Crazy?

[KellieL]

I appreciate all the care and concern.

DH wasn't saying he'd find daycare out of kindness for me. He was saying since I dislike and resent the boys, he wants to find them somewhere.

We've been talking all day. I told him my stepping back plan. He is in agreement. I told him if I get annoyed by the boys, they are being loud, whatever -- to not get mad at me if I leave the room.

We're working on it together, is the important thing.

Thanks again ladies.

[LifeisaQuestion]

(07-29-2010 04:13 PM)KellieL Wrote:  DH wasn't saying he'd find daycare out of kindness for me. He was saying since I dislike and resent the boys, he wants to find them somewhere.

We've been talking all day. I told him my stepping back plan. He is in agreement. I told him if I get annoyed by the boys, they are being loud, whatever -- to not get mad at me if I leave the room.

We're working on it together, is the important thing.

Thanks again ladies.

Maybe he wasn't but that doesn't mean it can't work out that way.

I'm glad you two are talking about it.

[mommaly]

BIG HUGE HUGS! Now go do something nice for yourself. :-)

[Agnes]

It's a balance thing. My dh still has yet to learn it. We did have a long discussion about it before the kids came. He expects me to be MOTY in their face with them every second from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. Me I can't handle that much when they aren't my kids & I'm not used to having them. The kids are the same about me & technically dh would be that way if he were home with them & not working.

I've made sure I took ME time which isn't really me time because it's grocery shopping for the week by myself.

Be kinder to yourself... it's a journey, one that everyone involved needs to learn to adjust to. <3

[TwinkleToes]

The thing I've noticed is that--when DH really has to deal with SS10 for LONG stretches of time, DH can get really annoyed with SS10. Even more annoyed than I allow myself to get.

The problem is when I'm dealing with it, he always seems to assume I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He assumes he'd react differently.

Then when DH has to deal with him all weekend--he strarts to get a little nuts.

A lot of his "great parenting" ideas only work when he can pass SS10 off to somebody else to deal with him.

The problem was, I gave up on DH believing me or being able to sympathize with me. He really needs to experience it on his own.

I think you will be better off in the long run due to this.

1. Even if the kids are angels at daycare, you won't have to get annoyed with them so often.

2. Chances are the kids won't be perfect at day care, but any feedback will be viewed differntly from daycare.

It's okay not to watch them all the time.

[StepWidow]

Let's think about this for a second... Ok... I think the realization that 100% of the responsibility for the boys falls on DH and you... since BM's death... it's starting to set in... for both of you really... but I think probably more so for you... which I would imagine is what can lead to some of the resentment.

Heck I have resentment... I do WAY more for SS 9 than I should ever "have" to... grant it 90% of the time I can do it happily... but come on... when he's a turd and I find myself running in circles... feeling way less than appreciated... those words creep into my head... and the self talk begins... and I start getting resentment.

The dialogue in my brain is something like this...


-SS is acting like a butt, yet here I am driving him around to get to karate... it's not like his MOM would do it... yet here he is not thankful in the slightest...

- SS doesn't like anything I do, he thinks BM's a goddess, yet she's the one that "left" him... here I am to be here for him and he can't even behave for 10 mins.

-SS is telling me all the about the amazing things that BM is promising they are going to do... which usually falls through, yet he's more excited about her empty promises than being thankful that we did 3 special things this week.... UGH!

You get the idea... and yeah... I get the resentment bug up my butt.

Here's the thing... usually I can snap out of it and quit that dialogue... BECAUSE... I know that I'm doing it by CHOICE. Kellie... you do not HAVE to do the "daycare" for SS's... honestly it's not your "job" or "duty" or "requirement" in life. Not doing it... does NOT make you a bad Smom either! In all reality SS's are DH's responsibility when it comes down to it. I can say if I felt I didn't have a "choice" then my load of resentment would be a LOT bigger. Thankfully... my DH doesn't leave me feeling like I don't have choices. He backs me when I say to SS 9... "You don't behave, or get your homework done... I don't take you to karate." I hate to say it.. but in all reality our "relationship" is a little bit "conditional" and I know that's going to sound bad... but hear me out. I will love SS's no matter what... what I won't do is be walked on by SS's... NO MATTER WHAT!

This really does come down to DH... Yes... he may be looking at this like he has to do this daycare thing BECAUSE of YOU... when in all reality that's NOT the case. IF DH could support you a little better with SS's... maybe just maybe your resentment could diminish. Also... thank him for taking the boys to daycare... it could save your marriage. Maybe it's a case of they need to go to daycare half the time... cutting you a "break" in some respect.

I personally think it's a good thing and it does NOT have to be forever... it would however empower you to decide what you are willing to do, rather than feeling trapped into it... feeling like you don't have a choice and building resentment over it.

It might also help your DH to understand the magnitude of the responsibility for the boys... empower him to take care of them a bit more on his own. Then... you can work together to find a new way... not a way that is dumped on you... not a way that is forced on you... in a way that says... This is what I'm willing to do.

I understand your hurt feelings though for DH's take on the situation. I would be VERY upset if DH came to me in this manner. We haven't had this exact issue... but I can understand it... we have had something vaguely similar... BUT the difference is... my DH (having done it on his own for a couple years before me) was so used to it... that there have been some instances that I would LIKE to be there and he's sort of assumed that he has to do it all.

I'm sorry you have some things coming to a head right now. It's my prayer that you can find a way to come together in a working relationship where you are less resentful, DH supports you more and the boys get what they need.

I also think this could have something to do with you not getting some special one on one time with DH while the boys were away... I would be frustrated too... now they are back... it's back to manning your post... no special time with DH in site... time to get some scheduled... you have to have something to look forward to.

I cornered my man about this weekend. Bottom line... you have to make you and him a priority... DH has to do the same... or well... resentment will build.

Hang in there girl... you ever want to talk... you know where to find me... Here... FB... whatever...

HUGE HUGS!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))​)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Fairydust]

Kellie, I just wanted to send you some hugs and say that you are not crazy. You've got alot going on and a lot to deal with. Your doing the right thing by working together with DH, that is most important.

Honestly and I absolutely love MY bio-babies and most weeks I really enjoy the 3 days I am off to work...do I wish I worked shorted days - yes, but I still like that either DH or babysitter is dealing. (HUGS)

[mandilu84]

You are NOT crazy!!! It's okay to be feeling the way you do. Bio-Parents lose their cool with their kids. In our situations, we have the stress of regular kids PLUS the added disadvantage of not having the choice to bring them into the world, not being able to establish rules and guidelines for them since birth, having some other woman get the title of "mother" plus our DHs sometimes seem to feel like they have to choose the kids over us rather than co-parenting with us. It's enough to drive anyone nuts!!!

Daycare may not be a bad thing. It'll give you some time for YOU and give the kids an environment where they are staying busy and have structured activities planned. Then the time that you do have with the stepkids, you aren't as stressed out.

Keep in mind too that the boys are probably still acting out because they are dealing with the death of BM and are harder to deal with. They also might be testing you more than anyone else because they are trying to prove that you aren't replacing their mom or because they feel disloyal. Just thoughts.

Go easy on yourself!!! You have all been through a lot!!

[Jacob's SM]

Hang in there girly!!!

Make yourself happy, and worry about yourself for once!

[cantbemom]

Been there done that too Kellie! Saved me for a time and helped us transition into a different place in our lives as a whole. Hang in there. Take sometime to learn about you and not worry about them, love yourself and retreat! We all need to at somepoint I think. Will be thinking of you as always!