Hi all,
I'm new to posting here, but have been lurking and getting advice from all of you ladies for a few years. I finally felt the need to post because I am quite literally at the end of my rope.
My story is much the same as everyone else's: my DH has a child (7) with a woman whom he had a brief relationship with. The relationship was brief because he soon found out that she was quite unstable. She got pregnant before he figured this out. Anyway, she has been out of control ever since and is now being investigated by the child welfare authorities where we live. We have reason to believe that she has severe psychological issues (or personality disorders) which make her a dangerous caretaker for DH's child.
Long story short, she has lived to make our lives difficult from the very beginning (we've been together almost 7 years). For 7 years we have had to deal with her attempting to sabotage our relationship, the relationship between my DH and his child and the relationship between myself and my step-child. I won't go into detail about the stunts she has pulled, I'm sure if you just all imagine the worse you'll have a pretty clear picture. The problem is that DH and I now have a child of our own and my ability to "tolerate" this situation has decreased dramatically. I can no longer just disengage and deal with the stress on my own. My DH and I have finally reached an all-time high stress level and I'm tired. I'm tired of the same fights, I'm tired of having no control over my life, I'm tried of always having to be the bigger person, I'm tried of having no one to talk to or who understands, I'm tired of living in fear of what this woman will do next, I'm tired of worrying about the affect this will have on my child, I'm tired of feeling resentment towards my DH, I'm tired of having to hide everything from this woman so that she can't go after us for more money, or harass my family or make more false allegations. I'm just so DAMN TIRED.
We've tried counselling, but all that happens is my DH gets more defensive about his child and the situation and I end up feeling even more alone than ever.
Any advice on how to cope? I've tried meditation and exercise. I've tried seeking a lawyer's advice, I've tried speaking with the police (re: the harassment), I've tried reading books. It seems to get worse.
I know you all have your problems too, otherwise why would there be a need for this board? But I am just so desperate for relief from this. Sorry for the rant.
Sisyphus
Welcome! this board has saved me alot; I read it daily and it really makes me feel so much better. Vent all you like you are definitely not alont with your problems
(07-02-2010 05:43 PM)lilprincess Wrote: [ -> ]Welcome! this board has saved me alot; I read it daily and it really makes me feel so much better. Vent all you like you are definitely not alont with your problems
Thanks so much! It's so sad that there are so many of us, hence so many children stuck in the middle ;-(
You might just be living in my house. I would say two things. First, it does get easier as the skids get older. There is less need to communicate with the BM. But in the meantime, it's up to DH to control the situation. I fought for years to get him to limit communication with her, etc. He wouldn't do it. I finally blocked her e-mails on his account, and to our home phone. (He can always be reached by cell. She would just call and call and call). And then one day she got angry enough that she blocked his calls to her cell phone. It's been great. And he's realized that there is no reason to have her constant intrusion into his life. Now he still gets incessant phone calls and nasty text messages (like 20+ a day) when she flies into one of her lunatic rages, but if he won't block them, that's his problem. At least it's out of my home. And for the most part, he doesn't answer her calls when he's with me. So I'd say to keep pressure on DH to make your life in your home bearable. If he wants to engage in the drama, he should keep it away from you.
Hey, there! Glad you can rant here. I know what you mean about being TIRED of the BM and her intrusion into your life. Re: coping...now that I have a DD of my own, I focus on her and how much fun she is (she's six and a half months). I don't allow BM to have any control over my moods anymore...it led my DH and I to separate for a few months and we're stronger than that. We too are in counselling and it's mostly a place for us to vent about our frustrations over her. We've created a BM free house. If there is something that needs to be dealt with, we'll go for coffee or whatever to discuss it. It's a hard road and I feel where you are coming from. Hang in there!
Welcome.
No advice. Just welcome.
Put a wedge under the rock so it doesn't roll any further down the hill, and have a virtual umbrellie drink with us.
Yes, I think a lot of us on here have been where you are now. My home was what your home is at one time too. It actually did put a wedge between my DH and myself. We had a 6 month split while I was pregnant for my BD.
My husband has 3 children from 3 previous relationships. I used to deal with 3 ex's on a regular basis. I don't do it anymore. That is my DH's drama, not mine. I separate myself from all of their drama mamma issues. I just wait in the corner to support my DH and my skids when necessary. The ex's can all run my DH and me down and say what they want about my DH and myself to their kids. But the kids know that I love them and their father. The kids are all pretty much old enough now to see who is doing what and who is not. The kids all know that they can come to me and talk about anything. It has all started to work for me better now that I separate myself from all the negativity and drama. I hope that you can find that peace also. Your not alone in your struggles. We all know exactly where you are coming from. I still get stressed and worried sometimes about the whole situation sometimes, but I have learned to let it go.
It may seem a little cold and detached but the way I feel now is there is nothing I can do about it, nothing at all. So I just let it go.