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I am sorry, this is long, but I have to get some advice on what we are supposed to do about SS12. I have written a couple of posts about the goings on in my crazy world, but for those of you that aren't familiar with my story, here is a quick run-down:

Skids (SS12 and SD10) used to be with us 50/50. No CS was involved and we had occasional issues with BM, but nothing too major. Just the usual BM BS. Well a year ago my husband's job transferred him to another state and he either moved or was out of a job, so we moved. For 6 mos we fought with BM regarding $ and custody and eventually went to mediation and gave her primary custody with legal joint custody and we pay her CS every week. We now live 1000 miles away from the kids. We get the kids for the summer, every Spring Break and alternating holiday's along with 4 long weekends per year. I can honestly say when we moved, we thought that BM would go out of her way trying to prove that she is mother of the year, but long story short - she is doing everything she can to completely screw up the kids! She divorced her second husband shortly after we moved and moved in her BF immediatley - before 2nd hubby was even moved out all the way! The kids loved their SD as he was with them longer than DH and BM had been together. Needless to say, BM said it wasn't a big deal and that the kids were happy and she thought they would be fine. So, we have tried to remain calm and try to go with the flow with the craziness that the kids are enduring, but I don't know if we can much longer.

So, to the cops part, SS12 is a royal pain - he hates school, hates us, hate his mom, hates life, etc. He is getting all F's on his report card and more than likely will be held back. There have been interventions with the school, BM and DH - and nothing is working! BM called DH and said that she wants SS12 in counseling because he has no self esteem and she's worried, yet she refuses to own her part in why SS12 is the way he is. She doesn't punish him at all - she doesn't check his work, she doesn't make sure stuff is turned in, she does NOTHING! So, the other night, DH calls SS12 for there twice a week call and DH mentions school. Immediately, SS12 gets upset, denies any wrong doing, etc. So, DH drops it and says they'll talk again next week, but for SS12 to pick his chin up and try harder. Well, after that all hell broke lose, because he refused to complete his homework, a fight erupted and SS12 called BM names, told her he hated her and he wished she were dead. She ended up smacking him in the face! So, when she walked out of the room to cool down, he called 911 and hung up. So 911 calls back and BM tries to explain what happened and as she's doing that, SS12 is in the background yelling, "HELP!" So, the cops came out. They talked to BM and talked to SS12 and ended up leaving without doing anyhting major. So, BM calls the next day about counseling and then, she drops the bomb about the cops coming to their house. She refuses to let SS12 come live with us because she doesn't want SS12 to feel like she's giving up on him, but I can't help but feel like she's being selfish and denying him the opportunity to live in a better environment.

Has anyone sles dealt with a similar situation? If so, how'd you handle BM? My DH has a hard time calling her out on stuff because he hates the conflict, but he was devastated to learn that she smacked him and that they have the drama of the cops, etc. - because somewhere in all this craziness is SD10.

I appreciate any advice, or insight into what our next step should be. I feel so lost right now.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation. It is so hard to be so far away and feel powerless to improve your skids lives.

I don't know if I can be any help at all, but I will tell you what we did. Last spring, we decided to take BM2 to court to try to get custody of the skids. We have a laundry list of complaints about BM2, but the braking point was when she decided to marry a man who was controlling and abusive (she is that way, too, so that made it worse). The skids weren't being abused, but it is a terrible environment for them to be in. We went to court and it was a pain, but we thought we had a good chance of winning (in fact, the court initially awarded DH custody, but was then called out by BM's lawyer for not following the proper procedure). Anyway, about half way through, BM2 divorced her husband. Around that time, she decided that she would ask the skids if they wanted to live with us and whoever said they did could come here. SS wanted to move, so he did (he's been living with us since August). Anyway, we didn't push the issue with the other kids becuase she was divorcing that man. Believe me when I say that it was a complete shock to us when BM2 decided to settle rather than fight it out in court (we suspect part of her motivation was thinking that she might lose all her kids).

Sometimes, things get to a point where you know that the kids are not in a good situation and it is your duty as a parent to try get your children out of it. Maybe you should consider taking her to court. I know the expense and the pain of court; we avoided it for a long time. But maybe you should consider it. I will say that there were times when DH wanted to just drop the case because of the difficulties of it all and because he thought it was futile (like when BM's lawyer stepped in and made things more difficult), but we decided that, in this particular situation, it was better to try and lose than to do nothing. At least that way DH knew that he did the best he could for his kids.

Again, I have little faith in the court systems in this country, so I don't know if that is the best solution, but it worked (kind of) for us. (Sorry for the rambling)

Hugs!

Have you talked to an attorney about going after custody?

I don't have much advice for you, but maybe court is the only chance you really have at changing his life...even if it means that BM will straighten him up for fear of looking bad in court.

BUT I wanted to point out that you don't necessarily know WHAT happened over there. The cops were probably called, I doubt that would be lied about, but maybe something else happened? Just a thought...I'm not saying anything did or didn't happen but I'm trying to remind you that unless you're there and see it all you don't know the whole story, either way.

Now your situation is my fear with regards to what could happen to my skids this year. Our BM is getting ready to remarry and she's so much like your BM. My SD9 is showing signs of acting like your SS12. Our living situation is much closer to BM...20 mins away. I have a strong feeling that since my SD9 is having so much trouble, BM may end up giving up on her as well.

I would definitely try to get BM to give your SS12 up to you guys. If that doesn't work, I would definitely try going to court. Counseling may be a great idea, but BM not only needs to communicate with your DH about this, but they BOTH have to be actively involved with that process and unfortunately, you guys are too far away. Your SS12 is at a crazy age as well and this healing process could take a very long time anyway, but what other choice do you all have at this point?

Perhaps DH needs to tell BM that doing the right thing for their son means she's actually being a better mother to him. It seems like BM needs more encouragement (not taking sides here, believe me) to do right by her son. Sometimes positive reinforcement can work wonders. It just seems like she's dying to get rid of him anyway, but just doesn't want to be SEEN as a "bad mother".

CC

Partyof6, that has to be so hard to deal with being so far away from the skids. Hugs! I haven't dealt with this type of situation, but it seems as if some counseling would be helpful (even for BM--smacking SS is terrible, but he sounds like a real tough case). If you ahve the resources, try to change the CO.

I think BabyCC has a good point--"Perhaps DH needs to tell BM that doing the right thing for their son means she's actually being a better mother to him. It seems like BM needs more encouragement (not taking sides here, believe me) to do right by her son. Sometimes positive reinforcement can work wonders. It just seems like she's dying to get rid of him anyway, but just doesn't want to be SEEN as a "bad mother"."