so sorry and I really understand that. I had a couple of years like that myself so I know how it feels. Sometimes it can trigger even more stress to realize how much romance has been lost due to external stresses that were not caused by either of you but affected both of you. This is a difficult situation. What worked for me was digging beneath the traumas and remembering those first few days, weeks, months together. It’s almost like they are hidden under layers and layers of thick blankets and they can only be found if we’re willing to a) look for them and b) see beneath the blankets themselves.

This can be challenging sometimes also yet my experience is that if you can make doing whatever you can to tap into that strong love that brought you together, it will work. It can be fragile, like the first tiny flames of a campfire, but if you’re willing to tend to it patiently and keep fueling it with your loving attention, chances are very good that you’ll have a roaring fire in time.


Well, these are just a few ideas.
Hoping at least one will give you some inspiration if you are looking for any.
These ideas are not meant to all be followed, just as an emotional buffet. Take whatever you like, ignore the rest.

From my heart to yours, wishing you a warm and wonderful connection with your beloved, Cathryn]]>
With Valentine’s Day this week, our romantic relationship moves front and center. This can be a great thing or a painful thing or maybe just a sadly neutral experience. With so many emotional and logistical issues poking and prodding at a stepmom and her beloved, it can be a very vulnerable time for both of you. Vulnerable because of all the hopes and dreams that may have been damaged by the outsiders in your world.

With the intention of helping you all create a warm, close, tender connection with your beloved, here are a few suggestions to consider. All of these suggestions are about how YOU can be different, see and/or do things differently with the overarching goal of tapping into the powerful love that brought you all together in the first place.

While it would be super if everyone else would just “back-off” this week and that your Beloved would suddenly wake up to whatever it is you’ve been trying to get him to see, these ideas are limited to what you can control...your thoughts, words and actions.

1. The first idea is inspired by Marianne Williamson. She writes about the “Course in Miracles” and this line came to mind when I was thinking about this post so wanted to share. Her approach, “Bring to any situation, that which is missing.” I’m hoping I remembered that quote accurately. This idea means adopting a “nobody’s right, nobody’s wrong, what do we want to create here?” attitude. It means giving up our pride and following the edict of “I’d rather be happy than right.” It also means making strengthening and experiencing the deep love connection between you more important than actions of the past. This can be a sensitive, angering, upsetting consideration for some.

2. Below are 2 articles in the relationship articles section of the forum that may give you some ideas about new ways to look at our contributions to any stress we are feeling. Not to shift blame to ourselves, but to find new ways to shift our attitudes. When we change, everything around us changes also. It’s a way to break any relationship log jams. It’s a way to feel even more confident that you are doing everything you can do. These things are not going to apply to everyone but they will give you ideas or the sense of satisfaction that comes from realizing how wise you’ve become as a stepmom. I’m hoping that the links will work, if not you can copy and paste them into your browser and it should get you there.

Are you keeping an emotional ledger with your Beloved?
http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33423


Testing and Proving Love. Are you doing this common tactic (consciously or unconsciously? http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33421

3. Another idea is to give each other a list of the 10 things that make you each feel loved. This is described in detail, in the stepmom specific articles section and hopefully easy to reach with this link: http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34156

4. Another thing that can get in the way of a romantic intimate connection on Valentine’s Day are the beliefs we hold about who should do what and when and how they should do it. Unconscious beliefs and unspoken expectations and assumptions are 3 destructive forces in many relationship situations. How to avoid those? Talk to your Beloved and make the conscious decision to create the best Valentine’s day celebration that you can. Whether it’s on the actual Valentine’s Day or another day that works better for you both, the point is to leave nothing to chance.

So talk about it, “Honey, what would you like to do so we can have a nice time together to celebrate our love?” If you get anything that feels like, “I don’t care.” or “Whatever you want to do.” I encourage you to look into their eyes and tell them that this is important to you (especially if there’s been lots of stress between you.) Do whatever you can to resist the urge to become hurt or angry about their reaction and take adifferent tact.

Most guys like to asked for help, they like to solve problems, they feel good about themselves when they come to the rescue. So, ask them to help you plan something. Give them your ideas to prime their creative pumps. Suggest recreating a memorable date from way back at the beginning of your lives together. Engage your imagination. Refuse to give up without exhausting all your options. Why? Well, it all depends on what you want to create and how much you want to feel that intimate, close, happy feeling with the one your love. Women can be incredibly resilient when they have a goal in mind. History shows us that, movies too. It may mean sending your pride and/or ego away for the week and if you can create a few hours of “emotional cease fire” so you can re-connect with the one you love...I imagine it will be worth it. I recognize this is a very personal situation and that you have to decide for yourself.

4. Finally for this post, I want to encourage you all to tap into your reservoir of happy memories and give you and your beloved a chance to step back into those close, happy times you two have actually shared. Sometimes, besides just sharing your top 3, it can be fun to talk about it in the morning and suggest that each of you think about your top 3 most romantic moments, agreeing to share them when you two can be alone. This approach is fun because all day you find yourself remembering as many happy times as you can, even if you only share three and this can boost your romantic connection, even before you share with each other.

If doing this triggers anger or you find it hard to do, due to all the hurt or stress, I”m so sorry and I really understand that. I had a couple of years like that myself so I know how it feels. Sometimes it can trigger even more stress to realize how much romance has been lost due to external stresses that were not caused by either of you but affected both of you. This is a difficult situation. What worked for me was digging beneath the traumas and remembering those first few days, weeks, months together. It’s almost like they are hidden under layers and layers of thick blankets and they can only be found if we’re willing to a) look for them and b) see beneath the blankets themselves.

This can be challenging sometimes also yet my experience is that if you can make doing whatever you can to tap into that strong love that brought you together, it will work. It can be fragile, like the first tiny flames of a campfire, but if you’re willing to tend to it patiently and keep fueling it with your loving attention, chances are very good that you’ll have a roaring fire in time.


Well, these are just a few ideas.
Hoping at least one will give you some inspiration if you are looking for any.
These ideas are not meant to all be followed, just as an emotional buffet. Take whatever you like, ignore the rest.

From my heart to yours, wishing you a warm and wonderful connection with your beloved, Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[Ever feel like you are giving up everything? Check this out.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34162 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 20:48:33 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34162
She entitled it...“Feel like I gave up everything.”

I was moved to reply in depth and wanted to share it here because her feelings are shared by so many of us to varying degrees at different times in our stepmom lives. SMOM1 gave me her permission to offer my thoughts about this.

SMOM1 Wrote:

I have been on this forum for a while, but rarely post. I just graduated and really want to get a dog. My friends dog had puppies and I want one. They will be ready to go to homes in 4-5 weeks. My BF is saying no and gets very angry and grumpy when I bring it up. We have been dating for over 3 years and living together for a little over 2 years. I honestly feel like we moved in together too soon. I just feel like I am sick of giving up things for him. I had a bunny that I loved and I gave him to my parents because BF is allergic. I wanted to get a dog while in school, but waited because he didn't want one yet. I wanted to go into the peace corps after graduation, but didn't because he couldn't. This is just a rambling vent. Sorry. SMOM1

CATHRYN’S LENGTHY REPLY:

Dear SMOM1,

For whatever reasons your post really stirred up a lot of emotions for me, which is why I asked if you were interested in my thoughts before taking the time to write to you. Your post may be just about a puppy but I feel it may indicate something much bigger and more important for you, your well-being and your life. Maybe I just needed to write this out for someone else who may read it.

Before I being with some thoughts about what may be going on, I want to acknowledge and honor that I believe you’ve already given up so much, given in so often and that you’ve been doing all this to be as helpful and loving as you can be to your BF. I want you to know that right from the start. It seems like your BF has the final say, gets all the tie breakers when there’s a conflict. While you may have been AOK with lots of these decisions in the past, it seems this puppy issue may be the “straw that breaks the camels back” so to speak. If this is true, I get that! Everyone has a limit to what they can tolerate, no matter how hard they try to ignore or endure something.

To be clear, this relationship issue doesn’t make him an awful person. It is probable that his wounds and beliefs, bump right up against yours and/or dovetail with yours so that things fit, even dysfunctional or painful issues can fit together for a while. Nobody is wrong or bad here. I hear that you love him and I hear that his actions and choices are causing you some stress.

His actions and choices tell you a lot about his upbringing and his beliefs and about what he believes he has to do to keep himself emotionally safe. It makes him someone who appears to believe that for whatever reasons, HE has the veto power in the relationship. It also sounds like he’s a good talker, repeatedly finding ways to convince you that whatever he wants or doesn’t want is really better for you both. (Based on your post about how he talked you into believing that waiting ws better for you both.)

This is very common and very painful for the one in your role in the relationship. I know this, because until 3 years ago, I had lived with this hierarchy of power in my childhood and through 2 marriages. Happily, my DH, even after 13 years, was willing and able to wake up (as I did) and we have forged a new kind of relationship...together.

The title of your post speaks loudly to me.
I’m hoping to be helpful and I’m totally OK if you reject or ignore all of this. For some reason, I’m compelled to write to you...so I’m trusting this impulse. Here we go...

It’s very painful to have our wants and needs overridden by someone we love and by someone who we’ve been so openly vulnerable with. The good news in all this in that by becoming aware of what is causing the pain/anger/distress we can begin to do something about it so that it doesn’t haunt or follow us into our future. This incentive motivates me and if you are motivated also, perhaps what I write will be helpful.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Because I don’t know your situation or you or most of the details, I’m going to share a few thoughts and feelings that surfaced when I read your post. Please know that I”m only offering these comments with the intention of trying to support you by giving you some things to think about. Please sift and sort through all this and pick out only that which makes sense for you OK? OK!

You may want to grab a cup or glass of something because this is going to be a long one and it’s going to take some time to share my thoughts and feelings. Are you comfy?

My reaction to your post (especially the title of your thread) was that the issue you’re dealing with here is bigger than any one particular thing. It feels like a relationship issue and more specifically an emotional, energetic power struggle between you and your BF. It also sounds like this “struggle” has been going on for awhile and over other things small and big (like the peace corp).

These kinds of silent (or not so silent) power struggles can be complex and sometimes something snaps within us and we find ourselves putting our foot down over one thing (the puppy?) Sometimes the one thing is almost beyond logic and reason (which makes it hard to stand up for when someone calls us unreasonable) but it happens because some part of us is so darn tired of someone we love controlling us or telling us what is and is not OK in our own lives.

Sometimes, without even realizing it, we find we’ve given up, given away and given in so much that some part of us rebels (healthy part of us). Some part of us is looking at our emotional stress to try to show us that we’ve lost the balance of our own rights and power in a relationship. I believe that relationship distress, upset, worry, hurt, anger, resentment, etc are all trying to tell us that there is some important insight we’re not seeing or need to see. Make Sense?

If these feelings could talk to us, I believe they would say something like, “Hey Honey, Please pay attention, something’s not right for you right now! PLEASE stop and be brutally honesty with yourself about how you feel. I know this is scary but Please use your vast wisdom and courage to look honestly at what you want or need. What do you want? Please take a stand, take some action, maybe do something different because this is not good for you right now!”

I believe these feelings are trying to get our attention and help us understand something in a new way. The feelings are often trying to break through the childhood conditioning (brainwashing) that taught us we HAD to accept certain things in a primary relationship or we’d be devastated.

NOTE: If you want to learn more about what our emotions are trying to tell us, please listen to or read Karla McLaren’s Book, “The Language of Emotions.” She is wonderful and I highly recommend the audiobooks just to hear her voice and to do the meditations with her guidance.

We all grow out of our childhoods with hundreds, if not thousands, of beliefs about what is and isn’t OK. We all carry beliefs about what we should and shouldn’t do around people we love. Beliefs about what it means to be loving, to be a good mate, to be a good person, to be loved, loving and lovable.

1. Sometimes the beliefs are passed down.
2. Sometimes the beliefs are empowering.
3. Sometimes the beliefs are faulty and limiting.
4. Sometimes we create beliefs that are the opposite of what we experienced.
5. Sometimes we create beliefs so we can survive the pain we can’t handle as children.
6. Sometimes we learn by observing without a word ever spoken directly.

Most often we’re entirely unaware of the beliefs that we carry about intimate relationships or that we have a choice about what to believe. How can our childhoods be so impactful to our adult relationships? Isn’t that a bunch of huey? Why do we want to open those old boxes of experiences? Why are our adult intimate relationships so effected by our childhood primary relationships?

All good questions!
None of them simple to answer.

The very nature of intimate adult relationships makes them one of the most important ones in our adult lives. Just like our parents (or caretakers) were the most important relationship to us as a child. This is why they are similar. This is why many things that happen to us in our adult relationships, trigger stuff from the past, even when we don’t remember the situation.

Both relationships are the one relationship we fear losing the most.
When divorced parents fear losing the love of their bio-kids, this same primal fear kicks in. It’s because we value this intimate connection so much that we’re more likely to compromise, settle, sacrifice for it, out of the fear of losing it or to keep it. This is not a rational thing we’re talking about, it’s a very emotional and charged issue.

The reality is that the more we love someone, the more fear we’re going to feel about losing it. That’s the way love works. We can’t have love without feeling fear. Many don’t want to acknowledge this deep vulnerability, because it’s too darn scary, but it’s a truth (according to my beliefs, training & experience). Opening our hearts to another gives them the ability to cause us pain and many of us have gladly given away our power in exchange for the hope, the wish, the delusion, that they will not hurt us if we give them this power. This is usually not a conscious choice, but one that we have had to make as a child and then forgot about.

This dynamic (giving up power in exchange for less pain or the promise of love) is important to understand because the intensity of an adult intimate relationship is going to bring up all kinds of vulnerable feelings from childhood, even if we aren’t aware of what’s happening. Emotions are energy and just because we’ve forgotten how we felt then, doesn’t mean the emotions are gone. This is why being in the role of stepmom, in addition to being in an intimate relationship has many many chances to trigger old feelings.

More about the fear of losing love:
Whenever we fear losing love, not being able to keep love or not living up to deserving love...

we have 2 choices...we can act on common and understandable short term tactics of numbing, controlling, ignoring, denying and trying to conquer the fear OR we can look to strengthening, reinforcing the love, which in turn will result in reduced fear AND a deeper love connection. That’s the goal for most of us but fear has a tendency to get our attention first and then we panic...understandably.

I write about all this because sometimes we do things out of fear, which can blind us/distract us from what WE truly want or need. Fear is such a powerful motivator and others have used fear, since the beginning of humans, to control other people. (If you want to learn more about this, please read my articles about control-there are 3-4 of them, in the relationship article section of the Open forums.)

There can be a fine line between lovingly giving to please another (at no cost to your well-being) and the kind of giving that depletes or hurts us or giving that can lead to martyrhood, resentment, depression, etc. Healthy intimate relationships are about finding a balance of exchange, from the foundation of honoring the needs of BOTH people equally, no one more powerful than the other.

The challenge, when needs or wants appear to conflict, is to to NOT give in until you’ve created a solution that works for both people and this takes creativity, a willingness to open to new or different possibilities, a fierce refusal to give up on whatever each of you want and the commitment to support each other’s needs as much as your own.

It’s about having the overarching SHARED SPOKEN belief that no matter what, we will not stop trying to resolve as issue until we find one that is acceptable and good for BOTH people. This is a triumphant belief. It’s an “Nobody’s right, nobody’s wrong- what’s best for us BOTH” relationship.

Sometimes this means saying “Heck with social behaviors or the beliefs of our parents. We’re going to create a life that is filled with the decisions that fill our unique needs and wants.” Stepfamilies are blazing new pathways for families and relationships and stepmoms are mapmakers...if this journey appeals to you.

“Helloooo! Earth to Cathryn! Get real!”
I feel like I can hear some of you thinking this.

OK, It’s very possible that I’m making too much of your situation and maybe it’s just about the puppy and the peace corp for you two. If that’s the case, I’m hopeful that the other replies posted here are more helpful than this long missive. However, if any of this is resonating with you and you’re interested in learning more, please continue reading.

Some of the questions to think about:

1, Why do our adult intimate relationships pull us so strongly in some ways and often hurt us so deeply in others?
Isn’t a certain amount of pain to be expected in all loving relationships?
3. Don’t we have to give up stuff in order to get along?
What would it be like to have a relationship with someone who valued my needs as important as his needs?
Wouldn’t it be selfish to make what I want more important that what my lover wants?
6. Can I be a good person and still insist on standing up for my right to make my own choices?
7. How is it possible for two people to move forward over something that seems like a “win/lose” situation?
8. Is it possible that I’m in a relationship that’s not truly a healthy one for me right now?
9. Am I willing to believe I have a right to equal emotional power in my intimate relationship?
10. Do I believe that our love will survive me taking a new stance for my own rights and needs?
11. Do I believe that I can survive losing my relationship, if I decide the price of staying in it is too much for me?
12. Can I make a commitment to make my own well-being more important than my need to connect with the one I love? If not, can I make it AT LEAST AS important so that I can stop this emotional pain?

The reality is that all these questions are worthy of reflection and many of them can be scary to ponder and agonizing to acknowledge initially. However, there is great personal wisdom and insight and freedom to be gained if you want to get to the truth of whatever you need and want in your life.

SMOM1, it seems that you’ve given up a lot because the man you love tells you “No.” Could this dynamic, be anything like what it was like for you as a child? Was there a key figure in your young life who had the power to override your wishes when you were too little to do anything about it? is it possible that the little girl in you is believing that this adult relationship has to be the same as her parent child relationship? Was there ever someone who gave you the clear message...if you want to be loved you have to give me your power?

I realize that this is a big topic and one that I don’t take lightly.
If you’re feeling upset by my comments, it’s possible that I’m completely off-base or maybe this is what’s happening and it’s a time to be extremely gentle with yourself.

You don’t have to read anymore unless you want to.

I know it took me a long time (with help) to let in how much I’d recreated the emotional dynamics of my childhood with my present and past husband. I can tell you that I believe it was worth enduring the pins and needles of waking up. The question is, is this what’s right for you now or what you want?
There’s never a guarantee that your BF will want to wake up, but nothing is going to change unless you do. Many times taking a new stance creates the space for change and that can be very good for everyone. This seems to be the gift and the burden of so many women in relationships.

How to understand this more completely?

Reading “The Drama of the Gifted Child” or “The Truth will set you free” or Free from Lies” all by Dr. Alice Miller” is a good place to start. She will explain this in more detail. Let me tell you a bit more about it so you can decide if you want to pursue this now or later or not at all.

I’m a huge believer in the work of Dr. Alice Miller. She wrote many profound books about how our child-rearing and the details of the emotional survival strategy (we needed to create to survive) is something we forget about while we’re still young. She writes about how the beliefs and strategies we needed to survive as children become imprisoning beliefs and strategies as adults. This is so profoundly true, in my experience.

She explains that until we’re conscious and aware of the strategies we used as kids, we’re going to fall into similar emotional patterns as adults. She calls this, “the unconscious compulsion to repeat.” It’s not a bad or wrong thing, it’s a human nature thing. It means that we can be unknowingly, sometimes inexplicably drawn to someone with whom we experience similar feelings (from childhood) with the unconscious hope that THIS time things will work out differently. Sadly without becoming conscious of what is happening, we only do it over and over again, feeling the same pain each time with a cumulative impact. This is why, in her view and now mine, that seemingly simple upsetting things can be felt so strongly and deeply without us understanding consciously what is upsetting us.

I could give you 20-30 examples from my own life, that demonstrates this principal. I’m not going to (Phew!) but because I’ve uncovered so much of this for myself and so many clients, I believe that it’s worth a look when anyone is experiencing emotional discomfort in a relationship.

Shall we have a look at your situation now?

If we were talking, I’d ask you a few questions.
NO right or wrong answers, just questions that may shed light on things in a new way for you. This is how we make unconscious things conscious. It’s like shining a flashlight into a dark room full of stuff that we didn’t know we had. It can be fascinating, surprising, temporarily horrifying or painful and always very freeing and empowering once we understand it. Being awake and conscious is always more empowering than that which we can’t see or know about.

I’d ask you the following and you can reply if you wish...never any pressure.

Can you think of any times from your childhood where you were needing someone else’s permission to do the things you wanted to do, but the other person always had the Veto power over you? If so, how does it feel in comparison to how you feel when your BF says “No” to you?

Are there times now, when you don’t say or do whatever you want to say or do to your BF, because you fear, know or worry that it will make him angry at you, maybe spoil the mood or cause you hurt feelings?

If you could do or say anything you wanted to, without fear of your BF getting angry, leaving, punishing you in any way and/or if you KNEW that he would be supportive of whatever you wanted, what would you say or do? Please think about this for a moment and write them all down, if you are so inclined. My sense is that giving yourself the freedom to act on your gut instincts, your needs, your wishes with uncensored speech and actions is not something you’ve had a lot of experience with in your primary relationships. Any truth to that for you?

If any of this is ringing true for you, what can you do about it?

There are a few choices you can make and the choice is something you have control over, that’s empowering! (See my article, ‘Are your choices based on fear or courage?” for more about the power of having choices.)

Some Options:

Do nothing different and keep hoping you can find new ways to endure, accept and handle things the way they are between you and BF. It takes a lot of energy to try to get others to go along with what we want but trying can keep our well-being just above water and we can survive. Sometimes there are other reasons we accept relationship stress. No right or wrong here.

You can take a deep breath, in the privacy of your own heart and mind and ask yourself “What do I want from my intimate partner? Am I getting this from my BF? What, if anything, do I want to do about this?” Trusting your gut and your heart is always a good way to go. It’s a time to be rutally honest with yourself to make sure you’re listening to your heart and gut not your fears or your childhood programming.

Get to the bottom of what beliefs you have that cause you to be “OK” with (allow) the way your BF is interacting with you and your needs/wants. This means self-discovery work and while this is challenging it’s also extremely healing and insightful.

You can take inventory on any and all things that are not ok with you in your relationship with BF and you can sit down with him and create a new plan for going forward. You can choose to tell him (not asking him) that the dynamics of power between you two HAVE to change and that you want to craft something that works for BOTH of you as equals in the relationship.

NOTE: If your BF is a narcissist, this is NOT going to work as Narcissists are not willing to have Win:Win relationships, they must have the “One-up relationship” Please read or listen to “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” by Eleanor Payson for more about narcissists. Chapter 1 (free) is available on the top of the BB and by listening for 26 minutes you will know if he is a narcissist (or just has narcissistic qualities) or not.

Whatever you decide, it takes courage to wake up and become conscious and to see what you really need, what wounds you still carry and what limited or faulty beliefs you’re still holding on to unconsciously that you can uncover so you can make new conscious choices. We’re so much more skilled and experienced at enduring, tolerating, ignoring, rationalizing or taking the blame for things that cause us pain, distress, rage ,etc. We’ve done so much to be close to the people we love and it’s been painful at a level often hard to imagine at first. Sometimes the backlog of unresolved pain can feel overwhelming so having some support is a good thing.

Whatever you chose to do, I want to encourage you to hold onto the belief that you do HAVE CHOICES, that you are WORTHY of having a tremendously loving relationship with someone who joyfully puts your needs right up there equally with his, just as you have done for everyone you have loved.

I want to remind you that you have the right, as a bright, generous, talented, loving adult woman, to make decisions that are right for you and to live life the way YOU want to live it, all the while loving and honoring someone giving you the same consideration. As an adult, unlike when you were a child, you now have the ability to take care of yourself (to thrive) even if someone you love decides they can’t or won’t join you in the relationship that you want.

Puppy or no puppy, peace corp or not, it feels to me that you may not believe, deep down, that you have the right to make your own wants and needs as important as those around you AND believe that you will have someone to love you all at the same time! I wish this for you. I wish this for all of us on our challenging journey through this lifetime.

I know there’s a lot of info here.
For some reason, as I wrote at the beginning, I felt compelled to write this.
If I’ve overstepped in any way that makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.

This is what is in my heart, receive it as you will.
May you find more empowerment, peace and well-being on your journey.
All the Best, Cathryn

SMOM1 REPLIES TO CATHRYN:

Cathryn,
Thank you for your insight. I hope to respond as soon as I can, however it will take some thought. Merry Christmas!

CATHRYN REPLIES BACK TO SMOM1:

HI there, Thank you for your holiday greetings! Please know that there’s never any pressure to reply. The stuff you are dealing with is life changing and so I want you to honor your timing! I'll be here, as will your sister SMOMS if you decide you want to work on this stuff.

I'm going to turn this into an article soon so others can read it. I will take your screen name off of it and just call you "SMOM" so your privacy here on the board is protected as well. It will also clear up some space at the top of the Board.

Love to you, on this transformational journey.
May you find the courage and the support to do whatever is best for you.
Cathryn

SMOM2 COMMENTS ON CATHRYN’S POST:

Wow! I feel like you've just told my whole life story in a nut shell. My relationship with my dh used to be very much like this. I think it started when i gave up my job to stay home with my sds and my daughter. It seemed like it was partly my decision at the time but then my friends got left by the wayside and pretty soon i felt like i was living in a tiny box and i couldn’t do anything with out his permission. It got to the point where i couldn’t even leave the house with makeup on. And it wasn’t that he told me i couldn’t it was more that every time i did something he didn’t like, it was a huge fight and i’m not a confrontational person so i didn’t want to fight so i would just stop hanging out with people he didnt like and pretty soon i had no friends and then i wouldnt wear makeup as much until i wasn’t wearing it at all. It was gradual and so it took me a long time to notice it and realize how unhappy i really was. I just kept giving and giving and eventually i was a shell of a human being.

Eventually i talked to my therapist that i was seeing about the death of my eldest step daughter about it. I was ashamed...i was surprised really by how much shame i felt. I didn’t want her or anyone else to see my dh as a bad man. He’s really not. He’s an excellent father and he is my soul mate. I think whAt happened is he lost control when he lost his daughter and he needed to get control over his life somehow and he achieved it in an unhealthy way through me.

Anyway, i started talking to him about it over time even though i was fearful. I tackled one issue at a time and each time we had a conversation or fight about our issues i gained a little bit of my power back. I remember the first time i talked to him, i said "this problem isnt completely your fault...you've been controlling but i also allowed it to happen...so we've gotten into this cycle of you not wanting me to do certain things and me just saying 'ok i just wont do that anymore'." He was angry at first but i think by taking some of the pressure off of him, it lessened the blow.

We spent many nights arguing. He was very resistant to admit he had a problem but now things are back on the right track. Its not 100% but its much much better. I do things with friends again. I wear makeup whenever i feel like it and i am unafraid.
I think the biggest obstacle was the conversations i had to have with myself. I had to say " what you want is important and its ok to fight for it sometimes" and i had to practically chant to myself " don’t back down...don’t give up. Your world won’t crumble if you tell him the truth about how you feel " i told myself that the worst thing that could happen is he leaves and if that happened i would survive it.

I guess the thing i really wanted to say was thank you. Your post really touched me. It was very insightful and nearly everything you said rang true for me. Cant say enough how much this site has helped me in the short time I’ve been a member.
Thanks again, SMOM2

CATHRYN REPLIES TO SMOM2:

Dear SMOM2, Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've been very brave and it's great that you're able to see things changing as you take a stand for yourself. This is so empowering. I know the same fear you talk about. As we begin to speak up and the person we love sees that we're not going to be pushed around about this or that anymore, the dynamics change. Yes there's often an argument but it's usually the other person doing an energetic tug of war for the power they can somehow sense they're losing. It may be unconscious but it is often palpable.

Raising a voice, turning a cold shoulder, arguing are all controlling bullying tactics to varying levels.

It indicates fear in the bullying person and once we decide we have equal rights in our relationships and once we decide to stand up for whatever we're feeling things will shift. Sometimes are unpredictable actions and strength can trigger an initial counter measure from the other person. Sort of an, "I'm going to try to get you back to the person I can control" attempt. However, when we can stand strong and if the other person is willing to listen to us, things can change.

It's also very powerful to know deep in your heart that you CAN survive if the worse thing we fear happens.

One could also say that staying in a relationship where we're not free to be our true selves IS the worse thing that can happen, but until we really know and feel that we are adult women who can Survive and one day be even happier, is a very powerful awareness. I know how that feels and you've shown it can work. Ironically being willing to leave is sometimes the very thing that gets the attention of the man we love, resulting in true change. Not as an ultimatum, as that is counter-controlling tactic, but it shows a true emotional boundary and the belief that we deserve to be treated as an equal partner in life.

It's wonderful that your DH is coming around to seeing that you have rights and that your rights don't have to hurt him or punish him at all. If you want to learn more about control, check out the few articles about it in the relationship section of the site. "Testing and Proving Love" is one I'd start with.

Congrats for all the changes you're making.
Again, thanks for sharing. It's great to have you here. I bet you've inspired others here.
Here's hoping that your situation continues to improve and that as the control melts away, there's more room for the love to flow between you.
It's very kind of you to share your good thoughts about being here. That's the goal, to support you all and to give you a place to support each other.

Please keep up the great work.
May 2013 bring you in touch with even more of your glorious powerful loving self, Cathryn

SMOM2 REPLIES TO CATHRYN:
Thank you for responding. You definitely had some very powerful insights. And i appreciate you taking time to think of me and my situation.
You are a great inspiration to me.
Sincerely, SMOM2]]>
She entitled it...“Feel like I gave up everything.”

I was moved to reply in depth and wanted to share it here because her feelings are shared by so many of us to varying degrees at different times in our stepmom lives. SMOM1 gave me her permission to offer my thoughts about this.

SMOM1 Wrote:

I have been on this forum for a while, but rarely post. I just graduated and really want to get a dog. My friends dog had puppies and I want one. They will be ready to go to homes in 4-5 weeks. My BF is saying no and gets very angry and grumpy when I bring it up. We have been dating for over 3 years and living together for a little over 2 years. I honestly feel like we moved in together too soon. I just feel like I am sick of giving up things for him. I had a bunny that I loved and I gave him to my parents because BF is allergic. I wanted to get a dog while in school, but waited because he didn't want one yet. I wanted to go into the peace corps after graduation, but didn't because he couldn't. This is just a rambling vent. Sorry. SMOM1

CATHRYN’S LENGTHY REPLY:

Dear SMOM1,

For whatever reasons your post really stirred up a lot of emotions for me, which is why I asked if you were interested in my thoughts before taking the time to write to you. Your post may be just about a puppy but I feel it may indicate something much bigger and more important for you, your well-being and your life. Maybe I just needed to write this out for someone else who may read it.

Before I being with some thoughts about what may be going on, I want to acknowledge and honor that I believe you’ve already given up so much, given in so often and that you’ve been doing all this to be as helpful and loving as you can be to your BF. I want you to know that right from the start. It seems like your BF has the final say, gets all the tie breakers when there’s a conflict. While you may have been AOK with lots of these decisions in the past, it seems this puppy issue may be the “straw that breaks the camels back” so to speak. If this is true, I get that! Everyone has a limit to what they can tolerate, no matter how hard they try to ignore or endure something.

To be clear, this relationship issue doesn’t make him an awful person. It is probable that his wounds and beliefs, bump right up against yours and/or dovetail with yours so that things fit, even dysfunctional or painful issues can fit together for a while. Nobody is wrong or bad here. I hear that you love him and I hear that his actions and choices are causing you some stress.

His actions and choices tell you a lot about his upbringing and his beliefs and about what he believes he has to do to keep himself emotionally safe. It makes him someone who appears to believe that for whatever reasons, HE has the veto power in the relationship. It also sounds like he’s a good talker, repeatedly finding ways to convince you that whatever he wants or doesn’t want is really better for you both. (Based on your post about how he talked you into believing that waiting ws better for you both.)

This is very common and very painful for the one in your role in the relationship. I know this, because until 3 years ago, I had lived with this hierarchy of power in my childhood and through 2 marriages. Happily, my DH, even after 13 years, was willing and able to wake up (as I did) and we have forged a new kind of relationship...together.

The title of your post speaks loudly to me.
I’m hoping to be helpful and I’m totally OK if you reject or ignore all of this. For some reason, I’m compelled to write to you...so I’m trusting this impulse. Here we go...

It’s very painful to have our wants and needs overridden by someone we love and by someone who we’ve been so openly vulnerable with. The good news in all this in that by becoming aware of what is causing the pain/anger/distress we can begin to do something about it so that it doesn’t haunt or follow us into our future. This incentive motivates me and if you are motivated also, perhaps what I write will be helpful.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Because I don’t know your situation or you or most of the details, I’m going to share a few thoughts and feelings that surfaced when I read your post. Please know that I”m only offering these comments with the intention of trying to support you by giving you some things to think about. Please sift and sort through all this and pick out only that which makes sense for you OK? OK!

You may want to grab a cup or glass of something because this is going to be a long one and it’s going to take some time to share my thoughts and feelings. Are you comfy?

My reaction to your post (especially the title of your thread) was that the issue you’re dealing with here is bigger than any one particular thing. It feels like a relationship issue and more specifically an emotional, energetic power struggle between you and your BF. It also sounds like this “struggle” has been going on for awhile and over other things small and big (like the peace corp).

These kinds of silent (or not so silent) power struggles can be complex and sometimes something snaps within us and we find ourselves putting our foot down over one thing (the puppy?) Sometimes the one thing is almost beyond logic and reason (which makes it hard to stand up for when someone calls us unreasonable) but it happens because some part of us is so darn tired of someone we love controlling us or telling us what is and is not OK in our own lives.

Sometimes, without even realizing it, we find we’ve given up, given away and given in so much that some part of us rebels (healthy part of us). Some part of us is looking at our emotional stress to try to show us that we’ve lost the balance of our own rights and power in a relationship. I believe that relationship distress, upset, worry, hurt, anger, resentment, etc are all trying to tell us that there is some important insight we’re not seeing or need to see. Make Sense?

If these feelings could talk to us, I believe they would say something like, “Hey Honey, Please pay attention, something’s not right for you right now! PLEASE stop and be brutally honesty with yourself about how you feel. I know this is scary but Please use your vast wisdom and courage to look honestly at what you want or need. What do you want? Please take a stand, take some action, maybe do something different because this is not good for you right now!”

I believe these feelings are trying to get our attention and help us understand something in a new way. The feelings are often trying to break through the childhood conditioning (brainwashing) that taught us we HAD to accept certain things in a primary relationship or we’d be devastated.

NOTE: If you want to learn more about what our emotions are trying to tell us, please listen to or read Karla McLaren’s Book, “The Language of Emotions.” She is wonderful and I highly recommend the audiobooks just to hear her voice and to do the meditations with her guidance.

We all grow out of our childhoods with hundreds, if not thousands, of beliefs about what is and isn’t OK. We all carry beliefs about what we should and shouldn’t do around people we love. Beliefs about what it means to be loving, to be a good mate, to be a good person, to be loved, loving and lovable.

1. Sometimes the beliefs are passed down.
2. Sometimes the beliefs are empowering.
3. Sometimes the beliefs are faulty and limiting.
4. Sometimes we create beliefs that are the opposite of what we experienced.
5. Sometimes we create beliefs so we can survive the pain we can’t handle as children.
6. Sometimes we learn by observing without a word ever spoken directly.

Most often we’re entirely unaware of the beliefs that we carry about intimate relationships or that we have a choice about what to believe. How can our childhoods be so impactful to our adult relationships? Isn’t that a bunch of huey? Why do we want to open those old boxes of experiences? Why are our adult intimate relationships so effected by our childhood primary relationships?

All good questions!
None of them simple to answer.

The very nature of intimate adult relationships makes them one of the most important ones in our adult lives. Just like our parents (or caretakers) were the most important relationship to us as a child. This is why they are similar. This is why many things that happen to us in our adult relationships, trigger stuff from the past, even when we don’t remember the situation.

Both relationships are the one relationship we fear losing the most.
When divorced parents fear losing the love of their bio-kids, this same primal fear kicks in. It’s because we value this intimate connection so much that we’re more likely to compromise, settle, sacrifice for it, out of the fear of losing it or to keep it. This is not a rational thing we’re talking about, it’s a very emotional and charged issue.

The reality is that the more we love someone, the more fear we’re going to feel about losing it. That’s the way love works. We can’t have love without feeling fear. Many don’t want to acknowledge this deep vulnerability, because it’s too darn scary, but it’s a truth (according to my beliefs, training & experience). Opening our hearts to another gives them the ability to cause us pain and many of us have gladly given away our power in exchange for the hope, the wish, the delusion, that they will not hurt us if we give them this power. This is usually not a conscious choice, but one that we have had to make as a child and then forgot about.

This dynamic (giving up power in exchange for less pain or the promise of love) is important to understand because the intensity of an adult intimate relationship is going to bring up all kinds of vulnerable feelings from childhood, even if we aren’t aware of what’s happening. Emotions are energy and just because we’ve forgotten how we felt then, doesn’t mean the emotions are gone. This is why being in the role of stepmom, in addition to being in an intimate relationship has many many chances to trigger old feelings.

More about the fear of losing love:
Whenever we fear losing love, not being able to keep love or not living up to deserving love...

we have 2 choices...we can act on common and understandable short term tactics of numbing, controlling, ignoring, denying and trying to conquer the fear OR we can look to strengthening, reinforcing the love, which in turn will result in reduced fear AND a deeper love connection. That’s the goal for most of us but fear has a tendency to get our attention first and then we panic...understandably.

I write about all this because sometimes we do things out of fear, which can blind us/distract us from what WE truly want or need. Fear is such a powerful motivator and others have used fear, since the beginning of humans, to control other people. (If you want to learn more about this, please read my articles about control-there are 3-4 of them, in the relationship article section of the Open forums.)

There can be a fine line between lovingly giving to please another (at no cost to your well-being) and the kind of giving that depletes or hurts us or giving that can lead to martyrhood, resentment, depression, etc. Healthy intimate relationships are about finding a balance of exchange, from the foundation of honoring the needs of BOTH people equally, no one more powerful than the other.

The challenge, when needs or wants appear to conflict, is to to NOT give in until you’ve created a solution that works for both people and this takes creativity, a willingness to open to new or different possibilities, a fierce refusal to give up on whatever each of you want and the commitment to support each other’s needs as much as your own.

It’s about having the overarching SHARED SPOKEN belief that no matter what, we will not stop trying to resolve as issue until we find one that is acceptable and good for BOTH people. This is a triumphant belief. It’s an “Nobody’s right, nobody’s wrong- what’s best for us BOTH” relationship.

Sometimes this means saying “Heck with social behaviors or the beliefs of our parents. We’re going to create a life that is filled with the decisions that fill our unique needs and wants.” Stepfamilies are blazing new pathways for families and relationships and stepmoms are mapmakers...if this journey appeals to you.

“Helloooo! Earth to Cathryn! Get real!”
I feel like I can hear some of you thinking this.

OK, It’s very possible that I’m making too much of your situation and maybe it’s just about the puppy and the peace corp for you two. If that’s the case, I’m hopeful that the other replies posted here are more helpful than this long missive. However, if any of this is resonating with you and you’re interested in learning more, please continue reading.

Some of the questions to think about:

1, Why do our adult intimate relationships pull us so strongly in some ways and often hurt us so deeply in others?
Isn’t a certain amount of pain to be expected in all loving relationships?
3. Don’t we have to give up stuff in order to get along?
What would it be like to have a relationship with someone who valued my needs as important as his needs?
Wouldn’t it be selfish to make what I want more important that what my lover wants?
6. Can I be a good person and still insist on standing up for my right to make my own choices?
7. How is it possible for two people to move forward over something that seems like a “win/lose” situation?
8. Is it possible that I’m in a relationship that’s not truly a healthy one for me right now?
9. Am I willing to believe I have a right to equal emotional power in my intimate relationship?
10. Do I believe that our love will survive me taking a new stance for my own rights and needs?
11. Do I believe that I can survive losing my relationship, if I decide the price of staying in it is too much for me?
12. Can I make a commitment to make my own well-being more important than my need to connect with the one I love? If not, can I make it AT LEAST AS important so that I can stop this emotional pain?

The reality is that all these questions are worthy of reflection and many of them can be scary to ponder and agonizing to acknowledge initially. However, there is great personal wisdom and insight and freedom to be gained if you want to get to the truth of whatever you need and want in your life.

SMOM1, it seems that you’ve given up a lot because the man you love tells you “No.” Could this dynamic, be anything like what it was like for you as a child? Was there a key figure in your young life who had the power to override your wishes when you were too little to do anything about it? is it possible that the little girl in you is believing that this adult relationship has to be the same as her parent child relationship? Was there ever someone who gave you the clear message...if you want to be loved you have to give me your power?

I realize that this is a big topic and one that I don’t take lightly.
If you’re feeling upset by my comments, it’s possible that I’m completely off-base or maybe this is what’s happening and it’s a time to be extremely gentle with yourself.

You don’t have to read anymore unless you want to.

I know it took me a long time (with help) to let in how much I’d recreated the emotional dynamics of my childhood with my present and past husband. I can tell you that I believe it was worth enduring the pins and needles of waking up. The question is, is this what’s right for you now or what you want?
There’s never a guarantee that your BF will want to wake up, but nothing is going to change unless you do. Many times taking a new stance creates the space for change and that can be very good for everyone. This seems to be the gift and the burden of so many women in relationships.

How to understand this more completely?

Reading “The Drama of the Gifted Child” or “The Truth will set you free” or Free from Lies” all by Dr. Alice Miller” is a good place to start. She will explain this in more detail. Let me tell you a bit more about it so you can decide if you want to pursue this now or later or not at all.

I’m a huge believer in the work of Dr. Alice Miller. She wrote many profound books about how our child-rearing and the details of the emotional survival strategy (we needed to create to survive) is something we forget about while we’re still young. She writes about how the beliefs and strategies we needed to survive as children become imprisoning beliefs and strategies as adults. This is so profoundly true, in my experience.

She explains that until we’re conscious and aware of the strategies we used as kids, we’re going to fall into similar emotional patterns as adults. She calls this, “the unconscious compulsion to repeat.” It’s not a bad or wrong thing, it’s a human nature thing. It means that we can be unknowingly, sometimes inexplicably drawn to someone with whom we experience similar feelings (from childhood) with the unconscious hope that THIS time things will work out differently. Sadly without becoming conscious of what is happening, we only do it over and over again, feeling the same pain each time with a cumulative impact. This is why, in her view and now mine, that seemingly simple upsetting things can be felt so strongly and deeply without us understanding consciously what is upsetting us.

I could give you 20-30 examples from my own life, that demonstrates this principal. I’m not going to (Phew!) but because I’ve uncovered so much of this for myself and so many clients, I believe that it’s worth a look when anyone is experiencing emotional discomfort in a relationship.

Shall we have a look at your situation now?

If we were talking, I’d ask you a few questions.
NO right or wrong answers, just questions that may shed light on things in a new way for you. This is how we make unconscious things conscious. It’s like shining a flashlight into a dark room full of stuff that we didn’t know we had. It can be fascinating, surprising, temporarily horrifying or painful and always very freeing and empowering once we understand it. Being awake and conscious is always more empowering than that which we can’t see or know about.

I’d ask you the following and you can reply if you wish...never any pressure.

Can you think of any times from your childhood where you were needing someone else’s permission to do the things you wanted to do, but the other person always had the Veto power over you? If so, how does it feel in comparison to how you feel when your BF says “No” to you?

Are there times now, when you don’t say or do whatever you want to say or do to your BF, because you fear, know or worry that it will make him angry at you, maybe spoil the mood or cause you hurt feelings?

If you could do or say anything you wanted to, without fear of your BF getting angry, leaving, punishing you in any way and/or if you KNEW that he would be supportive of whatever you wanted, what would you say or do? Please think about this for a moment and write them all down, if you are so inclined. My sense is that giving yourself the freedom to act on your gut instincts, your needs, your wishes with uncensored speech and actions is not something you’ve had a lot of experience with in your primary relationships. Any truth to that for you?

If any of this is ringing true for you, what can you do about it?

There are a few choices you can make and the choice is something you have control over, that’s empowering! (See my article, ‘Are your choices based on fear or courage?” for more about the power of having choices.)

Some Options:

Do nothing different and keep hoping you can find new ways to endure, accept and handle things the way they are between you and BF. It takes a lot of energy to try to get others to go along with what we want but trying can keep our well-being just above water and we can survive. Sometimes there are other reasons we accept relationship stress. No right or wrong here.

You can take a deep breath, in the privacy of your own heart and mind and ask yourself “What do I want from my intimate partner? Am I getting this from my BF? What, if anything, do I want to do about this?” Trusting your gut and your heart is always a good way to go. It’s a time to be rutally honest with yourself to make sure you’re listening to your heart and gut not your fears or your childhood programming.

Get to the bottom of what beliefs you have that cause you to be “OK” with (allow) the way your BF is interacting with you and your needs/wants. This means self-discovery work and while this is challenging it’s also extremely healing and insightful.

You can take inventory on any and all things that are not ok with you in your relationship with BF and you can sit down with him and create a new plan for going forward. You can choose to tell him (not asking him) that the dynamics of power between you two HAVE to change and that you want to craft something that works for BOTH of you as equals in the relationship.

NOTE: If your BF is a narcissist, this is NOT going to work as Narcissists are not willing to have Win:Win relationships, they must have the “One-up relationship” Please read or listen to “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” by Eleanor Payson for more about narcissists. Chapter 1 (free) is available on the top of the BB and by listening for 26 minutes you will know if he is a narcissist (or just has narcissistic qualities) or not.

Whatever you decide, it takes courage to wake up and become conscious and to see what you really need, what wounds you still carry and what limited or faulty beliefs you’re still holding on to unconsciously that you can uncover so you can make new conscious choices. We’re so much more skilled and experienced at enduring, tolerating, ignoring, rationalizing or taking the blame for things that cause us pain, distress, rage ,etc. We’ve done so much to be close to the people we love and it’s been painful at a level often hard to imagine at first. Sometimes the backlog of unresolved pain can feel overwhelming so having some support is a good thing.

Whatever you chose to do, I want to encourage you to hold onto the belief that you do HAVE CHOICES, that you are WORTHY of having a tremendously loving relationship with someone who joyfully puts your needs right up there equally with his, just as you have done for everyone you have loved.

I want to remind you that you have the right, as a bright, generous, talented, loving adult woman, to make decisions that are right for you and to live life the way YOU want to live it, all the while loving and honoring someone giving you the same consideration. As an adult, unlike when you were a child, you now have the ability to take care of yourself (to thrive) even if someone you love decides they can’t or won’t join you in the relationship that you want.

Puppy or no puppy, peace corp or not, it feels to me that you may not believe, deep down, that you have the right to make your own wants and needs as important as those around you AND believe that you will have someone to love you all at the same time! I wish this for you. I wish this for all of us on our challenging journey through this lifetime.

I know there’s a lot of info here.
For some reason, as I wrote at the beginning, I felt compelled to write this.
If I’ve overstepped in any way that makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.

This is what is in my heart, receive it as you will.
May you find more empowerment, peace and well-being on your journey.
All the Best, Cathryn

SMOM1 REPLIES TO CATHRYN:

Cathryn,
Thank you for your insight. I hope to respond as soon as I can, however it will take some thought. Merry Christmas!

CATHRYN REPLIES BACK TO SMOM1:

HI there, Thank you for your holiday greetings! Please know that there’s never any pressure to reply. The stuff you are dealing with is life changing and so I want you to honor your timing! I'll be here, as will your sister SMOMS if you decide you want to work on this stuff.

I'm going to turn this into an article soon so others can read it. I will take your screen name off of it and just call you "SMOM" so your privacy here on the board is protected as well. It will also clear up some space at the top of the Board.

Love to you, on this transformational journey.
May you find the courage and the support to do whatever is best for you.
Cathryn

SMOM2 COMMENTS ON CATHRYN’S POST:

Wow! I feel like you've just told my whole life story in a nut shell. My relationship with my dh used to be very much like this. I think it started when i gave up my job to stay home with my sds and my daughter. It seemed like it was partly my decision at the time but then my friends got left by the wayside and pretty soon i felt like i was living in a tiny box and i couldn’t do anything with out his permission. It got to the point where i couldn’t even leave the house with makeup on. And it wasn’t that he told me i couldn’t it was more that every time i did something he didn’t like, it was a huge fight and i’m not a confrontational person so i didn’t want to fight so i would just stop hanging out with people he didnt like and pretty soon i had no friends and then i wouldnt wear makeup as much until i wasn’t wearing it at all. It was gradual and so it took me a long time to notice it and realize how unhappy i really was. I just kept giving and giving and eventually i was a shell of a human being.

Eventually i talked to my therapist that i was seeing about the death of my eldest step daughter about it. I was ashamed...i was surprised really by how much shame i felt. I didn’t want her or anyone else to see my dh as a bad man. He’s really not. He’s an excellent father and he is my soul mate. I think whAt happened is he lost control when he lost his daughter and he needed to get control over his life somehow and he achieved it in an unhealthy way through me.

Anyway, i started talking to him about it over time even though i was fearful. I tackled one issue at a time and each time we had a conversation or fight about our issues i gained a little bit of my power back. I remember the first time i talked to him, i said "this problem isnt completely your fault...you've been controlling but i also allowed it to happen...so we've gotten into this cycle of you not wanting me to do certain things and me just saying 'ok i just wont do that anymore'." He was angry at first but i think by taking some of the pressure off of him, it lessened the blow.

We spent many nights arguing. He was very resistant to admit he had a problem but now things are back on the right track. Its not 100% but its much much better. I do things with friends again. I wear makeup whenever i feel like it and i am unafraid.
I think the biggest obstacle was the conversations i had to have with myself. I had to say " what you want is important and its ok to fight for it sometimes" and i had to practically chant to myself " don’t back down...don’t give up. Your world won’t crumble if you tell him the truth about how you feel " i told myself that the worst thing that could happen is he leaves and if that happened i would survive it.

I guess the thing i really wanted to say was thank you. Your post really touched me. It was very insightful and nearly everything you said rang true for me. Cant say enough how much this site has helped me in the short time I’ve been a member.
Thanks again, SMOM2

CATHRYN REPLIES TO SMOM2:

Dear SMOM2, Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've been very brave and it's great that you're able to see things changing as you take a stand for yourself. This is so empowering. I know the same fear you talk about. As we begin to speak up and the person we love sees that we're not going to be pushed around about this or that anymore, the dynamics change. Yes there's often an argument but it's usually the other person doing an energetic tug of war for the power they can somehow sense they're losing. It may be unconscious but it is often palpable.

Raising a voice, turning a cold shoulder, arguing are all controlling bullying tactics to varying levels.

It indicates fear in the bullying person and once we decide we have equal rights in our relationships and once we decide to stand up for whatever we're feeling things will shift. Sometimes are unpredictable actions and strength can trigger an initial counter measure from the other person. Sort of an, "I'm going to try to get you back to the person I can control" attempt. However, when we can stand strong and if the other person is willing to listen to us, things can change.

It's also very powerful to know deep in your heart that you CAN survive if the worse thing we fear happens.

One could also say that staying in a relationship where we're not free to be our true selves IS the worse thing that can happen, but until we really know and feel that we are adult women who can Survive and one day be even happier, is a very powerful awareness. I know how that feels and you've shown it can work. Ironically being willing to leave is sometimes the very thing that gets the attention of the man we love, resulting in true change. Not as an ultimatum, as that is counter-controlling tactic, but it shows a true emotional boundary and the belief that we deserve to be treated as an equal partner in life.

It's wonderful that your DH is coming around to seeing that you have rights and that your rights don't have to hurt him or punish him at all. If you want to learn more about control, check out the few articles about it in the relationship section of the site. "Testing and Proving Love" is one I'd start with.

Congrats for all the changes you're making.
Again, thanks for sharing. It's great to have you here. I bet you've inspired others here.
Here's hoping that your situation continues to improve and that as the control melts away, there's more room for the love to flow between you.
It's very kind of you to share your good thoughts about being here. That's the goal, to support you all and to give you a place to support each other.

Please keep up the great work.
May 2013 bring you in touch with even more of your glorious powerful loving self, Cathryn

SMOM2 REPLIES TO CATHRYN:
Thank you for responding. You definitely had some very powerful insights. And i appreciate you taking time to think of me and my situation.
You are a great inspiration to me.
Sincerely, SMOM2]]> <![CDATA[A gift you & Your Beloved can exchange any time of year.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34156 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 02:37:19 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34156 With the beginning of the new year comes the chance for an emotional clean slate and new beginnings. With that in mind, I'd like to share a little something that may bring you and your Beloved a bit closer in the new year. My DH and I have been doing it for over 10 years, since we learned about it so I wanted to share it...again. For those of you who've been around, you'll recognize it and maybe it will bring another smile to your faces.

This is a way to gift yourself and each other with ways to make yourselves feel more loving and loved. All you need to do this is 2 index cards, a pen or 2 and the willingness to think about what makes YOU happy. Intrigued?

On one index card, fill it out like this:

"10 things DH can to/do SMOM to make SMOM feel loved."

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Now comes the fun part.
Put on your thinking cap and imagine all the fun, romantic, practical silly and sweet little things that your DH could do that would result in your smiling and feeling more loved and more connected.

The secret to this working is that they need to be simple, doable and you need to be willing to feel receive these actions as an offering of love whenever he does these things. This will give him confidence that there is something to do whenever he doesn't know what to do...even if it's a peace-offering. These 10 things need to feed your heart and Soul.

Here are some examples:

1. Come up behind me, when I don't expect it and put your arms around me & kiss my neck lovingly.
2. Proudly call me Mrs. DH (like a nickname) in front of people.
3. Cheerfully, make the bed, empty the dishwasher, fold the laundry, etc without being asked.
4. Ask me out on a date (or create some alone time at home) that you plan.
5. Talk to our pets like you really believe they understand you & tell me what they say back!
6. Kiss me passionately before you go off to work for the day.
7. Leave me an unexpected note somewhere.
8. Call me during the day, for no reason at all, other than because you truly want to connect.
9. Tell me about something I did for you that made YOU feel loved so I can do it over and over again.
10.Come around & open the car door for me or carry me over the threshold or do anything that smacks of romantic comedy--just for fun!

See? Easy and fun and always makes me smile just imagining things.
Wanna try?

Once you've made up your index card to give to DH, start an index card for him to fill out for you.
It would look like this:

"10 things SMOM can do for/to DH to make DH feel loved."

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Here's where your creativity can make this kind of fun...think about how and when and where to give this to him. If it's a new thing, you might tell him about it, give him his card and ask that you exchange cards at the time of your choosing. If your DH is shy or hesitant, you can also give him your card so he's not afraid of doing his wrong. (Guys can be funny like that.)

There are all kinds of ways to do this.
We do it each New Years Eve or sometimes on our anniversaries-just for the fun of it.

If you decide to do this with your DH and want to share your stories or experiences...please do. This new year is a chance for us all to try new things and to learn from each other as we become closer to our DH's and more in touch with ourselves.

Wishing you all lots of fun with this idea.
My Very Best wishes to you and your families, Cathryn]]> With the beginning of the new year comes the chance for an emotional clean slate and new beginnings. With that in mind, I'd like to share a little something that may bring you and your Beloved a bit closer in the new year. My DH and I have been doing it for over 10 years, since we learned about it so I wanted to share it...again. For those of you who've been around, you'll recognize it and maybe it will bring another smile to your faces.

This is a way to gift yourself and each other with ways to make yourselves feel more loving and loved. All you need to do this is 2 index cards, a pen or 2 and the willingness to think about what makes YOU happy. Intrigued?

On one index card, fill it out like this:

"10 things DH can to/do SMOM to make SMOM feel loved."

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Now comes the fun part.
Put on your thinking cap and imagine all the fun, romantic, practical silly and sweet little things that your DH could do that would result in your smiling and feeling more loved and more connected.

The secret to this working is that they need to be simple, doable and you need to be willing to feel receive these actions as an offering of love whenever he does these things. This will give him confidence that there is something to do whenever he doesn't know what to do...even if it's a peace-offering. These 10 things need to feed your heart and Soul.

Here are some examples:

1. Come up behind me, when I don't expect it and put your arms around me & kiss my neck lovingly.
2. Proudly call me Mrs. DH (like a nickname) in front of people.
3. Cheerfully, make the bed, empty the dishwasher, fold the laundry, etc without being asked.
4. Ask me out on a date (or create some alone time at home) that you plan.
5. Talk to our pets like you really believe they understand you & tell me what they say back!
6. Kiss me passionately before you go off to work for the day.
7. Leave me an unexpected note somewhere.
8. Call me during the day, for no reason at all, other than because you truly want to connect.
9. Tell me about something I did for you that made YOU feel loved so I can do it over and over again.
10.Come around & open the car door for me or carry me over the threshold or do anything that smacks of romantic comedy--just for fun!

See? Easy and fun and always makes me smile just imagining things.
Wanna try?

Once you've made up your index card to give to DH, start an index card for him to fill out for you.
It would look like this:

"10 things SMOM can do for/to DH to make DH feel loved."

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Here's where your creativity can make this kind of fun...think about how and when and where to give this to him. If it's a new thing, you might tell him about it, give him his card and ask that you exchange cards at the time of your choosing. If your DH is shy or hesitant, you can also give him your card so he's not afraid of doing his wrong. (Guys can be funny like that.)

There are all kinds of ways to do this.
We do it each New Years Eve or sometimes on our anniversaries-just for the fun of it.

If you decide to do this with your DH and want to share your stories or experiences...please do. This new year is a chance for us all to try new things and to learn from each other as we become closer to our DH's and more in touch with ourselves.

Wishing you all lots of fun with this idea.
My Very Best wishes to you and your families, Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[How to handle it when skids away Christmas Day?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34055 Mon, 17 Dec 2012 23:22:44 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=34055
Her Question about the holidays:
With difference visitation schedules, how to include and handle stepchildren and biological children, into Holiday traditions?

Dear Cathryn,
I'm a mother to four children. The older two boys are technically my stepchildren, though I have been a mother to them longer than they can remember. They are now 9 and 7. The younger two are my biological children with my husband. A girl, 3, and a baby boy. The younger two live with us all the time, the older two are with us 50% of the time, every Wednesday through Saturday or Sunday.

I'm "mommy" or "mama" to all of my children.
My oldest two children made me a mother.
I love them completely and without distinction between biological and non-biological.
It is, however, hard to deny that their experiences are different than the other two younger children. They have another family- another "mom" (biological mother) and another home where they live 50% of the time.

I'm struggling this year with Christmas. Until this point, we would just celebrate Christmas with all of the kids whenever we were together. It has almost always been on Christmas day. This year Christmas eve and Christmas day fall on days when they're at their other house. I really don't know what to do.

Santa can clearly only come on one day-- Christmas eve. The kids are old enough to know what day of the month it is and when Christmas is.

When should we open presents?
Do we wait 3 days for them to get back to open gifts together?
Is it fair to the biological children (for lack of a better way to refer to them) to have to wait and not open their Christmas presents knowing that their brothers are having a full-on Christmas experience complete with gifts at their other house?

If we wait, then how can we make Christmas special to them without doing something "too special" so the stepchildren feel left out?
It seems that there is always an emphasis on the feelings and experiences of the stepchildren, but not on how to handle the biological children who stay behind.

As the biological children get older I get more and more concerned about how to handle these types of things. Trying to explain to them how lucky they are to have one home would be completely lost on them. They can see that their brothers get two times as much of everything- Christmas, birthdays, Easter, gifts from extra grandparents... And that's the way that their brothers see it, too (at least so far!).
I don't have any worries about my stepchildren. They are very loved and seem happy with their life and their families. I just don't want our love for them and their place in the family leave the other children feeling left out.

What do you think? Thank you.

A concerned StepMom

PS. Our relationship with the older boys' biological mother is not good. We only communicate necessary information through the mail and do not communicate otherwise. This is the healthiest way we have come to for all of us. Before that, we made efforts for years to cultivate a healthy and relatively friendly relationship, and she continued to send hateful letters, behave disrespectfully to us in front of the children, and even came into our home when we weren't there and scratched expletives into our family photo. I'm only sharing this to emphasize that our solution must come from a place of working within the time and family arrangements that we currently have, and a "working together" strategy of sharing Christmas gifts is not practical. Maybe someday...

CATHRYN'S REPLY

Dear "Concerned StepMom,"

I'm going to be sharing your letter and this reply in two places.
First, It will be in "Cathryn's Mailbox" AND I'm posting on a thread on our general bb, for members only. I urge you to register with us(free) so you can benefit from any comments from sister stepmoms. We call ourselves "SMOMS." Rhymes with Mom's and you are very welcome to join our community of Stepmoms on a Mission.

With that said, I'd like to acknowledge your situation and all that you've ben through with your skids' bio-mom. It sounds like you've done a tremendous job creating your family life in spite of bio-mom's tactics and antics. Most of us can understand just how much emotional energy having a hostile bio-mom can cost you and your DH (Dear Husband.)

Now to the specifics of your question, a few ideas:

Since your bio-kids are small this year, what about having your Christmas just as you would like and tell your stepsons (when/if you talk to them) "Santa came here also and your things are waiting for you when you get here!" Hopefully your enthusiasm and reassurance that everything is still in place for them, will give you AND your bio-kids two chances to enjoy the happiness of the Christmas morning celebration.

Since your bio-kids are still little, it may be easier for you to handle this now. Perhaps you can "Find" another little something for your daughter IF she feels left out. You and your DH can find something in the tree or something that has "fallen behind the couch" etc. as a way of her sharing in the delight. Do you think that would work?

As your bio-kids get older, you could create a few special things for them to enjoy the second celebration, instead of feeling left out. Creativity is one of our specialties here at SMOMS.org. For ex: Santa could mistakenly placed a couple of things in your stepkids' stockings as your kids get older (so they get something else to open when your stepkids come back. Or, you could start some new traditions that include holding a few gifts to share with all the kids.

I think you can find ways to use the fact that your stepkids are a bit older, as an advantage. If you're lucky enough to have thoughtful skids, they can be helpful in keeping the spirit of Santa alive for their siblings. Their ages may give you the chance to divvy up the number of gifts so that everyone feels included. This also gives your own kids 2 celebrations, of sorts.

I'm not sure if your stepkids are going to be giving you all any gifts but if so, then your family will have 2 times of gift exchange and for a few years, anyway, your own bio-kids will just enjoy another celebration. For them, it will just be the "Way it is."

In terms of your stepkids feeling they missed out on something...Perhaps they are old enough to understand they can't be 2 places at once AND you can ask them for their list of the 2-4 things they love doing the most together with you. If doable, perhaps you can save those events for time together. Again since your bio-kids are so young, you can do whatever you want with them so you can have the best of both worlds. This is kind of unique in that you can enjoy your time with your bio-kids and with your stepkids, teaching both of them ways to have fun anytime, independent of the calendar and even better, disconnected from the impact of a hostile bio-mom.

You have such good questions and hopefully I've convinced you to put on your creative thinking cap. If you want to register for the BB, you will be able to read any more replies and follow-up with me and other sister SMOMS. I will look forward to that, if it makes sense for you.

May you get all kinds of good ideas so this can be the beginning of a whole bunch of fun family traditions for you all. Thanks for writing in. Best Wishes, Cathryn]]>
Her Question about the holidays:
With difference visitation schedules, how to include and handle stepchildren and biological children, into Holiday traditions?

Dear Cathryn,
I'm a mother to four children. The older two boys are technically my stepchildren, though I have been a mother to them longer than they can remember. They are now 9 and 7. The younger two are my biological children with my husband. A girl, 3, and a baby boy. The younger two live with us all the time, the older two are with us 50% of the time, every Wednesday through Saturday or Sunday.

I'm "mommy" or "mama" to all of my children.
My oldest two children made me a mother.
I love them completely and without distinction between biological and non-biological.
It is, however, hard to deny that their experiences are different than the other two younger children. They have another family- another "mom" (biological mother) and another home where they live 50% of the time.

I'm struggling this year with Christmas. Until this point, we would just celebrate Christmas with all of the kids whenever we were together. It has almost always been on Christmas day. This year Christmas eve and Christmas day fall on days when they're at their other house. I really don't know what to do.

Santa can clearly only come on one day-- Christmas eve. The kids are old enough to know what day of the month it is and when Christmas is.

When should we open presents?
Do we wait 3 days for them to get back to open gifts together?
Is it fair to the biological children (for lack of a better way to refer to them) to have to wait and not open their Christmas presents knowing that their brothers are having a full-on Christmas experience complete with gifts at their other house?

If we wait, then how can we make Christmas special to them without doing something "too special" so the stepchildren feel left out?
It seems that there is always an emphasis on the feelings and experiences of the stepchildren, but not on how to handle the biological children who stay behind.

As the biological children get older I get more and more concerned about how to handle these types of things. Trying to explain to them how lucky they are to have one home would be completely lost on them. They can see that their brothers get two times as much of everything- Christmas, birthdays, Easter, gifts from extra grandparents... And that's the way that their brothers see it, too (at least so far!).
I don't have any worries about my stepchildren. They are very loved and seem happy with their life and their families. I just don't want our love for them and their place in the family leave the other children feeling left out.

What do you think? Thank you.

A concerned StepMom

PS. Our relationship with the older boys' biological mother is not good. We only communicate necessary information through the mail and do not communicate otherwise. This is the healthiest way we have come to for all of us. Before that, we made efforts for years to cultivate a healthy and relatively friendly relationship, and she continued to send hateful letters, behave disrespectfully to us in front of the children, and even came into our home when we weren't there and scratched expletives into our family photo. I'm only sharing this to emphasize that our solution must come from a place of working within the time and family arrangements that we currently have, and a "working together" strategy of sharing Christmas gifts is not practical. Maybe someday...

CATHRYN'S REPLY

Dear "Concerned StepMom,"

I'm going to be sharing your letter and this reply in two places.
First, It will be in "Cathryn's Mailbox" AND I'm posting on a thread on our general bb, for members only. I urge you to register with us(free) so you can benefit from any comments from sister stepmoms. We call ourselves "SMOMS." Rhymes with Mom's and you are very welcome to join our community of Stepmoms on a Mission.

With that said, I'd like to acknowledge your situation and all that you've ben through with your skids' bio-mom. It sounds like you've done a tremendous job creating your family life in spite of bio-mom's tactics and antics. Most of us can understand just how much emotional energy having a hostile bio-mom can cost you and your DH (Dear Husband.)

Now to the specifics of your question, a few ideas:

Since your bio-kids are small this year, what about having your Christmas just as you would like and tell your stepsons (when/if you talk to them) "Santa came here also and your things are waiting for you when you get here!" Hopefully your enthusiasm and reassurance that everything is still in place for them, will give you AND your bio-kids two chances to enjoy the happiness of the Christmas morning celebration.

Since your bio-kids are still little, it may be easier for you to handle this now. Perhaps you can "Find" another little something for your daughter IF she feels left out. You and your DH can find something in the tree or something that has "fallen behind the couch" etc. as a way of her sharing in the delight. Do you think that would work?

As your bio-kids get older, you could create a few special things for them to enjoy the second celebration, instead of feeling left out. Creativity is one of our specialties here at SMOMS.org. For ex: Santa could mistakenly placed a couple of things in your stepkids' stockings as your kids get older (so they get something else to open when your stepkids come back. Or, you could start some new traditions that include holding a few gifts to share with all the kids.

I think you can find ways to use the fact that your stepkids are a bit older, as an advantage. If you're lucky enough to have thoughtful skids, they can be helpful in keeping the spirit of Santa alive for their siblings. Their ages may give you the chance to divvy up the number of gifts so that everyone feels included. This also gives your own kids 2 celebrations, of sorts.

I'm not sure if your stepkids are going to be giving you all any gifts but if so, then your family will have 2 times of gift exchange and for a few years, anyway, your own bio-kids will just enjoy another celebration. For them, it will just be the "Way it is."

In terms of your stepkids feeling they missed out on something...Perhaps they are old enough to understand they can't be 2 places at once AND you can ask them for their list of the 2-4 things they love doing the most together with you. If doable, perhaps you can save those events for time together. Again since your bio-kids are so young, you can do whatever you want with them so you can have the best of both worlds. This is kind of unique in that you can enjoy your time with your bio-kids and with your stepkids, teaching both of them ways to have fun anytime, independent of the calendar and even better, disconnected from the impact of a hostile bio-mom.

You have such good questions and hopefully I've convinced you to put on your creative thinking cap. If you want to register for the BB, you will be able to read any more replies and follow-up with me and other sister SMOMS. I will look forward to that, if it makes sense for you.

May you get all kinds of good ideas so this can be the beginning of a whole bunch of fun family traditions for you all. Thanks for writing in. Best Wishes, Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[How to help each other when in crisis?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33907 Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:20:19 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33907
Below is a post I wrote in reply to a sister SMOM who was unsure about when to speak up, when to stay quiet, what is support, what is silent allowing and these are all very important questions. You can read the entire thread and the replies of several other SMOMS by going to the Open Section of the Bulletin board under the Forum with Sample Threads of the BB. You’ll see the title.

This in the Stepmom Specific Article Section because I feel strongly about how I want us to support each other here are SMOMS.org. It’s not the only way to support each other but since the overarching goal at SMOMS.org is respectful compassionate support, I wanted to share so you can see if this approach resonates with you or not.

CBD Reply to original post. (I’ve edited it a bit for ease of reading.)

Hi Ladies,
We're a site for a lot of women in emotional crisis of some degree and you and I are here to support each other through the often complex and unchartered waters of being a stepmom who most likely has challenging stepkids and/or has to deal with their hostile bio-mom.

Many come here are feeling overwhelmed, isolated, judged and exhausted.

Even though being a stepmom can be the most excruciating experience we’ve ever had, I truly believe that being in the role of stepmom is also a tremendous opportunity for personal growth, healing and transformation AND many of those things are not possible when we're at the end of our emotional rope and needing and looking for some connection, some TLC, some compassion and some hope that there's something...anything... we can do to help ease the suffering, while trying to keep our hope alive and the loving connection with our Beloved in tact.

My coach Kit used to say, "Help isn't help unless perceived so by the recipient." He said that to me in 1984 and I still have to remind myself of that every once in awhile. Here at SMOMS we work hard to help and be helped as much as we can and that ability and/or need can vary from hour to hour.

I'd like to encourage you all to consider a couple of things when you read a post that triggers a strong emotional reaction and urge to reply. These are things that I feel are important and helpful. Doesn't make them right or true, it's just my opinion, please receive it as you will:

1. Witnessing and acknowledging the feelings of another is ALWAYS helpful to that person. Being seen, heard or read and replied to is a priceless human gift we can all give each other. In my experience harm is never done in this process. Just figuratively holding someone's hand and saying, "I know this is hard" to me, is not endorsing or supporting anything, it’s just giving a much needed human gift.

2. We can have "red flag" reactions to things for 3 main reasons. There are ways to offer help and honor your urge to reply when you can offer an observation for her to consider because,

you're objective, you can see something she's just missing because she's too entangled in her world.
You've lived through it and although you want to shout "Wake up, save yourself sooner and with less pain than I did!" You can resist and share your story.
There's something about what you're reading that's still unconscious, not-yet-understood and/or just too close to your world that you see more and be wiser in her situation than in your own situation. Sharing your opinion with her in this case, often gives you some emotional breathing room.

So, sharing whatever you observe from your own experience, from any of these perspectives give a sister SMOM a chance to reflect without having to agree, defend, comment or even like whatever you say. Your observations and sharings are gifts when offered with this intention.

Make Sense?

Somehow we can sense if the ideas are offered with this loving compassionate intention and it's a wonderful feeling to be a recipient of this act of kindness, even if we don't act on or agree with whatever the woman wrote.

Why? Because it's womanhood at it's best, in my view. Women giving each other the best of their strong feelings, wisdom and lovingkindness and then easily letting go of the results or interpretations of this gift.

However, if the advice is given from the conscious or unconscious and usually unspoken perspective of "I know what you should do better than you do (for whatever reason or training or personal experience) and I believe that if you don't do as I suggest, that you're weak or wrong or unwilling to face the truth, etc," This can hurt, offend, anger or scare the person because it's a non-verbal feeling that's transmitted with the words.

When in doubt, check it out!
Sometimes the recipient may be sensitive about something and may misinterpret someone as telling them what to do, or judging them (who likes that?) even when that’s NOT the intention of the reply. That's upsetting to both parties and requires some follow-up. This is why I encourage anyone feeling that they’re being harshly judged or criticized, to "push back" and have the courage to ask, "Is this what you're saying? x,y,z,?"

I believe we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and a LOT of slack as many are being stretched so thin emotionally, many for years and years. SMOMS.org is always going to work to be a safe place for women to help and be helped and yet we can still all practice the extra patience and curiosity that we'd like to receive from each other if there's ever a potential misunderstanding. Like I said, “When in doubt, check it out-please!”

3. There have been a few painful blow-ups here when some SMOMS feel they have a duty to "tell their truths" directly to another SMOM in a blunt, direct manner. This is NOT an OK approach here are SMOMS.org. When anger, the need to judge another as bad or wrong or the desire to "hit em with the truth as you see it" arises, this is very telling (and sad) about the ways you were taught as a child. All the anger that you are feeling deserves YOUR loving attention (instead of directing it out to another) and yet for many, the only pathway for expressing anger is at others.

This is a common, well-worn path for many and it’s just NOT OK here are SMOMS.org. If you ever feel angry at another SMOM or like you need to shake up a SMOM to "get her" to see or do something...please stop yourself and ask yourself, "Hey, what's going on here? What's this situation bringing up for me?" There are often lots of golden insights FOR YOU if you're willing to honor that anger and be curious about your own feelings.

4. There is being truthful (and it's relative to everyone) and then there's being honest. Honest sharing is AOK here. Not every agrees with my opinion on this. I believe that the difference between telling the truth and being honest is critical here. I believe telling the truth is sharing the facts as you see them with the belief it's the only way to see it. On the other hand, I believe that being honest is sharing the facts in a way that takes the other person's feelings into consideration as the most important goal/intention of the sharing. Like EvilStepmother says, we can always find a way to communicate with respect and compassion IF that's the goal. I hope that is every SMOMS’ goal.

5. I've found that people can often hear things when they are told a personal story. Like Rose and a couple of others mentioned in the original thread, sharing a story of, "When this happened to me I felt, a,b c and did x,y & Z and here's what happened” is a terrific way to relay insight, experience and wisdom for another SMOM to consider.

We all learn at different rates and in different ways. In 12 years of doing this, I can't ever remember anyone ever being offended because a sister SMOM shared her story with the intention of offering whatever value might apply to anyone reading it. This kind of sharing does require a deeper level of vulnerability, I get that and it's another reason we're now a private bulletin board.

6. It's also my experience and training that the more value and self-worth someone feels for themselves, the less they are likely to allow others to mistreat them. In "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz says that we never allow anyone to treat us worse than we treat ourselves." Boy reading that really blew me away. With this, I believe that the more we can help each other remember our own goodness, our truth, our value by giving each other lots of support, ideas and by posing questions that help us each see things in new ways, the more we're going to help sister SMOMS in crisis in priceless ways.

It was already mentioned that we all learn in our own time and ways. Being here, looking for and offering help, compassion, ideas and possibilities is a tremendous way to help empower each other so we can all feel strong and wise enough to face our own truths and to build up the genuine confidence that we can handle whatever we need to handle for our own highest good.

It's a good thing to discuss. Best Wishes to all, Cathryn]]>
Below is a post I wrote in reply to a sister SMOM who was unsure about when to speak up, when to stay quiet, what is support, what is silent allowing and these are all very important questions. You can read the entire thread and the replies of several other SMOMS by going to the Open Section of the Bulletin board under the Forum with Sample Threads of the BB. You’ll see the title.

This in the Stepmom Specific Article Section because I feel strongly about how I want us to support each other here are SMOMS.org. It’s not the only way to support each other but since the overarching goal at SMOMS.org is respectful compassionate support, I wanted to share so you can see if this approach resonates with you or not.

CBD Reply to original post. (I’ve edited it a bit for ease of reading.)

Hi Ladies,
We're a site for a lot of women in emotional crisis of some degree and you and I are here to support each other through the often complex and unchartered waters of being a stepmom who most likely has challenging stepkids and/or has to deal with their hostile bio-mom.

Many come here are feeling overwhelmed, isolated, judged and exhausted.

Even though being a stepmom can be the most excruciating experience we’ve ever had, I truly believe that being in the role of stepmom is also a tremendous opportunity for personal growth, healing and transformation AND many of those things are not possible when we're at the end of our emotional rope and needing and looking for some connection, some TLC, some compassion and some hope that there's something...anything... we can do to help ease the suffering, while trying to keep our hope alive and the loving connection with our Beloved in tact.

My coach Kit used to say, "Help isn't help unless perceived so by the recipient." He said that to me in 1984 and I still have to remind myself of that every once in awhile. Here at SMOMS we work hard to help and be helped as much as we can and that ability and/or need can vary from hour to hour.

I'd like to encourage you all to consider a couple of things when you read a post that triggers a strong emotional reaction and urge to reply. These are things that I feel are important and helpful. Doesn't make them right or true, it's just my opinion, please receive it as you will:

1. Witnessing and acknowledging the feelings of another is ALWAYS helpful to that person. Being seen, heard or read and replied to is a priceless human gift we can all give each other. In my experience harm is never done in this process. Just figuratively holding someone's hand and saying, "I know this is hard" to me, is not endorsing or supporting anything, it’s just giving a much needed human gift.

2. We can have "red flag" reactions to things for 3 main reasons. There are ways to offer help and honor your urge to reply when you can offer an observation for her to consider because,

you're objective, you can see something she's just missing because she's too entangled in her world.
You've lived through it and although you want to shout "Wake up, save yourself sooner and with less pain than I did!" You can resist and share your story.
There's something about what you're reading that's still unconscious, not-yet-understood and/or just too close to your world that you see more and be wiser in her situation than in your own situation. Sharing your opinion with her in this case, often gives you some emotional breathing room.

So, sharing whatever you observe from your own experience, from any of these perspectives give a sister SMOM a chance to reflect without having to agree, defend, comment or even like whatever you say. Your observations and sharings are gifts when offered with this intention.

Make Sense?

Somehow we can sense if the ideas are offered with this loving compassionate intention and it's a wonderful feeling to be a recipient of this act of kindness, even if we don't act on or agree with whatever the woman wrote.

Why? Because it's womanhood at it's best, in my view. Women giving each other the best of their strong feelings, wisdom and lovingkindness and then easily letting go of the results or interpretations of this gift.

However, if the advice is given from the conscious or unconscious and usually unspoken perspective of "I know what you should do better than you do (for whatever reason or training or personal experience) and I believe that if you don't do as I suggest, that you're weak or wrong or unwilling to face the truth, etc," This can hurt, offend, anger or scare the person because it's a non-verbal feeling that's transmitted with the words.

When in doubt, check it out!
Sometimes the recipient may be sensitive about something and may misinterpret someone as telling them what to do, or judging them (who likes that?) even when that’s NOT the intention of the reply. That's upsetting to both parties and requires some follow-up. This is why I encourage anyone feeling that they’re being harshly judged or criticized, to "push back" and have the courage to ask, "Is this what you're saying? x,y,z,?"

I believe we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and a LOT of slack as many are being stretched so thin emotionally, many for years and years. SMOMS.org is always going to work to be a safe place for women to help and be helped and yet we can still all practice the extra patience and curiosity that we'd like to receive from each other if there's ever a potential misunderstanding. Like I said, “When in doubt, check it out-please!”

3. There have been a few painful blow-ups here when some SMOMS feel they have a duty to "tell their truths" directly to another SMOM in a blunt, direct manner. This is NOT an OK approach here are SMOMS.org. When anger, the need to judge another as bad or wrong or the desire to "hit em with the truth as you see it" arises, this is very telling (and sad) about the ways you were taught as a child. All the anger that you are feeling deserves YOUR loving attention (instead of directing it out to another) and yet for many, the only pathway for expressing anger is at others.

This is a common, well-worn path for many and it’s just NOT OK here are SMOMS.org. If you ever feel angry at another SMOM or like you need to shake up a SMOM to "get her" to see or do something...please stop yourself and ask yourself, "Hey, what's going on here? What's this situation bringing up for me?" There are often lots of golden insights FOR YOU if you're willing to honor that anger and be curious about your own feelings.

4. There is being truthful (and it's relative to everyone) and then there's being honest. Honest sharing is AOK here. Not every agrees with my opinion on this. I believe that the difference between telling the truth and being honest is critical here. I believe telling the truth is sharing the facts as you see them with the belief it's the only way to see it. On the other hand, I believe that being honest is sharing the facts in a way that takes the other person's feelings into consideration as the most important goal/intention of the sharing. Like EvilStepmother says, we can always find a way to communicate with respect and compassion IF that's the goal. I hope that is every SMOMS’ goal.

5. I've found that people can often hear things when they are told a personal story. Like Rose and a couple of others mentioned in the original thread, sharing a story of, "When this happened to me I felt, a,b c and did x,y & Z and here's what happened” is a terrific way to relay insight, experience and wisdom for another SMOM to consider.

We all learn at different rates and in different ways. In 12 years of doing this, I can't ever remember anyone ever being offended because a sister SMOM shared her story with the intention of offering whatever value might apply to anyone reading it. This kind of sharing does require a deeper level of vulnerability, I get that and it's another reason we're now a private bulletin board.

6. It's also my experience and training that the more value and self-worth someone feels for themselves, the less they are likely to allow others to mistreat them. In "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz says that we never allow anyone to treat us worse than we treat ourselves." Boy reading that really blew me away. With this, I believe that the more we can help each other remember our own goodness, our truth, our value by giving each other lots of support, ideas and by posing questions that help us each see things in new ways, the more we're going to help sister SMOMS in crisis in priceless ways.

It was already mentioned that we all learn in our own time and ways. Being here, looking for and offering help, compassion, ideas and possibilities is a tremendous way to help empower each other so we can all feel strong and wise enough to face our own truths and to build up the genuine confidence that we can handle whatever we need to handle for our own highest good.

It's a good thing to discuss. Best Wishes to all, Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[How to handle it when it seems like SMOM being abused?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33906 Mon, 19 Nov 2012 23:40:07 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33906 BB Thread to Sample on general board

This is a topic that I felt might help give you an idea of how we try to support each other, even on very charged topics. Because this is from the private board, I’ve removed all SMOM screen names and will just use 1SMOM, 2SMOM, etc except for those I wrote.

Most women who find us have been through a lot of pain, fear, rage and are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I want everyone here to feel respected. I think you’ll see how hard members try to support each other as they have feelings of their own. Any questions about this and you can email me directly.

Title of this thread on Bulletin Board: Thoughts on post regarding abusive/seemingly abusive DH’s/BFs/Future Dear Husbands.

1SMOM Originally Wrote:

I guess I struggle with this and I'm wondering if others feel similarly. I often read posts here where women describe their men's behavior and it sounds at worst, abusive, but often just that the man is selfish/childish/uncaring. I can't help but want to tell these women they should leave, having been in an abusive relationship in the past. Most of the time mine was more on the selfish/emotionally disconnected/narcissistic side, with occasional bouts of verbal abuse when I got tired of it or to punish me for an imagined offense. I just can't read these stories and say nothing or just say, "oh, he's not very nice. I'm so sorry," or suggest counseling when the man clearly seems to have a long pattern of such behavior. I wasted too much of my life dealing with a narcissist. I can't stand watching others. So, what are others' thought on how to deal with this situation when reading women's stories on the board?

2SMOM Replies:
I know just what you mean. It is a difficult thing to offer advice to people you really don't know. But when the behaviors are clearly abusive I do my best to be honest about that. I would never want to be responsible for a marriage breaking up, but the flip side is I don't want to be an accomplice by silence if a woman is living with an abusive situation.

3SMOM Replies:
Ok I'm going to say this as a general statement and not to or about any one person on board, but you are right in being sensitive to other situations when you've been there, are on the outside, and can clearly see red flags they might not (being they are too close to the situation). There are many reason people get divorced and not all our SO are wonderful, loving, caring men who were taken advantage of and/or cheated on my the BM. My bet is some BMs left their husbands due some sort of abuse. And the reason those BMs are still hostile is because its their way is dealing the the years of abuse and pain they endured. Every relationship is different and everyone works through their pain in different ways.

It's extremely hard to keep quite when seeing what's posted is clear as day (because you've lived it). But there's one thing I learned from my experience, (except how to see red flags) and that is its really hard to get through to someone in that situation and make them see the light. I myself was blind for years until I finally walked away. Then everything everyone on the outside saw and disclosed to me, after the fact, suddenly made sense and it was things they had been trying to tell me for years without success. So I guess 90% of the time I keep quiet because I know what I say will be either challenged, or ignored. Some times people just need to figure it out on their own and get the strength to leave a hopeless situation.

4SMOM Replies:
I guess it will depends on whether or not they believe the person may have underlying emotional/medical problems causing the issues. There are times where it may be a mental illness that may not be diagnosed and the individual can be helped rather than just left. If my father put into words how my mother was years ago she should would have sounded like a verbally and emotionally abusive woman, which she was, for many, many years. I guess, based on some opinions, maybe instead of seeking help then he should have just left her because she wasn't very nice. He loved her and instead sought help for her and she was diagnosed as a clinically depressed (which in the early 80's was not as socially accepted as it is now) and she was put on medications and she became a completely different person. Fast forward 20+ years and many medication alterations later and she thanks God every day he didn't leave her and she knows she was not a nice person back then because she was sick. When my father suffered a stroke this summer, three days later went into heart failure, followed by triple bypass surgery 6 weeks after that the individual that was the glue that held the family together was the woman that (maybe?) he should have left. She was at his bedside caring for him, helping support their four children and many grandchildren through their emotional devastation of seeing the strongest most caring man they know fight for his life and did she everything imaginable to make sure he was healthy and well enough to come home and took care of him (including bathing, toileting, etc) until he could care for himself.

Often we may only hear about the "bad" and not hear about the good. We only get a tiny window into their lives. I think that every person deserves the chance to be redeemed - not that everyone can - but if there is a chance that getting them help can do that then they should be given the chance. That is why I try to say seek counseling because what we will hear from individuals will often be only a fraction of what is going on in their lives and an entire picture should be seen. Maybe the partner can be helped and maybe not - but since I can't see the entire picture I cannot make that judgement, nor should I as I am not a professional.

And I also try to remember that if you are only described at your worst do you think that you'd be likable? Because that is a lot of what we hear - the worst.

1SMOM writes Again:
I agree with you guys. It is often difficult to see it when you're in the middle of it. It is very difficult and takes time to leave. I also agree that we only see what is presented here, which is the story as told by the SM writing and may only be part of the entire story. Finding, that your mom accepted help is wonderful and it's an inspiration. My ex would not accept that kind of help.

4SMOM writes back to 1SMOM:
Nor would mine. I am glad that those of us that have survived abuse found our way clear. I didn't tell anyone about what was happening to me. It wasn't until it was witnessed and help was called before I started to see how bad it was. It still took time for me to finally leave. I hope that in cases of truly bad relationships this board is the first step for some to maybe start seeing. By sharing they may actually "hear" that partners are not suppose to be like that and they will get help with counseling or medically for their partner. And if the partner refuses then for themselves so they can maybe see more clearly for themselves.

Yep, there's that eternal optimist in me rearing her head. Lol.

5SMOM replies:
I believe we can share our experiences. I would not tell the Smom what to do nor tell her what my diagnosis is. i.e. I wouldn't say "Your husband is an abuser." I'd say "My ExH used to do similar things and I began to realize it was an unhealthy pattern. or ... and a therapist helped me see that it was actually emotional abuse and was damaging to my health." Blah blah.

You can say her post triggered some red flags in you because of your past situation and indicate how the patterns got worse... it'll open her eyes to the possible patterns that are developing or may develop.

Know what I mean? - we cannot push anyone but we can describe our similar situations and then tell what actions we took. It'll plant the seed until the woman can actually see the truth. She'll be more likely to see similarities in our stories than if I just identify her problem and tell her what to do - then the door will close and she won't hear anything else I have to say.

I usually encourage therapy because we are not doctors/therapists (most of us anyway) but a therapist will help her identify the abuse better than we can. If it's just a man being a baby then the therapy will help straighten that out - if it's more then a different action will be suggested.

I might also go send her a PM in private and explain a little more about my similar situation and just offer to talk that way. Then you can share on a deeper level. Or follow up later by PM and just ask how she's doing... get to the deeper level that way.

6SMOM Replies:
I think its hard to judge a person by hearing another person complain about them. I think especially on a board like this where I may be ticked at my sd, my anger also runs over to my husband (who works his butt off for us, who tries to give me everything he THINKS I want, who when I texted him last night to say thank you for everything he's done for me lately--which has been ALOT--replied with "its all because of you so thank YOU") who sometimes I still want to hit him with a frying pan and I complain about on here. When I'm complaining you don't hear all the good stuff, you only hear what he HASN"T done right. It could easily make him sound lazy, uncaring or maybe even abusive. But that's because you're only judging him on what I've complained about. There have been a few posters whose DH's/So's have TRUELY concerned me, but when someone sounds uncaring or lazy or selfish, I remember I only have one side of the story and I've never actually met the person I'm judging.

7SMOM Replies:
i agree with 6SMOM on this one.
i think we are only showing one side of an angry worn out woman who at the moment cannot stand the thought of her DH.. so yeah she will make him sound like the worse possible person, because it justifies her feelings and subsequent actions.

again, this is not to say that sometimes there aren't things to be concerned about in certain posts, for sure there has been! but we have be careful to look at comments or posts for what they worth and remember that we can't jump to "abuse" everytime a DH is being a douche bag... all it will do it makes all of us here less likely to open up for fear of having our DH labeled as an abuser.

the point is open communication and helping out others... i don't think we need to use these labels all the time.. and i don't think that they are helpful anyway... you can tell someone that her DH is not treating her well... and that she would be better on her own... but no need to scare people off either.

i too was with an abusive man in my past, and i know it's hard not to see myself in other women, because the situation is different than mine... but it's not fair for me to see my ex in every man either...

Cathryn Bond Doyle writes:
Hi Ladies, I'd like to weigh in on this important thread.

We're mostly a site for women in emotional crisis of some degree and you and I are also here to support each other.
So many come here are feeling overwhelmed, isolated, judged and exhausted.

I truly believe that being in the role of stepmom is a tremendous opportunity for personal growth, healing and transformation AND many of those things are not possible when we're at the end of our emotional rope and needing and looking for some connection, some TLC, some compassion and some hope that there's something...anything... we can do to keep our hope alive and the loving connection with our Beloved in tact.

My coach Kit used to say, "Help isn't help unless perceived so by the recipient." He said that to me in 1984 and I still have to remind myself of that every once in awhile. Here at SMOMS we work hard to help and be helped as much as we can and that ability varies from hour to hour sometimes, doesn't it?

I'd like to encourage you all to consider a couple of things when you read a post and feel the urge to reply. These are things that I feel are important and helpful. Doesn't make them right or true, it's just my opinion, please receive it as you will:

1. Witnessing and acknowledging the feelings of another is ALWAYS helpful to that person. Being seen, heard or read and replied to is a human gift we can all give each other. In my experience harm is never done in this process. Just figuratively holding someone's hand and saying, "I know this is hard" to me, is not endorsing or supporting anything, it is just giving a much needed human gift.

2. We can have "red flag" reactions to things for 3 main reasons. There are ways to offer help and honor your urge to reply when you can offer an observation for her to consider because, A. you're objective, you can see something she's just missing because she's too entangled in her world. B. You've lived through it and although you want to shout "Wake up, save yourself sooner and with less pain than I did!" You can resist and share your story or C. there's something about what you're reading that's still unconscious, not-yet-understood and/or just too close to your world that you see more and be wiser in her situation than in your own situation. Sharing your opinion with her in this case, often gives you some emotional breathing room.

So, sharing whatever you observe from your own experience, from any of these perspectives give a sister SMOM a chance to reflect without having to agree, defend, comment or even like whatever you say. Your observations and sharings are gifts when offered with this intention. Make Sense? Somehow we can sense if the ideas are offered with this loving compassionate intention and it's a wonderful feeling to be a recipient of this act of kindness, even if we don't act on or agree with whatever the woman wrote. Why? Because it's womanhood at it's best, in my view. Women giving each other the best of their strong lovingkindness and then easily letting go of the results or interpretations of this gift.

However, if the advice is given from the conscious or unconscious and usually unspoken perspective of "I know what you should do (for whatever reason or training or personal experience) and I believe that if you don't do as I suggest, that you're bad or wrong or unwilling to face the truth, etc," It can hurt, offend, anger or scare the person because it's a non-verbal feeling that's transmitted with the words. Sometimes the recipient may be sensitive about something and may misinterpret someone as telling them what to do, or judging them (who likes that ever) even when that is NOT the intention of the reply. That's upsetting to both parties and requires some follow-up. This is why I encourage anyone feeling that they are being harshly judged or criticized, to "push back" and ask, "Is this what you're saying? x,y,z,?"

I believe we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and a LOT of slack as many are being stretched so thin emotionally, many for years and years. SMOMS.org is always going to work to be a safe place for women to help and be helped and yet we can still all practice the extra patience and curiosity that we'd like to receive from each other if there's ever a potential misunderstanding.

3. There have been a few painful blow-ups here when some SMOMS feel they have a duty to "tell their truths" directly to another SMOM in a blunt manner. This is NOT an OK approach here are SMOMS.org. When anger, the need to judge another as bad or wrong or the desire to "hit em with the truth as you see it" arises, this is very telling (and sad) about the ways you were taught as a child. All that anger deserves YOUR loving attention and yet for many, the only pathway for expressing anger is at others. This is a common, well-worn path and it is NOT OK here are SMOMS.org. If you ever feel angry or like you need to shake up a smom to "get her" to see or do something...please stop yourself and ask yourself, "Hey, what's going on here? What's this situation bringing up for me?" Lots of golden insights if you're willing to honor that anger and by curious.

There is truth (and it's relative to everyone) and then there's being honest. Honest sharing is AOK here. Not every agrees with my opinion on this. I believe that the difference between telling the truth and being honest is critical here. I believe telling the truth is sharing the facts as you see them with the belief it's the only way to see it. On the other hand, I believe that being honest is sharing the facts in a way that takes the other person's feelings into consideration as the most important goal/intention of the sharing. Like EvilStepmother says, we can always find a way to communicate with respect and compassion IF that's the goal. I hope that is every SMOMS goal.

4. I've found that people can often hear things when they are told a personal story. Like Rose and a couple of others mentioned, sharing a story of, "When this happened to me I felt, a,b c and did x,y & Z and here's what happened. We all learn at different rates and in different ways. In 12 years of doing this, I can't ever remember anyone ever being offended because a sister SMOM shared her story with the intention of offering whatever value might apply to anyone reading it. This kind of sharing does require a deeper level of vulnerability, I get that and it's another reason we're now a private bulletin board.

5. It's my experience and training that that more value someone feels for themselves, the less they are likely to allow others to mistreat them. In "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz says that we never allow anyone to treat us worse than we treat ourselves." Boy reading that really blew me away. With this, I believe that the more we can help each other remember our own goodness, our truth, our value by giving each other lots of support, ideas and posing questions that help us each see things in new ways, the more we're going to help sister SMOMS in crisis in priceless ways. It was already mentioned that we all learn in our own time and ways. Being here, looking for and offering help, compassion, ideas and possibilities is a tremendous way to help empower each other so we can all feel strong and wise enough to face our own truths and to build up the genuine confidence that we can handle whatever we need to handle for our own highest good.

Thanks for the post. It's a good thing to discuss. Best Wishes to all, Cathryn

5SMOM writes again:
I have an interesting story that 7SMOM's post brought to mind.

I had fallen while running on a wooded path. My face received the brunt of the fall and my upper lip was scraped up with roadrash and was swollen. The rest of my face was fine.

I was at a gathering of women and they'd asked me what happened and I explained. Then I mentioned that I wonder if general people, like at the supermarket, think I've been hit by my husband.

One of the women jumped on that and said she'd been in an abusive relationship and had hid similar bruises behind similar stories to mine. She was looking at me like I really had been hit and really was covering up.

She then proceeded to say "oh, and look - you have a black eye." No... I didn't - a friend said "that's just the lighting."

She then proceeded to say "oh but your cheek is all bruised and sore." No... it wasn't. my friend said "thats her blush."

Even in person, not behind a website, people will see or read what they want to... Our posts trigger extreme emotion sometimes which can cause us to project what we know onto the other person.

And to this day I worry when I'm applying blush if I'm just making my cheeks look bruised! hahaha

4SMOM writes again in reply to above post:

I, too, have had a similar experience 5SMOM. Now, as a woman who had been in an abusive relationship, I had my share of hiding bruises and making up stories. Now I am with a wonderful man that would sooner die than lay a hand on me. But last year (two days before we were going on a vacation that would include swim suits) I had celebrated my birthday a little to vigorously with my sisters and tripped over my one sister's feet, lost my footing and fell into a wall and received a MONSTER bruise on most of my upper arm - and I have fairly pale skin - especially in the winter. A totally ridiculous, made up sounding story but completely true!!! Well, I couldn't very well "hide" it in a swimsuit and I wasn't going to wear a long sleeve shirt around the pool. There was a gentleman that my FDH and I started talking to and when my FDH had stepped away for a moment the gentleman said that it was a heck of a bruise and so I explained what happened. Self inflicted, yadda yadda, too much birthday fun, yadda yadda. He responded with "well it looks like one of those 'I fell down the stairs bruises'." I assured him it wasn't and he still looked worried. So I put it fairly bluntly and said "No, that was my last relationship, the man you see here wouldn't conceive of putting a finger on a woman." And I moved onto a different conversation. Just after that, while at a market, I actually had an elderly man come up to me and start making innocent conversation with me about the avocados I was putting in my basket. Then he makes a very gentle remark about my bruise and I explained that it truly was self-inflicted and he looks at me with such pity an his eyes and says, "You are such a sweetheart and you truly are too beautiful to have to have that in your life." I reassured him that I would not allow such a thing to happen and thanked him for his concern.

The hardest part for me was the fact that I had people looking at my wonderful, loving, adoring FDH and believing he did that to me. That hurt more than the bruise itself!

So you are right, personal perceptions - right or wrong - will happen in person as well as online.

1SMOM reads all and replies:

Very Good Points.]]> BB Thread to Sample on general board

This is a topic that I felt might help give you an idea of how we try to support each other, even on very charged topics. Because this is from the private board, I’ve removed all SMOM screen names and will just use 1SMOM, 2SMOM, etc except for those I wrote.

Most women who find us have been through a lot of pain, fear, rage and are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I want everyone here to feel respected. I think you’ll see how hard members try to support each other as they have feelings of their own. Any questions about this and you can email me directly.

Title of this thread on Bulletin Board: Thoughts on post regarding abusive/seemingly abusive DH’s/BFs/Future Dear Husbands.

1SMOM Originally Wrote:

I guess I struggle with this and I'm wondering if others feel similarly. I often read posts here where women describe their men's behavior and it sounds at worst, abusive, but often just that the man is selfish/childish/uncaring. I can't help but want to tell these women they should leave, having been in an abusive relationship in the past. Most of the time mine was more on the selfish/emotionally disconnected/narcissistic side, with occasional bouts of verbal abuse when I got tired of it or to punish me for an imagined offense. I just can't read these stories and say nothing or just say, "oh, he's not very nice. I'm so sorry," or suggest counseling when the man clearly seems to have a long pattern of such behavior. I wasted too much of my life dealing with a narcissist. I can't stand watching others. So, what are others' thought on how to deal with this situation when reading women's stories on the board?

2SMOM Replies:
I know just what you mean. It is a difficult thing to offer advice to people you really don't know. But when the behaviors are clearly abusive I do my best to be honest about that. I would never want to be responsible for a marriage breaking up, but the flip side is I don't want to be an accomplice by silence if a woman is living with an abusive situation.

3SMOM Replies:
Ok I'm going to say this as a general statement and not to or about any one person on board, but you are right in being sensitive to other situations when you've been there, are on the outside, and can clearly see red flags they might not (being they are too close to the situation). There are many reason people get divorced and not all our SO are wonderful, loving, caring men who were taken advantage of and/or cheated on my the BM. My bet is some BMs left their husbands due some sort of abuse. And the reason those BMs are still hostile is because its their way is dealing the the years of abuse and pain they endured. Every relationship is different and everyone works through their pain in different ways.

It's extremely hard to keep quite when seeing what's posted is clear as day (because you've lived it). But there's one thing I learned from my experience, (except how to see red flags) and that is its really hard to get through to someone in that situation and make them see the light. I myself was blind for years until I finally walked away. Then everything everyone on the outside saw and disclosed to me, after the fact, suddenly made sense and it was things they had been trying to tell me for years without success. So I guess 90% of the time I keep quiet because I know what I say will be either challenged, or ignored. Some times people just need to figure it out on their own and get the strength to leave a hopeless situation.

4SMOM Replies:
I guess it will depends on whether or not they believe the person may have underlying emotional/medical problems causing the issues. There are times where it may be a mental illness that may not be diagnosed and the individual can be helped rather than just left. If my father put into words how my mother was years ago she should would have sounded like a verbally and emotionally abusive woman, which she was, for many, many years. I guess, based on some opinions, maybe instead of seeking help then he should have just left her because she wasn't very nice. He loved her and instead sought help for her and she was diagnosed as a clinically depressed (which in the early 80's was not as socially accepted as it is now) and she was put on medications and she became a completely different person. Fast forward 20+ years and many medication alterations later and she thanks God every day he didn't leave her and she knows she was not a nice person back then because she was sick. When my father suffered a stroke this summer, three days later went into heart failure, followed by triple bypass surgery 6 weeks after that the individual that was the glue that held the family together was the woman that (maybe?) he should have left. She was at his bedside caring for him, helping support their four children and many grandchildren through their emotional devastation of seeing the strongest most caring man they know fight for his life and did she everything imaginable to make sure he was healthy and well enough to come home and took care of him (including bathing, toileting, etc) until he could care for himself.

Often we may only hear about the "bad" and not hear about the good. We only get a tiny window into their lives. I think that every person deserves the chance to be redeemed - not that everyone can - but if there is a chance that getting them help can do that then they should be given the chance. That is why I try to say seek counseling because what we will hear from individuals will often be only a fraction of what is going on in their lives and an entire picture should be seen. Maybe the partner can be helped and maybe not - but since I can't see the entire picture I cannot make that judgement, nor should I as I am not a professional.

And I also try to remember that if you are only described at your worst do you think that you'd be likable? Because that is a lot of what we hear - the worst.

1SMOM writes Again:
I agree with you guys. It is often difficult to see it when you're in the middle of it. It is very difficult and takes time to leave. I also agree that we only see what is presented here, which is the story as told by the SM writing and may only be part of the entire story. Finding, that your mom accepted help is wonderful and it's an inspiration. My ex would not accept that kind of help.

4SMOM writes back to 1SMOM:
Nor would mine. I am glad that those of us that have survived abuse found our way clear. I didn't tell anyone about what was happening to me. It wasn't until it was witnessed and help was called before I started to see how bad it was. It still took time for me to finally leave. I hope that in cases of truly bad relationships this board is the first step for some to maybe start seeing. By sharing they may actually "hear" that partners are not suppose to be like that and they will get help with counseling or medically for their partner. And if the partner refuses then for themselves so they can maybe see more clearly for themselves.

Yep, there's that eternal optimist in me rearing her head. Lol.

5SMOM replies:
I believe we can share our experiences. I would not tell the Smom what to do nor tell her what my diagnosis is. i.e. I wouldn't say "Your husband is an abuser." I'd say "My ExH used to do similar things and I began to realize it was an unhealthy pattern. or ... and a therapist helped me see that it was actually emotional abuse and was damaging to my health." Blah blah.

You can say her post triggered some red flags in you because of your past situation and indicate how the patterns got worse... it'll open her eyes to the possible patterns that are developing or may develop.

Know what I mean? - we cannot push anyone but we can describe our similar situations and then tell what actions we took. It'll plant the seed until the woman can actually see the truth. She'll be more likely to see similarities in our stories than if I just identify her problem and tell her what to do - then the door will close and she won't hear anything else I have to say.

I usually encourage therapy because we are not doctors/therapists (most of us anyway) but a therapist will help her identify the abuse better than we can. If it's just a man being a baby then the therapy will help straighten that out - if it's more then a different action will be suggested.

I might also go send her a PM in private and explain a little more about my similar situation and just offer to talk that way. Then you can share on a deeper level. Or follow up later by PM and just ask how she's doing... get to the deeper level that way.

6SMOM Replies:
I think its hard to judge a person by hearing another person complain about them. I think especially on a board like this where I may be ticked at my sd, my anger also runs over to my husband (who works his butt off for us, who tries to give me everything he THINKS I want, who when I texted him last night to say thank you for everything he's done for me lately--which has been ALOT--replied with "its all because of you so thank YOU") who sometimes I still want to hit him with a frying pan and I complain about on here. When I'm complaining you don't hear all the good stuff, you only hear what he HASN"T done right. It could easily make him sound lazy, uncaring or maybe even abusive. But that's because you're only judging him on what I've complained about. There have been a few posters whose DH's/So's have TRUELY concerned me, but when someone sounds uncaring or lazy or selfish, I remember I only have one side of the story and I've never actually met the person I'm judging.

7SMOM Replies:
i agree with 6SMOM on this one.
i think we are only showing one side of an angry worn out woman who at the moment cannot stand the thought of her DH.. so yeah she will make him sound like the worse possible person, because it justifies her feelings and subsequent actions.

again, this is not to say that sometimes there aren't things to be concerned about in certain posts, for sure there has been! but we have be careful to look at comments or posts for what they worth and remember that we can't jump to "abuse" everytime a DH is being a douche bag... all it will do it makes all of us here less likely to open up for fear of having our DH labeled as an abuser.

the point is open communication and helping out others... i don't think we need to use these labels all the time.. and i don't think that they are helpful anyway... you can tell someone that her DH is not treating her well... and that she would be better on her own... but no need to scare people off either.

i too was with an abusive man in my past, and i know it's hard not to see myself in other women, because the situation is different than mine... but it's not fair for me to see my ex in every man either...

Cathryn Bond Doyle writes:
Hi Ladies, I'd like to weigh in on this important thread.

We're mostly a site for women in emotional crisis of some degree and you and I are also here to support each other.
So many come here are feeling overwhelmed, isolated, judged and exhausted.

I truly believe that being in the role of stepmom is a tremendous opportunity for personal growth, healing and transformation AND many of those things are not possible when we're at the end of our emotional rope and needing and looking for some connection, some TLC, some compassion and some hope that there's something...anything... we can do to keep our hope alive and the loving connection with our Beloved in tact.

My coach Kit used to say, "Help isn't help unless perceived so by the recipient." He said that to me in 1984 and I still have to remind myself of that every once in awhile. Here at SMOMS we work hard to help and be helped as much as we can and that ability varies from hour to hour sometimes, doesn't it?

I'd like to encourage you all to consider a couple of things when you read a post and feel the urge to reply. These are things that I feel are important and helpful. Doesn't make them right or true, it's just my opinion, please receive it as you will:

1. Witnessing and acknowledging the feelings of another is ALWAYS helpful to that person. Being seen, heard or read and replied to is a human gift we can all give each other. In my experience harm is never done in this process. Just figuratively holding someone's hand and saying, "I know this is hard" to me, is not endorsing or supporting anything, it is just giving a much needed human gift.

2. We can have "red flag" reactions to things for 3 main reasons. There are ways to offer help and honor your urge to reply when you can offer an observation for her to consider because, A. you're objective, you can see something she's just missing because she's too entangled in her world. B. You've lived through it and although you want to shout "Wake up, save yourself sooner and with less pain than I did!" You can resist and share your story or C. there's something about what you're reading that's still unconscious, not-yet-understood and/or just too close to your world that you see more and be wiser in her situation than in your own situation. Sharing your opinion with her in this case, often gives you some emotional breathing room.

So, sharing whatever you observe from your own experience, from any of these perspectives give a sister SMOM a chance to reflect without having to agree, defend, comment or even like whatever you say. Your observations and sharings are gifts when offered with this intention. Make Sense? Somehow we can sense if the ideas are offered with this loving compassionate intention and it's a wonderful feeling to be a recipient of this act of kindness, even if we don't act on or agree with whatever the woman wrote. Why? Because it's womanhood at it's best, in my view. Women giving each other the best of their strong lovingkindness and then easily letting go of the results or interpretations of this gift.

However, if the advice is given from the conscious or unconscious and usually unspoken perspective of "I know what you should do (for whatever reason or training or personal experience) and I believe that if you don't do as I suggest, that you're bad or wrong or unwilling to face the truth, etc," It can hurt, offend, anger or scare the person because it's a non-verbal feeling that's transmitted with the words. Sometimes the recipient may be sensitive about something and may misinterpret someone as telling them what to do, or judging them (who likes that ever) even when that is NOT the intention of the reply. That's upsetting to both parties and requires some follow-up. This is why I encourage anyone feeling that they are being harshly judged or criticized, to "push back" and ask, "Is this what you're saying? x,y,z,?"

I believe we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and a LOT of slack as many are being stretched so thin emotionally, many for years and years. SMOMS.org is always going to work to be a safe place for women to help and be helped and yet we can still all practice the extra patience and curiosity that we'd like to receive from each other if there's ever a potential misunderstanding.

3. There have been a few painful blow-ups here when some SMOMS feel they have a duty to "tell their truths" directly to another SMOM in a blunt manner. This is NOT an OK approach here are SMOMS.org. When anger, the need to judge another as bad or wrong or the desire to "hit em with the truth as you see it" arises, this is very telling (and sad) about the ways you were taught as a child. All that anger deserves YOUR loving attention and yet for many, the only pathway for expressing anger is at others. This is a common, well-worn path and it is NOT OK here are SMOMS.org. If you ever feel angry or like you need to shake up a smom to "get her" to see or do something...please stop yourself and ask yourself, "Hey, what's going on here? What's this situation bringing up for me?" Lots of golden insights if you're willing to honor that anger and by curious.

There is truth (and it's relative to everyone) and then there's being honest. Honest sharing is AOK here. Not every agrees with my opinion on this. I believe that the difference between telling the truth and being honest is critical here. I believe telling the truth is sharing the facts as you see them with the belief it's the only way to see it. On the other hand, I believe that being honest is sharing the facts in a way that takes the other person's feelings into consideration as the most important goal/intention of the sharing. Like EvilStepmother says, we can always find a way to communicate with respect and compassion IF that's the goal. I hope that is every SMOMS goal.

4. I've found that people can often hear things when they are told a personal story. Like Rose and a couple of others mentioned, sharing a story of, "When this happened to me I felt, a,b c and did x,y & Z and here's what happened. We all learn at different rates and in different ways. In 12 years of doing this, I can't ever remember anyone ever being offended because a sister SMOM shared her story with the intention of offering whatever value might apply to anyone reading it. This kind of sharing does require a deeper level of vulnerability, I get that and it's another reason we're now a private bulletin board.

5. It's my experience and training that that more value someone feels for themselves, the less they are likely to allow others to mistreat them. In "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz says that we never allow anyone to treat us worse than we treat ourselves." Boy reading that really blew me away. With this, I believe that the more we can help each other remember our own goodness, our truth, our value by giving each other lots of support, ideas and posing questions that help us each see things in new ways, the more we're going to help sister SMOMS in crisis in priceless ways. It was already mentioned that we all learn in our own time and ways. Being here, looking for and offering help, compassion, ideas and possibilities is a tremendous way to help empower each other so we can all feel strong and wise enough to face our own truths and to build up the genuine confidence that we can handle whatever we need to handle for our own highest good.

Thanks for the post. It's a good thing to discuss. Best Wishes to all, Cathryn

5SMOM writes again:
I have an interesting story that 7SMOM's post brought to mind.

I had fallen while running on a wooded path. My face received the brunt of the fall and my upper lip was scraped up with roadrash and was swollen. The rest of my face was fine.

I was at a gathering of women and they'd asked me what happened and I explained. Then I mentioned that I wonder if general people, like at the supermarket, think I've been hit by my husband.

One of the women jumped on that and said she'd been in an abusive relationship and had hid similar bruises behind similar stories to mine. She was looking at me like I really had been hit and really was covering up.

She then proceeded to say "oh, and look - you have a black eye." No... I didn't - a friend said "that's just the lighting."

She then proceeded to say "oh but your cheek is all bruised and sore." No... it wasn't. my friend said "thats her blush."

Even in person, not behind a website, people will see or read what they want to... Our posts trigger extreme emotion sometimes which can cause us to project what we know onto the other person.

And to this day I worry when I'm applying blush if I'm just making my cheeks look bruised! hahaha

4SMOM writes again in reply to above post:

I, too, have had a similar experience 5SMOM. Now, as a woman who had been in an abusive relationship, I had my share of hiding bruises and making up stories. Now I am with a wonderful man that would sooner die than lay a hand on me. But last year (two days before we were going on a vacation that would include swim suits) I had celebrated my birthday a little to vigorously with my sisters and tripped over my one sister's feet, lost my footing and fell into a wall and received a MONSTER bruise on most of my upper arm - and I have fairly pale skin - especially in the winter. A totally ridiculous, made up sounding story but completely true!!! Well, I couldn't very well "hide" it in a swimsuit and I wasn't going to wear a long sleeve shirt around the pool. There was a gentleman that my FDH and I started talking to and when my FDH had stepped away for a moment the gentleman said that it was a heck of a bruise and so I explained what happened. Self inflicted, yadda yadda, too much birthday fun, yadda yadda. He responded with "well it looks like one of those 'I fell down the stairs bruises'." I assured him it wasn't and he still looked worried. So I put it fairly bluntly and said "No, that was my last relationship, the man you see here wouldn't conceive of putting a finger on a woman." And I moved onto a different conversation. Just after that, while at a market, I actually had an elderly man come up to me and start making innocent conversation with me about the avocados I was putting in my basket. Then he makes a very gentle remark about my bruise and I explained that it truly was self-inflicted and he looks at me with such pity an his eyes and says, "You are such a sweetheart and you truly are too beautiful to have to have that in your life." I reassured him that I would not allow such a thing to happen and thanked him for his concern.

The hardest part for me was the fact that I had people looking at my wonderful, loving, adoring FDH and believing he did that to me. That hurt more than the bruise itself!

So you are right, personal perceptions - right or wrong - will happen in person as well as online.

1SMOM reads all and replies:

Very Good Points.]]> <![CDATA[What do you do for YOU? (From general BB)]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33659 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 22:49:09 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33659 What do you do for YOU?
Originally posted by MissMo on General BB on 5.25.12

Members, please feel free to reply here and to add your list to this thread.
The more ideas, the better. CBD

MissMO starts this thread and Writes:

Hi Ladies!

What are some things that you do for yourself? Things that you do to make you a better you? Things that help you to stay that beautiful, happy, outgoing, carefree woman that your DH fell in love with? Or what are some things that can help you become that woman again? Things that help you maintain your sanity? Things that you do just because you enjoy them?

Here's my list:
1. My personal daily devotions to help my faith to stay strong.
2. Starting a daily workout plan. I've gained weight and do not have as much energy as I used to. Excercise creates endorphins that help to make us happy. I just started this, but I plan to stick to it.
3. Seeking therapy for myself. Therapy has really been a lifesaver for me. DH will be joining me for the next session. I believe this will help us a lot. (Therapist recommended I take a vitamin called sam-E for mood support, so doing that too.)
4. Reading books related to the issues I am dealing with.
5. Writing in my journal and taking notes when at church or listening to a lecture on things that really touch on what is going on in my life. Things that encourage me and instruct me on how to do better.
6. Spend time with good friends who I can talk to and be open with. People who will not judge me, but will be a shoulder to cry on. People that I can also encourage and be a strength too. We help each other. (also connecting to this group.)
7. I joined the choir at church and have become involved in as much as I can. I love to sing and this is something that I can do that is ME. I find my identity in this... It is a feeling of what I used to be before I ever got married and had skids.
8. Decided to start eating healthier. I haven't started this yet, but I am going to.
9. I have created a "wish list" of things that I want to buy to help fix up our house. Things that I have always thought we couldn't afford. I am trying to buy at least one thing a month off of this list.
10. Buying myself some new clothes and starting to dress better and feel prettier. Again, I have put off buying clothes for myself because I feel like we can't afford it. But it's time I start doing things that make me feel good about me. Shopping will also give me a chance to break away from the skids on the weekends that we have them. Let DH and skids go do something while I shop and do my own thing.

Well, that is a list of about 10 things. Please share some of your own. I would love to get some more ideas and read about what you ladies do for yourselves. 

ORANGEUGLAD WRITES:
I like to paint my nails because 1. they look nice  and 2. I can't do ANYTHING until they dry lol!

I keep the house & my office stocked with a variety of hot tea.

I keep a nice supply of craft/art supplies and play with them when I have time.

After dinner, I excuse myself upstairs to exercise and have dh do the clean up (this is a new one!)

MissMO replies to OrangeUglad: You know, I have hot tea... chamomile for pm and lemon tea for am... I rarely think about drinking them. This is something that Rose mentioned too... I need to start drinking my tea.  Thanks!

POST OFFICE FACE WRITES:
* I started getting back to exercising too. I did a race and really want to do more and so I am working on building up my running. I feel better afterward usually, but when I am super stressed it is sometimes hard to stick too. But so far, so good.

* Yesterday I used the punching bag at the gym and now I think DH and I are going to get one for the house.

* I took a mental health day recently and just spent the day by myself - got stuff done in the morning and then went out to eat/to see a movie in the afternoon. It was great!! 

* I try to give myself some time to practice my guitar.

* I try to spend time with friends when I can.

* Trying to use negative to make a positive change within myself.

* Taking baths when I can. I used to be better about that one for awhile.

This is actually something I've been thinking about lately.

MissMO replies to Post Office Face: I love to listen to soft guitar music. I would love to learn to play. I bought my YSS a guitar for his birthday. I thought about learning myself too. I sometimes sit with it and just strum out whatever sounds good. i have no idea what I'm doing, but it is soothing. 

I love to take baths too. This is part of my nightly routine. After supper, I will sneak away into my bathroom and soak awhile while DH ands skids are going crazy! LOL I usually bring a good book with me.


MISSMO WRITES:
I have never been one to really exercise regularly... I've always been pretty thin and never really thought about it until recently because I am starting to just feel lethargic. I am gaining weight too, but that isn't my main concern. But since I've been doing my cardio workouts in the morning, I have noticed I feel so much better... And I think it is a way for me to really burn off some steam when I am upset.

You know when you get angry, you get this rush of adrenaline that pumps into your system (fight or flight). It makes me feel like I really don't know what to do. I want to scream and yell and punch something. I think I might start turning on my cardio app and just have a good workout instead! We will see how it goes. 

PLUM WORE OUT WRITES:
This is a timely thread! I needed to sit down and think about this.
- I recently joined a self-help group for an issue all my own (not related to dh or skids)
- I stopped trying to find a cheap hairstylist and just indulge myself with the whole experience every other month
- I stay in bed most mornings with my earplugs in until everyone is out the door. And I feel no guilt anymore!
Things I need to do for me:
- get back to a regular yoga routine
- make a point of having a girls only evening or afternoon once a week (nothing but males in my house)
- nurture my personal relationship with God
write! (two unfinished novels and a hundred short story ideas)

MissMO replies to Plum Wire Out:
Plum! You're a writer? How cool? Do you have anything published yet? I enjoy writing.... but am not disciplined enough to finish anything! Go you!!!

LJB82 WRITES:

- Have a Tuesday "date" night with my best friend.
- Take a personal day off work once every few months to just have the house to myself.
- Do all errands and shopping on my own.
Journal if things get really bad, but they haven't been in a long time.

MissMO replies to LJB82:I love this! It is so important to spend time with friends. I am glad you have put that into your regular routine. Taking a personal day off work once in awhile is a great idea! I have thought about doing this myself!  I also do my errands alone... It's chaos if I try to bring skids. Sometimes DH will come with, but I'd rather do alone too. I also journal. It is very therapeutic.

Thanks for sharing!!!

MISSMO ADDS:
Thanks Ladies! I love reading about what you like to do for yourself. I think it is important that we "pamper" ourselves on a regular basis. Taking care of our mental and emotional and spiritual wellbeing is important if we are to be good caretakers of our DH's and children. 

ROSE WRITES:
This is such a great idea!

- Every morning I drink my green tea on the front porch, read something inspiring, read scriptures and just meditate/pray/listen to the birds.
- I run quite regularly and lift weights at the gym 3x/week. I'm training for a marathon in November (Philly).
- I try to notice the beauty around me all the time.
- I memorize affirmations and repeat them throughout the day. My most recent one was "God fills my heart with love and forgiveness so that it spills out onto those around me."
- I walk every day at lunch and either meditate or talk to DH if he's free. Just to be outside in nature.
- I have ordered and read or will read almost every book recommended on this sight.
- I have started to journal at Cathryn's suggestion to help my inner Rose heal and to help me figure out exactly what it is that I'm feeling experiencing each day.
- I've started looking at the smaller picture instead of the big picture. I used to think I had to do a whole complete job or not at all. For example, I used to wait to weed my gardens until I had time to weed them all. haha. Now I can just do one garden at a time....
- I try very hard to stay away from sugar because I swing emotionally when I eat it - I'm much more balanced without sugar. (I already don't eat wheat or dairy due to food allergies.)
- I limit my diet coke to two a day. Again, b/c caffeine can set me off the deep end easily.
- I end the day with chamomile tea and reading inspirational material that reminds me to be kind to myself.
- then I do yoga and think about the reading of the evening.
- then I pray.
- then I pray with DH.

Thanks for this idea!
Warmly,
Rose

MissMO replies to Rose: Thanks, Rose, for sharing! Wow a marathon! What a great thing to do for yourself!  I think it is important that we find at least ONE thing that we can be apart of that is outside of our home that is just US. For me it is music... for you it is this marathon. Things like this help us to maintain our unique identity.

SALTYMOM WRITES:
I try to stay very independent - I think I always have been, but I still try to do a lot of my own without relying on others, that includes trying not to rely on other to make me happy.

I splurge on very few things, but I get my hair done every 3 months (color, foils, etc.). It makes me feel good, I love the new looks I get, and I always get a lot of compliments on it.

I have fitness classes that I now attend faithfully every Monday and Wednesday night. There is very little that will prevent me from going. Just the other week I chose to attend my class instead of going to watch SD's rugby game. I would have missed the first half anyway since it starts before I was done work, and I know there will be other games.

I LOVE to cook! I have to make all my own meals anyway due to allergies and other dietary restrictions, but I love trying new foods and incorporating them into my everyday meals. It;s funny because I used to be a really picker eater - not anymore!!

I love reading (I'm on the second book of the Hunger Games - love it!!) and I love sewing. Right now the sewing has taken a backseat to reading but I have so many projects I want to do. I often apologize to my BF for sewing so much and talking about all the different things I'm going to make, but he always says how much he loves it. He is happy that I have something that I'm so passionate about.

I, like LJB82, prefer doing all errands and shopping by myself. It's time alone to do things on my own, at my own pace.


You can probably tell I value my "alone time", or time to be able to do the hobbies and activities that I treasure. I would really like to find something that both my BF and I could do together on a regular basis. I bought a bike, and would like for him to get one too - but even then, I like taking those long bike rides to clear my head. I'm sure I'll think of something.

MissMO replies to SaltyMom:
SaltyMom, I'm like you. I really value my alone time.... I think that was one of the shocks of becomeing smom for me. All of a sudden, I wasn't my independant self living in my cute little apartment with all my own things. I couldn't do what I wanted when I wanted and only have myself to be concerned for. It was very much of a culture shock!

It is so good that you are holding onto all the things that you enjoy. I realized when I first got married, (actually before that when DH and I became serious), I started to let go of my passions. I didn't even know it was happening. Now, I am starting to pick up those things again.

Reading your post reminded me of something else that I love to do... scrapbooking and being creative and artsy. That is something that I have set aside too... and I really want to start doing it again. I need to carve out sometime that I can either get together with a friend or go somewhere alone and do it. If I try to do it at home, I will never have time.  Plus, if I leave the house, it will help me to have that self time that I really need. Thanks!!! 

POST OFFICE FACE WRITES TO MISSMO:
MissMO, you should learn guitar.  I had wanted to learn for awhile and we too got my YSS a guitar and he is learning how to play it. Then DH got me a guitar that's good for people with small hands (I had tried to play before but with issues) and a series for learning and I am just teaching myself. I really enjoy it - it's going a little slow because I don't practice every day, but I have made a lot of progress.

HAWAIISTEPMOM WRITES:
Great post MissMO

1. The number one thing I do that helps me is to focus on my faith (Prayer, reading scriptures, going to the temple, singing in the choir, etc). I ALWAYS feel better about myself and the world around me when I worship!

2. I started swimming a few weeks ago and I cant believe I didn't try it earlier. The University in my town has an Olympic size pool and provide the water belts and other fun tools to help. I can exercise without pain and it feels great to be weightless;P

3. MUSIC...I love to listen to certain types of music to lift my spirits or get me pumped up or make me feel like dancing!

4. Play with my puppy...my baby is my best friend and just gives so much unconditional love. That and she gets me out to walk with her which ALWAYS makes me feel better.

Lunch dates with my friends. At least once a month, I go to lunch with one or more of my girlfriends. We eat yummy food, talk story and laugh!

MissMO replies to Hawaiistepmom:
I have a puppy-baby too that is so precious to me. I think God gave us dogs to give us joy.  Ever since I've had my little girl, I get outside a little bit every day and even take a short walks around the block. A great stress reliever. And I laugh a lot too because she is just so cute and funny. Laughter is good medicine, you know! 

BUTRFLY462 WRITES:
I like to spend lots of time with my ds, just me and him, I watch my shows, I get mani/pedis, I get massages, and I do dinner with friends sometimes. I'd like to see my friends more and start working out, too. Just have to find the time!

MissMO replies to Butryfly462:

Spending time with your DS is very important! I know that you have concerns about your SD influencing your children, but the best and the strongest influence in a child's life is their mother. I think your babies are going to be fine, because they have you. 

CATHRYN WRITES:
Hi All, This is terrific thread. MissMO, I'd like to move it to "stick up" at the top for others to see. If you don't want it there, PM me and I will "unstick."

For me, quilting or time in quilt shops, on quilt sites, is color therapy for me when possible. I like the handwork and so far, all but one quilt (of 25) have been for others. Spending time with the colors (I have zero drawing or painting skills-zero so I need to use fabric) and imagining the person I'm making something for helps me get outside of myself and my own life situation.

I like being in nature, even if it means messing around with plants and bird feeders. Sadly I also have no green thumb either.
Daily meditation is a must for me.
I'm a big tea drinker myself. So many types to try and so good for us too, like others have said.

Looking forward to re-reading all your ideas and hearing more as well.
Thanks again MissMo. All the Best, Cathryn

Is there a yoga DVD that anyone can recommend to a beginner? I can't touch my palms to the floor so clearly I need to stretch.

MissMO replies to Cathryn:
Thanks Cathryn! That is fine! 

My MIL introduced me to quilting. I have sewed a few quilt tops and I reallly do enjoy it. It is very relaxing and fun to chose the colors and patterns. My first quilt was a birthday gift for my precious little nephew that lives way to far away from me. My sister sent me a picture the other day of him asleep with his quilt over him. Quilts are a very special way to let someone know you love them. 

Nature is one of my favorite things too! Even though I do not have a green thumb and cannot plant or take care of a garden! I still enjoy them. 

My grandma was visiting here with me for a few weeks and drinking tea together has always been something we've done since I was a little girl. It was nice to have her here and enjoy a few cups of tea like back then.

AGNES WRITES:
MissMO!!

I quilt... like ALOT! I work at a quilt shop, supports the habit. LOL! If anyone could give me how to post a picture I would be HAPPY to post a picture of my baby all laid out since tomorrow is my last class (although I don't think I'll have it done). I still have quilter's A-D-D from working at the shop but I do a little of everything. I machine piece, hand applique, hand embroidery, longarm quilting, dh recently got me a new "flight simulator" (sewing machine).

I cook too. I've been cooking my way thru Bon Appetit for 4-5 years now. Actually I quit the subscription but I have gotten a couple ... ok a few new cookbooks I love to cook out of.

I do photography although it has really gone by the wayside since I've been quilting so much but now that I have most of the major techniques under my belt, I'm slowing down some; being much more selective.

I do some hiking but easy trails as I'm not in the best shape. It's a shame to see the Mtn everyday & not take advantage of it. Weather is really only permitting a few months a year.

I also have done some gardening but again, the weather has been so bad the last few years I gave up having our own garden. Last year, we had snow in JUNE!

MissMo replies to Agnes:
Agnes, it sounds like you are a very creative person! I am glad that you are still very much involved in these things that you love... they help you stay YOU even in the midst of the blended familiy chaos!!!

I love to cook too! I enjoy making up my own little recipes. I never write them down though (my bad), so I forget sometimes what I did. LOL But I love it when I make something for my family that is my own invention and they love it!!! But I get my feelings hurt real easy too if they don't! hehe!

RACHJULIA WRITES:
I just got back from a relaxing weekend! DH is so awesome! He took care of 3 kiddos while i went to indio to go relax! Even though it was fathers day weekend!  Its really awesome when u can trust and feel absolutely worry free when you leave the fam behind, first time away from my BS1 though and not to mention DH buzzed his head when i was gone ugh! But i think that every mom deserves alone time with friends or whatever, we do everything for our husbands and kids!

MissMO replies to RachJulia:That is awesome!!! Way to GO DH! ]]> What do you do for YOU?
Originally posted by MissMo on General BB on 5.25.12

Members, please feel free to reply here and to add your list to this thread.
The more ideas, the better. CBD

MissMO starts this thread and Writes:

Hi Ladies!

What are some things that you do for yourself? Things that you do to make you a better you? Things that help you to stay that beautiful, happy, outgoing, carefree woman that your DH fell in love with? Or what are some things that can help you become that woman again? Things that help you maintain your sanity? Things that you do just because you enjoy them?

Here's my list:
1. My personal daily devotions to help my faith to stay strong.
2. Starting a daily workout plan. I've gained weight and do not have as much energy as I used to. Excercise creates endorphins that help to make us happy. I just started this, but I plan to stick to it.
3. Seeking therapy for myself. Therapy has really been a lifesaver for me. DH will be joining me for the next session. I believe this will help us a lot. (Therapist recommended I take a vitamin called sam-E for mood support, so doing that too.)
4. Reading books related to the issues I am dealing with.
5. Writing in my journal and taking notes when at church or listening to a lecture on things that really touch on what is going on in my life. Things that encourage me and instruct me on how to do better.
6. Spend time with good friends who I can talk to and be open with. People who will not judge me, but will be a shoulder to cry on. People that I can also encourage and be a strength too. We help each other. (also connecting to this group.)
7. I joined the choir at church and have become involved in as much as I can. I love to sing and this is something that I can do that is ME. I find my identity in this... It is a feeling of what I used to be before I ever got married and had skids.
8. Decided to start eating healthier. I haven't started this yet, but I am going to.
9. I have created a "wish list" of things that I want to buy to help fix up our house. Things that I have always thought we couldn't afford. I am trying to buy at least one thing a month off of this list.
10. Buying myself some new clothes and starting to dress better and feel prettier. Again, I have put off buying clothes for myself because I feel like we can't afford it. But it's time I start doing things that make me feel good about me. Shopping will also give me a chance to break away from the skids on the weekends that we have them. Let DH and skids go do something while I shop and do my own thing.

Well, that is a list of about 10 things. Please share some of your own. I would love to get some more ideas and read about what you ladies do for yourselves. 

ORANGEUGLAD WRITES:
I like to paint my nails because 1. they look nice  and 2. I can't do ANYTHING until they dry lol!

I keep the house & my office stocked with a variety of hot tea.

I keep a nice supply of craft/art supplies and play with them when I have time.

After dinner, I excuse myself upstairs to exercise and have dh do the clean up (this is a new one!)

MissMO replies to OrangeUglad: You know, I have hot tea... chamomile for pm and lemon tea for am... I rarely think about drinking them. This is something that Rose mentioned too... I need to start drinking my tea.  Thanks!

POST OFFICE FACE WRITES:
* I started getting back to exercising too. I did a race and really want to do more and so I am working on building up my running. I feel better afterward usually, but when I am super stressed it is sometimes hard to stick too. But so far, so good.

* Yesterday I used the punching bag at the gym and now I think DH and I are going to get one for the house.

* I took a mental health day recently and just spent the day by myself - got stuff done in the morning and then went out to eat/to see a movie in the afternoon. It was great!! 

* I try to give myself some time to practice my guitar.

* I try to spend time with friends when I can.

* Trying to use negative to make a positive change within myself.

* Taking baths when I can. I used to be better about that one for awhile.

This is actually something I've been thinking about lately.

MissMO replies to Post Office Face: I love to listen to soft guitar music. I would love to learn to play. I bought my YSS a guitar for his birthday. I thought about learning myself too. I sometimes sit with it and just strum out whatever sounds good. i have no idea what I'm doing, but it is soothing. 

I love to take baths too. This is part of my nightly routine. After supper, I will sneak away into my bathroom and soak awhile while DH ands skids are going crazy! LOL I usually bring a good book with me.


MISSMO WRITES:
I have never been one to really exercise regularly... I've always been pretty thin and never really thought about it until recently because I am starting to just feel lethargic. I am gaining weight too, but that isn't my main concern. But since I've been doing my cardio workouts in the morning, I have noticed I feel so much better... And I think it is a way for me to really burn off some steam when I am upset.

You know when you get angry, you get this rush of adrenaline that pumps into your system (fight or flight). It makes me feel like I really don't know what to do. I want to scream and yell and punch something. I think I might start turning on my cardio app and just have a good workout instead! We will see how it goes. 

PLUM WORE OUT WRITES:
This is a timely thread! I needed to sit down and think about this.
- I recently joined a self-help group for an issue all my own (not related to dh or skids)
- I stopped trying to find a cheap hairstylist and just indulge myself with the whole experience every other month
- I stay in bed most mornings with my earplugs in until everyone is out the door. And I feel no guilt anymore!
Things I need to do for me:
- get back to a regular yoga routine
- make a point of having a girls only evening or afternoon once a week (nothing but males in my house)
- nurture my personal relationship with God
write! (two unfinished novels and a hundred short story ideas)

MissMO replies to Plum Wire Out:
Plum! You're a writer? How cool? Do you have anything published yet? I enjoy writing.... but am not disciplined enough to finish anything! Go you!!!

LJB82 WRITES:

- Have a Tuesday "date" night with my best friend.
- Take a personal day off work once every few months to just have the house to myself.
- Do all errands and shopping on my own.
Journal if things get really bad, but they haven't been in a long time.

MissMO replies to LJB82:I love this! It is so important to spend time with friends. I am glad you have put that into your regular routine. Taking a personal day off work once in awhile is a great idea! I have thought about doing this myself!  I also do my errands alone... It's chaos if I try to bring skids. Sometimes DH will come with, but I'd rather do alone too. I also journal. It is very therapeutic.

Thanks for sharing!!!

MISSMO ADDS:
Thanks Ladies! I love reading about what you like to do for yourself. I think it is important that we "pamper" ourselves on a regular basis. Taking care of our mental and emotional and spiritual wellbeing is important if we are to be good caretakers of our DH's and children. 

ROSE WRITES:
This is such a great idea!

- Every morning I drink my green tea on the front porch, read something inspiring, read scriptures and just meditate/pray/listen to the birds.
- I run quite regularly and lift weights at the gym 3x/week. I'm training for a marathon in November (Philly).
- I try to notice the beauty around me all the time.
- I memorize affirmations and repeat them throughout the day. My most recent one was "God fills my heart with love and forgiveness so that it spills out onto those around me."
- I walk every day at lunch and either meditate or talk to DH if he's free. Just to be outside in nature.
- I have ordered and read or will read almost every book recommended on this sight.
- I have started to journal at Cathryn's suggestion to help my inner Rose heal and to help me figure out exactly what it is that I'm feeling experiencing each day.
- I've started looking at the smaller picture instead of the big picture. I used to think I had to do a whole complete job or not at all. For example, I used to wait to weed my gardens until I had time to weed them all. haha. Now I can just do one garden at a time....
- I try very hard to stay away from sugar because I swing emotionally when I eat it - I'm much more balanced without sugar. (I already don't eat wheat or dairy due to food allergies.)
- I limit my diet coke to two a day. Again, b/c caffeine can set me off the deep end easily.
- I end the day with chamomile tea and reading inspirational material that reminds me to be kind to myself.
- then I do yoga and think about the reading of the evening.
- then I pray.
- then I pray with DH.

Thanks for this idea!
Warmly,
Rose

MissMO replies to Rose: Thanks, Rose, for sharing! Wow a marathon! What a great thing to do for yourself!  I think it is important that we find at least ONE thing that we can be apart of that is outside of our home that is just US. For me it is music... for you it is this marathon. Things like this help us to maintain our unique identity.

SALTYMOM WRITES:
I try to stay very independent - I think I always have been, but I still try to do a lot of my own without relying on others, that includes trying not to rely on other to make me happy.

I splurge on very few things, but I get my hair done every 3 months (color, foils, etc.). It makes me feel good, I love the new looks I get, and I always get a lot of compliments on it.

I have fitness classes that I now attend faithfully every Monday and Wednesday night. There is very little that will prevent me from going. Just the other week I chose to attend my class instead of going to watch SD's rugby game. I would have missed the first half anyway since it starts before I was done work, and I know there will be other games.

I LOVE to cook! I have to make all my own meals anyway due to allergies and other dietary restrictions, but I love trying new foods and incorporating them into my everyday meals. It;s funny because I used to be a really picker eater - not anymore!!

I love reading (I'm on the second book of the Hunger Games - love it!!) and I love sewing. Right now the sewing has taken a backseat to reading but I have so many projects I want to do. I often apologize to my BF for sewing so much and talking about all the different things I'm going to make, but he always says how much he loves it. He is happy that I have something that I'm so passionate about.

I, like LJB82, prefer doing all errands and shopping by myself. It's time alone to do things on my own, at my own pace.


You can probably tell I value my "alone time", or time to be able to do the hobbies and activities that I treasure. I would really like to find something that both my BF and I could do together on a regular basis. I bought a bike, and would like for him to get one too - but even then, I like taking those long bike rides to clear my head. I'm sure I'll think of something.

MissMO replies to SaltyMom:
SaltyMom, I'm like you. I really value my alone time.... I think that was one of the shocks of becomeing smom for me. All of a sudden, I wasn't my independant self living in my cute little apartment with all my own things. I couldn't do what I wanted when I wanted and only have myself to be concerned for. It was very much of a culture shock!

It is so good that you are holding onto all the things that you enjoy. I realized when I first got married, (actually before that when DH and I became serious), I started to let go of my passions. I didn't even know it was happening. Now, I am starting to pick up those things again.

Reading your post reminded me of something else that I love to do... scrapbooking and being creative and artsy. That is something that I have set aside too... and I really want to start doing it again. I need to carve out sometime that I can either get together with a friend or go somewhere alone and do it. If I try to do it at home, I will never have time.  Plus, if I leave the house, it will help me to have that self time that I really need. Thanks!!! 

POST OFFICE FACE WRITES TO MISSMO:
MissMO, you should learn guitar.  I had wanted to learn for awhile and we too got my YSS a guitar and he is learning how to play it. Then DH got me a guitar that's good for people with small hands (I had tried to play before but with issues) and a series for learning and I am just teaching myself. I really enjoy it - it's going a little slow because I don't practice every day, but I have made a lot of progress.

HAWAIISTEPMOM WRITES:
Great post MissMO

1. The number one thing I do that helps me is to focus on my faith (Prayer, reading scriptures, going to the temple, singing in the choir, etc). I ALWAYS feel better about myself and the world around me when I worship!

2. I started swimming a few weeks ago and I cant believe I didn't try it earlier. The University in my town has an Olympic size pool and provide the water belts and other fun tools to help. I can exercise without pain and it feels great to be weightless;P

3. MUSIC...I love to listen to certain types of music to lift my spirits or get me pumped up or make me feel like dancing!

4. Play with my puppy...my baby is my best friend and just gives so much unconditional love. That and she gets me out to walk with her which ALWAYS makes me feel better.

Lunch dates with my friends. At least once a month, I go to lunch with one or more of my girlfriends. We eat yummy food, talk story and laugh!

MissMO replies to Hawaiistepmom:
I have a puppy-baby too that is so precious to me. I think God gave us dogs to give us joy.  Ever since I've had my little girl, I get outside a little bit every day and even take a short walks around the block. A great stress reliever. And I laugh a lot too because she is just so cute and funny. Laughter is good medicine, you know! 

BUTRFLY462 WRITES:
I like to spend lots of time with my ds, just me and him, I watch my shows, I get mani/pedis, I get massages, and I do dinner with friends sometimes. I'd like to see my friends more and start working out, too. Just have to find the time!

MissMO replies to Butryfly462:

Spending time with your DS is very important! I know that you have concerns about your SD influencing your children, but the best and the strongest influence in a child's life is their mother. I think your babies are going to be fine, because they have you. 

CATHRYN WRITES:
Hi All, This is terrific thread. MissMO, I'd like to move it to "stick up" at the top for others to see. If you don't want it there, PM me and I will "unstick."

For me, quilting or time in quilt shops, on quilt sites, is color therapy for me when possible. I like the handwork and so far, all but one quilt (of 25) have been for others. Spending time with the colors (I have zero drawing or painting skills-zero so I need to use fabric) and imagining the person I'm making something for helps me get outside of myself and my own life situation.

I like being in nature, even if it means messing around with plants and bird feeders. Sadly I also have no green thumb either.
Daily meditation is a must for me.
I'm a big tea drinker myself. So many types to try and so good for us too, like others have said.

Looking forward to re-reading all your ideas and hearing more as well.
Thanks again MissMo. All the Best, Cathryn

Is there a yoga DVD that anyone can recommend to a beginner? I can't touch my palms to the floor so clearly I need to stretch.

MissMO replies to Cathryn:
Thanks Cathryn! That is fine! 

My MIL introduced me to quilting. I have sewed a few quilt tops and I reallly do enjoy it. It is very relaxing and fun to chose the colors and patterns. My first quilt was a birthday gift for my precious little nephew that lives way to far away from me. My sister sent me a picture the other day of him asleep with his quilt over him. Quilts are a very special way to let someone know you love them. 

Nature is one of my favorite things too! Even though I do not have a green thumb and cannot plant or take care of a garden! I still enjoy them. 

My grandma was visiting here with me for a few weeks and drinking tea together has always been something we've done since I was a little girl. It was nice to have her here and enjoy a few cups of tea like back then.

AGNES WRITES:
MissMO!!

I quilt... like ALOT! I work at a quilt shop, supports the habit. LOL! If anyone could give me how to post a picture I would be HAPPY to post a picture of my baby all laid out since tomorrow is my last class (although I don't think I'll have it done). I still have quilter's A-D-D from working at the shop but I do a little of everything. I machine piece, hand applique, hand embroidery, longarm quilting, dh recently got me a new "flight simulator" (sewing machine).

I cook too. I've been cooking my way thru Bon Appetit for 4-5 years now. Actually I quit the subscription but I have gotten a couple ... ok a few new cookbooks I love to cook out of.

I do photography although it has really gone by the wayside since I've been quilting so much but now that I have most of the major techniques under my belt, I'm slowing down some; being much more selective.

I do some hiking but easy trails as I'm not in the best shape. It's a shame to see the Mtn everyday & not take advantage of it. Weather is really only permitting a few months a year.

I also have done some gardening but again, the weather has been so bad the last few years I gave up having our own garden. Last year, we had snow in JUNE!

MissMo replies to Agnes:
Agnes, it sounds like you are a very creative person! I am glad that you are still very much involved in these things that you love... they help you stay YOU even in the midst of the blended familiy chaos!!!

I love to cook too! I enjoy making up my own little recipes. I never write them down though (my bad), so I forget sometimes what I did. LOL But I love it when I make something for my family that is my own invention and they love it!!! But I get my feelings hurt real easy too if they don't! hehe!

RACHJULIA WRITES:
I just got back from a relaxing weekend! DH is so awesome! He took care of 3 kiddos while i went to indio to go relax! Even though it was fathers day weekend!  Its really awesome when u can trust and feel absolutely worry free when you leave the fam behind, first time away from my BS1 though and not to mention DH buzzed his head when i was gone ugh! But i think that every mom deserves alone time with friends or whatever, we do everything for our husbands and kids!

MissMO replies to RachJulia:That is awesome!!! Way to GO DH! ]]> <![CDATA["Do it Anyway Quote & My Mentor's Death]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33656 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 22:30:06 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33656 Do it Anyway Quote & my mentor's death
Originally on General BB but now posted on Open Forum.

CATHRYN WRITES (10.03.12)

Hi Ladies,
I've been off the board for last couple of weeks because last monday (9/24/12) my mentor of 28 years passed away (age 85) after a 10-day nightmare struggle from extensive cancer surgery. Last Friday, I was one of the 2 people giving the eulogy at his funeral. His name is Kit Carson. I met him when I was 28, 28 years and one month ago.

I had left a bank job, responsible for implementing the then new ATM services. We'd won over 65% of our customers when the national average for usage in 1984 was less than 30%. Our banks didn't have any money for bribery campaigns...so I trained my staff how to talk with people about their fears and concerns, then we talked to customers and it worked! After giving a few speeches at national banking conventions to share our story, I decided to go out on my own. That was August 4, 1984.

I was totally jazzed and very naive in thinking that because I'd had so much success at my banks, that banks and newly formed ATM networks across the country would pay me to help them achieve the same results. I set 7 goals for my new career. I only made $750 in the first 6 months. However, thanks to Kit, who I met the very first week of being on my own, I achieved all those goals within 6 years.

By the way, my dad, who'd hired Kit as a sales trainer, where he worked in the 70's, gave me a "Kit Carson one-day gift certificate" because he KNEW that I was going to need a lot of help. And he was right! I needed a lot of help. It's not surprising to many of you to hear that even back then I made many politically unwise choices out of enthusiasm, naiveté and a lack of understanding how things worked, "behind the scenes."

Thankfully, I needed help and I got it, as a paying client of Kit's for over 10 years. The last 18 years, we got together as friends every couple of months and he was always available to listen and dole out sage advice-I say again...thankfully.

If we're lucky we all meet 2-3 people who make a difference in the way our lives turn out. Kit Carson is one of the people who did that for me (and maybe indirectly for you too.) He's the originator of the "Sounds about right" approach. Yep, during one of our many talks I was describing another frustrating stepmom situation, looking for sympathy and ideas and he calmly said, "Kiddo, sounds about right to me!" I stared back at him, realizing what he was saying and the conversation, as usual,took a very different and more impactful turn. He's also the one who helped me craft the "Loving ignore your stepkids" tactic. He told me, "Nothing changes until you do" and "help is only help when perceived so my the recipient" and so many other sayings that I've been able to use in my work of supporting sister stepmoms.

He was incredibly patient, compassionate and supportive of me. He was a master creative problem solver and he was always able to help me understand the "Why's" of things. Now you know where I got my model for this tone I want for this BB. You'd all have liked him, I think.

Over the years, he's given me so much wisdom (you can see that I could go on and on but won't today) and I've quoted him many times in my articles. He may be gone physically but he will always be alive for me.

As I was going through some files, I found the quote "Do it Anyway" that he had given me when I thought I was going to fall apart with all the pain, rage and grief I was feeling in my stepmom situation.

Like I used to when I first read it, once again, I felt lifted, somehow my spirits were raised by reading it over so I wanted to share it here, in case it could have that positive impact on you today. Martina McBride has a nice song, "Anyway" that sings this message in a beautiful voice. FYI

I was also reminded, as I was preparing the Eulogy, about something Marianne Willliamson often quotes from the "Course in Miracles" (and I'll paraphrase to the best of my ability.) She says, "bring to any situation, that which is missing."

Wow, I realized that I was able to do that in the beginning, as a new stepmom. I was enthusiastic, optimistic, eager-beaver problem solver, willing to fill in the gaps for my DH, excited about the future and fully myself with my heart, well-being & energy fully intact. Sadly, time and events wore me down and tore me up emotionally in ways I was completely unprepared for.

It was Kit Carson, a couple of dear friends and my sister SMOMS who enabled me to survive, heal and realize so many new perspectives and insights over these past 16 years of being a stepmom. In the past 3.5 years (since his near fatal illness), my husband and I have decoded, untangled and awakened to SO many things! Heck, it may take me the rest of my life to write about them all. I feel such gratitude for the people who helped me make it to today, helped us, and for the wise writings that continue to help me keep my hopes alive and gently encourage my heart to stay fully open.

We've chosen a very difficult path, you and I. It's why we're "Stepmoms on a Mission." For whatever reasons, the love we feel for the men we love, especially when we first got together, was often so strong, so unexplainable, (illogical even) that we trusted in it, when reality or circumstances may have suggested it wasn't our "best" choice at the time. There must have been some reasons for the connections we felt and I completely agree. There are very important lessons that you and your beloved can discover and share. I know this can be very hard to see and feel when you are in the midst of so much and so many circumstances and people. Like I said, this can be a very difficult path.

Personally, after 16 years, Mike and I are finally in a place where we can look back and understand how and why we caused each other so much grief and pain. We can see why and how his ex and his son's actions caused us so much rage and pain. Mutual forgiveness has been such a natural gift to ourselves and each other, as we can now see things from this new perch of understanding. Thankfully, the love that brought us together is now able to flow more freely, more effortlessly without all the debris in between us. We're making peace with (and accepting) the years and efforting it took for us to get through the tangled mess, that was our lives for so many years...and yet we see it all very clearly now.

It's been a windy, twisty, exhausting, emotional and detour-filled "adventure." We've discovered and healed wounds we didn't know we had. We've changed beliefs that were imposed upon us from our childhoods that we didn't even know we had a choice about. We've uncovered assumptions that we never thought to verbalize because...well...because we assumed everyone felt or thought or followed or believed as we did ourselves. What a relief to be on the other side of all that.

It continues to be my passion and intention to help others who want to embrace their stepmom relationships and situations as opportunities for growth, healing and for becoming wiser, stronger and more open-hearted.

Thanks for letting me go on about this. I'll be back to work and on the BB more regularly again.

May you all take a moment to remember your worth, your goodness and your true beauty and value so you can muster whatever courage, love and energy you need in your life today and everyday. My Best to you all, Cathryn


Dear Sister Stepmoms on a Mission...

Do it anyway!

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

(This version was found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta. It was adapted from the 1968 “The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M Keith)

EVILSTEPMOTHER REPLIES:
Cathryn,
I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your mentor and his wisdom with all of us.

POST OFFICE FACE REPLIES: Thanks for sharing, Cathryn.

FINDINGMYWAYINWI REPLIES:
My sympathies for your loss and thank you for sharing that moving piece.

SCARLETT REPLIES:
Yes, thank you. The 'Do it Anyway' message is awesome.

MISSKISS REPLIES:
Thanks for sharing something so personal.
I am truly sorry for your loss!

MISSMO REPLIES:
Dear Cathryn, I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful gift your friend gave to you, and now you are passing on to us. We appreciate you so much! Thanks for sharing "Do it Anyway." It is very timely for me.

Love,
MissMO

ALEJANDRA RELPIES: I'm sorry to hear this.

MOTHERLYLOVE REPLIES: So sorry for your loss Cathryn.

CATHRYN THANKS SMOMS:
Ladies, thank you so very much for your kind posts.
Some of you may remember the Harry Chapin song "Life's a Circle." Some of you may not even remember Harry Chapin :-). He was quite the song write, story-teller. Anyway what Kit did for me, what I'm trying to do for you and what you all are doing for your families and loved ones all seems to illustrate his point. Sun up, sun down, another day and another chance to create an impact on others-whatever that it.

Thanks again, Cathryn

ROSE REPLIES:
I'm so sorry for your loss. May your memories of Kit provide you with comfort and may your sharing of his wisdom give you warmth.

I am thankful for your/his message but somehow can't internalize it - I'm tired. So tired. It's beyond me.

Cathryn replies to Rose’s post: Dear Rose, Thank you for your kind words and wishes. I'd like to say that this quote is in no way suggesting we "Do" anything from a state of exhaustion or pain or when we are in a place of needing to "do" for ourselves. With your exhaustion, which I can relate to, seems that whatever actions you can muster, need to be directed at rejuvenating YOU! From a state of depletion, so many of us keep pushing and pushing and pushing using our minds to force our hearts and bodies to move, do, try, etc.

Please use your energy for you, what you need, what nourishes you, your Soul, your body, your heart. They'll be time to do for others in the future. May you find lots of ideas for helping yourself at this time so you may feel restored inside and out. Sending you love, Cathryn

MissMO adds to Cathryn’s comments:
I totally agree with this! A pitcher of water can only pour water into cups until its empty. When it becomes empty, then it must be filled up again... That is how we all are. We can only give as long as we have something TO give. When we run out, then we need to be refilled so we can give again.

Rose replies to Cathryn & MissMO:
Oh. Thank you Cathryn and MissMo - I wasn't expecting a reply via this post and how sweet to read.

The good news is that at the end of the month DH is going away to a Scout Leadership training weekend. I told him kindly that I can't see myself spending a whole complete weekend with his boys without him - that I would like to go away too. He agreed.

I get a whole weekend somewhere, in a hotel or bed and breakfast to myself! Just the thought of it makes me feel lighter! I'm going to stay local or go to the shore - treat myself to some movies in my room and maybe the theatre. Maybe I'll even have my Kindle by then and can have thousands of books at my fingertips! Yay! And... naps.... quiet time for naps... :-)

MissMO replies to Rose:
That sounds wonderful Rose!!! 

HAWAIISTEPMOM WRITES:

OH Cathryn...with all that you have going on in your life, you still find time to help all of us. I believe that KIT was and IS very proud of you and all that you have become!!! I love the quote and I hope that you are taking time to properly mourn and work through your grief. From your own advice to me several times...I hope you are being kind to yourself and taking time to heal. LOVE YOU!

PAULISUE REPLIES:

I am so sorry for you loss. Thank you for remembering his advice of "Do It Anyway" and sharing with us. It was very reassuring and timely for me.

PHILLYD REPLIES:
My deepest sympathies for your loss! What a wonderful mentor to have in your life!

KERMIT REPLIES:
Been praying for you and Kit’s loved ones and friends.
I love “Do it anyways” ! I have it posted into my journal and refer to it all the time! Grieving is a process.... Grieve at your own pace ! Hugs and we are here If needed!

CATHRYN ADDS:
Dear Sister SMOMS, Thank you all for your kind wishes and condolences. I continue to remember so many things he taught me and I look forward to passing them along to you as well. Because of his Alzheimer's, the past few years have been very hard for he, his wife of 65 years (this month) and those of us who loved him. During my monthly visits, over these past 3 years, it was getting harder and harder to see him anguish over not having control of his mind. At some level, I feel relief over not having to worry about his suffering anymore. I believe he is well, with his wisdom fully intact again, somewhere in Spirit. Thanks again for your posts of support. Love, Cathryn

BERNADETTE REPLIES:

My condolences Cathryn. Memories can never be taken from us. Thanks for sharing yours and inspiring us to go beyond the places we never thought possible in the adventure of being stepmoms.

Cathryn Replies to Bernadette: Hi Bernadette, Thank you (and all the others SMOMS) for your kind words. It is much appreciated!
Love, Cathryn

PS Remember I am still willing to come out to your neck of the woods and give a little lecture/speech, presentation to your sister stepmoms if you still want me to. CBD]]> Do it Anyway Quote & my mentor's death
Originally on General BB but now posted on Open Forum.

CATHRYN WRITES (10.03.12)

Hi Ladies,
I've been off the board for last couple of weeks because last monday (9/24/12) my mentor of 28 years passed away (age 85) after a 10-day nightmare struggle from extensive cancer surgery. Last Friday, I was one of the 2 people giving the eulogy at his funeral. His name is Kit Carson. I met him when I was 28, 28 years and one month ago.

I had left a bank job, responsible for implementing the then new ATM services. We'd won over 65% of our customers when the national average for usage in 1984 was less than 30%. Our banks didn't have any money for bribery campaigns...so I trained my staff how to talk with people about their fears and concerns, then we talked to customers and it worked! After giving a few speeches at national banking conventions to share our story, I decided to go out on my own. That was August 4, 1984.

I was totally jazzed and very naive in thinking that because I'd had so much success at my banks, that banks and newly formed ATM networks across the country would pay me to help them achieve the same results. I set 7 goals for my new career. I only made $750 in the first 6 months. However, thanks to Kit, who I met the very first week of being on my own, I achieved all those goals within 6 years.

By the way, my dad, who'd hired Kit as a sales trainer, where he worked in the 70's, gave me a "Kit Carson one-day gift certificate" because he KNEW that I was going to need a lot of help. And he was right! I needed a lot of help. It's not surprising to many of you to hear that even back then I made many politically unwise choices out of enthusiasm, naiveté and a lack of understanding how things worked, "behind the scenes."

Thankfully, I needed help and I got it, as a paying client of Kit's for over 10 years. The last 18 years, we got together as friends every couple of months and he was always available to listen and dole out sage advice-I say again...thankfully.

If we're lucky we all meet 2-3 people who make a difference in the way our lives turn out. Kit Carson is one of the people who did that for me (and maybe indirectly for you too.) He's the originator of the "Sounds about right" approach. Yep, during one of our many talks I was describing another frustrating stepmom situation, looking for sympathy and ideas and he calmly said, "Kiddo, sounds about right to me!" I stared back at him, realizing what he was saying and the conversation, as usual,took a very different and more impactful turn. He's also the one who helped me craft the "Loving ignore your stepkids" tactic. He told me, "Nothing changes until you do" and "help is only help when perceived so my the recipient" and so many other sayings that I've been able to use in my work of supporting sister stepmoms.

He was incredibly patient, compassionate and supportive of me. He was a master creative problem solver and he was always able to help me understand the "Why's" of things. Now you know where I got my model for this tone I want for this BB. You'd all have liked him, I think.

Over the years, he's given me so much wisdom (you can see that I could go on and on but won't today) and I've quoted him many times in my articles. He may be gone physically but he will always be alive for me.

As I was going through some files, I found the quote "Do it Anyway" that he had given me when I thought I was going to fall apart with all the pain, rage and grief I was feeling in my stepmom situation.

Like I used to when I first read it, once again, I felt lifted, somehow my spirits were raised by reading it over so I wanted to share it here, in case it could have that positive impact on you today. Martina McBride has a nice song, "Anyway" that sings this message in a beautiful voice. FYI

I was also reminded, as I was preparing the Eulogy, about something Marianne Willliamson often quotes from the "Course in Miracles" (and I'll paraphrase to the best of my ability.) She says, "bring to any situation, that which is missing."

Wow, I realized that I was able to do that in the beginning, as a new stepmom. I was enthusiastic, optimistic, eager-beaver problem solver, willing to fill in the gaps for my DH, excited about the future and fully myself with my heart, well-being & energy fully intact. Sadly, time and events wore me down and tore me up emotionally in ways I was completely unprepared for.

It was Kit Carson, a couple of dear friends and my sister SMOMS who enabled me to survive, heal and realize so many new perspectives and insights over these past 16 years of being a stepmom. In the past 3.5 years (since his near fatal illness), my husband and I have decoded, untangled and awakened to SO many things! Heck, it may take me the rest of my life to write about them all. I feel such gratitude for the people who helped me make it to today, helped us, and for the wise writings that continue to help me keep my hopes alive and gently encourage my heart to stay fully open.

We've chosen a very difficult path, you and I. It's why we're "Stepmoms on a Mission." For whatever reasons, the love we feel for the men we love, especially when we first got together, was often so strong, so unexplainable, (illogical even) that we trusted in it, when reality or circumstances may have suggested it wasn't our "best" choice at the time. There must have been some reasons for the connections we felt and I completely agree. There are very important lessons that you and your beloved can discover and share. I know this can be very hard to see and feel when you are in the midst of so much and so many circumstances and people. Like I said, this can be a very difficult path.

Personally, after 16 years, Mike and I are finally in a place where we can look back and understand how and why we caused each other so much grief and pain. We can see why and how his ex and his son's actions caused us so much rage and pain. Mutual forgiveness has been such a natural gift to ourselves and each other, as we can now see things from this new perch of understanding. Thankfully, the love that brought us together is now able to flow more freely, more effortlessly without all the debris in between us. We're making peace with (and accepting) the years and efforting it took for us to get through the tangled mess, that was our lives for so many years...and yet we see it all very clearly now.

It's been a windy, twisty, exhausting, emotional and detour-filled "adventure." We've discovered and healed wounds we didn't know we had. We've changed beliefs that were imposed upon us from our childhoods that we didn't even know we had a choice about. We've uncovered assumptions that we never thought to verbalize because...well...because we assumed everyone felt or thought or followed or believed as we did ourselves. What a relief to be on the other side of all that.

It continues to be my passion and intention to help others who want to embrace their stepmom relationships and situations as opportunities for growth, healing and for becoming wiser, stronger and more open-hearted.

Thanks for letting me go on about this. I'll be back to work and on the BB more regularly again.

May you all take a moment to remember your worth, your goodness and your true beauty and value so you can muster whatever courage, love and energy you need in your life today and everyday. My Best to you all, Cathryn


Dear Sister Stepmoms on a Mission...

Do it anyway!

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

(This version was found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta. It was adapted from the 1968 “The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M Keith)

EVILSTEPMOTHER REPLIES:
Cathryn,
I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your mentor and his wisdom with all of us.

POST OFFICE FACE REPLIES: Thanks for sharing, Cathryn.

FINDINGMYWAYINWI REPLIES:
My sympathies for your loss and thank you for sharing that moving piece.

SCARLETT REPLIES:
Yes, thank you. The 'Do it Anyway' message is awesome.

MISSKISS REPLIES:
Thanks for sharing something so personal.
I am truly sorry for your loss!

MISSMO REPLIES:
Dear Cathryn, I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful gift your friend gave to you, and now you are passing on to us. We appreciate you so much! Thanks for sharing "Do it Anyway." It is very timely for me.

Love,
MissMO

ALEJANDRA RELPIES: I'm sorry to hear this.

MOTHERLYLOVE REPLIES: So sorry for your loss Cathryn.

CATHRYN THANKS SMOMS:
Ladies, thank you so very much for your kind posts.
Some of you may remember the Harry Chapin song "Life's a Circle." Some of you may not even remember Harry Chapin :-). He was quite the song write, story-teller. Anyway what Kit did for me, what I'm trying to do for you and what you all are doing for your families and loved ones all seems to illustrate his point. Sun up, sun down, another day and another chance to create an impact on others-whatever that it.

Thanks again, Cathryn

ROSE REPLIES:
I'm so sorry for your loss. May your memories of Kit provide you with comfort and may your sharing of his wisdom give you warmth.

I am thankful for your/his message but somehow can't internalize it - I'm tired. So tired. It's beyond me.

Cathryn replies to Rose’s post: Dear Rose, Thank you for your kind words and wishes. I'd like to say that this quote is in no way suggesting we "Do" anything from a state of exhaustion or pain or when we are in a place of needing to "do" for ourselves. With your exhaustion, which I can relate to, seems that whatever actions you can muster, need to be directed at rejuvenating YOU! From a state of depletion, so many of us keep pushing and pushing and pushing using our minds to force our hearts and bodies to move, do, try, etc.

Please use your energy for you, what you need, what nourishes you, your Soul, your body, your heart. They'll be time to do for others in the future. May you find lots of ideas for helping yourself at this time so you may feel restored inside and out. Sending you love, Cathryn

MissMO adds to Cathryn’s comments:
I totally agree with this! A pitcher of water can only pour water into cups until its empty. When it becomes empty, then it must be filled up again... That is how we all are. We can only give as long as we have something TO give. When we run out, then we need to be refilled so we can give again.

Rose replies to Cathryn & MissMO:
Oh. Thank you Cathryn and MissMo - I wasn't expecting a reply via this post and how sweet to read.

The good news is that at the end of the month DH is going away to a Scout Leadership training weekend. I told him kindly that I can't see myself spending a whole complete weekend with his boys without him - that I would like to go away too. He agreed.

I get a whole weekend somewhere, in a hotel or bed and breakfast to myself! Just the thought of it makes me feel lighter! I'm going to stay local or go to the shore - treat myself to some movies in my room and maybe the theatre. Maybe I'll even have my Kindle by then and can have thousands of books at my fingertips! Yay! And... naps.... quiet time for naps... :-)

MissMO replies to Rose:
That sounds wonderful Rose!!! 

HAWAIISTEPMOM WRITES:

OH Cathryn...with all that you have going on in your life, you still find time to help all of us. I believe that KIT was and IS very proud of you and all that you have become!!! I love the quote and I hope that you are taking time to properly mourn and work through your grief. From your own advice to me several times...I hope you are being kind to yourself and taking time to heal. LOVE YOU!

PAULISUE REPLIES:

I am so sorry for you loss. Thank you for remembering his advice of "Do It Anyway" and sharing with us. It was very reassuring and timely for me.

PHILLYD REPLIES:
My deepest sympathies for your loss! What a wonderful mentor to have in your life!

KERMIT REPLIES:
Been praying for you and Kit’s loved ones and friends.
I love “Do it anyways” ! I have it posted into my journal and refer to it all the time! Grieving is a process.... Grieve at your own pace ! Hugs and we are here If needed!

CATHRYN ADDS:
Dear Sister SMOMS, Thank you all for your kind wishes and condolences. I continue to remember so many things he taught me and I look forward to passing them along to you as well. Because of his Alzheimer's, the past few years have been very hard for he, his wife of 65 years (this month) and those of us who loved him. During my monthly visits, over these past 3 years, it was getting harder and harder to see him anguish over not having control of his mind. At some level, I feel relief over not having to worry about his suffering anymore. I believe he is well, with his wisdom fully intact again, somewhere in Spirit. Thanks again for your posts of support. Love, Cathryn

BERNADETTE REPLIES:

My condolences Cathryn. Memories can never be taken from us. Thanks for sharing yours and inspiring us to go beyond the places we never thought possible in the adventure of being stepmoms.

Cathryn Replies to Bernadette: Hi Bernadette, Thank you (and all the others SMOMS) for your kind words. It is much appreciated!
Love, Cathryn

PS Remember I am still willing to come out to your neck of the woods and give a little lecture/speech, presentation to your sister stepmoms if you still want me to. CBD]]> <![CDATA[SMOMS Musical Playlist from BB- add your favorites to our list!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33654 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 22:14:05 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33654 SMOMS MUSICAL PLAYLIST.

This is a compilation of a thread started my Ali.
The suggestions for songs as of 10.15.12 are in this first post.
you are invited to share your additional ideas. We have such a great list so far and want to keep it going. Thanks Ali and all who have contributed, Cathryn

ALI STARTED WITH THIS POST ON 3.16.12

There is so much headache and heartache on these pages, and I know so many of us look forward to getting on-line to check in, check-out what's happening or just vent and steam...

But sometimes that isn't possible... there isn't time or we aren't near a computer... so I came up with the idea of a Smoms Playlist.

We can suggest songs that make us smile, console us, or empower us. Those of us that can download can do that... many public libraries have CDs to borrow / download / burn copies...

That or just having the playlist and hearing a song on the radio will make us feel good that somewhere out there in Smom-land, there is a Smom singing at the top of her lungs also.

Here is my #1 selection:

Stronger (aka What doesn't kill you makes you stronger) by Kelly Clarkson.

THE 3RDWHEEL: Adele - Set Fire to the Rain

KERMIT: Anyway you want it - Journey....and Get over it by Eagles

BERNADETTE: Hold your head up- Argent
This is such a great thread! Hold your head up by argent is uplifting, empowering.

GINGERAMY1:
"He didn't have to be" Brad Paisley
It's about a step father and how wonderful he is. It's absolutely beautiful, a tear jerker. But it describes us SMOMS to a "T"!!!

"We're not gonna take it"....Twisted Sister (I just googled who sang it, it popped into my head, I am an 80s child!)
"Crazy Train"...Ozzy Osbourne
"Another One Bites the Dust"....Queen
"More"...Usher (this one is very inspirational, and you can dance/workout to it  )
These are some of the songs my instructor plays at kickboxing. Let me tell ya, kicking and punching to these sure releases Smom stress!

BUNNY:
"If it doesn't kill you" by Siouxsie Sioux
"No child of mine" by Marianne Faithful
"Gave up" by Nine inch nails (not exactly comforting, but great when I'm pizzed off and have no control over the situation--I'll crank it up and dance around in my room while lifting some dumbbells like a freakin' nut!)
"Little girl blue" by Janis Joplin
"One" by U2

EVILSTEPMOTHER:

"Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash -

makes me laugh every time I hear it now. OSS21 - then probably 18 - said that some of his buddies said he looked like Johnny Cash, and all of a sudden, out of his mouth comes a really deep, "Ring of FI-yer!" . That's been a little inside joke ever since then.

W80PDX: "I pray for you"
"Between a mother and a child"

Here they are in a YouTube playlist!

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1A773BB9AE1A6AC7

Befrie relies to w80pdx:
awesome!!! thanks for putting them all in a playlist!!! 

i'll be listening to this on my way to my wedding! lol

CHOCOHOLICMOM:

Another great Johnny Cash song that always makes me smile is "A Boy Named Sue"

I stink at song titles and artists but there is another country song I play when I am really annoyed at my ex. I'll think of it eventually. It talks about being beaten down but to keep on fighting.

LAUGHOFTEN:
FOR UPLIFTING LIST:
"Don't work yourself up" by Tristan Pettyman and also "War out of peace." Both are beautiful and inspiring. They got me through some tough times when 1st husband was sick and passed away. He was very abusive towards the end.
The first song says, "I wanna love you, but I don't know how" and now I relate it to my skids. It is actually a very touching song.

BEFRIE:
"Take it" Janis joplin
"Karma" Alicia Keys
"No more Drama" Mary J Blige
"What am I to you" Norah jones
"She's come undone" The Who
"Say" JohnMayer
"Respect" Aretha Franklin


CATHRYN BOND DOYLE WRITES:
Hi Ladies, This is a super idea and I'd like to add to Ali's great idea by suggesting we break these into 3 lists:

1. Uplifting, Empowering List: How to feel uplifted, strong, wise and powerful.

2. Anger Releasing List: Songs to work out your anger (Kermit's "Get over it" by the Eagles is on my list also)

3. Open our hearts list: Love songs to touch our hearts when they are a bit hardened. Can you share with us, YOUR song and/or a song from your wedding?

If you'll specify which list you want your songs to go on, I will combine these it will give us all a chance to upload, download, u-tube, share songs that can help us with such important emotions.

Thanks Ali for another great idea. Cathryn

CHARLIE:
"If you're going through hell" by Rodney Atkins

HELLOKD87:
Here are mine:

1. (Empowering song) "You Are Loved" by Josh Groban

2. (Anger Releasing) "Shake It Out" by Florence & the Machine

I'm still working on an open hearts one... :-/

LJB82: Here's one that I love: King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

BUTRYFLY462: "just like you" by three days grace

RAYRAY09: Kind of crass... Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj.. lol

SOULFIRE: "The Fighter" - Gym Class Heroes always empowers me and I listen to it when I'm really struggling with BM who has been trying to run me off for a year.

MOMTOBEPLUS1: "Control" by Janet Jackson.

MOMOF4.5:
Go to you tube and look up "My Special Family Tree" and try not to cry…

MRS82ND: “Bring on the Rain" by Jo Dee Messina
Makes me feel strong!


THANKS EVERYONE!

What uplifting, empowering, anger releasing & heart-opening songs are on your playlists? Please add to our list. Thanks to all, Cathryn]]> SMOMS MUSICAL PLAYLIST.

This is a compilation of a thread started my Ali.
The suggestions for songs as of 10.15.12 are in this first post.
you are invited to share your additional ideas. We have such a great list so far and want to keep it going. Thanks Ali and all who have contributed, Cathryn

ALI STARTED WITH THIS POST ON 3.16.12

There is so much headache and heartache on these pages, and I know so many of us look forward to getting on-line to check in, check-out what's happening or just vent and steam...

But sometimes that isn't possible... there isn't time or we aren't near a computer... so I came up with the idea of a Smoms Playlist.

We can suggest songs that make us smile, console us, or empower us. Those of us that can download can do that... many public libraries have CDs to borrow / download / burn copies...

That or just having the playlist and hearing a song on the radio will make us feel good that somewhere out there in Smom-land, there is a Smom singing at the top of her lungs also.

Here is my #1 selection:

Stronger (aka What doesn't kill you makes you stronger) by Kelly Clarkson.

THE 3RDWHEEL: Adele - Set Fire to the Rain

KERMIT: Anyway you want it - Journey....and Get over it by Eagles

BERNADETTE: Hold your head up- Argent
This is such a great thread! Hold your head up by argent is uplifting, empowering.

GINGERAMY1:
"He didn't have to be" Brad Paisley
It's about a step father and how wonderful he is. It's absolutely beautiful, a tear jerker. But it describes us SMOMS to a "T"!!!

"We're not gonna take it"....Twisted Sister (I just googled who sang it, it popped into my head, I am an 80s child!)
"Crazy Train"...Ozzy Osbourne
"Another One Bites the Dust"....Queen
"More"...Usher (this one is very inspirational, and you can dance/workout to it  )
These are some of the songs my instructor plays at kickboxing. Let me tell ya, kicking and punching to these sure releases Smom stress!

BUNNY:
"If it doesn't kill you" by Siouxsie Sioux
"No child of mine" by Marianne Faithful
"Gave up" by Nine inch nails (not exactly comforting, but great when I'm pizzed off and have no control over the situation--I'll crank it up and dance around in my room while lifting some dumbbells like a freakin' nut!)
"Little girl blue" by Janis Joplin
"One" by U2

EVILSTEPMOTHER:

"Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash -

makes me laugh every time I hear it now. OSS21 - then probably 18 - said that some of his buddies said he looked like Johnny Cash, and all of a sudden, out of his mouth comes a really deep, "Ring of FI-yer!" . That's been a little inside joke ever since then.

W80PDX: "I pray for you"
"Between a mother and a child"

Here they are in a YouTube playlist!

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1A773BB9AE1A6AC7

Befrie relies to w80pdx:
awesome!!! thanks for putting them all in a playlist!!! 

i'll be listening to this on my way to my wedding! lol

CHOCOHOLICMOM:

Another great Johnny Cash song that always makes me smile is "A Boy Named Sue"

I stink at song titles and artists but there is another country song I play when I am really annoyed at my ex. I'll think of it eventually. It talks about being beaten down but to keep on fighting.

LAUGHOFTEN:
FOR UPLIFTING LIST:
"Don't work yourself up" by Tristan Pettyman and also "War out of peace." Both are beautiful and inspiring. They got me through some tough times when 1st husband was sick and passed away. He was very abusive towards the end.
The first song says, "I wanna love you, but I don't know how" and now I relate it to my skids. It is actually a very touching song.

BEFRIE:
"Take it" Janis joplin
"Karma" Alicia Keys
"No more Drama" Mary J Blige
"What am I to you" Norah jones
"She's come undone" The Who
"Say" JohnMayer
"Respect" Aretha Franklin


CATHRYN BOND DOYLE WRITES:
Hi Ladies, This is a super idea and I'd like to add to Ali's great idea by suggesting we break these into 3 lists:

1. Uplifting, Empowering List: How to feel uplifted, strong, wise and powerful.

2. Anger Releasing List: Songs to work out your anger (Kermit's "Get over it" by the Eagles is on my list also)

3. Open our hearts list: Love songs to touch our hearts when they are a bit hardened. Can you share with us, YOUR song and/or a song from your wedding?

If you'll specify which list you want your songs to go on, I will combine these it will give us all a chance to upload, download, u-tube, share songs that can help us with such important emotions.

Thanks Ali for another great idea. Cathryn

CHARLIE:
"If you're going through hell" by Rodney Atkins

HELLOKD87:
Here are mine:

1. (Empowering song) "You Are Loved" by Josh Groban

2. (Anger Releasing) "Shake It Out" by Florence & the Machine

I'm still working on an open hearts one... :-/

LJB82: Here's one that I love: King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

BUTRYFLY462: "just like you" by three days grace

RAYRAY09: Kind of crass... Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj.. lol

SOULFIRE: "The Fighter" - Gym Class Heroes always empowers me and I listen to it when I'm really struggling with BM who has been trying to run me off for a year.

MOMTOBEPLUS1: "Control" by Janet Jackson.

MOMOF4.5:
Go to you tube and look up "My Special Family Tree" and try not to cry…

MRS82ND: “Bring on the Rain" by Jo Dee Messina
Makes me feel strong!


THANKS EVERYONE!

What uplifting, empowering, anger releasing & heart-opening songs are on your playlists? Please add to our list. Thanks to all, Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[What's Working? Any Victories? From General BB]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33651 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 21:05:09 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33651 Compilation of the Thread started 7.15.12
What’s working? What Helped? Small Victories?

Please feel free to reply and add your latest insights and stories for ALL to read.


CATHRYN POSTS:

Hi Ladies, As we're into the summer now, let's see if we can put together a selection of triumphs, even if they are small. When did "Sounds about right" help you? Has your "lovingly ignore" strategy saved you any angst? How about those working on re-balancing your "give and take" to avoid feeling resentful? Any more stories of "His Kids: His Call" bringing couples closer? How about efforts to "take nothing personally"? What challenges have you faced and handled in ways that make you feel more empowered?

Let's share in the lessons we learn as even the small things can give all of us hope, insight, maybe even the confidence to try some new approach. Giving attention to the things that are working can also help refuel our energy tanks.

What's working for you? It would be great if you'd share your victories and insights with us. Hope to hear from you, Cathryn

STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION WRITES:

I am in the midst of re-reading "The Four Agreements". I read it a number of years ago, but feel I didn't allow much of it to sink in, as I have allowed SO many things to bring me down over these past couple of years, especially. I’ve been making a conscious effort to take nothing personally...from SD's odd comments or playing into BM's games; DH's words, actions, inactions, etc. I’ve come to a realization that I’m still struggling with, that I have allowed SD, DH, BM and so many others' problems to become MY problems.

I overcompensate to help DH with the struggle he is going through, counseling sessions, mediations, court, etc. I wear myself thin reaching out to SD and "coaching" DH on how I think he should reach out to her to get through to her on certain things, or to help her see the positive in crappy situations. I lay myself down for DH and become his doormat and then get mad at him for "making me his doormat". I go out of my way to pick up DH's slack when it comes to SD, dealings with BM, getting back to his attorney, etc. I have blamed DH for this so many times over the years. I have held onto so much resentment towards him, I have taken the things BM does to heart and I have let SD's unkind words cut me to the core. I only recently realized that all of this is MY fault, not theirs.

I’m not suffering at anyone's hands but my own. I’ve come a martyr and it is absolutely horrifying to me. I overcompensate to help my DH because I’m scared of not only what his failure will do to our family, but of how it will make ME look. I know that seems ridiculous, but it is the truth. I am fearful that DH "failing" will somehow become a reflection of MY life. I feel that my constant "helpfullness" has also aided DH in not taking responsibility for more of our life. I go out of my way to do things because I just assume that he will not do them. I don't even give him a chance to try to take care of it, because I am almost obsessively "on top of it".

I feel so sick thinking of all of this. I felt for a long time that I was going out of my way to create a happy life for us and our family, but in reality I was aiding in the breakdown of any sort of "teamwork" or "partnership" in our relationship. It seems I have been my own worst enemy. I have made myself completely conscious of these things lately and although it is extremely hard sometimes, and I have "fallen off the wagon", I am doing my best to stay completely out of DH's set of responsibilities when they come to SD and anything relating to the court mess between he and BM. This has resulted in DH "failing" to remember a couple of things and being embarrassed in front of important people in their case. It is hard for me, but I am seeing these failings as his, not mine.

Although I still do feel somewhat responsible for things getting this far...he, too, is an adult and chose to allow me to pick up his slack all these years. I hope that the embarrassment is enough for DH to try to make a conscious effort to snap out of his self induced helplessness as well. I will pass on The Four Agreements to him once I've finished it.

CATHRYN REPLIES TO STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION:

Dear StengthandCompassion, Thanks for sharing your process with us. I'm hoping that you will re-frame your insights and that you will be true to your screen name with yourself. They weren't mistakes, in my mind, they were faulty beliefs that you are now seeing and can change. Can you look at your insights and revelations that way so you don't have to punish yourself in any way?

I believe that you were doing what you were conditioned to do as a child. True?
I believe that you were probably taught to fill in for others, in order to avoid getting in trouble. That you were probably raised by people who taught you what was good and bad and as a child you soaked it all in...because you had to in order to survive! You did the right thing then.

What you are seeing is that the strategies that you needed to adopt as a child, are now not only not helping you , but have, to some extent unknowingly imprisoned you compelling you to act in ways that you now see (yahoo) aren't helpful for you. This is the path that we all need to go through when our adult life circumstances are different from the childhood ones.

You're waking up!
You're seeing that you now have choices, where beforehand, you couldn't see that there was another way to do things and still feel like you were being a good, responsible, caring person. I bet you put your own well-being at risk many times for the sake of doing the right thing. I bet you put your relationship connection at risk by all the times you felt it was more important to think about what was right than to do what was going to make you or your DH feel good/better.

I say these things because this is what i did and what I've learned. It's why I was able to write "His Kids:His Call". This is a time where if you can practice the "Recognize, acknowledge, FORGIVE and Change" theory of emotional processing, you will see profound shifts and a whole new realm of emotional inner peace unfold before you. It is a tremendous accomplish possible because of your courage and willingness to see differently. Sometimes pain pushes up to this point of emotional transformation.

Yes, stepmothering (like mothering) and martryhood are close kin and it is easy to slip down that path. The good news is that you are seeing that now and that you can make new choices, as you already are, to honor your needs and feelings with the same genuine enthusiasm and kindness that you intended with your family at the beginning. I do understand the horror, the remorse, sickening feelings that occur when we wake up to our own role in our painful/enraging situations. This is a sign that your awakening is truly happening.

However, I can also assure you, that just like the pins and needles pain passes when we start to move a limb that has fallen asleep, it will pass and you will be awake and aware in ways that will make your feel more alive, more healthy, more loving and more your True Self, than ever before. In a way, this is a celebration of your great work. I know it is painful, oh my goodness I know AND (not or or but) it is just the beginning.

My coach Kit used to say, "nothing changes until you do." I like this for it implies I have some options, no matter what is bothering me. As you are waking up, seeing you have new choices, challenging some of your implanted childhood beliefs and creating new beliefs, your world is going to change before your eyes. Really! Keep watch!

While everyone around you may not change, those you choose to share your insights with are going to benefit AND be so glad for the shifts. There may be waves of anger, as you acknowledge how you treated others, and if you can give them your attention and compassion, recognizing that by witnessing their feelings, you are giving them the freedom to release them, it will pass.

While you may have been controlling your DH, trying to get him to do the right things, etc., you will see that you have probably been acting like his mother, treating him like a child and this project wreaks havoc on any intimate relationship (been there, felt this also). It stinks and for you two...it's over. Even if you find yourself falling back into an old habit, you can ask your DH to lovingly say, OK MOM, if he feels you have lost your footing and if you two agree to this, you can also say, "You need to be the adult here, so I can let this go."

There is so much to say here, I'm hitting some highlights in case you want to pursue this and/or just give you some ideas. I'm working on a new article "The pros and cons of Nagging" that will explain more on this topic. But just let me say that I understand why you did what you did. You do too, now and as you get more and more clear about your new set of belief about your role and your responsibilities to YOURSELF, not just others, you are going to get all kinds of ideas. It's like we grow up under a spell and sometimes it takes extreme pain/rage to break up out of the intense conditioning of our childhood. Is any of this making sense?

You're really doing great work.
This is the first day of the rest of your life and while you are in the "recognizing and acknowledging phase, please be conscious about being compassionately kind until you can forgive yourself. You've already paid dearly for the impact of your choices. I will hope that you can be gentle on yourself as you move into the Forgive and Change phases.

This is a hard process.
I'm here is you want to work more.
May you know that I'm only trying to support your process and that I have respect and admiration for your courage and honesty. You've opened up the possibility for a whole new future for yourself and those who love you. Those who do not love you, will just begin to experience you as someone unwilling to play in their "same old games" and eventually they'll find someone else to interact with. Stick to you guns on your new beliefs and boundaries, whatever they are as change upsets some people and they may try to get you back into your "Former" self.

You can do this! Bravo to you! A toast to you sister SMOM, Cathryn

STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION REPLIES TO CATHRYN:

Dear Cathryn,

I am allowing compassion for myself in my errors. I am mostly in awe with myself at how long I allowed this behavior to go on. I have always thought of myself as a very insightful person, and now I see that I was often only being insightful with the shortcomings of others and overlooking many of my own. I own this and do not feel sad or defeated over it, just that I know I do not wish to continue down that path.

I think a lot of my behaviors are actually a mirror of my father's actions. He was always overcompensating and trying to push my siblings and I to "do our best", all the while overlooking that he was really holding us back by making us feel as though any accomplishment was not good enough or only a result of HIS hard work to get us to that point. I see how I have done this to DH and other people in my life and am shocked at how I allowed this to happen. My parents are both chock full of their our "issues" and I have vowed that I will not be like them, but here I am, acting the same way I hated my father acting towards me. There are other factors to why I have pushed at my DH in this way. He certainly was neglecting lots of things in his life, and I thought I could "save" him from the stress and help him along as he navigated the stormy waters of his drawn out divorce. However, at some point I became so controlling over the life I had helped to create for us, that I was afraid to hand the wheel back over to him...so I didn't. He fought me on things here and there, but ultimately did not seem all too bothered to allow me to steer the ship. We have talked about this a lot lately and he wants to make changes as well. He knows it is unfair to expect me to do things and admits he has often intentionally let things go because he wasn't concerned of them not getting done; he knew I would take care of it. He knows this is equally as unhealthy and unfair to both of us as my actions have been. We are both hoping to move forward in a healthy, happier direction. We don't want our kids growing up seeing us bickering (or flat out ARGUING) all the time. It's not fair to anyone and it only creates an environment for the cycle we are in to be passed down to our children. Neither of us want that for our kids, we want them to have the best lives they can have and to grow up seeing a healthy relationship between adults. I feel confident and excited about the path I am heading down and what it can do for me and DH. I do feel slightly overwhelmed when I try to think about how to apply this to other "troubled" relationships in my life. Mostly because I feel DH has an unconditional love for me that others I have problems with currently do not. I am scared to even try to look at those relationships with clarity. I know that if I see my own faults in the issues I can and will work on them, but I am apprehensive to open up in this way to others, namely DH's family, as I do not feel that they will be open to true change. I know that I need to work on those feelings. That fear is only hurting me and holding me back.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, it is very much appreciated. I'm sure I will be posting more on my progress as time passes. I am very excited for this change in me and the good it can do for my family!

CATHRYN REPLIES TO STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION:

Dear Strengthandcompassion, I look forward to hearing all about your discoveries.

Your comment about your Dad makes me want to offer 2 ideas. One is that the "Drama of the Gifted Child is Really going to be helpful as you and DH are both consciously wanting to stop the unconscious programming and conditioning as you raise your kids-what lucky kids you have to have such aware and curiously eager for growth parents. Yay for you both.

The comment you made about your Dad also makes we want to ask, "Any chance he's a covert narcissist? What he did to you all growing up is called the "double message/double bind" and you can read a brief description about this dynamic on page 45-46 from "the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson. I think on Amazon you can read a few pages for free. This page, plus pages 8-9 will give you a sense of whether learning more about this will help you in your understanding of the crazy-making aspects of this kind of behavior.

What I found in my process, is that I didn't have to share too much with the others in my life. I changed in reaction to them and they began to change and/or shift almost immediately. You're right to be protective on your inner work. As you focus on your reactions and feelings about the things that you see and experience you will find common issues. Get clear about one issue and all the places in your life where this happens will shift-almost automatically.

In the Drama book, Dr. Miller talks about "the unconscious compulsion to repeat" as the description of what we do with we are unaware of what drives us. Good news? As we become conscious of what's driving us, we now see it and can make new decisions. It's a bit like when the doctor taps your bent knee. When you're not paying any attention, she hits is with that rubber thing and it bounces out. However, if you put your attention on your knee and keep hold it in place consciously bending it, it will not budge when tapped. Makes Sense?

While some people are NOT going to be open to change (especially any narcissists in your midst) people can react differently to newly set boundaries, not because they are interested in person growth or being more kind or responsible, but because you're going to have boundaries with consequences they don't like. (Like leaving the room, not returning a call, refusing to talk when they are yelling, etc.) There are lots of good ideas for new boundaries in the Narcissist book AND Anne Katherine's book, "Where to draw the line" is also very practical and clear in her real life examples. FYI

Lots of new energy is going to be freed up and I bet you're ready to be the recipient of your own loving attention.

All the Best, Cathryn

PS. There's a post at the top of Cathryn's mailbox section, "Got a narcissist in your life that has lots of excerpts from the Wizard of Oz and other narcissist book, in case that's something you're interested in.

KAJALABA WRITES:

I know something that helped me was a comment I read on here about how sometimes the way we related in our childhood affects how we deal with our spouses. I was the mother bear, having 5 younger siblings growing up, and was often praised for my ability to 'corral the troops'. I can be very goal oriented, and when I see a problem I rush in to fix it, and attempt to mobilize others in my attempts...basically, I'm bossy. DH has a very overbearing mother who he learned to deal with my ignoring her, or frustrating her to the point that she was just 'being crazy' so that he could justify ignoring her. He could never 'win' with her, and therefore felt he could never 'win' with me, so why try.

When I started to take these different childhood experiences into account, I began to see how I was triggering my DH to be resistant to me, and he was triggering me to turn into a crazy woman. Haha!
I have tried to take these things into consideration, and even talked to DH about them, calmly as a gentle discussion, not me telling him how it is.
I have seen such a change in him, probably partly as a result of my attempts to soften my own approach. He is like a new man, taking ownership and taking charge in the family, and no longer leaving the lion's share for me to do.

It's funny how such a simple little comment has affected our relationship positively in such a short time.
I know that I still have a lot to learn, and a lot of growing to do, but this small victory has made a world of difference in the level of peace and communication around our house. I feel like we're on the same team, and not just for the 2 weeks between blow-ups. It has been a wonderful process this last 6 months!

TRYINGTOOHARD WRITES:

I have been working on several aspects to "save my sanity." First, I've disengaged somewhat in what I do for SDs. I was purchasing a lot for them since SO is a full-time student and not working. When I would see that clothes I bought weren't coming back to our house, or how they would lose things or not put them away "decent," I decided I am not spending my money on those things if no one else is going to respect it. Now I just purchase basic things like panties, bras, socks. (You know, the stuff that's NEEDED and often eaten by the dryer! LOL) I also stopped doing their laundry because they were not making any attempt to put things where they go and I am not taking my time to clean their things with nothing in return. So now when they complain they don't have clean underwear or not enough of this or that, I tell them to talk to their father b/c he is in charge of it. (Just before this recent trip they left for yesterday, they were saying they don't have shorts or underwear or bras here. I pointed out to them how much I bought them for Christmas or birthdays and that I always made sure they had enough of those things to last their entire week with us and that if those things were not returned or were lost or left at grandma's, there's nothing I can do about it and they need to take it up with their parents. And how much did we find in the 2 loads of laundry that STILL had winter clothing in it that SO neglected? Yes, SO, you did not do their laundry so they don't have any underwear right now... duh!)

I'm also working on some resentment issues, trying to not let BM get to me or what she says to SO bother me (it's been a lot less since she's now in an almost 2year relationship ... but she is still rude to him). It's a daily struggle sometimes, and I often want to just step in and do everything for everyone but that doesn't keep me sane and I know it. I have to let some things go .…

MISSKISS WRITES:

WOW!!!

Strengthandcompassion...
I could have written your posts myself!
Cathryn could attest to that! Probably
seemed like de ja vu!
I too am now taking responsibility for the things
I have overcompensated for that have
now become expectations.
I also feel as if it's all a reflection on ME if things aren't
as they should be. or atleast how *I* think they should be.
I have allowed this to happen and am now trying
to rectify it. Many of my "obligations" are self inflicted.
I too am re reading "The Four Agreements" I struggle daily.
I do care what others think.
I do take things personally.

I am a work in progress but am trying really hard to
make some changes in order to restore some joy and
happiness into myself.
I don't like being a drained, bitter, stressed out person.

What is working? What has helped?
"His Kids/His Call". (Brilliant Cathryn!)
Going into this I never wanted to refer to my kids as
"step kids", I didn't want that stigma. I wanted to love and mother
them and be the fantasy happy little blended family.
I think part of me also wanted to show my DH how much better of
a woman I am than his ex, and how I could be all things
to all people, work fulltime, keep an immaculate house,
be an active mom to his kids, keep all of the
laundry done on a daily basis and still find time to
play board games, polish the kid's nails, read them books,
take them on bike rides, make crafts with them, and whatever else they decided
they wanted me to do with them AFTER work and AFTER dinner.
My reality is that these are NOT my kids.
I do NOT owe them every free second of MY life.
I raised my kid and I sacrificed for her...
but these girls have a mom and a dad...
it's THEIR responsibility to give up their
free time and every shred of energy and patience they
have...not MINE.

I am allowed to say no, and why shouldn't I?
I didn't because I didn't feel it was right.
Kids deserve interaction and attention.
Someone needs to do these things for them, and
their dad isn't budging...so that leaves ME.
WRONG.
I am not their sole entertainment and caregiver.
WHEW!!!
It took a lot to get me to this point...
but how they turn out isn't MY problem.
I can't teach them or discipline them if their parents
aren't on board.
I also can't be the only one knocking myself out trying
to do what is best for them...
they aren't MINE.
I know that seems so harsh, but it's reality.
They have a mom, and no matter what, she is their mom.
They do love me and I am grateful for that, but she will
always trump me no matter how much I do and how little she does.

There is a lot more "go ask your dad" or "have your dad help you"
going on around
our house. Also, when the kids ask ME to play
a game with them...I make him do it too. He is
the one that had kids...he is the one that fought
for 50% custody...so why shouldn't he be the one
actively raising HIS kids? This isn't MY job!

Also, Cathryn once told me "You Are Not a Tree"...
what a statement!!
I can move!
I apply this in so many situations now...
it really helps.
It can be a tiny thing like SD whining...
I leave the room.
SD hanging all over me when I need
personal space...
I leave the room.
SD throwing a huge fit and DH is not handling
it like I would...
I leave the house.
The kids are fighting and driving me crazy...
I leave the house.
This all goes out the window when I left home alone
with the skids.
I am trying to minimize those times...DH still
doesn't realize that I am not his built in nanny.
He is still scheduling things one days we have the kids.
I alwys speak up now...
instead of just harboring "how dare he"...I flat out tell him!
It should not be an expectation that I am
going to be available to watch HIS kids.
I still have a hard time seeming so cold and heartless
saying HIS kids...they were OUR kids...but I was doing his
share, BM's share and MY share...
which, truth be told I don't have a share in the decisions...
so why do I have such a large share of the responsibility?
I told him this.

I do have some small victories...
just not as consistant as I would like.
I am in control though, and I am the one that needs
to make that happen.
I have started ignoring BM more.
I think I need to view her as "business"...
nothing personal, just business.
I am a work in progress...but I do love my husband and
I do want to be with him!!


ROSE WRITES:
Gosh... Everything I've learned on this forum has been wonderful.

His Kids His Call helps me be there to listen and brainstorm with him (since there is no BM) but yet I can let go of his decision. And of his kids reaction to it. (This is hard but I'm practicing!)

The Respect List that Evil triggered us to publish on our fridge really helped. There are issues of disrepect all the time - I can let it go through me and out as I mark down $1 on the chart! I don't internalize it anymore.

"No is a complete sentance" - Wow!

His Kids - His responsibility - I don't feel the need to go with them back-to-school shopping anymore. That's DHs responsibility.

My chiropractor just gave me a good conflict response. I was telling him about the confict I live with everyday raising the Skids myself while DH works second shift and how different they are - agressive, abuse, loud - I'm more of a talk it out, pause, think about it, fix it person - Its just a fact that two of the skids don't want me - they want their mom. Anyway he said "When conflict occurs - say to yourself 'God bless you, I love you, peace, be still'." This works wonders - I say it to Rose over and over - to center myself. And it seems to work so far. Instead of standing there shaking with anger disgust and resentment.

Um... venting on this forum has done wonders to help me find out that I'm not going crazy - that other smoms have felt or do feel the same way has been awesome. And also reading how they coped and handled things helps me to try new different things too.

Your book references - Four Agreements, Gifted Child, Oz... all have given me insights into myself and my reactions.

Your suggestion to look at Change itself as positive progress - knowing that I'll be trying new and different things and they'll either work or not but the actual TRYING of them is what makes progress. Not doing everything perfectly and figureing out things the first time. "Trying new things" IS perfect because it's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I say every morning "Calm my mind and fill my heart with Acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness and love until it overflows onto those around me." I try to picture the light of those filling me up and pouring out of my heart. This helps me start each day. It doesn't make driving home from work to those skids any easier but it does reset my day when i repeat it. I just want those 'fruits' to spill onto those kids instead of internalizing the angst.

My biggest goal right now is ACCEPTANCE. This is the hardest thing for me. My life is my life right now. Trying to find joy in the moment is a goal.

Self-care - just taking Monday as Rose's Day helps... and now that I'm training for a full marathon it's Mondays and Tuesdays - I don't cook I don't check on chores I don't do anything except what I need to do for Rose. Then on Wed, Thu and Fri my Bson is home so I do dinner and chore followup but that feels more like family to me.

Oh a BIG ONE - Let go of the skid issues and focus on DH/Rose's relationship. Since I read the Smom's advice on that - I always just try to do what I think will be best for our relationship. OK - so maybe he'll feel absolutely lost doing back to school shopping alone with his boys and might resent that I don't help him. OK - if it's good for our relationship I might just do it! Not because I want to be super-Smom but because I love DH and he needs me there! Plus - maybe I can get a new ankle bracelet or necklace out of the deal.

Wow! If I look at myself now versus February I am a different woman. Still crazy and gripping the rollercoaster handle with all my might but I'm so much better - if that makes sense.

I am filled with gratitude for the smoms' willingness to share. I absolutely would not be able to do this without you!

Thank you all! I love you!
Rose

MOTHERLYLOVE WRITES:

"Sounds about right" helped me when BM brought the cell phone to SD at church on my birthday. Someone finally pointed it out and yep, that's just something she would do, pretty sure SD told her it was my bday when she talked to her on the phone earlier that day. Luckily the phone didn't work at our house, NO signal! K it turned out to really be a victory in the end.

"Lovingly ignore" I always do this anyway if needed for my sanity with all(4) of the kids. Sometimes you just don't hear those little buggers. 

Also SD and DD really ticked us both off and I actually sat on it all day long and waited for him to get home to deal with it. I stood there mostly and it was nice to see the flame in his eyes instead of ME having to do that. Some satisfaction I may say, even though DH wasn't too happy about having to deal with something that made him so mad.

p.s. those girls will never do anything like that again, he didn't touch them or even really ground them, he just scared them a bit I think lol You know how WE can flip sometimes.. hehe and DH is LOUDER!

"Give and Take" I guess that was a bit of forced give and take, when I took care of the kids all day but "gave" him the chance to punish them when he got home that one day. Right? lol I don't know about that one.
I felt better, especially when he didn't even ask me or talk to me about SD being there for those 2 weeks(not in a row) that SD came. It's just SURPRISE! And he had to work....

"His kid His call" He was late on ordering SDs 13th bday gift but luckily it got here before she had to leave that week. Still....he didn't have it when she got here the day after her birthday. It was ok though.

PS: Isn't the statement, "Go ask your Dad", the best thing on earth? 

My ILS are my closest neighbor too. Luckily, the kids don't have permission to just run over there any time they like. Our 3 bios are not allowed to do that and so that is the same rule for SD. They would never eat real food here if they could run to Grandma's anytime they wanted because they go over there and eat nothing but JUNK. DS11 came home sick from eating tons of nuts at ILS house Saturday. I was gone to that baby shower, DH had allowed him to go to his Grandmother's home and then we have a sick kid to deal with. I wanted to slap them both! As much as Grandma acts like she loves those kids to pieces, she sure doesn't care much about their health....

Anyway, just letting you know that I feel your pain there. ILS can be as bad as BM at times!

MISSMO WRITES:

Hi everyone!

Wow! Where to start? I have benefitted so much from this group... My stress level is way down, and I like myself so much more than I used to. Here are a few victories for me.

Lovingly Ignore - I think this would apply to the boys bedrooms, and even their bathroom... I used to get so worked up over this. These boys are so messy. My blood pressure would go up every time I had to put their laundry away! I have tried every stratagy that I could think of to help them keep their rooms clean and to learn how to put their clothes away properly. Nothing worked. This one thing alone would put me in a bad mood the whole week.

So now, I am trying something different. I do not open their doors. I go in their rooms only once after they leave on Fridays and I gather all their dirty laundry. Then I wash it all up. I fold it neatly and place it in the basket. I do not touch the basket the rest of the week.

On the next friday when the boys come home, I get DH to help me make sure they put their clothes away in the their drawers and/or hung in their closet instead of thrown on the floor (or back in the dirty clothes hamper :rolleyes.

Then, I don't worry about their rooms. As long as they keep the door shut so the dog can't get in their and get into something she shouldn't, then I don't care. The only thing I do is the laundry. The rest is not my problem! I lovingly ignore their messes.

As far as BM goes... Well, she still does a lot of things that I don't like. BUT I am learning to stop caring. I have actually gotten to the place where I can go with DH to pick ups and have a civil conversation with her. I still do not communicate with her regarding anything having to do with the boys. I let DH do all that. He doesn't like it sometimes, because he hates having to be the "go between"... but this has been working really well. I think we are all happier than we would be otherwise.

His Kids, His Call... This mentality has helped me in a lot of ways too. Like for instance, I do not believe in letting ADHD kids have coffee and donuts for breakfast! My ILS however, give it to the boys all the time, and DH doesn't care. I used to get so worked up about this too! I mean, this is NOT good for the boys, in my opinion. They are already hyped up enough. They don't need that caffeine and sugar for BREAKFAST! They need something substantial.

Well, DH would tell the ILS not to give it to the boys, but they didn't listen... (You see, they are our neighbors and the boys run over there almost every morning.) and DH didn't put his foot down. He just doesn't see any problem with it. So... His kids, his call... I let it go. This goes hand in hand with their eating habits in general. I stopped being concerned about if they cleaned their plates. And amazingly enough, they are eating soo much better and are actually gaining weight! 

Also with his kids, his call, anytime the boys come to me requesting permission for something, I send them to their dad. This has relieved a lot of stress too...

I still have a LOT of things to work on... But wow! What a difference. 


JLB82 WRITES:

I think one of the best things I've learned on this board is to put things into perspective. I don't like my BM. I don't like a lot of the decisions my BM makes. However, do I have the worst BM out there? Most definitely not. I've learned to be grateful that BM is not hostile to me. I've learned to be grateful that my SS3 is not abused (dirty, dressed in shabby mismatched clothes, and fed on junk food, yes, hit and put into dangerous situations, no). I would change a lot about the situation if I could, but it's good to remember that it could be worse.

I'm also working on the “his kid/his call” & his responsibility aspect of things. I've stopped picking up SS3's room every time he leaves. I've stopped caring that he watches TV 24/7. I've resisted the urge to go out and buy lots of extras for SS3. It's SO's responsibility to buy clothes, toys, etc. It's hard for me to do this. As so many other women have commented on, I struggle with my childhood responses. Most of my life I've been the responsible one, the good one, the one that didn't need to be worried about. My sister had a LOT of psychological problems growing up, and as a result my mom's focus was completely on her (rightly because she did require care, but also because I feel Mom likes to play the victim "poor me, my little girl has sooooo many problems"). I spent my teen years walking on eggshells, because I didn't want the situation around me to go violent. Once I became an adult, I overcompensated for the situation by controlling EVERYTHING around me. It's hard to recognize that my SO is a responsible adult who will do the best he can; it might not always be my way BUT he will take care of it.

PS I absolutely agree with MotherlyLove about the “Go ask your Dad!”]]> Compilation of the Thread started 7.15.12
What’s working? What Helped? Small Victories?

Please feel free to reply and add your latest insights and stories for ALL to read.


CATHRYN POSTS:

Hi Ladies, As we're into the summer now, let's see if we can put together a selection of triumphs, even if they are small. When did "Sounds about right" help you? Has your "lovingly ignore" strategy saved you any angst? How about those working on re-balancing your "give and take" to avoid feeling resentful? Any more stories of "His Kids: His Call" bringing couples closer? How about efforts to "take nothing personally"? What challenges have you faced and handled in ways that make you feel more empowered?

Let's share in the lessons we learn as even the small things can give all of us hope, insight, maybe even the confidence to try some new approach. Giving attention to the things that are working can also help refuel our energy tanks.

What's working for you? It would be great if you'd share your victories and insights with us. Hope to hear from you, Cathryn

STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION WRITES:

I am in the midst of re-reading "The Four Agreements". I read it a number of years ago, but feel I didn't allow much of it to sink in, as I have allowed SO many things to bring me down over these past couple of years, especially. I’ve been making a conscious effort to take nothing personally...from SD's odd comments or playing into BM's games; DH's words, actions, inactions, etc. I’ve come to a realization that I’m still struggling with, that I have allowed SD, DH, BM and so many others' problems to become MY problems.

I overcompensate to help DH with the struggle he is going through, counseling sessions, mediations, court, etc. I wear myself thin reaching out to SD and "coaching" DH on how I think he should reach out to her to get through to her on certain things, or to help her see the positive in crappy situations. I lay myself down for DH and become his doormat and then get mad at him for "making me his doormat". I go out of my way to pick up DH's slack when it comes to SD, dealings with BM, getting back to his attorney, etc. I have blamed DH for this so many times over the years. I have held onto so much resentment towards him, I have taken the things BM does to heart and I have let SD's unkind words cut me to the core. I only recently realized that all of this is MY fault, not theirs.

I’m not suffering at anyone's hands but my own. I’ve come a martyr and it is absolutely horrifying to me. I overcompensate to help my DH because I’m scared of not only what his failure will do to our family, but of how it will make ME look. I know that seems ridiculous, but it is the truth. I am fearful that DH "failing" will somehow become a reflection of MY life. I feel that my constant "helpfullness" has also aided DH in not taking responsibility for more of our life. I go out of my way to do things because I just assume that he will not do them. I don't even give him a chance to try to take care of it, because I am almost obsessively "on top of it".

I feel so sick thinking of all of this. I felt for a long time that I was going out of my way to create a happy life for us and our family, but in reality I was aiding in the breakdown of any sort of "teamwork" or "partnership" in our relationship. It seems I have been my own worst enemy. I have made myself completely conscious of these things lately and although it is extremely hard sometimes, and I have "fallen off the wagon", I am doing my best to stay completely out of DH's set of responsibilities when they come to SD and anything relating to the court mess between he and BM. This has resulted in DH "failing" to remember a couple of things and being embarrassed in front of important people in their case. It is hard for me, but I am seeing these failings as his, not mine.

Although I still do feel somewhat responsible for things getting this far...he, too, is an adult and chose to allow me to pick up his slack all these years. I hope that the embarrassment is enough for DH to try to make a conscious effort to snap out of his self induced helplessness as well. I will pass on The Four Agreements to him once I've finished it.

CATHRYN REPLIES TO STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION:

Dear StengthandCompassion, Thanks for sharing your process with us. I'm hoping that you will re-frame your insights and that you will be true to your screen name with yourself. They weren't mistakes, in my mind, they were faulty beliefs that you are now seeing and can change. Can you look at your insights and revelations that way so you don't have to punish yourself in any way?

I believe that you were doing what you were conditioned to do as a child. True?
I believe that you were probably taught to fill in for others, in order to avoid getting in trouble. That you were probably raised by people who taught you what was good and bad and as a child you soaked it all in...because you had to in order to survive! You did the right thing then.

What you are seeing is that the strategies that you needed to adopt as a child, are now not only not helping you , but have, to some extent unknowingly imprisoned you compelling you to act in ways that you now see (yahoo) aren't helpful for you. This is the path that we all need to go through when our adult life circumstances are different from the childhood ones.

You're waking up!
You're seeing that you now have choices, where beforehand, you couldn't see that there was another way to do things and still feel like you were being a good, responsible, caring person. I bet you put your own well-being at risk many times for the sake of doing the right thing. I bet you put your relationship connection at risk by all the times you felt it was more important to think about what was right than to do what was going to make you or your DH feel good/better.

I say these things because this is what i did and what I've learned. It's why I was able to write "His Kids:His Call". This is a time where if you can practice the "Recognize, acknowledge, FORGIVE and Change" theory of emotional processing, you will see profound shifts and a whole new realm of emotional inner peace unfold before you. It is a tremendous accomplish possible because of your courage and willingness to see differently. Sometimes pain pushes up to this point of emotional transformation.

Yes, stepmothering (like mothering) and martryhood are close kin and it is easy to slip down that path. The good news is that you are seeing that now and that you can make new choices, as you already are, to honor your needs and feelings with the same genuine enthusiasm and kindness that you intended with your family at the beginning. I do understand the horror, the remorse, sickening feelings that occur when we wake up to our own role in our painful/enraging situations. This is a sign that your awakening is truly happening.

However, I can also assure you, that just like the pins and needles pain passes when we start to move a limb that has fallen asleep, it will pass and you will be awake and aware in ways that will make your feel more alive, more healthy, more loving and more your True Self, than ever before. In a way, this is a celebration of your great work. I know it is painful, oh my goodness I know AND (not or or but) it is just the beginning.

My coach Kit used to say, "nothing changes until you do." I like this for it implies I have some options, no matter what is bothering me. As you are waking up, seeing you have new choices, challenging some of your implanted childhood beliefs and creating new beliefs, your world is going to change before your eyes. Really! Keep watch!

While everyone around you may not change, those you choose to share your insights with are going to benefit AND be so glad for the shifts. There may be waves of anger, as you acknowledge how you treated others, and if you can give them your attention and compassion, recognizing that by witnessing their feelings, you are giving them the freedom to release them, it will pass.

While you may have been controlling your DH, trying to get him to do the right things, etc., you will see that you have probably been acting like his mother, treating him like a child and this project wreaks havoc on any intimate relationship (been there, felt this also). It stinks and for you two...it's over. Even if you find yourself falling back into an old habit, you can ask your DH to lovingly say, OK MOM, if he feels you have lost your footing and if you two agree to this, you can also say, "You need to be the adult here, so I can let this go."

There is so much to say here, I'm hitting some highlights in case you want to pursue this and/or just give you some ideas. I'm working on a new article "The pros and cons of Nagging" that will explain more on this topic. But just let me say that I understand why you did what you did. You do too, now and as you get more and more clear about your new set of belief about your role and your responsibilities to YOURSELF, not just others, you are going to get all kinds of ideas. It's like we grow up under a spell and sometimes it takes extreme pain/rage to break up out of the intense conditioning of our childhood. Is any of this making sense?

You're really doing great work.
This is the first day of the rest of your life and while you are in the "recognizing and acknowledging phase, please be conscious about being compassionately kind until you can forgive yourself. You've already paid dearly for the impact of your choices. I will hope that you can be gentle on yourself as you move into the Forgive and Change phases.

This is a hard process.
I'm here is you want to work more.
May you know that I'm only trying to support your process and that I have respect and admiration for your courage and honesty. You've opened up the possibility for a whole new future for yourself and those who love you. Those who do not love you, will just begin to experience you as someone unwilling to play in their "same old games" and eventually they'll find someone else to interact with. Stick to you guns on your new beliefs and boundaries, whatever they are as change upsets some people and they may try to get you back into your "Former" self.

You can do this! Bravo to you! A toast to you sister SMOM, Cathryn

STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION REPLIES TO CATHRYN:

Dear Cathryn,

I am allowing compassion for myself in my errors. I am mostly in awe with myself at how long I allowed this behavior to go on. I have always thought of myself as a very insightful person, and now I see that I was often only being insightful with the shortcomings of others and overlooking many of my own. I own this and do not feel sad or defeated over it, just that I know I do not wish to continue down that path.

I think a lot of my behaviors are actually a mirror of my father's actions. He was always overcompensating and trying to push my siblings and I to "do our best", all the while overlooking that he was really holding us back by making us feel as though any accomplishment was not good enough or only a result of HIS hard work to get us to that point. I see how I have done this to DH and other people in my life and am shocked at how I allowed this to happen. My parents are both chock full of their our "issues" and I have vowed that I will not be like them, but here I am, acting the same way I hated my father acting towards me. There are other factors to why I have pushed at my DH in this way. He certainly was neglecting lots of things in his life, and I thought I could "save" him from the stress and help him along as he navigated the stormy waters of his drawn out divorce. However, at some point I became so controlling over the life I had helped to create for us, that I was afraid to hand the wheel back over to him...so I didn't. He fought me on things here and there, but ultimately did not seem all too bothered to allow me to steer the ship. We have talked about this a lot lately and he wants to make changes as well. He knows it is unfair to expect me to do things and admits he has often intentionally let things go because he wasn't concerned of them not getting done; he knew I would take care of it. He knows this is equally as unhealthy and unfair to both of us as my actions have been. We are both hoping to move forward in a healthy, happier direction. We don't want our kids growing up seeing us bickering (or flat out ARGUING) all the time. It's not fair to anyone and it only creates an environment for the cycle we are in to be passed down to our children. Neither of us want that for our kids, we want them to have the best lives they can have and to grow up seeing a healthy relationship between adults. I feel confident and excited about the path I am heading down and what it can do for me and DH. I do feel slightly overwhelmed when I try to think about how to apply this to other "troubled" relationships in my life. Mostly because I feel DH has an unconditional love for me that others I have problems with currently do not. I am scared to even try to look at those relationships with clarity. I know that if I see my own faults in the issues I can and will work on them, but I am apprehensive to open up in this way to others, namely DH's family, as I do not feel that they will be open to true change. I know that I need to work on those feelings. That fear is only hurting me and holding me back.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, it is very much appreciated. I'm sure I will be posting more on my progress as time passes. I am very excited for this change in me and the good it can do for my family!

CATHRYN REPLIES TO STRENGTHANDCOMPASSION:

Dear Strengthandcompassion, I look forward to hearing all about your discoveries.

Your comment about your Dad makes me want to offer 2 ideas. One is that the "Drama of the Gifted Child is Really going to be helpful as you and DH are both consciously wanting to stop the unconscious programming and conditioning as you raise your kids-what lucky kids you have to have such aware and curiously eager for growth parents. Yay for you both.

The comment you made about your Dad also makes we want to ask, "Any chance he's a covert narcissist? What he did to you all growing up is called the "double message/double bind" and you can read a brief description about this dynamic on page 45-46 from "the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson. I think on Amazon you can read a few pages for free. This page, plus pages 8-9 will give you a sense of whether learning more about this will help you in your understanding of the crazy-making aspects of this kind of behavior.

What I found in my process, is that I didn't have to share too much with the others in my life. I changed in reaction to them and they began to change and/or shift almost immediately. You're right to be protective on your inner work. As you focus on your reactions and feelings about the things that you see and experience you will find common issues. Get clear about one issue and all the places in your life where this happens will shift-almost automatically.

In the Drama book, Dr. Miller talks about "the unconscious compulsion to repeat" as the description of what we do with we are unaware of what drives us. Good news? As we become conscious of what's driving us, we now see it and can make new decisions. It's a bit like when the doctor taps your bent knee. When you're not paying any attention, she hits is with that rubber thing and it bounces out. However, if you put your attention on your knee and keep hold it in place consciously bending it, it will not budge when tapped. Makes Sense?

While some people are NOT going to be open to change (especially any narcissists in your midst) people can react differently to newly set boundaries, not because they are interested in person growth or being more kind or responsible, but because you're going to have boundaries with consequences they don't like. (Like leaving the room, not returning a call, refusing to talk when they are yelling, etc.) There are lots of good ideas for new boundaries in the Narcissist book AND Anne Katherine's book, "Where to draw the line" is also very practical and clear in her real life examples. FYI

Lots of new energy is going to be freed up and I bet you're ready to be the recipient of your own loving attention.

All the Best, Cathryn

PS. There's a post at the top of Cathryn's mailbox section, "Got a narcissist in your life that has lots of excerpts from the Wizard of Oz and other narcissist book, in case that's something you're interested in.

KAJALABA WRITES:

I know something that helped me was a comment I read on here about how sometimes the way we related in our childhood affects how we deal with our spouses. I was the mother bear, having 5 younger siblings growing up, and was often praised for my ability to 'corral the troops'. I can be very goal oriented, and when I see a problem I rush in to fix it, and attempt to mobilize others in my attempts...basically, I'm bossy. DH has a very overbearing mother who he learned to deal with my ignoring her, or frustrating her to the point that she was just 'being crazy' so that he could justify ignoring her. He could never 'win' with her, and therefore felt he could never 'win' with me, so why try.

When I started to take these different childhood experiences into account, I began to see how I was triggering my DH to be resistant to me, and he was triggering me to turn into a crazy woman. Haha!
I have tried to take these things into consideration, and even talked to DH about them, calmly as a gentle discussion, not me telling him how it is.
I have seen such a change in him, probably partly as a result of my attempts to soften my own approach. He is like a new man, taking ownership and taking charge in the family, and no longer leaving the lion's share for me to do.

It's funny how such a simple little comment has affected our relationship positively in such a short time.
I know that I still have a lot to learn, and a lot of growing to do, but this small victory has made a world of difference in the level of peace and communication around our house. I feel like we're on the same team, and not just for the 2 weeks between blow-ups. It has been a wonderful process this last 6 months!

TRYINGTOOHARD WRITES:

I have been working on several aspects to "save my sanity." First, I've disengaged somewhat in what I do for SDs. I was purchasing a lot for them since SO is a full-time student and not working. When I would see that clothes I bought weren't coming back to our house, or how they would lose things or not put them away "decent," I decided I am not spending my money on those things if no one else is going to respect it. Now I just purchase basic things like panties, bras, socks. (You know, the stuff that's NEEDED and often eaten by the dryer! LOL) I also stopped doing their laundry because they were not making any attempt to put things where they go and I am not taking my time to clean their things with nothing in return. So now when they complain they don't have clean underwear or not enough of this or that, I tell them to talk to their father b/c he is in charge of it. (Just before this recent trip they left for yesterday, they were saying they don't have shorts or underwear or bras here. I pointed out to them how much I bought them for Christmas or birthdays and that I always made sure they had enough of those things to last their entire week with us and that if those things were not returned or were lost or left at grandma's, there's nothing I can do about it and they need to take it up with their parents. And how much did we find in the 2 loads of laundry that STILL had winter clothing in it that SO neglected? Yes, SO, you did not do their laundry so they don't have any underwear right now... duh!)

I'm also working on some resentment issues, trying to not let BM get to me or what she says to SO bother me (it's been a lot less since she's now in an almost 2year relationship ... but she is still rude to him). It's a daily struggle sometimes, and I often want to just step in and do everything for everyone but that doesn't keep me sane and I know it. I have to let some things go .…

MISSKISS WRITES:

WOW!!!

Strengthandcompassion...
I could have written your posts myself!
Cathryn could attest to that! Probably
seemed like de ja vu!
I too am now taking responsibility for the things
I have overcompensated for that have
now become expectations.
I also feel as if it's all a reflection on ME if things aren't
as they should be. or atleast how *I* think they should be.
I have allowed this to happen and am now trying
to rectify it. Many of my "obligations" are self inflicted.
I too am re reading "The Four Agreements" I struggle daily.
I do care what others think.
I do take things personally.

I am a work in progress but am trying really hard to
make some changes in order to restore some joy and
happiness into myself.
I don't like being a drained, bitter, stressed out person.

What is working? What has helped?
"His Kids/His Call". (Brilliant Cathryn!)
Going into this I never wanted to refer to my kids as
"step kids", I didn't want that stigma. I wanted to love and mother
them and be the fantasy happy little blended family.
I think part of me also wanted to show my DH how much better of
a woman I am than his ex, and how I could be all things
to all people, work fulltime, keep an immaculate house,
be an active mom to his kids, keep all of the
laundry done on a daily basis and still find time to
play board games, polish the kid's nails, read them books,
take them on bike rides, make crafts with them, and whatever else they decided
they wanted me to do with them AFTER work and AFTER dinner.
My reality is that these are NOT my kids.
I do NOT owe them every free second of MY life.
I raised my kid and I sacrificed for her...
but these girls have a mom and a dad...
it's THEIR responsibility to give up their
free time and every shred of energy and patience they
have...not MINE.

I am allowed to say no, and why shouldn't I?
I didn't because I didn't feel it was right.
Kids deserve interaction and attention.
Someone needs to do these things for them, and
their dad isn't budging...so that leaves ME.
WRONG.
I am not their sole entertainment and caregiver.
WHEW!!!
It took a lot to get me to this point...
but how they turn out isn't MY problem.
I can't teach them or discipline them if their parents
aren't on board.
I also can't be the only one knocking myself out trying
to do what is best for them...
they aren't MINE.
I know that seems so harsh, but it's reality.
They have a mom, and no matter what, she is their mom.
They do love me and I am grateful for that, but she will
always trump me no matter how much I do and how little she does.

There is a lot more "go ask your dad" or "have your dad help you"
going on around
our house. Also, when the kids ask ME to play
a game with them...I make him do it too. He is
the one that had kids...he is the one that fought
for 50% custody...so why shouldn't he be the one
actively raising HIS kids? This isn't MY job!

Also, Cathryn once told me "You Are Not a Tree"...
what a statement!!
I can move!
I apply this in so many situations now...
it really helps.
It can be a tiny thing like SD whining...
I leave the room.
SD hanging all over me when I need
personal space...
I leave the room.
SD throwing a huge fit and DH is not handling
it like I would...
I leave the house.
The kids are fighting and driving me crazy...
I leave the house.
This all goes out the window when I left home alone
with the skids.
I am trying to minimize those times...DH still
doesn't realize that I am not his built in nanny.
He is still scheduling things one days we have the kids.
I alwys speak up now...
instead of just harboring "how dare he"...I flat out tell him!
It should not be an expectation that I am
going to be available to watch HIS kids.
I still have a hard time seeming so cold and heartless
saying HIS kids...they were OUR kids...but I was doing his
share, BM's share and MY share...
which, truth be told I don't have a share in the decisions...
so why do I have such a large share of the responsibility?
I told him this.

I do have some small victories...
just not as consistant as I would like.
I am in control though, and I am the one that needs
to make that happen.
I have started ignoring BM more.
I think I need to view her as "business"...
nothing personal, just business.
I am a work in progress...but I do love my husband and
I do want to be with him!!


ROSE WRITES:
Gosh... Everything I've learned on this forum has been wonderful.

His Kids His Call helps me be there to listen and brainstorm with him (since there is no BM) but yet I can let go of his decision. And of his kids reaction to it. (This is hard but I'm practicing!)

The Respect List that Evil triggered us to publish on our fridge really helped. There are issues of disrepect all the time - I can let it go through me and out as I mark down $1 on the chart! I don't internalize it anymore.

"No is a complete sentance" - Wow!

His Kids - His responsibility - I don't feel the need to go with them back-to-school shopping anymore. That's DHs responsibility.

My chiropractor just gave me a good conflict response. I was telling him about the confict I live with everyday raising the Skids myself while DH works second shift and how different they are - agressive, abuse, loud - I'm more of a talk it out, pause, think about it, fix it person - Its just a fact that two of the skids don't want me - they want their mom. Anyway he said "When conflict occurs - say to yourself 'God bless you, I love you, peace, be still'." This works wonders - I say it to Rose over and over - to center myself. And it seems to work so far. Instead of standing there shaking with anger disgust and resentment.

Um... venting on this forum has done wonders to help me find out that I'm not going crazy - that other smoms have felt or do feel the same way has been awesome. And also reading how they coped and handled things helps me to try new different things too.

Your book references - Four Agreements, Gifted Child, Oz... all have given me insights into myself and my reactions.

Your suggestion to look at Change itself as positive progress - knowing that I'll be trying new and different things and they'll either work or not but the actual TRYING of them is what makes progress. Not doing everything perfectly and figureing out things the first time. "Trying new things" IS perfect because it's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I say every morning "Calm my mind and fill my heart with Acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness and love until it overflows onto those around me." I try to picture the light of those filling me up and pouring out of my heart. This helps me start each day. It doesn't make driving home from work to those skids any easier but it does reset my day when i repeat it. I just want those 'fruits' to spill onto those kids instead of internalizing the angst.

My biggest goal right now is ACCEPTANCE. This is the hardest thing for me. My life is my life right now. Trying to find joy in the moment is a goal.

Self-care - just taking Monday as Rose's Day helps... and now that I'm training for a full marathon it's Mondays and Tuesdays - I don't cook I don't check on chores I don't do anything except what I need to do for Rose. Then on Wed, Thu and Fri my Bson is home so I do dinner and chore followup but that feels more like family to me.

Oh a BIG ONE - Let go of the skid issues and focus on DH/Rose's relationship. Since I read the Smom's advice on that - I always just try to do what I think will be best for our relationship. OK - so maybe he'll feel absolutely lost doing back to school shopping alone with his boys and might resent that I don't help him. OK - if it's good for our relationship I might just do it! Not because I want to be super-Smom but because I love DH and he needs me there! Plus - maybe I can get a new ankle bracelet or necklace out of the deal.

Wow! If I look at myself now versus February I am a different woman. Still crazy and gripping the rollercoaster handle with all my might but I'm so much better - if that makes sense.

I am filled with gratitude for the smoms' willingness to share. I absolutely would not be able to do this without you!

Thank you all! I love you!
Rose

MOTHERLYLOVE WRITES:

"Sounds about right" helped me when BM brought the cell phone to SD at church on my birthday. Someone finally pointed it out and yep, that's just something she would do, pretty sure SD told her it was my bday when she talked to her on the phone earlier that day. Luckily the phone didn't work at our house, NO signal! K it turned out to really be a victory in the end.

"Lovingly ignore" I always do this anyway if needed for my sanity with all(4) of the kids. Sometimes you just don't hear those little buggers. 

Also SD and DD really ticked us both off and I actually sat on it all day long and waited for him to get home to deal with it. I stood there mostly and it was nice to see the flame in his eyes instead of ME having to do that. Some satisfaction I may say, even though DH wasn't too happy about having to deal with something that made him so mad.

p.s. those girls will never do anything like that again, he didn't touch them or even really ground them, he just scared them a bit I think lol You know how WE can flip sometimes.. hehe and DH is LOUDER!

"Give and Take" I guess that was a bit of forced give and take, when I took care of the kids all day but "gave" him the chance to punish them when he got home that one day. Right? lol I don't know about that one.
I felt better, especially when he didn't even ask me or talk to me about SD being there for those 2 weeks(not in a row) that SD came. It's just SURPRISE! And he had to work....

"His kid His call" He was late on ordering SDs 13th bday gift but luckily it got here before she had to leave that week. Still....he didn't have it when she got here the day after her birthday. It was ok though.

PS: Isn't the statement, "Go ask your Dad", the best thing on earth? 

My ILS are my closest neighbor too. Luckily, the kids don't have permission to just run over there any time they like. Our 3 bios are not allowed to do that and so that is the same rule for SD. They would never eat real food here if they could run to Grandma's anytime they wanted because they go over there and eat nothing but JUNK. DS11 came home sick from eating tons of nuts at ILS house Saturday. I was gone to that baby shower, DH had allowed him to go to his Grandmother's home and then we have a sick kid to deal with. I wanted to slap them both! As much as Grandma acts like she loves those kids to pieces, she sure doesn't care much about their health....

Anyway, just letting you know that I feel your pain there. ILS can be as bad as BM at times!

MISSMO WRITES:

Hi everyone!

Wow! Where to start? I have benefitted so much from this group... My stress level is way down, and I like myself so much more than I used to. Here are a few victories for me.

Lovingly Ignore - I think this would apply to the boys bedrooms, and even their bathroom... I used to get so worked up over this. These boys are so messy. My blood pressure would go up every time I had to put their laundry away! I have tried every stratagy that I could think of to help them keep their rooms clean and to learn how to put their clothes away properly. Nothing worked. This one thing alone would put me in a bad mood the whole week.

So now, I am trying something different. I do not open their doors. I go in their rooms only once after they leave on Fridays and I gather all their dirty laundry. Then I wash it all up. I fold it neatly and place it in the basket. I do not touch the basket the rest of the week.

On the next friday when the boys come home, I get DH to help me make sure they put their clothes away in the their drawers and/or hung in their closet instead of thrown on the floor (or back in the dirty clothes hamper :rolleyes.

Then, I don't worry about their rooms. As long as they keep the door shut so the dog can't get in their and get into something she shouldn't, then I don't care. The only thing I do is the laundry. The rest is not my problem! I lovingly ignore their messes.

As far as BM goes... Well, she still does a lot of things that I don't like. BUT I am learning to stop caring. I have actually gotten to the place where I can go with DH to pick ups and have a civil conversation with her. I still do not communicate with her regarding anything having to do with the boys. I let DH do all that. He doesn't like it sometimes, because he hates having to be the "go between"... but this has been working really well. I think we are all happier than we would be otherwise.

His Kids, His Call... This mentality has helped me in a lot of ways too. Like for instance, I do not believe in letting ADHD kids have coffee and donuts for breakfast! My ILS however, give it to the boys all the time, and DH doesn't care. I used to get so worked up about this too! I mean, this is NOT good for the boys, in my opinion. They are already hyped up enough. They don't need that caffeine and sugar for BREAKFAST! They need something substantial.

Well, DH would tell the ILS not to give it to the boys, but they didn't listen... (You see, they are our neighbors and the boys run over there almost every morning.) and DH didn't put his foot down. He just doesn't see any problem with it. So... His kids, his call... I let it go. This goes hand in hand with their eating habits in general. I stopped being concerned about if they cleaned their plates. And amazingly enough, they are eating soo much better and are actually gaining weight! 

Also with his kids, his call, anytime the boys come to me requesting permission for something, I send them to their dad. This has relieved a lot of stress too...

I still have a LOT of things to work on... But wow! What a difference. 


JLB82 WRITES:

I think one of the best things I've learned on this board is to put things into perspective. I don't like my BM. I don't like a lot of the decisions my BM makes. However, do I have the worst BM out there? Most definitely not. I've learned to be grateful that BM is not hostile to me. I've learned to be grateful that my SS3 is not abused (dirty, dressed in shabby mismatched clothes, and fed on junk food, yes, hit and put into dangerous situations, no). I would change a lot about the situation if I could, but it's good to remember that it could be worse.

I'm also working on the “his kid/his call” & his responsibility aspect of things. I've stopped picking up SS3's room every time he leaves. I've stopped caring that he watches TV 24/7. I've resisted the urge to go out and buy lots of extras for SS3. It's SO's responsibility to buy clothes, toys, etc. It's hard for me to do this. As so many other women have commented on, I struggle with my childhood responses. Most of my life I've been the responsible one, the good one, the one that didn't need to be worried about. My sister had a LOT of psychological problems growing up, and as a result my mom's focus was completely on her (rightly because she did require care, but also because I feel Mom likes to play the victim "poor me, my little girl has sooooo many problems"). I spent my teen years walking on eggshells, because I didn't want the situation around me to go violent. Once I became an adult, I overcompensated for the situation by controlling EVERYTHING around me. It's hard to recognize that my SO is a responsible adult who will do the best he can; it might not always be my way BUT he will take care of it.

PS I absolutely agree with MotherlyLove about the “Go ask your Dad!”]]> <![CDATA[3 yr old SS crying all the time!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33516 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 22:10:19 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33516 I have a 7 year old son that I have most of the time and he has a 3 year old son that we have every Wed and every other weekend. For awhile things seemed fine, we went through the typical transitions that most blended families go through.

For the last 6 months however we’re stuck in a horrible cycle with my ss. He cries over everything, most often if he isn't getting what he wants whether that be his fathers undivided attention or to watch tv or bought something. He asks often to go to his mother’s and does not want to be with us at all.

We make sure that he has one-on-one time with his father but this has escalated to a point where that doesn't even matter. We feel we’ve tried everything and are going to a counsellor for the two of us next week. I’m desperate for suggestions on what to try as we feel we’ve tried everything.

My bf is near his breaking point and often feels like giving up and taking him to his mothers which would end in him never having a relationship with his son again (she would take every opportunity to brain wash my sson that his father didn't want him etc...) but this is destroying our whole family.

It effects everyone in the family not just my sson when he starts crying. Please help.

Thankful for your site. D

CATHRYN’S REPLY:

Hi D, Well nothing like a crying child to pull on every raw nerve. It’s also so frustrating when you are trying to do everything you can possibly do for the child and it is still not working. I bet you and your DH have felt like crying yourselves. I know I certainly did many times.

By the time you read this, you will have been to the counsellor and I’m hopeful that you feel good about the advice you are getting. That will certainly help. With a child this young, there are going to be a lot of issues, even if the bio-mom is the greatest mom in the world, the child is still very young to be separated from his mother, if connecting with his dad and you is not giving him the comfort he needs.

As I’m sure you are aware, there are SOOOO many issues that could be contributing to his behaviors and getting some expert input on how to delineate between true needs and the natural manipulations of a child is going to be a big help. I don’t consider myself qualified to give you advice about what to do for this situation as I’m not a child psychologist.

Perhaps I can offer you some support while you and DH work on helping his son.
Can you find ways to get you and your son out of the fray of the tantrums? So often the squeaky wheel tactic of attention getting does wear on everyone else in the house even with the best intentions. Whatever you can do to help yourself and your son, hold on to your well-being is going to reduce the collateral damage of his distress-filled behaviors.

When my stepson was 8 & 9 his bio-mom had 2 more sons (14-months apart). My ss, became more and more anxious being away from his mothers (he was anxious already but became inconsolable). We talked with 3-4 psychologists and sadly for us, got all the same replies. WE weren’t able to assuage his anxiety, his need for his mom was up, was threatened because of the needs of two other babies in her care, etc. My husband made the excruciating decision to reduce time with him (with rights reserved to go back to 50/50). It was the right thing for his son and it did make things better for awhile. I believe there’s no one way to do these things. As I write this, I pray that you’re coming up with some options that feel, deep in your gut, like the best thing for your ss.

Are you registered on the Bulletin Board so you can get all kinds of TLC from other women, along with any advice and experience from them? Please do so if that feels like the right thing for you. I wish you all the courage and insight you need at this time.

Yours Truly, Cathryn]]> I have a 7 year old son that I have most of the time and he has a 3 year old son that we have every Wed and every other weekend. For awhile things seemed fine, we went through the typical transitions that most blended families go through.

For the last 6 months however we’re stuck in a horrible cycle with my ss. He cries over everything, most often if he isn't getting what he wants whether that be his fathers undivided attention or to watch tv or bought something. He asks often to go to his mother’s and does not want to be with us at all.

We make sure that he has one-on-one time with his father but this has escalated to a point where that doesn't even matter. We feel we’ve tried everything and are going to a counsellor for the two of us next week. I’m desperate for suggestions on what to try as we feel we’ve tried everything.

My bf is near his breaking point and often feels like giving up and taking him to his mothers which would end in him never having a relationship with his son again (she would take every opportunity to brain wash my sson that his father didn't want him etc...) but this is destroying our whole family.

It effects everyone in the family not just my sson when he starts crying. Please help.

Thankful for your site. D

CATHRYN’S REPLY:

Hi D, Well nothing like a crying child to pull on every raw nerve. It’s also so frustrating when you are trying to do everything you can possibly do for the child and it is still not working. I bet you and your DH have felt like crying yourselves. I know I certainly did many times.

By the time you read this, you will have been to the counsellor and I’m hopeful that you feel good about the advice you are getting. That will certainly help. With a child this young, there are going to be a lot of issues, even if the bio-mom is the greatest mom in the world, the child is still very young to be separated from his mother, if connecting with his dad and you is not giving him the comfort he needs.

As I’m sure you are aware, there are SOOOO many issues that could be contributing to his behaviors and getting some expert input on how to delineate between true needs and the natural manipulations of a child is going to be a big help. I don’t consider myself qualified to give you advice about what to do for this situation as I’m not a child psychologist.

Perhaps I can offer you some support while you and DH work on helping his son.
Can you find ways to get you and your son out of the fray of the tantrums? So often the squeaky wheel tactic of attention getting does wear on everyone else in the house even with the best intentions. Whatever you can do to help yourself and your son, hold on to your well-being is going to reduce the collateral damage of his distress-filled behaviors.

When my stepson was 8 & 9 his bio-mom had 2 more sons (14-months apart). My ss, became more and more anxious being away from his mothers (he was anxious already but became inconsolable). We talked with 3-4 psychologists and sadly for us, got all the same replies. WE weren’t able to assuage his anxiety, his need for his mom was up, was threatened because of the needs of two other babies in her care, etc. My husband made the excruciating decision to reduce time with him (with rights reserved to go back to 50/50). It was the right thing for his son and it did make things better for awhile. I believe there’s no one way to do these things. As I write this, I pray that you’re coming up with some options that feel, deep in your gut, like the best thing for your ss.

Are you registered on the Bulletin Board so you can get all kinds of TLC from other women, along with any advice and experience from them? Please do so if that feels like the right thing for you. I wish you all the courage and insight you need at this time.

Yours Truly, Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[DH finds out he has a daughter-I feel terrible]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33515 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 20:55:42 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33515
I find my self in a spot that makes me feel " Like I'm the only one in the World" going through this...

Just heard in January of this year 2012 from the woman who was in a relationship with the man who now is my husband since 2003 that she’s calling him to ask him for support for a child he and her had in 2001 . He was aware that she was pregnant and came to his house and wanting to fix their relationship by asking or telling him to marry her at the time when the child was born.

When he refused she vanished taking the child and never communicating with him till now. The DNA test has not been done YET , tomorrow I’m going to look for the Clinic to set an appointment but so very confused .

I'm in a jealous point that I wish this was never true. My husband and I have not been able to have children of our own because I had a hysterectomy before we got married. I have two sons of my own from a previous marriage .

Yesterday she called him and threatened to take him to court for payment. She called him in the beginning saying she thought it was only fair that he pay her $50 week . But some weeks are slow and work is not very productive (we are self employed) and I'm guessing she thinks we are raking in money left and right. My husband is YET to see her (his so called daughter) and has been sending her money every week or every other week.

My husband says he wants to see her and take care of her, so he could make up for all these years he has missed out on her life. The child has no idea who her father really is yet because the mother of the child thinks she needs to go to a psychologist first so she will not be traumatized or hate her for not telling the truth. But this bio-mom wants my husband to pay for it since it’s his obligation ( In which way ? I have NO idea.)

There are moments I get very upset and wish to leave him, just because he’s on cloud nine that he has a daughter. I don't know what to do.

Signed, Confused

CATHRYN’S REPLY:

Dear Confused,

I sure can understand how upsetting this news is, as well as the shock of getting the news in the first place. It’s quite a “curve ball.” I’m not sure from your letter as to whether you knew (or not) about the existence of this child. If not, then you’ve had a heck of a giant shock all at once. I’m so sorry for how all this is hurting you.

Whenever we experience a sudden emotional jolt, it’s a very good thing to suspend making any major decisions until you have a chance to catch your breath and get back on your emotional feet again. It’s very understandable that you would be upset. Most, if not all stepmoms understand some level of feeling jealous, envious and/or angry at the women who’ve had a child with the man we love.

If you want to join our (now private) bulletin board, I believe you will get a lot of support and compassion for your situation. Feeling like you want to leave him also seems like a reaction to the rushing emotions...especially if you didn’t know about this child or situation. Seeing him, his attentions and his enthusiasm pulled towards this unknown child while he is being “ordered” around by a former lover is going to upset most of us so I hope that you are getting lots of support from your friends at this time.

There are going to be lots of decisions to make.
Is there any way you can get some therapeutic support to help you with all the emotions that have and are going to come up for you?
Is your husband showing you the compassion that you need from him?
Does he know how you feel about all this?
Can there be a space created so that you can feel included in what is going to happen going forward?
If you wanted another child with this man (but couldn’t because of your surgery) then there’s bound to be a lot of grief that will arise, seeing him share a child with another woman. This is all very understandably upsetting.

Whether to leave him or not?
That’s certainly an option for you IF that’s what you want.
My recommendation would be to take action to support your feelings, your needs, your wounds from this shocking news BEFORE you make any lasting relationship decision. Ideally you want to be your wise, grounded, strong self whenever you make such an important decision.

If you need space, can you go visiting for a day or 2 or three?
This is certainly a game changer and a life changer for both of you (all 3 of you, if we include the child.) Is there room in your heart for this child? Do you have any interest in getting to know her with your DH?

This is a hard situation and sadly I can’t offer you much more than more questions to consider and the plea to take the time and get the support you need until you feel settled, grounded, connected to what you really want and need going forward.

I found, over my last 16 years as a SMOM, that many things occurred which kicked up unhealed emotional wounds from my past. Once I embraced whatever was happening in my life, as a chance to get curious about how and why it was effecting me in this way or that, I began to learn so much about myself and what I needed to give to myself (support, kindness, approval, freedom of expression, freedom to grieve, be bitter, feel whatever I did). This can become a powerful transformation process for you...or not. Sometimes things happen and we just know what we have to do.

You are welcome to register for the Bulletin board (if not already) to get all kinds of support from sister stepmoms. I wish you lots of healing and support so you can get to a place of feeling good about your situation.

Cathryn]]>
I find my self in a spot that makes me feel " Like I'm the only one in the World" going through this...

Just heard in January of this year 2012 from the woman who was in a relationship with the man who now is my husband since 2003 that she’s calling him to ask him for support for a child he and her had in 2001 . He was aware that she was pregnant and came to his house and wanting to fix their relationship by asking or telling him to marry her at the time when the child was born.

When he refused she vanished taking the child and never communicating with him till now. The DNA test has not been done YET , tomorrow I’m going to look for the Clinic to set an appointment but so very confused .

I'm in a jealous point that I wish this was never true. My husband and I have not been able to have children of our own because I had a hysterectomy before we got married. I have two sons of my own from a previous marriage .

Yesterday she called him and threatened to take him to court for payment. She called him in the beginning saying she thought it was only fair that he pay her $50 week . But some weeks are slow and work is not very productive (we are self employed) and I'm guessing she thinks we are raking in money left and right. My husband is YET to see her (his so called daughter) and has been sending her money every week or every other week.

My husband says he wants to see her and take care of her, so he could make up for all these years he has missed out on her life. The child has no idea who her father really is yet because the mother of the child thinks she needs to go to a psychologist first so she will not be traumatized or hate her for not telling the truth. But this bio-mom wants my husband to pay for it since it’s his obligation ( In which way ? I have NO idea.)

There are moments I get very upset and wish to leave him, just because he’s on cloud nine that he has a daughter. I don't know what to do.

Signed, Confused

CATHRYN’S REPLY:

Dear Confused,

I sure can understand how upsetting this news is, as well as the shock of getting the news in the first place. It’s quite a “curve ball.” I’m not sure from your letter as to whether you knew (or not) about the existence of this child. If not, then you’ve had a heck of a giant shock all at once. I’m so sorry for how all this is hurting you.

Whenever we experience a sudden emotional jolt, it’s a very good thing to suspend making any major decisions until you have a chance to catch your breath and get back on your emotional feet again. It’s very understandable that you would be upset. Most, if not all stepmoms understand some level of feeling jealous, envious and/or angry at the women who’ve had a child with the man we love.

If you want to join our (now private) bulletin board, I believe you will get a lot of support and compassion for your situation. Feeling like you want to leave him also seems like a reaction to the rushing emotions...especially if you didn’t know about this child or situation. Seeing him, his attentions and his enthusiasm pulled towards this unknown child while he is being “ordered” around by a former lover is going to upset most of us so I hope that you are getting lots of support from your friends at this time.

There are going to be lots of decisions to make.
Is there any way you can get some therapeutic support to help you with all the emotions that have and are going to come up for you?
Is your husband showing you the compassion that you need from him?
Does he know how you feel about all this?
Can there be a space created so that you can feel included in what is going to happen going forward?
If you wanted another child with this man (but couldn’t because of your surgery) then there’s bound to be a lot of grief that will arise, seeing him share a child with another woman. This is all very understandably upsetting.

Whether to leave him or not?
That’s certainly an option for you IF that’s what you want.
My recommendation would be to take action to support your feelings, your needs, your wounds from this shocking news BEFORE you make any lasting relationship decision. Ideally you want to be your wise, grounded, strong self whenever you make such an important decision.

If you need space, can you go visiting for a day or 2 or three?
This is certainly a game changer and a life changer for both of you (all 3 of you, if we include the child.) Is there room in your heart for this child? Do you have any interest in getting to know her with your DH?

This is a hard situation and sadly I can’t offer you much more than more questions to consider and the plea to take the time and get the support you need until you feel settled, grounded, connected to what you really want and need going forward.

I found, over my last 16 years as a SMOM, that many things occurred which kicked up unhealed emotional wounds from my past. Once I embraced whatever was happening in my life, as a chance to get curious about how and why it was effecting me in this way or that, I began to learn so much about myself and what I needed to give to myself (support, kindness, approval, freedom of expression, freedom to grieve, be bitter, feel whatever I did). This can become a powerful transformation process for you...or not. Sometimes things happen and we just know what we have to do.

You are welcome to register for the Bulletin board (if not already) to get all kinds of support from sister stepmoms. I wish you lots of healing and support so you can get to a place of feeling good about your situation.

Cathryn]]> <![CDATA[MissCloClo's List]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33510 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 15:33:20 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33510 1 stepdaughter aged 6, no bio-kids yet.

I know three important things I will try to do differently in the future are:

1. Do not take the things that a baby, child, teen says personally. I AM THE ADULT AFTERALL. I am still struggling with this very much, but I know that I have to get over it! It hurts so bad when all week in Disney all my SD wanted was to share the experience with her BM. Send her pictures, buy her souveniers, call her to tell her about the cool stuff, etc... I have to be able to put myself in her little innoccent shoes and realize that it is her mom. My own mom is my best friend in the world next to my husband so I first and foremost should try to be more understanding of this and not let it break my heart everytime she forgets about me on mothers day (which is coming up and I can't help but have my feeligns already swirlign with hurt). I am not and never will be her mom no matter how close of relationship she and I have together. I will always be second and her mom can never do wrong. I just need to figure out how to cope with this and let myself move on. Should I
disconnect from SD some?

2. Try to put myself in BM shoes. Despite her bad mistakes it must really hard to give over some of your child's love to another "woman" (me). This is either really big of her or she just likes having her weeks off to party... lol! Sorry I couldn't help mtself there : ) noting wrong with a little harmless BM teasing! Anyway, I do not have any children of my own flesh and blood yet, but I can tell you my mama bear insticts would definitely kick in if any other woman tried to insert themselves into the lives of my children. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this would be for me. It may be very hard and hurtful for her and from woman to woman ex or not, I can understand this feeling. (On our Disney trip she called to tell SD that her and the boyfriend, who 2 days earlier was abusive and she was moving out, had bought a puppy and was waiting for SD to get home. Of course this distracted from the fun we were having as a family. BM kept requesting pictures from
my husband, who by the way is amazing and always handles the situation with the utmost respect for me even if he doesn't always understand what it feels like to be a stepmom - he tries!, which brings me to my next point...

3. Your relationship must come first and I believe this is true for ALL families. One thing my husband and I have always had was TRUE, PASSIONATE LOVE and MUTUAL RESPECT for one another. Him being a father or having a small child was never a reason to be together or not to be together (although I did have strong reservations in the begginning being that he was the first man I had ever dated with a child, he was never mariied to BM). We didn't want to play family or house. We genuinely enjoy one another's companionship. We make each other laugh all the time and always take the time to figure out and work through problems (not that this is always easy). We love each other first and foremost. I remember there was a woman (on Oprah, maybe?) who had written an article saying that she loved her husband more than she loved her children. I can honestly say I get it! I know my husband loves me more than his daughter, in a different way of course, and though this may sound ab
surd to some of you, and maybe I will change my mind once I have children, though I doubt it, I think this strong loves reflects onto our daughter and she feels apart of a tightly bonded family team where her misscloclo or mamaclo or mama2 and daddy have her best interest.

***The only thing I regret at this point and am seeking help for is trying not to reveal too much information to the child. They are after all children and though kids in these situations often are not as shielded from grown up issues, we should try harder. She does NOT need to worry about some of the things that come up both from our side and BM's side. It is not fair to her and I truly feel awful for some of things that have been said in her presence. She deserves a lot of credit for taking all this STUFF at such a young age. I cannot even imagine what her little head and heart go through. Guilt for loving me?***

4. Also, I know I need to try to give up the control. I need to not try to give her what her mom can't or won't. I am afraid she is starting to resent me because I am a good person and she is starting to be old enough to see some of her mother's careless and irresponsible ways. She is starting to wonder why I can give her love and support and her mom cannot. She will always root for the underdog and I am not one, never have been, and never will. I have to not want to be the underdog just to gain her love.

5. And lastly, I need to let me husband discipline her more than I do. I was raised in a strict, but very loving household and I want to raise my kids this way. He fully agrees as he had a very unstable childhood and wants nothing but to offer the opposite for his little mini-him. But he also has a very fun and funny personality and sometimes allows me to do all the "work" because it comes more natural for me and I believe it is why she has blossomed into such a warm, respectful, polite little girl... I almost feel like it might be the calm before the storm - YIKES TEEN YEARS and PUBERTY!!! Is this too good to be true!!!

I am so glad I came across this site and hope to evolve and mature.]]> 1 stepdaughter aged 6, no bio-kids yet.

I know three important things I will try to do differently in the future are:

1. Do not take the things that a baby, child, teen says personally. I AM THE ADULT AFTERALL. I am still struggling with this very much, but I know that I have to get over it! It hurts so bad when all week in Disney all my SD wanted was to share the experience with her BM. Send her pictures, buy her souveniers, call her to tell her about the cool stuff, etc... I have to be able to put myself in her little innoccent shoes and realize that it is her mom. My own mom is my best friend in the world next to my husband so I first and foremost should try to be more understanding of this and not let it break my heart everytime she forgets about me on mothers day (which is coming up and I can't help but have my feeligns already swirlign with hurt). I am not and never will be her mom no matter how close of relationship she and I have together. I will always be second and her mom can never do wrong. I just need to figure out how to cope with this and let myself move on. Should I
disconnect from SD some?

2. Try to put myself in BM shoes. Despite her bad mistakes it must really hard to give over some of your child's love to another "woman" (me). This is either really big of her or she just likes having her weeks off to party... lol! Sorry I couldn't help mtself there : ) noting wrong with a little harmless BM teasing! Anyway, I do not have any children of my own flesh and blood yet, but I can tell you my mama bear insticts would definitely kick in if any other woman tried to insert themselves into the lives of my children. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this would be for me. It may be very hard and hurtful for her and from woman to woman ex or not, I can understand this feeling. (On our Disney trip she called to tell SD that her and the boyfriend, who 2 days earlier was abusive and she was moving out, had bought a puppy and was waiting for SD to get home. Of course this distracted from the fun we were having as a family. BM kept requesting pictures from
my husband, who by the way is amazing and always handles the situation with the utmost respect for me even if he doesn't always understand what it feels like to be a stepmom - he tries!, which brings me to my next point...

3. Your relationship must come first and I believe this is true for ALL families. One thing my husband and I have always had was TRUE, PASSIONATE LOVE and MUTUAL RESPECT for one another. Him being a father or having a small child was never a reason to be together or not to be together (although I did have strong reservations in the begginning being that he was the first man I had ever dated with a child, he was never mariied to BM). We didn't want to play family or house. We genuinely enjoy one another's companionship. We make each other laugh all the time and always take the time to figure out and work through problems (not that this is always easy). We love each other first and foremost. I remember there was a woman (on Oprah, maybe?) who had written an article saying that she loved her husband more than she loved her children. I can honestly say I get it! I know my husband loves me more than his daughter, in a different way of course, and though this may sound ab
surd to some of you, and maybe I will change my mind once I have children, though I doubt it, I think this strong loves reflects onto our daughter and she feels apart of a tightly bonded family team where her misscloclo or mamaclo or mama2 and daddy have her best interest.

***The only thing I regret at this point and am seeking help for is trying not to reveal too much information to the child. They are after all children and though kids in these situations often are not as shielded from grown up issues, we should try harder. She does NOT need to worry about some of the things that come up both from our side and BM's side. It is not fair to her and I truly feel awful for some of things that have been said in her presence. She deserves a lot of credit for taking all this STUFF at such a young age. I cannot even imagine what her little head and heart go through. Guilt for loving me?***

4. Also, I know I need to try to give up the control. I need to not try to give her what her mom can't or won't. I am afraid she is starting to resent me because I am a good person and she is starting to be old enough to see some of her mother's careless and irresponsible ways. She is starting to wonder why I can give her love and support and her mom cannot. She will always root for the underdog and I am not one, never have been, and never will. I have to not want to be the underdog just to gain her love.

5. And lastly, I need to let me husband discipline her more than I do. I was raised in a strict, but very loving household and I want to raise my kids this way. He fully agrees as he had a very unstable childhood and wants nothing but to offer the opposite for his little mini-him. But he also has a very fun and funny personality and sometimes allows me to do all the "work" because it comes more natural for me and I believe it is why she has blossomed into such a warm, respectful, polite little girl... I almost feel like it might be the calm before the storm - YIKES TEEN YEARS and PUBERTY!!! Is this too good to be true!!!

I am so glad I came across this site and hope to evolve and mature.]]> <![CDATA[Evilstepmother's List]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33509 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 15:17:17 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33509
Quick background - started dating my DH 10 years ago in Fall 2002. His boys turned 9 and 12 just before I met them that fall. We got engaged in late summer 2004, married in May 2005. At the time we were dating and engaged, both boys lived with BM - 40 minutes away from me. DH moved in with me when we got engaged (I owned, he rented at the time). The intent was for us to get married, then we'd find a new "us" house after the wedding was out of the way. That didn't happen because as soon as we got home from our honeymoon, OSS (by then 14), was out of control and BM threw him out and I became a full time CP SMOM. (Literally RIGHT after we got home from our honeymoon - the next day).

So, I was a newlywed, a CP SMOM and an NCP SMOM all at the same time. It was a lot of pressure immediately and there was a lot of drama surrounding the transition for OSS.

There is a lot that I could write about ALL of what went on - but for brevity's sake - here's truly what I learned now that I'm 10 years into this relationship, 7 years into the marriage....

1) I would ABSOLUTELY marry this man again. In a heartbeat.

2) Everything starts and ends with respect. Think about all of your complaints - and ask yourself, are you being treated with respect. Think about your DH/SO - are you treating him with respect (or her - I just got done dinner with a friend who is a stepmom in a same-sex marriage - the issues are generally the same).

Everything - EVERYTHING - revolves around respect. Are you cleaning up after kids old enough to be able to clean up after themselves? Or a man who ought to clean up after himself? Why? Why do they believe that someone ELSE should clean up after them? That is disrespectful. Teenage skids that roll their eyes? Disrespectful. Are you being disrespectful to the skids? Really ask yourself that. I know that at times, I certainly was less than respectfull to OSS.

3) Your SO is in a tough spot. Think about it. Let's assume he loves you with all of his heart. Let's also assume he loves his kids with all of his heart (because really - would you be with a guy who DIDN'T love his kids)? So he loves them, and he loves you, and you and the skids are his whole world. It hurts him when the skids and you don't get along. Quite often they assume that everyone that they love automatically will love each other. "If I love "A", and I love "B", then "A" SHOULD love "B"." Yeah. Doesn't work that way. I don't know how to fix that - but understanding the tough spot your SO is in helps a bit.

4) The best thing I ever did with respect to dealing with a challenging teenager was to stop being overly invested making sure he was doing what he "should" be doing. Instead - if he didn't do what was required of him, he got a consequence. He knew he'd get the consequence. He knew what the consequence would be when he chose to not do what he was supposed to do. I stopped getting emotionally wrapped up in making sure he did what he was supposed to do, and just handed him the consequence that he essentially asked for.

5) Making things easy for kids is NOT helping them. It is undermining their abilities to problem solve and become functional adults. Having said that - other than telling your SO this, then stepping aside if they decide to help anyway, there's nothing you can do about it. Stop worrying that the kid won't become a functional adult- it's not your fault nor is it your responsibility.

6) Boundaries are vital for everyone. The old adage "good fences make good neighbors" is all about boundaries. Making sure that BM's impact on our house was minimal was key. Locks on doors where needed are important (we have a lock on our bedroom door after finding evidence of OSS having been in there when we weren't home). Locks on the boys' doors were removed.

7) Minimize contact between BM & SMOM as much as possible. I could never be sure what would tick her off - so I try to minimize contact as much as I can. She's not as extreme as some that are dealt with on this board - but still, I can do without drama.

8) I am NOT the boys' mom. I am not their mother. I am their STEP mother. For OSS, that meant I was an "in your face" "you WILL get your stuff done" kind of CP. He needed that (still does, but that's BM's problem now that he's an adult on her couch). For YSS for whom we were NCP, that meant that I was his number 3 or 4 cheerleader (behind his parents, and then his GF ). I try to remember that while BM doesn't do things the way I would - SHE is their mother, and I will try (not always succeed) to not offend her by taking "her" place.

Those are probably the most important things that I learned over the years. The sense of relief now that the kids are 18 and 21 (almost 19 & 22) and my "job" is essentially over is wonderful. OSS is most certainly NOT doing what he should be doing - but it has no real effect on me. He's not impacting my back account, and he's not disrespectful, so, for me - it's ok. I probably have seen BM 5 times since January, and most of those revolved around YSS graduating HS.

And 10 years on - I am still with the most wonderful man.

EvilStepMother]]>
Quick background - started dating my DH 10 years ago in Fall 2002. His boys turned 9 and 12 just before I met them that fall. We got engaged in late summer 2004, married in May 2005. At the time we were dating and engaged, both boys lived with BM - 40 minutes away from me. DH moved in with me when we got engaged (I owned, he rented at the time). The intent was for us to get married, then we'd find a new "us" house after the wedding was out of the way. That didn't happen because as soon as we got home from our honeymoon, OSS (by then 14), was out of control and BM threw him out and I became a full time CP SMOM. (Literally RIGHT after we got home from our honeymoon - the next day).

So, I was a newlywed, a CP SMOM and an NCP SMOM all at the same time. It was a lot of pressure immediately and there was a lot of drama surrounding the transition for OSS.

There is a lot that I could write about ALL of what went on - but for brevity's sake - here's truly what I learned now that I'm 10 years into this relationship, 7 years into the marriage....

1) I would ABSOLUTELY marry this man again. In a heartbeat.

2) Everything starts and ends with respect. Think about all of your complaints - and ask yourself, are you being treated with respect. Think about your DH/SO - are you treating him with respect (or her - I just got done dinner with a friend who is a stepmom in a same-sex marriage - the issues are generally the same).

Everything - EVERYTHING - revolves around respect. Are you cleaning up after kids old enough to be able to clean up after themselves? Or a man who ought to clean up after himself? Why? Why do they believe that someone ELSE should clean up after them? That is disrespectful. Teenage skids that roll their eyes? Disrespectful. Are you being disrespectful to the skids? Really ask yourself that. I know that at times, I certainly was less than respectfull to OSS.

3) Your SO is in a tough spot. Think about it. Let's assume he loves you with all of his heart. Let's also assume he loves his kids with all of his heart (because really - would you be with a guy who DIDN'T love his kids)? So he loves them, and he loves you, and you and the skids are his whole world. It hurts him when the skids and you don't get along. Quite often they assume that everyone that they love automatically will love each other. "If I love "A", and I love "B", then "A" SHOULD love "B"." Yeah. Doesn't work that way. I don't know how to fix that - but understanding the tough spot your SO is in helps a bit.

4) The best thing I ever did with respect to dealing with a challenging teenager was to stop being overly invested making sure he was doing what he "should" be doing. Instead - if he didn't do what was required of him, he got a consequence. He knew he'd get the consequence. He knew what the consequence would be when he chose to not do what he was supposed to do. I stopped getting emotionally wrapped up in making sure he did what he was supposed to do, and just handed him the consequence that he essentially asked for.

5) Making things easy for kids is NOT helping them. It is undermining their abilities to problem solve and become functional adults. Having said that - other than telling your SO this, then stepping aside if they decide to help anyway, there's nothing you can do about it. Stop worrying that the kid won't become a functional adult- it's not your fault nor is it your responsibility.

6) Boundaries are vital for everyone. The old adage "good fences make good neighbors" is all about boundaries. Making sure that BM's impact on our house was minimal was key. Locks on doors where needed are important (we have a lock on our bedroom door after finding evidence of OSS having been in there when we weren't home). Locks on the boys' doors were removed.

7) Minimize contact between BM & SMOM as much as possible. I could never be sure what would tick her off - so I try to minimize contact as much as I can. She's not as extreme as some that are dealt with on this board - but still, I can do without drama.

8) I am NOT the boys' mom. I am not their mother. I am their STEP mother. For OSS, that meant I was an "in your face" "you WILL get your stuff done" kind of CP. He needed that (still does, but that's BM's problem now that he's an adult on her couch). For YSS for whom we were NCP, that meant that I was his number 3 or 4 cheerleader (behind his parents, and then his GF ). I try to remember that while BM doesn't do things the way I would - SHE is their mother, and I will try (not always succeed) to not offend her by taking "her" place.

Those are probably the most important things that I learned over the years. The sense of relief now that the kids are 18 and 21 (almost 19 & 22) and my "job" is essentially over is wonderful. OSS is most certainly NOT doing what he should be doing - but it has no real effect on me. He's not impacting my back account, and he's not disrespectful, so, for me - it's ok. I probably have seen BM 5 times since January, and most of those revolved around YSS graduating HS.

And 10 years on - I am still with the most wonderful man.

EvilStepMother]]> <![CDATA[Radar's List]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33508 Fri, 21 Sep 2012 14:49:02 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33508 1 stepdaughter, now 13 years old, no bio-kids

I've had lots of counseling, read lots of stepparent materials, and feel I did most things well, but I would change this:

1. I would not have encouraged my SO to fight for full custody when I saw that his daughter was living with a drug addict mom. It was his choice and I would have supported him but I should not have been the one to say it is what "you need to do."

2. When the courts decided dad should have full custody, I would have moved out of SO's home. My SO is a wonderful man but he needed to be a full time dad without me in the picture. I resent now doing all the things I did because I am by far the less chaotic person in the four person drama that has been my life for the past 8 years.

3. It was always my plan to NOT raise kids. It was wrong for me to do 1 & 2. That being said, I love my SO more than ever and plan to stay in the relationship now.

However, I would never, ever do something so counter to my adult decisions ever again.]]> 1 stepdaughter, now 13 years old, no bio-kids

I've had lots of counseling, read lots of stepparent materials, and feel I did most things well, but I would change this:

1. I would not have encouraged my SO to fight for full custody when I saw that his daughter was living with a drug addict mom. It was his choice and I would have supported him but I should not have been the one to say it is what "you need to do."

2. When the courts decided dad should have full custody, I would have moved out of SO's home. My SO is a wonderful man but he needed to be a full time dad without me in the picture. I resent now doing all the things I did because I am by far the less chaotic person in the four person drama that has been my life for the past 8 years.

3. It was always my plan to NOT raise kids. It was wrong for me to do 1 & 2. That being said, I love my SO more than ever and plan to stay in the relationship now.

However, I would never, ever do something so counter to my adult decisions ever again.]]> <![CDATA[Founder's Welcome to SMOMS.org]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33481 Tue, 18 Sep 2012 00:19:51 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33481
If you've found our site chances are good that you're either new to being in the role of stepmom (married or not doesn't matter to us here) or you're under tremendous emotional pressure and can use some support asap!

Whatever brings you here, you're very welcome.
Included on the Open Forums are many articles and hundreds of "Lessons Learned" from sister stepmoms who've gone before you and learned things the hard way. All the materials are intended to support you and give you insights to help you understand whatever may be going on in your world.

While the women here come from many cultures, religions, backgrounds and even different countries, last check it was about 35% outside of USA, we share emotional experiences that somehow WE can totally share, relate to, support and have empathy for. It's a wonderful sisterhood and all that's good, right and true about women helping women.

Even husbands, boyfriends, partners and family members feel relief that we've found each other. While many significant others were hesitant at first, fearing that we were going to help you build a case against them, etc, it won't take long for them to encourage you to you "go to SMOMS.org" as they see how you're feeling better and better from the support you're getting from (AND giving to) each other! Watch and see!

After 10 years of having this bulletin board open for everyone to read, I've taken it private to give registered member more privacy, safety and freedom to share in a more secure situation. If you decide to join us, please register, using only an email and a secure screen name. I will be manually activating new women once or twice a week so you shouldn't have to wait too long.

The private board is broken into a few special interest forums to give everyone more spaces to "talk" about their issues. In addition to the general forum, we have others for:

Mother's by marriage, (smoms with no bio-kids)
Stepmoms with bio-kid issues (smom moms)
Stepmoms with teen stepkids, in-laws and others special issues
Stepmoms wanting to meet other SMOMS. Since everyone has screen names, this is a place to find, meet and even get together face to face with the sister smoms in your neck of the woods.

We even have a forum for non-stepmom related topics so there's a place to share anything as new friendships develop.

In addition to the forums we also have a private email function which gives you the ability to communicate with other SMOMS privately and still maintain your privacy.

Please read about our BB guidelines in the other threads in this section.

Audio Posts: Shortly there will be a couple of MP3 recordings that you can listen to which will give you a better idea of who I am, my story as a stepmom, vision for the future of this site and hopefully this will give you an even better idea of whether or not SMOMS.org is the right place for you at this time.

(These should be posted in late Sept. '12)

After 12 years, it's still my heartfelt intention to give you the skills, insights and support you need to thrive in your unique and complex personal situations. Watch for new programs and features this fall, all designed to accomplish this goal.

Welcome to Stepmoms on a Mission!
Sincerely Yours, Cathryn Bond Doyle

cathryn@smoms.org
609.206.2009

PS Any questions about the site? Me? Us? Our Mission? Please email me or, if you are already registered, write to me here. CBD]]>
If you've found our site chances are good that you're either new to being in the role of stepmom (married or not doesn't matter to us here) or you're under tremendous emotional pressure and can use some support asap!

Whatever brings you here, you're very welcome.
Included on the Open Forums are many articles and hundreds of "Lessons Learned" from sister stepmoms who've gone before you and learned things the hard way. All the materials are intended to support you and give you insights to help you understand whatever may be going on in your world.

While the women here come from many cultures, religions, backgrounds and even different countries, last check it was about 35% outside of USA, we share emotional experiences that somehow WE can totally share, relate to, support and have empathy for. It's a wonderful sisterhood and all that's good, right and true about women helping women.

Even husbands, boyfriends, partners and family members feel relief that we've found each other. While many significant others were hesitant at first, fearing that we were going to help you build a case against them, etc, it won't take long for them to encourage you to you "go to SMOMS.org" as they see how you're feeling better and better from the support you're getting from (AND giving to) each other! Watch and see!

After 10 years of having this bulletin board open for everyone to read, I've taken it private to give registered member more privacy, safety and freedom to share in a more secure situation. If you decide to join us, please register, using only an email and a secure screen name. I will be manually activating new women once or twice a week so you shouldn't have to wait too long.

The private board is broken into a few special interest forums to give everyone more spaces to "talk" about their issues. In addition to the general forum, we have others for:

Mother's by marriage, (smoms with no bio-kids)
Stepmoms with bio-kid issues (smom moms)
Stepmoms with teen stepkids, in-laws and others special issues
Stepmoms wanting to meet other SMOMS. Since everyone has screen names, this is a place to find, meet and even get together face to face with the sister smoms in your neck of the woods.

We even have a forum for non-stepmom related topics so there's a place to share anything as new friendships develop.

In addition to the forums we also have a private email function which gives you the ability to communicate with other SMOMS privately and still maintain your privacy.

Please read about our BB guidelines in the other threads in this section.

Audio Posts: Shortly there will be a couple of MP3 recordings that you can listen to which will give you a better idea of who I am, my story as a stepmom, vision for the future of this site and hopefully this will give you an even better idea of whether or not SMOMS.org is the right place for you at this time.

(These should be posted in late Sept. '12)

After 12 years, it's still my heartfelt intention to give you the skills, insights and support you need to thrive in your unique and complex personal situations. Watch for new programs and features this fall, all designed to accomplish this goal.

Welcome to Stepmoms on a Mission!
Sincerely Yours, Cathryn Bond Doyle

cathryn@smoms.org
609.206.2009

PS Any questions about the site? Me? Us? Our Mission? Please email me or, if you are already registered, write to me here. CBD]]> <![CDATA[The Allure of Self-Pity: Understand it & help yourself in new ways!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33479 Mon, 17 Sep 2012 21:26:47 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=33479
Self-pity: Understand it’s allure then choose to get beyond it ASAP!

By Cathryn Bond Doyle.


When bad things happen and there’s a direct negative impact on us, it’s understandable to feel sorry for ourselves. Many of us have grown up with people who taught us, by example, to deal with pain or sorrow with self-pity. Since self-pity is a genuine emotion, it needs to be honored and processed. However it does NOT need to be a way to get sympathy from others, a reflex reaction intended to deny or avoid responsibility or an excuse to punish others.

The good news is that there’s also a way to express these feelings without having any negative impact on our self and others. Since my life experience and my Coaches have taught me a great deal about this topic this article is intended to give you information about self-pity so you can recognize it sooner, get good at processing it quickly it and get beyond it as quickly as possible.

Although some people have actually turned self-pity into an art form, there’s nothing creatively positive about it. Some people engage in self-pity with the predetermined rationale that their, “Oh poor me” behavior is some entitled form of self-care. Society has supported that stance and self-pity has become a very common reaction to painful circumstances. Why do we do self-pity?

In a nutshell self-pity is popular and by the way, very addictive because it numbs pain and fear. Numbing strategies take many physical, behavioral and emotional forms. And remember this about addictive behaviors; the reason we repeatedly engage in any addictive behavior is NOT to make us feel good but to keep us from feeling badly. However, self-pity encompasses more than just numbing our bad feelings. It pervades our attitude, our mood and our actions. Some may think that self-pity can be a private thing. For example: “Leave me alone, I am not hurting anyone while I feel sorry for myself over here in a corner all alone.” However that’s a hurtful, self-deceptive, rationalization for perpetuating self-pity.

Please note: Because self-pity has many causes and depths of experiences, this article is not intended to fully address or minimize the issues of grief, tragedy or abuse, as they will be more complex than the day-to-day issues addressed here.

Feeling sorry for ourselves is more familiar and less scary than feeling pain, hurt, shame, anger and any number of “hard” emotions. Besides, whoever taught us, “Positive Ways to process Self-Pity 101”? Most of us default to self-pity because we don’t know what else to do. If we had parents with zero tolerance for overt self-pity, we learned other coping methods for dealing with pain and the chances are great that they include some other form of emotional numbing (versus processing) strategy.

Forms of Self-Pity

Self-pity has many faces. It can take the form of whining, complaining, melodrama, repeated story telling, “Have I told you about my past lately?” perpetual advice seeking and/or some form of emotional withdrawal from others. Sometimes just a loud, slow sigh is a sure sign of self-pity’s presence. Feeling our feelings isn’t necessarily self-pity. The difference between feeling sorry for ourselves in a healthy way and self-pity at it’s worst is a matter of timing, duration and intention.

As mentioned earlier, there IS a time to feel sorry for ourselves. Bad things happen. People hurt us. Unexpected things happen. Some times things don’t happen the way we want them to and we feel badly. The difference between engaging in healthy self-care versus hurtful self-pity is how aware we are of our impact on those around us, how conscious we are of our true feelings and most importantly, how willing we are to take responsibility for helping ourselves.

Am I in the punishing state of Self-pity?

Have I lost my sense of humor?
Am I seeking advice but not taking it?
Am I defending my reasons for non-action?
Am I refusing to ask for and receive help?
Do I get annoyed and impatient with others when they try to help me?
Am I feeling like a child or victim unable to help myself?
Am I enthusiastic about blaming others?
Am I trying to control others by getting them to do things out of pity or guilt?
Do I whine/sigh to get the attention/support/sympathy of others?
Do I feel a sense of entitlement because of what I have suffered?


“Behavior has meaning” and whenever we’re doing something, it’s because of the pay-offs or benefits we’re getting at some emotional level. Sometimes, when we’re afraid to face our pain, numbness is a logical pay-off. Sometimes getting deeply into self-pity gives us an excuse NOT to do anything and/or a reason NOT to face someone or something. And sadly sometimes it’s the only way we know how to earn the attention of those whose love we crave. When we're feeling sorry for ourselves we're not being loving. That’s not bad or wrong. It’s just hurtful to us, the situation or anyone else in our world.

Self-pity can become a habit; even an addiction AND with your awareness and willingness it can take up much less time and energy. While some of us can’t break a habit just for our own good, we ARE motivated to move through self-pity as quickly as possible when we understand the negative impact it’s having on ourselves and those around us.

The costs of staying in Self-pity:

1. Physically and emotionally draining.

2. Extremely unproductive use of time and energy.
3. Makes us very unattractive over time.

4. Makes us bitter, unloving and hurtful towards others.

5. Causes us to be “cut-off” from friends and family.

6. Can cause Loved ones to feel angry and alienated.

7. Drains the energy of the people trying to help us.

8. Delays the implementation of a creative solution to the situation.


Positive and Healthy Ways to Process Self-Pity

What can you do differently and what is it going to take to move through the feelings of pain, sorrow and pity ASAP? It’s going to require some tactics and some choices; choices that you can make in this very moment and over and over again, as need be. Will you choose to be?

Conscious: “What am I feeling right now?”
Courageous: “What is the right thing for me to do right now?”
Confident: “I will be OK! I can do this!”
Committed to creative problem-solving tactics: “I WILL figure this out!”

The way I've been taught to process self-pity is the only tactic I can pass along. I’m sure there are more, however, the following is a tested and proven way that works. Please give it a try and see for yourself.

A Self-pity Process

Rather than processing your pity in dribs and drabs over extended periods of time (which is how you are able to get so many pay-offs) you are going to do it all at once! Find a private place with a mirror-the bathroom is a great place and so convenient! Tell anyone around that you will need 20 minutes of privacy. Now begin to tell that person in the mirror your troubles. Focus exclusively on what has happened and how you are feeling. Be intense. Give this your full and undivided attention.

Make it your goal to feel your feelings, whatever they are, for a full 20 minutes. It is really amazing how long 20 minutes can feel like when you are concentrating on your feelings. Stick with it until you feel a sense of relief. Ahhhh! You will definitely feel relieved and know when to stop.

The first time you do this, it might feel awkward talking to yourself but give it a try. If you can’t bring yourself to do it on your own, ask a friend to listen, if that makes you more likely to do this process. The key is that they are not allowed to say anything. This process is effective because you are moving the energy of YOUR feelings. You are giving your feelings your attention, your respect, your compassion and that is so helpful and healing. It is really amazing how great it feels to be “heard” and known. Yes, even when you are talking to yourself, you’ll actually feel a relief. Try it. See what happens.

Any resistance to trying this is the part of you that is not willing (or is afraid) to give up the pay-offs of numbing with self-pity. Please be gentle with yourself as you may be breaking a life-long habit and a very well-worn path. If this resistance comes up, gently remind yourself of the choices mentioned above. Also, remember that all of these articles are written hoping that the following 3 assumptions are valid for you. It may help to remind yourself of your choices and these assumptions.

1. That you want to behave as a responsible adult.
2. That you want to “heal and deal" with whatever happens in a healthy way.
3. That you want to have as much positive and as little negative impact on you, your family and friends.


Making Amends for the past-an option.

Now that you are aware that there are alternative ways to process your self-pity, it’s also very important to have compassion and to forgive yourself for anytime you all had negative impact on yourself and others while feeling sorry for yourself. If you are so inspired, you may want to share these revelations with the ones you love, apologize for the past and talk about all the ways that things will be different in the future because of what you’ve learned. You can now have compassion for yourself (and others) for past behavior and most importantly, you can resolve to do it differently from this day forward. Not perfectly, just perpetually.

Couples, friends and families may agree to support and coach each other in the new options described here so everyone can gain these valuable skills. The personal benefits are immense and varied. The impact of this alternative approach on relationships is immediate and almost immeasurable. Add patience and kindness to the mix while you honor your feelings of self-pity in healthy ways and you can move through them quickly so you can spend your time and energy creating a better life situation for you and your world.

© 2002 Cathryn Bond Doyle, All Rights Reserved.]]>
Self-pity: Understand it’s allure then choose to get beyond it ASAP!

By Cathryn Bond Doyle.


When bad things happen and there’s a direct negative impact on us, it’s understandable to feel sorry for ourselves. Many of us have grown up with people who taught us, by example, to deal with pain or sorrow with self-pity. Since self-pity is a genuine emotion, it needs to be honored and processed. However it does NOT need to be a way to get sympathy from others, a reflex reaction intended to deny or avoid responsibility or an excuse to punish others.

The good news is that there’s also a way to express these feelings without having any negative impact on our self and others. Since my life experience and my Coaches have taught me a great deal about this topic this article is intended to give you information about self-pity so you can recognize it sooner, get good at processing it quickly it and get beyond it as quickly as possible.

Although some people have actually turned self-pity into an art form, there’s nothing creatively positive about it. Some people engage in self-pity with the predetermined rationale that their, “Oh poor me” behavior is some entitled form of self-care. Society has supported that stance and self-pity has become a very common reaction to painful circumstances. Why do we do self-pity?

In a nutshell self-pity is popular and by the way, very addictive because it numbs pain and fear. Numbing strategies take many physical, behavioral and emotional forms. And remember this about addictive behaviors; the reason we repeatedly engage in any addictive behavior is NOT to make us feel good but to keep us from feeling badly. However, self-pity encompasses more than just numbing our bad feelings. It pervades our attitude, our mood and our actions. Some may think that self-pity can be a private thing. For example: “Leave me alone, I am not hurting anyone while I feel sorry for myself over here in a corner all alone.” However that’s a hurtful, self-deceptive, rationalization for perpetuating self-pity.

Please note: Because self-pity has many causes and depths of experiences, this article is not intended to fully address or minimize the issues of grief, tragedy or abuse, as they will be more complex than the day-to-day issues addressed here.

Feeling sorry for ourselves is more familiar and less scary than feeling pain, hurt, shame, anger and any number of “hard” emotions. Besides, whoever taught us, “Positive Ways to process Self-Pity 101”? Most of us default to self-pity because we don’t know what else to do. If we had parents with zero tolerance for overt self-pity, we learned other coping methods for dealing with pain and the chances are great that they include some other form of emotional numbing (versus processing) strategy.

Forms of Self-Pity

Self-pity has many faces. It can take the form of whining, complaining, melodrama, repeated story telling, “Have I told you about my past lately?” perpetual advice seeking and/or some form of emotional withdrawal from others. Sometimes just a loud, slow sigh is a sure sign of self-pity’s presence. Feeling our feelings isn’t necessarily self-pity. The difference between feeling sorry for ourselves in a healthy way and self-pity at it’s worst is a matter of timing, duration and intention.

As mentioned earlier, there IS a time to feel sorry for ourselves. Bad things happen. People hurt us. Unexpected things happen. Some times things don’t happen the way we want them to and we feel badly. The difference between engaging in healthy self-care versus hurtful self-pity is how aware we are of our impact on those around us, how conscious we are of our true feelings and most importantly, how willing we are to take responsibility for helping ourselves.

Am I in the punishing state of Self-pity?

Have I lost my sense of humor?
Am I seeking advice but not taking it?
Am I defending my reasons for non-action?
Am I refusing to ask for and receive help?
Do I get annoyed and impatient with others when they try to help me?
Am I feeling like a child or victim unable to help myself?
Am I enthusiastic about blaming others?
Am I trying to control others by getting them to do things out of pity or guilt?
Do I whine/sigh to get the attention/support/sympathy of others?
Do I feel a sense of entitlement because of what I have suffered?


“Behavior has meaning” and whenever we’re doing something, it’s because of the pay-offs or benefits we’re getting at some emotional level. Sometimes, when we’re afraid to face our pain, numbness is a logical pay-off. Sometimes getting deeply into self-pity gives us an excuse NOT to do anything and/or a reason NOT to face someone or something. And sadly sometimes it’s the only way we know how to earn the attention of those whose love we crave. When we're feeling sorry for ourselves we're not being loving. That’s not bad or wrong. It’s just hurtful to us, the situation or anyone else in our world.

Self-pity can become a habit; even an addiction AND with your awareness and willingness it can take up much less time and energy. While some of us can’t break a habit just for our own good, we ARE motivated to move through self-pity as quickly as possible when we understand the negative impact it’s having on ourselves and those around us.

The costs of staying in Self-pity:

1. Physically and emotionally draining.

2. Extremely unproductive use of time and energy.
3. Makes us very unattractive over time.

4. Makes us bitter, unloving and hurtful towards others.

5. Causes us to be “cut-off” from friends and family.

6. Can cause Loved ones to feel angry and alienated.

7. Drains the energy of the people trying to help us.

8. Delays the implementation of a creative solution to the situation.


Positive and Healthy Ways to Process Self-Pity

What can you do differently and what is it going to take to move through the feelings of pain, sorrow and pity ASAP? It’s going to require some tactics and some choices; choices that you can make in this very moment and over and over again, as need be. Will you choose to be?

Conscious: “What am I feeling right now?”
Courageous: “What is the right thing for me to do right now?”
Confident: “I will be OK! I can do this!”
Committed to creative problem-solving tactics: “I WILL figure this out!”

The way I've been taught to process self-pity is the only tactic I can pass along. I’m sure there are more, however, the following is a tested and proven way that works. Please give it a try and see for yourself.

A Self-pity Process

Rather than processing your pity in dribs and drabs over extended periods of time (which is how you are able to get so many pay-offs) you are going to do it all at once! Find a private place with a mirror-the bathroom is a great place and so convenient! Tell anyone around that you will need 20 minutes of privacy. Now begin to tell that person in the mirror your troubles. Focus exclusively on what has happened and how you are feeling. Be intense. Give this your full and undivided attention.

Make it your goal to feel your feelings, whatever they are, for a full 20 minutes. It is really amazing how long 20 minutes can feel like when you are concentrating on your feelings. Stick with it until you feel a sense of relief. Ahhhh! You will definitely feel relieved and know when to stop.

The first time you do this, it might feel awkward talking to yourself but give it a try. If you can’t bring yourself to do it on your own, ask a friend to listen, if that makes you more likely to do this process. The key is that they are not allowed to say anything. This process is effective because you are moving the energy of YOUR feelings. You are giving your feelings your attention, your respect, your compassion and that is so helpful and healing. It is really amazing how great it feels to be “heard” and known. Yes, even when you are talking to yourself, you’ll actually feel a relief. Try it. See what happens.

Any resistance to trying this is the part of you that is not willing (or is afraid) to give up the pay-offs of numbing with self-pity. Please be gentle with yourself as you may be breaking a life-long habit and a very well-worn path. If this resistance comes up, gently remind yourself of the choices mentioned above. Also, remember that all of these articles are written hoping that the following 3 assumptions are valid for you. It may help to remind yourself of your choices and these assumptions.

1. That you want to behave as a responsible adult.
2. That you want to “heal and deal" with whatever happens in a healthy way.
3. That you want to have as much positive and as little negative impact on you, your family and friends.


Making Amends for the past-an option.

Now that you are aware that there are alternative ways to process your self-pity, it’s also very important to have compassion and to forgive yourself for anytime you all had negative impact on yourself and others while feeling sorry for yourself. If you are so inspired, you may want to share these revelations with the ones you love, apologize for the past and talk about all the ways that things will be different in the future because of what you’ve learned. You can now have compassion for yourself (and others) for past behavior and most importantly, you can resolve to do it differently from this day forward. Not perfectly, just perpetually.

Couples, friends and families may agree to support and coach each other in the new options described here so everyone can gain these valuable skills. The personal benefits are immense and varied. The impact of this alternative approach on relationships is immediate and almost immeasurable. Add patience and kindness to the mix while you honor your feelings of self-pity in healthy ways and you can move through them quickly so you can spend your time and energy creating a better life situation for you and your world.

© 2002 Cathryn Bond Doyle, All Rights Reserved.]]>