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My SD15 played board games and laughed with DH and me Monday. Tuesday she is rude to me and goes into full blown melt down for what is apparently "pent up issues". Tuesday started like any other day with her waking up at 12:30 and doing her chores as quickly as possible. She then asks to go to her boyfriend's house. I told her that DH and I had discussed it and I would take her at 4:00. She asks the usual questions about why she has to wait and I put them right back to her about why she needs to go so early. She didn't give my any explanation and says it "just doesn't make sense". She went to get dressed.

When she said that her boyfriend's family (she is not allowed to ride alone with hime) showed up at 3:55 to pick her up I told her I would see her later. I looked out the window and saw her getting into his truck without a trace of the parents I was told was with him. I called her and told her to come back so I could verify the boyfriend's sister was in the truck. He dropped her off at the end of the driveway and spun out leaving (apparently mad).

I told her I just wanted to make sure his sister was in the car and if he came back within 10 min she could go with him. SD immediately called her BM and complained. Boyfriend and his dad showed up and said I should believe that SD was not lying because his "precious" son would never lie.

When DH got home SD refused to talk with me there so I went shopping. SD told DH that she felt the rules changed on whims, didn't want to do any physical work, didn't want to be at our house until school started (no offense though), wanted her allowance even though she was not at the house to do her chores, was feeling "afraid" of me (couldn't explain why), her BM wanted to talk to DH.

DH took SD to boyfriend's house and let her aunt pick her up later than normal curfew. I did some checking and SD cell phone calls don't add up to her telling the truth. But DH seems to be buying the bs anyway.

SD cannot move back with her BM because her mom has been deemed unfit by CPS last year. I missed the cuddly years and now I am stuck with the moody years. This stinks.

Wow...she's really into full-blown-teenage-brain isn't she? Good for you for checking on her and not falling for the BS.

I don't have any advice really, my oldest is only 11...but I do feel your pain and can offer hugs....(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Passing an umbrellie drink to you

Well, it's stressful to be "responsible" for a child that isn't yours!

Imagine what BM and DH would have felt/said if something bad had happened while SD was in her BF's car alone. They would not have been happy with you for "bending the rule".

I guess the main problem I see is that "you and DH agreed you'd take her at 4pm" and yet you were left alone to announce and enforce this.

It also sounds like DH gave you the impression that "no driving alone with BF" was the "official rule." But you felt that you were left alone to enforce this rule, and DH didn't come rushing to support you when you stood up for this rule.

Some ideas:

Put the rules like "no driving alone with BF" rule (and similar rules) in writing
and get everyone to sign it. Then post it somewhere. Don't do this for every little rule, but for the big rules.

Then when she breaks the rule, always say "I'm just following the rules we agreed to. If you have a problem with the rules we should discuss it with DH, but until I hear differently from DH, this is what I think he wants me to do.

Feel free to call or text him to "ask him" about things that SD is doing.

Also, consider telling DH that you can't be expected to supervise SD if DH isn't going to stand up and support you with basic rules when you are stuggling with an issue.

It really does stink to be robbed of the cuddly years and responsible during the bratty teenaged years!!! Gah. Nobody wants that.

Anyway, the main problem I see here is with your DH. I know it isn't always practical (I know because we have my skids full-time too) but to the extent possible, your DH needs to take the helm with making and enforcing rules with SD. After all, he let SD be picked up after her curfew!!!

The responsibility of child-rearing cannot be more important to YOU than it is to your DH. I know it is awful, but if your DH doesn't care all that much, then I really suggest trying not to stress about caring any more than he does. If he's not going to follow through with the rules he sets, then it will drastically reduce your stress level if you just put the responsibility back on him and let it go...

*hugs*

Thanks for all the encouragement. This week's crises is over. I hopefully won't have one next week as I have made her dreams come true and have made arrangements for her to "stay away from this house until school starts". She will be staying with a relative and babysitting, cleaning, packing and all other assorted things.

She's trying to say that we just want her away from boyfriend but it's actually just to give us time to talk, write down rules, and cool off.

I'm hoping she enjoys time away I know her Aunt will enjoy having her!

Years and years ago (In a galaxy far, far away) I once had my girlfriend's mean-ager live with me for the full summer. I LOVED IT! My girls were 7 & 4 at the time and Amy was 14. She babysat, helped keep up the house, and was out of her mother's hair. When the teen is not your own (or your step teen), they seem so much better. Why didn't I farm my yougnest out when she was a teen? hmmm...could have saved us both some grief!!

ah yes, the mean-ager years. nature's cruel joke.

so sorry you're dealing with all of this thank goodness you realize that she is all lizard brain and hormones now and nothing she is thinking makes much sense.

i found the empowering parents website really valuable for outlining how to establish and enforce rules without giving kids an in to challenge, negotiate, or otherwise try to weasel out of them.

the hard part is going to be getting your DH to stick to them. it's that danged sucker juice they get filled with when their kids are little and cute. takes a while to wear off.

hang in there sweetie! (((hugs)))

I totally understand where you are coming from. My DH works long, strange hours and has since the beginning of our marriage (going on 10 years in a month). The kids are now SD17 and SS15. SD17 has been a handful since the beginning. I have just made it where if there is a decision to be made I say "ask your Dad". She then has to talk to him. Be it at home or work. It is good that DH has an open door policy with the kids too. Then, when those situations arise and DH is not home SD and I both know what is going to happen and I just enforce the DH's decision.
Ours is a little easier since DH and I have the same ideas on discipling, etc. I know the answer 90% of the time but I want him to be the "bad guy" not me.

For some reason, teenaged girls have it hard wired in their heads that lying is OK if:

It gets them what they want;
It gets them out of trouble.

I'm not sure how to break them out of the habit, but the bottom line is to stick to your guns, as you did, and don't back down.