Return of the STEPMOMS
In Medford, they're trying to make old fairy tales go away

by Sally Friedman

One night, Jeannie Kelly went in to say goodnight to one of her fiance' Tim's three daughters from his former marriage. It felt like a tender moment with Megan, then about five.

And as Jeannie leaned over to kiss the little girl's cheek, Megan hauled off and slapped her in the face. So much for tenderness...

For Jeannie Kelly, then 29 years old, and about to become a stepmother, that moment was a sobering reminder of what she was in for. And even seven years into a happy marriage to Tim, this stepmother still has tough times.

"I've worked hard at building the right relationships with my three stepdaughters, all of whom live with us, and we've finally worked things out;' said this Medford woman who now has another two children with Tim. "But to say it was difficult would be an understatement."

Blame it on Cinderella. The wicked stepmother in that tale ruined it for generations of stepmothers who don't deserve the bad rap so many of them get. And for America's blended families, that lingering image is no laughing matter.

With over 50 percent of the nation's families no longer fitting the traditional definition of biological mom/dad/kids, stepmothers may have strength in numbers. But until recently, many had to endure the old fairy tale stereotypes.

The issues are mighty for stepmoms: How will the children adapt? How will the former spouse accept her? And what will be the impact of stepchildren on a marriage?

Jeannie Kelly, now 35, chronicles a typical experience.

"I was a little put off when I began my relationship with Tim and learned about his three kids, but I figured we could work things out," recalled Jeannie of those early courtship days. The couple dated for two years, and early in the relationship, Jeannie met Tim's daughters.

"Being with them made it real for me. I understood that this was never going to be a 'just the two of us' relationship. Ten months into it, we broke up. Tim was very protective of the girls, and just wasn't setting boundaries."

Then Tim went into counseling because he realized how complex the situation was - and how much he wanted it to work. "He started talking to the girls about his feelings for me, and that made the critical difference." said Jeannie. who is now part of a household that includes her three stepdaughters, two of whom are teenagers, and a three-year-old daughter and seven month old son, her own biological children with Tim. Tim's daughters live with him, not their biological mother, because it turned out to be the wisest choice for everyone.

"Now, there's no difference between my stepdaughters and my own children there's nothing I wouldn't say to them. And of course we argue about the normal things clothes, hair, the phone."

Two of Jeannie's stepdaughters call her "mom." The oldest calls her "Jeannie" by her own choice.

Monthly sessions with a family counselor, along with weekly family meetings to discuss schedules and iron out problems, help keep the lid on things. Jeannie also gets a lot of help and support from her own widowed mother, who lives nearby.

And the other thing that has helped her enormously, and has become invaluable, is her involvement with a group aptly named "Stepmoms on a Mission" (SMOMS).

"Everything I ever read about being a stepmother talked about surviving, enduring, making it through," said Cathryn Bond Doyle of Medford, a divorced woman with no children who married a man with a young son six years ago. Michael Doyle shares joint custody of his son with his ex-wife.

What Cathryn was to learn was that sometimes, it's the relationship with the ex-spouse that can be the most tangled.

Determined to be the absolute best . stepmother she could be, Cathryn, ironically a relationship coach herself, did everything she knew how to be - that is, perfect. But no matter what she did to be accommodating, her son's biological mother made life difficult.

"So I went to existing support groups and found that the stepmothers in them were simply venting their anger," said Cathryn, who had her own litany of outrages. "But I wanted to heal, not just endure and survive. So I decided to form my own group."

Stepmoms on a Mission began when six women in South Jersey responded to a meeting notice Cathryn placed in a local newspaper two years ago. And it began with a very focused goal.

"We were committed not just to processing our anger, but also to finding solutions through creative problem solving. Nobody left our weekly meetings without some goals," said SMOMS' founder. Soon, the core group was expanding, with other stepmothers from the region invited to join the original members one night a month.

"We often get women in crisis who really need a hand, who need to vent their sadness - AND find some answers," said Cathryn. "We don't end our meetings until everyone gets something to carry away."

Jackie Watson was one of the "pioneers" who came to the group when she married her husband Jaime - and found herself step-mothering a nine-year-old boy named Casey.

''At first, it was just devilishly hard," said this professional musician who found herself out of harmony with her new husband about her role with Casey, who spends half his time with the couple. "We were arguing all the time," said Watson, who still travels from the outskirts of Philadelphia to attend the group. "I would point out Casey's flaws, and his dad resisted my involvement. When I found Cathryn's name on the Internet, I emailed her at three in the morning after a terrible fight with Jaime. Her answer was amazing, and I knew I'd found what I needed."

Today, through SMOMS, Watson has found creative solutions to her problems, and her stepson is as delighted as she is that life in the household is far smoother. "This turns out to be a wonderful experience - nothing like my fantasies, but rich and full and challenging," said Jackie. "We're now a much happier threesome!"

The issues are as varied as the stepmoms themselves. But the anthem of the group remains constant: Practice extreme self-care, learn anger management and healthy anger processing skills, and practice creative problem-solving.

Today, Stepmoms on a Mission is part of the Step family Association of America, a non-profit organization dedicated to successful stepparenting and is listed on this umbrella organization's web site, www.stepfamilies.info. Cathryn Bond Doyle is devoting more and more time to growing the organization via her own web site, www.stepmomsonamission.org.

"I hope to give women around the . country a template with which to start their own chapters so that we can sow , the seeds of hope where despair so often grows," said Cathryn, who is also in discussion with the producers of "Oprah" to arrange an appearance on the show.

"SMOMS has a message," emphasizes its founder. "We think we can find ways to love our husbands, our kids and our stepkids. We believe that there can be joyful stepmothering - and those are two words you don't often find in the same sentence!" .:.