http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/ Sun, 05 Feb 2012 04:00:15 +0000 MyBB http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31694 Sun, 05 Feb 2012 02:50:58 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31694
Brief intro..I am newly married 6 months..no bio-kids. I have a SD9, very spoiled and an only child. BM is in the picture but is a complete mess. We have her 70% of the time. I have a story so long I don't even know where to begin..but today DH told me to "shut my f*(!&G mouth" when it came to discussing anything regarding SD9. To make a long story short, we had been discussing his lack of discipline and indulging her every whim, not following through on punishments he threatened her with, and basically her crying and whining to get her way. EVERY TIME I want to discuss the value of consequences and instilling her the importance of responsibility and planting the seeds for the future, he immediately gets defensive and puts up walls. Today he told me that he doesn't want me involved in the process of raising SD9.

I am at a loss and really 2nd guessing my life altering decision to marry this man.]]>
Brief intro..I am newly married 6 months..no bio-kids. I have a SD9, very spoiled and an only child. BM is in the picture but is a complete mess. We have her 70% of the time. I have a story so long I don't even know where to begin..but today DH told me to "shut my f*(!&G mouth" when it came to discussing anything regarding SD9. To make a long story short, we had been discussing his lack of discipline and indulging her every whim, not following through on punishments he threatened her with, and basically her crying and whining to get her way. EVERY TIME I want to discuss the value of consequences and instilling her the importance of responsibility and planting the seeds for the future, he immediately gets defensive and puts up walls. Today he told me that he doesn't want me involved in the process of raising SD9.

I am at a loss and really 2nd guessing my life altering decision to marry this man.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31693 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 23:45:53 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31693 Chapter 8.1 - DH is dancing with the devil ...)

My last post was June 2011. Things were much more tense between SD20(then 19, but just turned 20 last weekend) back then. Then, I was still a very raw nerve with anything having to do with SD20. There was a lot of damage and stress to overcome. The passage of time has faded some of that, I guess. And some GROWING UP TIME by SD has helped somewhat too.

Well, to update from last time. SD had been SO IN LOVE with this new boy over the summer, he was "the one" and that lasted all of about 3 months. He was cheating on SD.

If I had to put a date-stamp on it, I think that was the point SD took a small leap forward in maturity. SD finally became committed to earning money (therefore working a lot of hours) and saving money to move out on her own away from BM. SD also got a serious scare when one of her friends was pulled over by a cop while SD was in the car as a passenger. The friend was busted for drug (pot) and paraphernalia possession. That has finally (we think) scared SD straight and she claims she no longer uses pot.

All, in all, by some miracle, SD seems to have gotten her mind right and is beginning to be a productive member of society. Never thought I would see it. SD's progress has been impressive enough that DH and I gave her one of our cars this past Christmas (remember, had 3 since we took the one from SD back in December 2010).

It's nice to have good things to say, FINALLY! Stress is definitely reduced knowing SD has thus far turned things around. When SD and SS12 (about to be 13) visited over this past Christmas holiday, SD actually admitted to DH (not to me, though) that she now understands why we had the rules we had when she was here and she now understands just how good she had it when she was living with us.

One small thing will keep eating at me, despite all this good stuff. SD has claimed she is going to move back to our area and get an apartment with her long-time girl friend. I've already informed DH that SHOULD that ever happen, that our house will NOT be a fall-back for SD if that deal falls through. So, I'll continue to have a touch of anxiety as long as that issue is out there. So far, no serious plans have been made by SD to move to our area.

FINGERS CROSSED! I almost feel like I'm jinxing myself by sharing this update.

((((HUGS)))) to all the other SMOMS out there!]]> Chapter 8.1 - DH is dancing with the devil ...)

My last post was June 2011. Things were much more tense between SD20(then 19, but just turned 20 last weekend) back then. Then, I was still a very raw nerve with anything having to do with SD20. There was a lot of damage and stress to overcome. The passage of time has faded some of that, I guess. And some GROWING UP TIME by SD has helped somewhat too.

Well, to update from last time. SD had been SO IN LOVE with this new boy over the summer, he was "the one" and that lasted all of about 3 months. He was cheating on SD.

If I had to put a date-stamp on it, I think that was the point SD took a small leap forward in maturity. SD finally became committed to earning money (therefore working a lot of hours) and saving money to move out on her own away from BM. SD also got a serious scare when one of her friends was pulled over by a cop while SD was in the car as a passenger. The friend was busted for drug (pot) and paraphernalia possession. That has finally (we think) scared SD straight and she claims she no longer uses pot.

All, in all, by some miracle, SD seems to have gotten her mind right and is beginning to be a productive member of society. Never thought I would see it. SD's progress has been impressive enough that DH and I gave her one of our cars this past Christmas (remember, had 3 since we took the one from SD back in December 2010).

It's nice to have good things to say, FINALLY! Stress is definitely reduced knowing SD has thus far turned things around. When SD and SS12 (about to be 13) visited over this past Christmas holiday, SD actually admitted to DH (not to me, though) that she now understands why we had the rules we had when she was here and she now understands just how good she had it when she was living with us.

One small thing will keep eating at me, despite all this good stuff. SD has claimed she is going to move back to our area and get an apartment with her long-time girl friend. I've already informed DH that SHOULD that ever happen, that our house will NOT be a fall-back for SD if that deal falls through. So, I'll continue to have a touch of anxiety as long as that issue is out there. So far, no serious plans have been made by SD to move to our area.

FINGERS CROSSED! I almost feel like I'm jinxing myself by sharing this update.

((((HUGS)))) to all the other SMOMS out there!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31692 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 22:16:46 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31692 I've always felt that I got the short end of the stick. DH has never been able to stand up to BM because he's affraid she will not allow SD to visit. They live in a different state. Negotiating visits is always a painful process because BM is a very difficult person, so he ends up taking whatever crap she throws his way in order to have SD visit. But when it comes to us he can be as tough as it can get.
Anyway, we're a single car family and since BM doesn't allow SD to fly, DH has to drive there to pick her up and drop her back. One leg of the trip is about 10 hours, so he usually needs to stay the night somewhere before he makes it back. That means that BD and me are stuck in the house without a car we can use to go out for four days every time SD visits (two days each way).
DH is negotiating with difficult BM to have SD come over spring break and we both work so he suggested to pick her up on a Sunday morning, so he can drive Sat and be back Sun. BM says they're going to be in Orlando instead for that weekend and that he should pick her up mid week. Then DH talks to me to discuss him driving to Orlando to pick her up. I said yes, but I asked him not to take this as a vacation since we'll be stuck at home those days. Then he starts to get all angry saying that everyone is trying to screw him. Aren't we doing enough already by staying home that I cannot ask for consideration from him with this respect? Is asking for a direct trip without unnecessary stops too much?

I know this is just a stupid fight, but we always have a lot of stress when SD is here or whenever there's something involving her. If he just talked on the phone with her than I can't be mad for any unrelated reason because he immediately assumes I'm jealous of her. I can't handle long periods of time with SD around because the stress is too much. Our life's changes a lot when she's here that is very exhausting for me and our relationship suffers a lot from this. She's not a bad girl, in fact she's kind of nice but she's also very laud and likes to play too rough with BD. I get tired, and I get tired of swallowing my impatience when she's making so much noise when eating, drinking or sleeping. I feel like crap whenever I say something to her and it's not fair because I do reprimand BD but I'm always affraid of reprimanding SD.
I think what makes matters worst is that we don't have close friends or any family that have a step parenting situation, so no one to talk about this and no one to help people around me understand that being a SM is very hard, and painful, and stressful. Everyone around can sympathize and relate to SD and DH, no one can even imagine that this is hard on me and on BD, not even DH. He can't even understand why I don't love SD the way he does. I don't think I will ever be capable of loving her that way. But to me this is just fine, I don't want her to see me as a mother, she has one already. I'm happy with both of us being comfortable around each other. But the pressure I feel from him, and from political family is too much sometimes.
I'm very tired of having the same arguments over and over again. A common one is related to SD visits. I always feel like DH wants everything to be just perfect, and fun every single minute SD is here. So he will get out of job early, or do whatever possible so that there's always something special happening. However, when it's only us I don't see him trying that hard to ensure BD is having fun all the time. This irritates me for some reason.

I wish I could yell at the world and that I could tell everywoman out there dating a man with children to run, run as fast as possible and never look back. No matter how wonderful the man may seem, the issues with being a SM will make all the charm disappear. I don't feel attracted to my DH anymore. How can I after all the pain and stress? It's too late for me, but how I wish I can avoid other woman this pain.]]> I've always felt that I got the short end of the stick. DH has never been able to stand up to BM because he's affraid she will not allow SD to visit. They live in a different state. Negotiating visits is always a painful process because BM is a very difficult person, so he ends up taking whatever crap she throws his way in order to have SD visit. But when it comes to us he can be as tough as it can get.
Anyway, we're a single car family and since BM doesn't allow SD to fly, DH has to drive there to pick her up and drop her back. One leg of the trip is about 10 hours, so he usually needs to stay the night somewhere before he makes it back. That means that BD and me are stuck in the house without a car we can use to go out for four days every time SD visits (two days each way).
DH is negotiating with difficult BM to have SD come over spring break and we both work so he suggested to pick her up on a Sunday morning, so he can drive Sat and be back Sun. BM says they're going to be in Orlando instead for that weekend and that he should pick her up mid week. Then DH talks to me to discuss him driving to Orlando to pick her up. I said yes, but I asked him not to take this as a vacation since we'll be stuck at home those days. Then he starts to get all angry saying that everyone is trying to screw him. Aren't we doing enough already by staying home that I cannot ask for consideration from him with this respect? Is asking for a direct trip without unnecessary stops too much?

I know this is just a stupid fight, but we always have a lot of stress when SD is here or whenever there's something involving her. If he just talked on the phone with her than I can't be mad for any unrelated reason because he immediately assumes I'm jealous of her. I can't handle long periods of time with SD around because the stress is too much. Our life's changes a lot when she's here that is very exhausting for me and our relationship suffers a lot from this. She's not a bad girl, in fact she's kind of nice but she's also very laud and likes to play too rough with BD. I get tired, and I get tired of swallowing my impatience when she's making so much noise when eating, drinking or sleeping. I feel like crap whenever I say something to her and it's not fair because I do reprimand BD but I'm always affraid of reprimanding SD.
I think what makes matters worst is that we don't have close friends or any family that have a step parenting situation, so no one to talk about this and no one to help people around me understand that being a SM is very hard, and painful, and stressful. Everyone around can sympathize and relate to SD and DH, no one can even imagine that this is hard on me and on BD, not even DH. He can't even understand why I don't love SD the way he does. I don't think I will ever be capable of loving her that way. But to me this is just fine, I don't want her to see me as a mother, she has one already. I'm happy with both of us being comfortable around each other. But the pressure I feel from him, and from political family is too much sometimes.
I'm very tired of having the same arguments over and over again. A common one is related to SD visits. I always feel like DH wants everything to be just perfect, and fun every single minute SD is here. So he will get out of job early, or do whatever possible so that there's always something special happening. However, when it's only us I don't see him trying that hard to ensure BD is having fun all the time. This irritates me for some reason.

I wish I could yell at the world and that I could tell everywoman out there dating a man with children to run, run as fast as possible and never look back. No matter how wonderful the man may seem, the issues with being a SM will make all the charm disappear. I don't feel attracted to my DH anymore. How can I after all the pain and stress? It's too late for me, but how I wish I can avoid other woman this pain.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31691 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:22:28 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31691
SD also informed DH that BM was suppose to call him and ask if she could get SD Friday evening to go get pictures made, said she had already paid to have them taken. Even though DH only has SD 4 nights a month he agreed to let SD go do this, SD wanted to do it and he does what is in the best interest of SD instead of being a spiteful a-hole like BM does. He took her to BMs and talked to her on the ride over. He said he asked SD if she still wanted to live with him more and he said she really wasn't responding. He asked her what was going on and she said BM told her that DH was the one who called DSS and that he was trying to take SD away from her. SD went on to say that BM told her that she fought so hard for SD(which was a lie) and that DH isn't going to take SD away now. BM told her that she belongs with her, NOT DH and that she knows he is going to take her to court if the DSS thing doesn't work.

DH is honestly considering dropping the idea of taking BM to court because he thinks that BM will have convinced SD to say she doesn't want to live here by the time he gets to court. She has already starting making up lies about DH and all the things I mentioned above and I'm sure that's not ALL of it either. He also said he wished he hadn't called DSS because it was a waste of time and now it just gave BM more time to convince SD of all the lies and try to turn SD against him.


Sorry this got so long. If you made it this far, is there any advice you have as to what DH can do here?]]>
SD also informed DH that BM was suppose to call him and ask if she could get SD Friday evening to go get pictures made, said she had already paid to have them taken. Even though DH only has SD 4 nights a month he agreed to let SD go do this, SD wanted to do it and he does what is in the best interest of SD instead of being a spiteful a-hole like BM does. He took her to BMs and talked to her on the ride over. He said he asked SD if she still wanted to live with him more and he said she really wasn't responding. He asked her what was going on and she said BM told her that DH was the one who called DSS and that he was trying to take SD away from her. SD went on to say that BM told her that she fought so hard for SD(which was a lie) and that DH isn't going to take SD away now. BM told her that she belongs with her, NOT DH and that she knows he is going to take her to court if the DSS thing doesn't work.

DH is honestly considering dropping the idea of taking BM to court because he thinks that BM will have convinced SD to say she doesn't want to live here by the time he gets to court. She has already starting making up lies about DH and all the things I mentioned above and I'm sure that's not ALL of it either. He also said he wished he hadn't called DSS because it was a waste of time and now it just gave BM more time to convince SD of all the lies and try to turn SD against him.


Sorry this got so long. If you made it this far, is there any advice you have as to what DH can do here?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31690 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 06:53:38 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31690

We are all really excited. SD had always said she only wanted a sister but the last week or so she has said she wouldn't mind a brother. She came around just in time! I'm due towards the end of June so I'll be home with SD and the baby for summer.

As a side note... I just want to thank you all for all of your support and encouragement the past couple of weeks. I had been doing pretty good until BM showed up and distrupted my happy family and my SD's sense of well being. It's been stressful and I can't thank you ladies enough for being there!!]]>

We are all really excited. SD had always said she only wanted a sister but the last week or so she has said she wouldn't mind a brother. She came around just in time! I'm due towards the end of June so I'll be home with SD and the baby for summer.

As a side note... I just want to thank you all for all of your support and encouragement the past couple of weeks. I had been doing pretty good until BM showed up and distrupted my happy family and my SD's sense of well being. It's been stressful and I can't thank you ladies enough for being there!!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31689 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:36:47 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31689
What activities have you found to manage your smom (and life in general) stress? Let's see if we can give each other some new ideas!]]>
What activities have you found to manage your smom (and life in general) stress? Let's see if we can give each other some new ideas!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31688 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:37:52 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31688 And the thing is, I actually don't care! When I first realized this about myself,I felt really bad - if I'm not the sweet, longsuffering, I'll-lay-down-my-life-for-you person (massive guilt!) then who am I? I'm just me! I'm a romantic, I'm creative and I'm witty and I need a lot of affirmation (I'm a Leo!) and I need to express myself freely. What I am not is a maid, a whore and a whipping boy. But that's what my life has been here since the step-sons moved in. I am lonely and I'm suffocating and I resent my family a LOT!
I shouldn't have married him. I shouldn't have gotten involved in this madness. But there you go, I didn't know myself yet, I still thought I was a kind and giving person back then, that I would make a positive difference in their lives! Right now I just want to be heard, I want to be adored a little bit by someone I adore, I want to make love in the afternoon instead of speed-sex so dh can feel good. I want to hear 'thank you' sometimes and I want to decide what I spend my money on.
I still like to delude myself that I would have been a good mother if that had worked out, but it didn't. So I need to know who I'm going to be then. I don't want to be a smom anymore (this was never part of my dream life.) So why am I going on and on about this? I'm talking myself up to a decision. There's a line in the sand and I'm going to have to decide if I'm going to cross it or not. Writing this publically instead of just in my journal makes it more real. Like I've inched my toes a little closer to the line today. I am REALLY unhappy and I'm making other people unhappy now. Maybe this was just meant to be a chapter in my life, not forever all consuming. I don't know. But I want to be happy too.
Thanks for listening.]]> And the thing is, I actually don't care! When I first realized this about myself,I felt really bad - if I'm not the sweet, longsuffering, I'll-lay-down-my-life-for-you person (massive guilt!) then who am I? I'm just me! I'm a romantic, I'm creative and I'm witty and I need a lot of affirmation (I'm a Leo!) and I need to express myself freely. What I am not is a maid, a whore and a whipping boy. But that's what my life has been here since the step-sons moved in. I am lonely and I'm suffocating and I resent my family a LOT!
I shouldn't have married him. I shouldn't have gotten involved in this madness. But there you go, I didn't know myself yet, I still thought I was a kind and giving person back then, that I would make a positive difference in their lives! Right now I just want to be heard, I want to be adored a little bit by someone I adore, I want to make love in the afternoon instead of speed-sex so dh can feel good. I want to hear 'thank you' sometimes and I want to decide what I spend my money on.
I still like to delude myself that I would have been a good mother if that had worked out, but it didn't. So I need to know who I'm going to be then. I don't want to be a smom anymore (this was never part of my dream life.) So why am I going on and on about this? I'm talking myself up to a decision. There's a line in the sand and I'm going to have to decide if I'm going to cross it or not. Writing this publically instead of just in my journal makes it more real. Like I've inched my toes a little closer to the line today. I am REALLY unhappy and I'm making other people unhappy now. Maybe this was just meant to be a chapter in my life, not forever all consuming. I don't know. But I want to be happy too.
Thanks for listening.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31687 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 17:51:23 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31687
At the age of 5 SS was diagnosed with ADHD. Up until this year he has not had any additional testing but when he did they changed his primary diagnosis to Autism with ADHD as a secondary and then also diagnosed him with Depression/Anxiety. We only see him 3 weekends out of the month so our interaction is unfortunately very limited. SS12 also has had to deal with a lot of changes throughout this last year.

Anyway, with this new diagnosis DH and I decided that we should scale back a little bit on punishments to hopefully help the self-esteem issues he is having. We want him to still be held accountable for his actions but maybe not have as high of severity in the punishment. SS has a huge issue with getting his homework assignments turned in. We told him that starting this new quarter we would take things week by week. He really enjoys going to football practice with his dad on the weekends so we told him that if he doesn't have any missing assignments then he will be able to go to practice. He did great up until today. We even were lucky enough to see him the middle of the week this week and we told him how great of a job he has been doing and now today he is missing 3!!!! This is where DH and I get frustrated. We set short term goals for him, hoping that he will be able to achieve them and get the reward, and then something like this happens. We feel like he never gets to see us follow through on a reward because he can never achieve them. It breaks my heart!!!

Does anyone else have experience in this or any advice on how to deal with this? We want so bad for our little boy to have great self-confidence and to know that he can succeed but yet we also want to show him that he needs to be accountable for his actions.

Thanks for listening to my rambling! I wasn't sure where I could turn but I know that everytime I have turned to all of you I have felt better!]]>
At the age of 5 SS was diagnosed with ADHD. Up until this year he has not had any additional testing but when he did they changed his primary diagnosis to Autism with ADHD as a secondary and then also diagnosed him with Depression/Anxiety. We only see him 3 weekends out of the month so our interaction is unfortunately very limited. SS12 also has had to deal with a lot of changes throughout this last year.

Anyway, with this new diagnosis DH and I decided that we should scale back a little bit on punishments to hopefully help the self-esteem issues he is having. We want him to still be held accountable for his actions but maybe not have as high of severity in the punishment. SS has a huge issue with getting his homework assignments turned in. We told him that starting this new quarter we would take things week by week. He really enjoys going to football practice with his dad on the weekends so we told him that if he doesn't have any missing assignments then he will be able to go to practice. He did great up until today. We even were lucky enough to see him the middle of the week this week and we told him how great of a job he has been doing and now today he is missing 3!!!! This is where DH and I get frustrated. We set short term goals for him, hoping that he will be able to achieve them and get the reward, and then something like this happens. We feel like he never gets to see us follow through on a reward because he can never achieve them. It breaks my heart!!!

Does anyone else have experience in this or any advice on how to deal with this? We want so bad for our little boy to have great self-confidence and to know that he can succeed but yet we also want to show him that he needs to be accountable for his actions.

Thanks for listening to my rambling! I wasn't sure where I could turn but I know that everytime I have turned to all of you I have felt better!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31686 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:56:17 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31686
These SSs are starting to Stay home from school with a made up illness. I know they're lying so I tell them to try going and if they can't make it to go to the school nurse.

They then putz around until they miss the bus. I then can't take them b/c I'll be late for work so I tell thim to go lie down and sleep till Dad wakes up (he works til 3am) no tv or video games. One day Dad let SS16 stay home in the afternoon even tho he looked fine. He played video games all day and was fine for dinner etc.

Yesterday Dad brought SS14 to school around noon in an effort to say "no more of this". TOday the SS14's school nurse just called - SS14 had a nose bleed but while he was laying there he just started crying and wanted to come home.

Yes, he's had a hard life losing his mom at 11 yrs, yes his dad got remarried, yes he's in a new school district, yes he misses his friends but staying home two partial days in a row isn't a good way of coping. I told the nurse to have him talk to his counselor and if after that he couldn't get it together to call me.

They all decided to go back to class and he had smiles on his face - but he did say "I have to stay b/c my stepmom doesn't want me". They corrected him saying "your stepmom wants to be sure you learn to cope with everything and don't get used to running home when it gets hard". Still - ouch!

Meanwhile I was ready to call DH to wake him up despite double shift tonight - if SS14 needed to come home. It's ultimately HIS kid who's running... that makes me feel like a meanie for waking him up though.

Am I babbling? - I'm just not sure how to handle this staying home from school thing. Am I the bad guy?

I think if he breaks down crying in the middle of school that perhaps he needs therapy even tho he says he doesn't.

Taking on three SSs with a DH who works second shift is a HUGE undertaking.! I can do it but boy could I use help, support, correction where I'm wrong.

My kids are sooooo different. I did not expect this.

Thanks for listening and sorry I wrote so much.]]>
These SSs are starting to Stay home from school with a made up illness. I know they're lying so I tell them to try going and if they can't make it to go to the school nurse.

They then putz around until they miss the bus. I then can't take them b/c I'll be late for work so I tell thim to go lie down and sleep till Dad wakes up (he works til 3am) no tv or video games. One day Dad let SS16 stay home in the afternoon even tho he looked fine. He played video games all day and was fine for dinner etc.

Yesterday Dad brought SS14 to school around noon in an effort to say "no more of this". TOday the SS14's school nurse just called - SS14 had a nose bleed but while he was laying there he just started crying and wanted to come home.

Yes, he's had a hard life losing his mom at 11 yrs, yes his dad got remarried, yes he's in a new school district, yes he misses his friends but staying home two partial days in a row isn't a good way of coping. I told the nurse to have him talk to his counselor and if after that he couldn't get it together to call me.

They all decided to go back to class and he had smiles on his face - but he did say "I have to stay b/c my stepmom doesn't want me". They corrected him saying "your stepmom wants to be sure you learn to cope with everything and don't get used to running home when it gets hard". Still - ouch!

Meanwhile I was ready to call DH to wake him up despite double shift tonight - if SS14 needed to come home. It's ultimately HIS kid who's running... that makes me feel like a meanie for waking him up though.

Am I babbling? - I'm just not sure how to handle this staying home from school thing. Am I the bad guy?

I think if he breaks down crying in the middle of school that perhaps he needs therapy even tho he says he doesn't.

Taking on three SSs with a DH who works second shift is a HUGE undertaking.! I can do it but boy could I use help, support, correction where I'm wrong.

My kids are sooooo different. I did not expect this.

Thanks for listening and sorry I wrote so much.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31685 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:39:13 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31685
His kids are sooooo messy. The bathroom was disgusting this morning despite their Dad writing notes (he works 2nd shift) giving them chores. They tell me they're done with the chores but when I go in the chore is not complete. I can't keep following up and chasing them down.

My own kids just do their chores and get them done. They're not neat by any means but they're not pigs. They are disgusted with the mess these SSs leave behind.

I love these steens and want them to grow up responsible adults. I want them to realize that they are living with other people now so they have to learn to be respectful of the shared spaces...

How do you go about enforcing your DHs rules and getting the SSs to cooperate? I'm so tired of calling them back and can't waste my evenings standing over them. I work full time so we all have to pull our weight.

Talking doesn't help. They are so used to being wild and ungoverned - this will take a long time to change.

Iknew this would be hard - it's much harder than I thought though.

How can I cope with such a huge change in styles? It's a result, i believe, of losing their mom so early in life. I'm sure for the first year and maybe more it was just a matter of survival for them all.

Regardless of understanding that - I am so frustrated and feel helpless. I sometimes wish they'd never moved in (their house didn't sell yet.) I wish me and my DH were still dating. We love each other and he stands by me but is as frustrated as me - he's just not there b/c of his second shift work - it all falls to me!

I'm at my wits end and ready to shatter sometimes.

Ideas on how to get them to cooperate?
Thanks!]]>
His kids are sooooo messy. The bathroom was disgusting this morning despite their Dad writing notes (he works 2nd shift) giving them chores. They tell me they're done with the chores but when I go in the chore is not complete. I can't keep following up and chasing them down.

My own kids just do their chores and get them done. They're not neat by any means but they're not pigs. They are disgusted with the mess these SSs leave behind.

I love these steens and want them to grow up responsible adults. I want them to realize that they are living with other people now so they have to learn to be respectful of the shared spaces...

How do you go about enforcing your DHs rules and getting the SSs to cooperate? I'm so tired of calling them back and can't waste my evenings standing over them. I work full time so we all have to pull our weight.

Talking doesn't help. They are so used to being wild and ungoverned - this will take a long time to change.

Iknew this would be hard - it's much harder than I thought though.

How can I cope with such a huge change in styles? It's a result, i believe, of losing their mom so early in life. I'm sure for the first year and maybe more it was just a matter of survival for them all.

Regardless of understanding that - I am so frustrated and feel helpless. I sometimes wish they'd never moved in (their house didn't sell yet.) I wish me and my DH were still dating. We love each other and he stands by me but is as frustrated as me - he's just not there b/c of his second shift work - it all falls to me!

I'm at my wits end and ready to shatter sometimes.

Ideas on how to get them to cooperate?
Thanks!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31684 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:40:04 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31684 A little background..I am a 44 year old new stepmother to a 9 1/2 SD. DH and I just got married 6 months ago, and I have relocated to a new state to be with him and start a new life. I found a new job after having left my very well paying old one, and I am now slowly starting to make friends at work so I finally have some sort of outlet away from here.

Things are very stressful for me in this situation. SD is a spoiled brat and only child, is already very manipulative, and on top of it has ADD. DH chooses not to medicate, which is his choice. However, DH is a very lazy parent. BM is a complete mess. This is a very long and detailed story, which maybe I will get to another time...but right now I need to hear how some of you may have handled a certain situation:

SD is very inattentive and lazy. I am sure this is due to her ADD. She "forgets" her homework a lot at school. She has had several "sick" absences due to BM being too lazy to make sure she gets to school on time (long story), so she is failing math and really falls behind. At her school they have something called "the Breakfast Club" for students who always and consistently do their homework. The school invites these kids to come in about 1/2 hour early and feeds them a special breakfast of juice, muffins, etc. Last night, SD "forgot" her homework at school again. DH was upset with her and threatened her with her not being able to go to Breakfast Club. ( I honestly don't know how she was invited to go this time as she missed 4 days of school in the last 2 weeks.) He told her to go to her room because he was upset. She sat on the couch whining and fake crying, saying it was "an accident". She then proceeded to hug on him and act very babyish (manipulative) and asked if she could watch TV with him in the living room. Well, that was the end of her "punishment". She proceeded to turn on the TV and rule the roost again. DH mulled over with her that maybe the teacher would let her make up her homework during recess? Then they both agreed and all was well with the world. This morning, he wakes her up early so she can go to Breakfast Club!!!

I am so upset right now! I CANNOT believe this kid isn't being taught responsibility and consequences for her actions!! She is actually being REWARDED for "forgetting" her schoolwork yet again!! I just seethe inside and I didn't say anything...because in the past I have said something to DH and he immediately gets defensive and tells me I "always have issues" with SD. I see the injustice here and it kills me, because I know 6 or 7 years down the road, this kid is gonna wind up pregnant and whine to DH that it was "an accident".

What would you do?]]> A little background..I am a 44 year old new stepmother to a 9 1/2 SD. DH and I just got married 6 months ago, and I have relocated to a new state to be with him and start a new life. I found a new job after having left my very well paying old one, and I am now slowly starting to make friends at work so I finally have some sort of outlet away from here.

Things are very stressful for me in this situation. SD is a spoiled brat and only child, is already very manipulative, and on top of it has ADD. DH chooses not to medicate, which is his choice. However, DH is a very lazy parent. BM is a complete mess. This is a very long and detailed story, which maybe I will get to another time...but right now I need to hear how some of you may have handled a certain situation:

SD is very inattentive and lazy. I am sure this is due to her ADD. She "forgets" her homework a lot at school. She has had several "sick" absences due to BM being too lazy to make sure she gets to school on time (long story), so she is failing math and really falls behind. At her school they have something called "the Breakfast Club" for students who always and consistently do their homework. The school invites these kids to come in about 1/2 hour early and feeds them a special breakfast of juice, muffins, etc. Last night, SD "forgot" her homework at school again. DH was upset with her and threatened her with her not being able to go to Breakfast Club. ( I honestly don't know how she was invited to go this time as she missed 4 days of school in the last 2 weeks.) He told her to go to her room because he was upset. She sat on the couch whining and fake crying, saying it was "an accident". She then proceeded to hug on him and act very babyish (manipulative) and asked if she could watch TV with him in the living room. Well, that was the end of her "punishment". She proceeded to turn on the TV and rule the roost again. DH mulled over with her that maybe the teacher would let her make up her homework during recess? Then they both agreed and all was well with the world. This morning, he wakes her up early so she can go to Breakfast Club!!!

I am so upset right now! I CANNOT believe this kid isn't being taught responsibility and consequences for her actions!! She is actually being REWARDED for "forgetting" her schoolwork yet again!! I just seethe inside and I didn't say anything...because in the past I have said something to DH and he immediately gets defensive and tells me I "always have issues" with SD. I see the injustice here and it kills me, because I know 6 or 7 years down the road, this kid is gonna wind up pregnant and whine to DH that it was "an accident".

What would you do?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31683 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 02:54:01 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31683
Wednesday, I went to the school to drop off clothes for SD to wear for 'Wacky Wednesday'. As I was leaving, BM was getting off the bus with SD and her other daughter. SD came up to me and said she didn't feel good. I felt her head and she had no fever. I asked if she had eaten breakfast and she said no. I gave her a banana and told her to eat and try to go to school but that if she was still feeling poorly to have the teacher call me. I emailed her teacher and sure enough, got an email to come and get her around 10am.

DH was off but not answering so I left to get SD. As soon as we got into the car I told her that I knew she knew her mom was leaving and that it was natural for her to be feeling upset right now but that she could always talk to me and daddy. SD talked to me for a bit. She said she was really hurt when her mom told her she was leaving. I asked if she had told her mom how she felt and she said no. So basically, SD was given all this information over the weekend with no way to deal with it, process it or talk about it with anyone. DH kept an eye on her all day yesterday and last night she spent a lot of time talking to DH and then to me about what was going on.

This morning we ask how she felt. She said she felt so much better after she got to really talk about everything. Then she paused and said, but I'm still sick. (She has had the sniffles.) She was dressed and ready for school and had a great day though.

When I got home from work, SD was watching TV with Grandpa which she knows is not allowed. We talked about consequences and I asked what I could do to help her follow the rules. She said that I pay more attention to my job than to her. This is the second time since BM came back that she's said this and is a completly new sediment for her so I'm 100% sure that it didn't come from SD, but from BM. Especially when I questioned her about it, she said that 'well my mom doesn't work.' So we talked about why I work and we talked about all the things the money from my job buys (food, clothing, private school tuition, etc.) and how it was part of being a responsible parent to take care of your kid's needs. Then we talked about the time we do get to spend together. We have decided to spend Saturday as a Mandilu/SD day and planned out our agenda.

I feel attacked. BM doesn't feed SD any garbage about DH... It's just me. I don't understand why she feels the need to undermine what I do for DH. I am not a bad mom because I don't live off welfare and spend all my time watching novellas. GRRR!!!]]>
Wednesday, I went to the school to drop off clothes for SD to wear for 'Wacky Wednesday'. As I was leaving, BM was getting off the bus with SD and her other daughter. SD came up to me and said she didn't feel good. I felt her head and she had no fever. I asked if she had eaten breakfast and she said no. I gave her a banana and told her to eat and try to go to school but that if she was still feeling poorly to have the teacher call me. I emailed her teacher and sure enough, got an email to come and get her around 10am.

DH was off but not answering so I left to get SD. As soon as we got into the car I told her that I knew she knew her mom was leaving and that it was natural for her to be feeling upset right now but that she could always talk to me and daddy. SD talked to me for a bit. She said she was really hurt when her mom told her she was leaving. I asked if she had told her mom how she felt and she said no. So basically, SD was given all this information over the weekend with no way to deal with it, process it or talk about it with anyone. DH kept an eye on her all day yesterday and last night she spent a lot of time talking to DH and then to me about what was going on.

This morning we ask how she felt. She said she felt so much better after she got to really talk about everything. Then she paused and said, but I'm still sick. (She has had the sniffles.) She was dressed and ready for school and had a great day though.

When I got home from work, SD was watching TV with Grandpa which she knows is not allowed. We talked about consequences and I asked what I could do to help her follow the rules. She said that I pay more attention to my job than to her. This is the second time since BM came back that she's said this and is a completly new sediment for her so I'm 100% sure that it didn't come from SD, but from BM. Especially when I questioned her about it, she said that 'well my mom doesn't work.' So we talked about why I work and we talked about all the things the money from my job buys (food, clothing, private school tuition, etc.) and how it was part of being a responsible parent to take care of your kid's needs. Then we talked about the time we do get to spend together. We have decided to spend Saturday as a Mandilu/SD day and planned out our agenda.

I feel attacked. BM doesn't feed SD any garbage about DH... It's just me. I don't understand why she feels the need to undermine what I do for DH. I am not a bad mom because I don't live off welfare and spend all my time watching novellas. GRRR!!!]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31682 Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:42:11 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31682

HOWEVER...

He completely disrespects the rules we have for SD!! He was at my house when I stopped home for lunch... which is fine. We chatted for a bit and he said he wanted to pick up SD from school. I told him that was fine but the she wasn't allowed to watch TV or play video games on school days. That she needed to do her homework and if she finished she was welcome to play in her room or he could take her to play outside. I said this at least 2 or 3 times!! And this isn't the first time I've told this to him.

Why is it that I come home and he and SD are both propped up on the couch watching TV???!!! He said that SD had told him she doesn't really have homework.

That's fine but it's still a school night and SD is still not allowed to watch TV on school nights. AND I HAD JUST TOLD HIM THAT!!!!

I asked SD about the rule about TV on school nights and she looked sheepish and explained she wasn't allowed to watch. I told her she lost her privilages of playing with the tablet on Saturday. I hate punishing her but I can't punish Grandpa and at 7 years old, she does know the rules.

I'm just really frusterated. What do I do about FIL??? If he continues to undermine the structure we have in our home, I'm not sure I want him caring for SD.]]>

HOWEVER...

He completely disrespects the rules we have for SD!! He was at my house when I stopped home for lunch... which is fine. We chatted for a bit and he said he wanted to pick up SD from school. I told him that was fine but the she wasn't allowed to watch TV or play video games on school days. That she needed to do her homework and if she finished she was welcome to play in her room or he could take her to play outside. I said this at least 2 or 3 times!! And this isn't the first time I've told this to him.

Why is it that I come home and he and SD are both propped up on the couch watching TV???!!! He said that SD had told him she doesn't really have homework.

That's fine but it's still a school night and SD is still not allowed to watch TV on school nights. AND I HAD JUST TOLD HIM THAT!!!!

I asked SD about the rule about TV on school nights and she looked sheepish and explained she wasn't allowed to watch. I told her she lost her privilages of playing with the tablet on Saturday. I hate punishing her but I can't punish Grandpa and at 7 years old, she does know the rules.

I'm just really frusterated. What do I do about FIL??? If he continues to undermine the structure we have in our home, I'm not sure I want him caring for SD.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31681 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:08:38 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31681 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31680 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:31:10 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31680
The childrens health and well being are at stake and she is throwing false accusations around to police, social services and even medical doctors that SO is going to kill her and the kids.

This woman is sick. She put sd4 through an internal examination that was completely uncalled for as her 6 year old cousin was the victim.

We believe BM has Borderline Personality with Munchausens by proxy and also is a complete narcissist.

The children are showing signs of alienation and mental abuse. She is withholding the children saying that they are not safe with their father and myself.

We have documented and recorded conversations with BM and one with her fiance where he called claiming my SO threatened to kill BM at drop off. My SO filled in her fiance on how BM really is and her fiance agreed to her behaviours and lies.

Social services is investigating our claim and if they do nothing we will be taking her to court ASAP. The longer these children are subjected to her mental abuse the worse things are going to get. I am sick for these kids.

We are prepared to pay for her to get a court ordered psych evaluation and to obtain custody of the children. I know it is easier said than done but we HAVE to fight for those kids.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.]]>
The childrens health and well being are at stake and she is throwing false accusations around to police, social services and even medical doctors that SO is going to kill her and the kids.

This woman is sick. She put sd4 through an internal examination that was completely uncalled for as her 6 year old cousin was the victim.

We believe BM has Borderline Personality with Munchausens by proxy and also is a complete narcissist.

The children are showing signs of alienation and mental abuse. She is withholding the children saying that they are not safe with their father and myself.

We have documented and recorded conversations with BM and one with her fiance where he called claiming my SO threatened to kill BM at drop off. My SO filled in her fiance on how BM really is and her fiance agreed to her behaviours and lies.

Social services is investigating our claim and if they do nothing we will be taking her to court ASAP. The longer these children are subjected to her mental abuse the worse things are going to get. I am sick for these kids.

We are prepared to pay for her to get a court ordered psych evaluation and to obtain custody of the children. I know it is easier said than done but we HAVE to fight for those kids.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31679 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:53:58 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31679
FSD13 is a wonderful girl, intelligent and articulate, good at school and with a reasonable circle of friends. She was the first to start calling me stepmother and is proud to introduce me as such, and says she is glad for a big sister type figure in her life. I see this as good. We will go walking together and she will talk about all kinds of things, trivial to deep feelings. I am delighted that she will talk to me about things. (A little freaked out when it is stuff that I think that her parents should know and she doesn't want me to tell them, and I am grateful from the bottom of my heart that she finally did.)

Yet I see the deteriorating relationship with her dad (my bf) and it grieves me to see the pain there. They are more alike than either would like to admit and both can be stubborn and unyielding, prone to snapping and to taking offense when snapped at. I see his pain, and yes jealousy, that she will sit talking to me, sharing music, wanting hugs etc. and yet won't with him.

The divorce was 2 years ago with a joint custody (Mon-Thurs with BM and Fri evening - Mon morning + public holidays with BD.). BM moved on first, leaving the marriage and straight into a new relationship. 2 more relationships down the line she is engaged to marry at the end of this year, and has a new 4 month old baby. BM and fiance have moved into a new house together, with the 3 girls sharing a room, new baby has a room and they have a room - this being relevant as the skids don't get alone space at BM's house and seem keen to have it when with us.

BF is scared of losing his daughter and jealous that she has bonded so well with her FSDad - I see the pain flash in his eyes when she talks about doing stuff with FSDad. He worries that she is happier at her mother's and won't want to see him. The irony is that she also seems scared of losing him based on some of the bits she has said to me. Yet the two seem distant and wary around each other, expecting to be hurt, interpreting the worst in what the other says. She can be surly and sullen with the best of teenagers without realising; he can be curt and inclined to snap without consciousness. A few lines into the conversation and both will feel agrieved or wronged by the other, and often are too... I guess proud... to see where their own attitudes have doomed the conversation from the start. She will lash out and say she doesn't want to come and visit; he is tired of 'walking on eggshells' around her and wants a reprieve from the tense atmosphere.

I've asked if it would help for her and him to have more father-daughter time, and neither seems to feel this will change things. I've asked her outright if she'd like me to buzz off for a bit and she says she'd rather have me around as they argue more when I am not there. I wondered if she felt pushed out by my presence in the house, as if the appearance of a second adult on the scene has displaced her given he will treat her more like an adult and now the adult responsibilities are lessened. She didn't seem to think so - she will simultaneously say she enjoys helping with the younger 2 girls but likes not HAVING to do it if she doesn't feel like it.

Maybe she is just looking for boundaries and her place within the new family? He is inclined toward guilt as a person, he does feel divorce guilt and does want the girls to enjoy time with him, so there are no boundaries such as set bedtimes and the concept of chores has only been introduced in the last month or so. FSD will frequently be up past midnight on a Friday and a Saturday, so perhaps it's as simple as being overtired and cranky. (I know I certainly get that way with lack of sleep.) Again, just ideas rattling around inside my head and I don't know how much of a factor they play.

My gut instinct says that she is confused and is lashing out. What she wants, how she wants to be treated etc. seems to vary with the phase of the moon. She will bottle things up and then come out with them all at once at a later date, but equally she will say contradictory things with great passion then a little later be unsure why she said them. She says she is ok with the divorce and is happy that her parents are happy, and that seems genuine on a conscious level at least. Generally I just encourage her to talk and listen to what comes out without offering too much comment, so that she knows she has an opportunity to speak frankly without judgement. Sometimes the way she speaks about her parents makes me wonder if she is looking for reasons to be angry at her dad, perhaps as a focus for her emotions? Their half-sister was born with a lot of health problems, so I wonder whether there's the unconscious rationalisation that BM doesn't need more on her plate but her dad is fair game? (Just hypothesising; I wouldn't have her as the consciously manipulative type.) He's not coping with the emotional battering though.

I want to help. Mostly I want to bash their heads together and let them see that each wants the other to love and approve of them. I've managed to get them to sit down and talk once or twice, and then things have bubbled to the surface that they've been repressing and the tension has briefly eased but not resolved. I'd wondered suggesting joint counselling for them if it continues down this track.

I know I need to realise that the dysfunction is not of my doing, and what I didn't break isn't my responsibility to fix. (Though it is hard to hear from the BF that he thought the relationship with FSD was fine, or at least didn't have this level of problem, until I came along, even though she does not seem to think that.) But how can I better support each of them? Equally, how do I balance supporting him and supporting her appropriately, without tearing myself in half?

It's going to be a turbulent few years if we can't sort this out now.]]>
FSD13 is a wonderful girl, intelligent and articulate, good at school and with a reasonable circle of friends. She was the first to start calling me stepmother and is proud to introduce me as such, and says she is glad for a big sister type figure in her life. I see this as good. We will go walking together and she will talk about all kinds of things, trivial to deep feelings. I am delighted that she will talk to me about things. (A little freaked out when it is stuff that I think that her parents should know and she doesn't want me to tell them, and I am grateful from the bottom of my heart that she finally did.)

Yet I see the deteriorating relationship with her dad (my bf) and it grieves me to see the pain there. They are more alike than either would like to admit and both can be stubborn and unyielding, prone to snapping and to taking offense when snapped at. I see his pain, and yes jealousy, that she will sit talking to me, sharing music, wanting hugs etc. and yet won't with him.

The divorce was 2 years ago with a joint custody (Mon-Thurs with BM and Fri evening - Mon morning + public holidays with BD.). BM moved on first, leaving the marriage and straight into a new relationship. 2 more relationships down the line she is engaged to marry at the end of this year, and has a new 4 month old baby. BM and fiance have moved into a new house together, with the 3 girls sharing a room, new baby has a room and they have a room - this being relevant as the skids don't get alone space at BM's house and seem keen to have it when with us.

BF is scared of losing his daughter and jealous that she has bonded so well with her FSDad - I see the pain flash in his eyes when she talks about doing stuff with FSDad. He worries that she is happier at her mother's and won't want to see him. The irony is that she also seems scared of losing him based on some of the bits she has said to me. Yet the two seem distant and wary around each other, expecting to be hurt, interpreting the worst in what the other says. She can be surly and sullen with the best of teenagers without realising; he can be curt and inclined to snap without consciousness. A few lines into the conversation and both will feel agrieved or wronged by the other, and often are too... I guess proud... to see where their own attitudes have doomed the conversation from the start. She will lash out and say she doesn't want to come and visit; he is tired of 'walking on eggshells' around her and wants a reprieve from the tense atmosphere.

I've asked if it would help for her and him to have more father-daughter time, and neither seems to feel this will change things. I've asked her outright if she'd like me to buzz off for a bit and she says she'd rather have me around as they argue more when I am not there. I wondered if she felt pushed out by my presence in the house, as if the appearance of a second adult on the scene has displaced her given he will treat her more like an adult and now the adult responsibilities are lessened. She didn't seem to think so - she will simultaneously say she enjoys helping with the younger 2 girls but likes not HAVING to do it if she doesn't feel like it.

Maybe she is just looking for boundaries and her place within the new family? He is inclined toward guilt as a person, he does feel divorce guilt and does want the girls to enjoy time with him, so there are no boundaries such as set bedtimes and the concept of chores has only been introduced in the last month or so. FSD will frequently be up past midnight on a Friday and a Saturday, so perhaps it's as simple as being overtired and cranky. (I know I certainly get that way with lack of sleep.) Again, just ideas rattling around inside my head and I don't know how much of a factor they play.

My gut instinct says that she is confused and is lashing out. What she wants, how she wants to be treated etc. seems to vary with the phase of the moon. She will bottle things up and then come out with them all at once at a later date, but equally she will say contradictory things with great passion then a little later be unsure why she said them. She says she is ok with the divorce and is happy that her parents are happy, and that seems genuine on a conscious level at least. Generally I just encourage her to talk and listen to what comes out without offering too much comment, so that she knows she has an opportunity to speak frankly without judgement. Sometimes the way she speaks about her parents makes me wonder if she is looking for reasons to be angry at her dad, perhaps as a focus for her emotions? Their half-sister was born with a lot of health problems, so I wonder whether there's the unconscious rationalisation that BM doesn't need more on her plate but her dad is fair game? (Just hypothesising; I wouldn't have her as the consciously manipulative type.) He's not coping with the emotional battering though.

I want to help. Mostly I want to bash their heads together and let them see that each wants the other to love and approve of them. I've managed to get them to sit down and talk once or twice, and then things have bubbled to the surface that they've been repressing and the tension has briefly eased but not resolved. I'd wondered suggesting joint counselling for them if it continues down this track.

I know I need to realise that the dysfunction is not of my doing, and what I didn't break isn't my responsibility to fix. (Though it is hard to hear from the BF that he thought the relationship with FSD was fine, or at least didn't have this level of problem, until I came along, even though she does not seem to think that.) But how can I better support each of them? Equally, how do I balance supporting him and supporting her appropriately, without tearing myself in half?

It's going to be a turbulent few years if we can't sort this out now.]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31676 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:15:55 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31676
However, if eventually the child support goes up. I have an idea that I shared with FDH this morning.

I want to open another checking account, in our name but for the child support. The child support goes directly into our account now, but we could change it to go into the CS account. Each of us would have a check card for that account as well, just like 'our' account. I would have a check book register just like with 'our' account. Then if the boys need new shoes or clothes or school supplies. We use 'CS account' and I can keep track of what the CS was spent on. And how much they have remaining in 'CS account". If we need to transfer some to pay for daycare or help with the bills (for the boys usage - which wouldn't be often, our pay covers our bills with plenty to spare) I could transfer to our account to write the check and write on the register "X-FER to 'our account' to pay daycare (water, electric, and so on)." Then anything left in the account would be the boy's money. It would save up in there and be their's to spend if they want something extra. Then if BM ever tries to say we are using the CS for us and not the boys. I would have all the registers and be able to show EXACTLY what it was spent on.

What do you ladies think of this idea?]]>
However, if eventually the child support goes up. I have an idea that I shared with FDH this morning.

I want to open another checking account, in our name but for the child support. The child support goes directly into our account now, but we could change it to go into the CS account. Each of us would have a check card for that account as well, just like 'our' account. I would have a check book register just like with 'our' account. Then if the boys need new shoes or clothes or school supplies. We use 'CS account' and I can keep track of what the CS was spent on. And how much they have remaining in 'CS account". If we need to transfer some to pay for daycare or help with the bills (for the boys usage - which wouldn't be often, our pay covers our bills with plenty to spare) I could transfer to our account to write the check and write on the register "X-FER to 'our account' to pay daycare (water, electric, and so on)." Then anything left in the account would be the boy's money. It would save up in there and be their's to spend if they want something extra. Then if BM ever tries to say we are using the CS for us and not the boys. I would have all the registers and be able to show EXACTLY what it was spent on.

What do you ladies think of this idea?]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31675 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:50:39 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31675

Comment 1:
Christmas Eve 2010, we're driving back with both boys from BM's house to ours (ages 17 & 20 for reference). They were griping about their stepfather. I commented that I'd be afraid to hear what they say about me when I'm not around. OSS immediately and enthusiastically says:

"Well, at least you're not a RAGING A$$HOLE!"

and YSS agreed. DH and I burst out laughing, then they tried to backpedal, thinking they'd offended us. I thought it was high praise.


Comment 2:
OSS21 is done with his trade schooling and has been kind of couch surfing between BMs and here. When he's here, I toss him out of the house between 10am and 5:30pm daily, and I've put parental controls on the WiFi router so that he only has internet access between 6pm and midnight. I've been riding his butt to actually go out and buy the tools that he needs for his trade. Seriously getting on him about it. Well, he finally got half of the tools last week, just in time to be able to honestly answer in a couple of interviews about how much he's invested in tools.

He came home yesterday afternoon (well before the 5:30 time), walked in the door and said:

"Thank you for being such a pain in my a$$!"

and then he hugged me.
He'd gotten a job offer for his dream job, that he wouldn't have gotten if he hadn't purchased the tools (the other half were delivered yesterday as well).


So, should I be more proud that I'm not a Raging A$$hole, or that I'm a successful PITA?
]]>

Comment 1:
Christmas Eve 2010, we're driving back with both boys from BM's house to ours (ages 17 & 20 for reference). They were griping about their stepfather. I commented that I'd be afraid to hear what they say about me when I'm not around. OSS immediately and enthusiastically says:

"Well, at least you're not a RAGING A$$HOLE!"

and YSS agreed. DH and I burst out laughing, then they tried to backpedal, thinking they'd offended us. I thought it was high praise.


Comment 2:
OSS21 is done with his trade schooling and has been kind of couch surfing between BMs and here. When he's here, I toss him out of the house between 10am and 5:30pm daily, and I've put parental controls on the WiFi router so that he only has internet access between 6pm and midnight. I've been riding his butt to actually go out and buy the tools that he needs for his trade. Seriously getting on him about it. Well, he finally got half of the tools last week, just in time to be able to honestly answer in a couple of interviews about how much he's invested in tools.

He came home yesterday afternoon (well before the 5:30 time), walked in the door and said:

"Thank you for being such a pain in my a$$!"

and then he hugged me.
He'd gotten a job offer for his dream job, that he wouldn't have gotten if he hadn't purchased the tools (the other half were delivered yesterday as well).


So, should I be more proud that I'm not a Raging A$$hole, or that I'm a successful PITA?
]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31674 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:30:54 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31674
Well Sunday FSS4 started running a fever. Not super high so we didn't have to take him to the doctor. He was out of daycare Monday and Tuesday. Was able to return yesterday. We believe he had a cold of some sort.

Yesterday I had to leave work early. I seem to have got what he had. My head hurts, I'm congested, and my throat is killing me. I'm coughing a sneezing up a storm.

This morning I woke up and feel worse than yesterday. Work is not going to happen. Oh and now FDH has seem to caught it as well. I told him yesterday I shouldn't have kissed him and he said "You know my immune system, I never get sick." lol so we are both home sick. Fighting over who has to get up and take the boys to where they need to be. I won. He just left to take FSS4 to daycare. Then is going to get us medicine. Then will be taking FSS7 to school. I got up and helped get them ready though, from the couch. Lol "Go do this. Go do this."]]>
Well Sunday FSS4 started running a fever. Not super high so we didn't have to take him to the doctor. He was out of daycare Monday and Tuesday. Was able to return yesterday. We believe he had a cold of some sort.

Yesterday I had to leave work early. I seem to have got what he had. My head hurts, I'm congested, and my throat is killing me. I'm coughing a sneezing up a storm.

This morning I woke up and feel worse than yesterday. Work is not going to happen. Oh and now FDH has seem to caught it as well. I told him yesterday I shouldn't have kissed him and he said "You know my immune system, I never get sick." lol so we are both home sick. Fighting over who has to get up and take the boys to where they need to be. I won. He just left to take FSS4 to daycare. Then is going to get us medicine. Then will be taking FSS7 to school. I got up and helped get them ready though, from the couch. Lol "Go do this. Go do this."]]> http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31673 Thu, 02 Feb 2012 11:47:49 +0000 http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=31673