Really need advice!

[beckij02]

First post! This may be long...I apologize but I really need some advice.

Background: BM & my DH met and found out they were pregnant within 2 months of dating. DH decided to marry her because (even then he knew she was psycho) he didnt want her to stick him with all the medical bills since she didnt have insurance. They got married in April 2007. She didnt move in with him until August 2007 (and they "split up" for a month in June). SD was born in November. She left him 7 days after she was born, and tried to accuse him of assult and slapped a protective order on him. He didnt see SD (now 2 & 1/2) for weeks afterwards. DH found NOT guilty of the assault, and granted joint physical & legal custody of SD. I met DH 7 months after they separated and stuck by him thru the whole divorce process. BM found out about me about a year after we started dating so she dragged the divorce out even longer. We got married 2.5 months ago. Since I have been in SD's life since she was 7 months old, she refers to me as mommy...she started calling me this on her own.

Problem: BM did not want to meet me until after DH & I were married. A few weeks ago, after her & DH are finally on speaking terms, he asked if she wanted to have a civil meeting with me prior to me starting to do pick up/drop off's. She then brought up that she didnt think it was appropriate for SD to be calling me mommy because "she has ONE mommy and ONE daddy" (her words). She said that SD could call me by my name or Miss Becki. DH told her nicely that he was not going to tell SD not to call me mommy, as I am a mother figure to her and it was SD's choice as to what she calls me. BM did not say anything after this but acted upset and said she would have to think about whether or not she wanted to meet with me. She still has not given us an answer.

Ever since then, SD has been telling me, DH and DH's mom that she doesnt love us. She has even gone as far as to smack us in the face when she says it. When she did it to me I grabbed her hand and told her it was not nice to hit, and that Daddy and I do love her very much. We picked her up today for her Wed-Fri visit with us. DH is working night work this week so I was putting her to bed myself. She is potty training now and sitting on the potty for the last time before bed. All the sudden she bursts out in tears and says "I want my other mommy!" I told her it was time to stay at daddy's house and that she was going back to her other house on Friday. She kept repeating over and over while crying, she wants to go back to her other house. I kept trying to explain that Daddy loves her too and wants to spend time with her. Then she started saying that she didnt love us again and she loved her other mommy. I told her that it wasnt nice to say that, and that daddy, me and her other mommy love her very much. I called DH to talk to her too and he asked her if someone told her to say that she didnt love us. She said her other mommy told her to say that. We told her that it was not nice of her other mommy to say that and Daddy and I love her more than anything in the world. At this point she is hysterical screaming that she wants to go to her other house and she doesnt want to stay with us. I finally got her off the potty and took her back in the bedroom and sat with her in the rocker and told her that no matter what anyone else tells her, me, daddy, her other mommy, all the grandparents, pets and everyone loves her. And that it is OK for her to love everyone too. I told her it was mean for her other mommy to say we didnt love her, and I was sorry that she had to keep going back and forth between mommy & daddy's house. By then I was crying trying to talk to her about this because I really dont know how to handle this. DH wants to confront BM but what could he say? She will just deny telling SD this. And yes, it is hurtful to us to hear those words come out of SD's mouth but the main person BM is hurting is her own daughter. Telling her that people she stays with 1/3 of the time dont love her and giving her anxiety about staying here overnight. I am really at a loss for what to do or say in this situation. Any advice would be appreciated. And again, sorry so long!

[rachey00]

My SS5 will be content with us for about a day and then it's "I want my mommy", "I don't Love my daddy" etc.... it hurts me, but what really hurts me is how bad it's hurt DH.... Anymore, we basically ignore it when he does this. We tell him that he needs to spend time with his daddy and that it hurts his daddy when he says those things..... Honestly, a child that young doesn't know what they are saying to an extent... yes they know they are homesick, but they can't really mean that they don't love you, or DH...... Heck half of the adults in the world don't really know what love is sometimes!.... you're doing the right things, just keep reassuring her that you do love her, and that daddy loves her.


As for confronting BM... yeah she'll probably deny it, and it'll get you no where... i agree w/ the above statments, just be the bigger person, she'll eventually realize on her own what BM is doing. She'll realize she really does love you all and that you love her.... give it time, it's hard but i think what you're doing will work great!

[beckij02]

Thank you guys so much for the support. I am so happy I found this site..Some of the posts make my issues seem not so bad!

The thing that breaks my heart is that SD is literally terrified to stay overnight with us now because of what BM is saying. God only knows what else she is putting into SD's head that she cant communicate to us since she is only 2.5. and yes, I agree, I do believe that BM wants SD to love only her. BM also has another daughter who is 9 and has pulled these issues with her as well (DH & I are in contact with the other daughter's father). and we have no problems with SD during the day...it just seems to be at bedtime or naptime. So I am not sure if she is just acting like this because she is tired, or what.

[really really?]

Kids (especially toddlers) need a LOT of comfort around bed-time. I would suggest trying to find a special comfort ritual for you and SD. Something where you sit and tell her how special your time together is. No need to discuss "other mommy" or anything...just tell her how great your special time together is. If she brings up "other mommy", redirect. "I know you want other mommy but right now is our very special time together...now we get to (fill in the blank) to get ready for bedtime!" in a light and happy voice. This works for me when my 6yr old sd gets the i-want-mommy-blues.


And WELCOME...congrats on having found a safe-haven in the crazy world of smomming!