Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms wrote in, Cathryn replied​.
Cathryn's Mailbox
2 Youngsters I can't control.

3 yr old SS crying all the time!

A bio-mom worried about new stepmom in her daughter's life- can we help?

About ready to throw in the towel!

About to become a step parent and am terrified!

Bio mom badmouthing me to my stepson & he repeats to me & my kids.

Bio-mom back & I'm hurt by her impact-what can I do?

Bio-mom doesn't want me present at any of my skids school events.

Bio-mom is online stalking & has issues w/ pictures of skids.

Bio-mom physically assaulted me & telling skids it was the other way around?

Bio-mom used me, I drew a line, she’s angry--now what?

BM doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on?

Clarifying Mission Statement for SMOMS-revised

Dealing w/ bio-mom who doesn't want to get along with me?

Dealing w/ Deceased Bio Mom's Extended Family

Dealing with SD at my young age

DH finds out he has a daughter-I feel terrible

DH sets no Boundaries for SD20-what to do?

DH w/3 bio-kids not trying to bond w/ my 2 bio kids.

Do I love my ss? I don't know.

Does the BB help or hurt with issues?

Don't know where I went wrong

Ever Feel Like Leaving?

FDH feels guilty about leaving BM & allows her to excessively call/text/email him.

Feeling like invisible parent to stepson- help!

Feeling like the enemy in my own house: Teen SD

Feeling resentment towards my SS & can't connect

From BB- A Ritual for you & your beloved

From BB: Self-awareness can hurt...why is that?

Help w/situation that dad, biomom & skid all agree on but I don’t feel is best

Holiday traditions? Some ideas from sister SMOMS

How can I find the right balance & Boundaries?

How can I handle my SD8 who loves negative attention?

How do I cope w/DH's need for perfect family when I'm more realistic about it?

How do I deal with a lying SD, her bio-mom & the ex-step mom?

How do I deal with all the hurt and anger?

How do I help her understand that chores and rules don't mean that I don’t love her?

How do I stop SD from lying to me, DH, BM, and BM's boyfriend?

How to accept bio-mom's "bad" choices?

How to deal w/ unkind skids, ex-wife, MIL costing me my relationship?

how to deal w/SD choosing bio-mom for school play?

How to handle bio-mom who keeps asking for more $$$?

How to handle it when skids away Christmas Day?

How to help ss, when BM encourages him to lie?

How to help when bio-mom returns

How to let go of the single life I thought I saw going to live versus being SMOM?

How to make transition easier for skids?

how to step back in after stepping out?

Husband still feels guilty, his kids in their 30’s

I am frustrated with my skids 99% of the time...help!

I feel jealous of DH's ex & unheard by DH-Help!

I feel left out & sort of invisible w/ grown SD’s

I really love my FDH, but really wish his daughter didn't exist?

I want a better relationship w/ teen stepson

I want a Closer relationship w/ stepdaughter

I want my bed back

I would like to know how to change my attitude towards my new inherited family

I'm at the end of my tether... Stepchildren don't seem to like me.

If you're in the mood for SMOMS Pep Talk-read this!

Invested so much love, time, energy & $$...seems it's never enough

It's too much work- I need help from DH & Family!

Jealous of sister-in-law & Skids-what can I do?

Just jealous or maybe time to leave?

Local support stepmom groups???

My DH doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt

My husband stays at his mothers when he has his daughter for the night.

Need better coping skills but..how to do so…

Not a step mom yet but need some guidance

Open for your Questions in March 2015

Right now, I HATE being a Stepmom!!!

Self-Pity-it's an emotional numbing,energy draining tactic

Someone to talk to when things come up or whenever?

SS5 keeps throwing his BM in my face! Help!

Struggling w/ a jealous stepdaughter

Stubborn DH and sexually active teenage SS

teenage step daughter & car...Ugh!

the problem is my partner...why is he fighting my efforts?

Transitions and Coparenting Struggles

Trouble coping w/BF's newborn & ex.

Venting Guidelines- A Requested approach

What are reasonable expectations?

What are these letters?

What boundaries do I need to set with husband and sd?

What can we do about the rage! I "Lost it" last night. Help!

What to do about disrespectful 20 yr/old SS

What to do when Bio mom starts turning step daughter against me?

what to do when step child stops saying I love you?

When bio-mom sends stuff from life w/your DH?

When BM causes drama, how to prevent that impacting my relationship w/ the skids?

When to call it quits? What to do?

When winning more important to bio-mom than getting along

Why do things Skid's say bother me so & what to do?-Updated!

Why does it bother me that my skids don't recognize how much their father does for th

Why does my ss's rudeness bother me so?

Why does my stepson Idolize his bio-mom????

Why don't I matter in the family?

Why so jealous? What about irrational fears?

Need better coping skills but..how to do so…
Question:  I have e-mailed you before about my SD16.  She was allowed huge allowances with a 19 year old BF, got pregnant last summer, and it was all taken care of by BM.  

Last week, on Wednesday, she got her driver's license.  My husband and I gave her my car, which is 6 years old, and I bought a new car. We had a family meeting on Thursday night, the next day, to determine rules for the car.  SD had a complete attitude the whole meeting. Things got very heated.  I did not say much until the very end.  The whole thing was upsetting.  

The next day, Friday, we find out at 11pm that she backed into a parked car, and not just any parked car, MY GRANDMOTHER'S CAR!  I had heard DH on the phone very loudly from all the way upstairs and I was like, “oh, god, what now?”  So when he tells me I basically lose my shit.  I said she has the effing car ONE DAY!  And I tell him I am not dealing with this, even though it was my grandmother, she has to deal with it, meaning SD.  

Well, of course, BM handles it, calling my grandfather, working out the details.  I was boiling mad and it ruined our whole weekend, save for Sunday.

My question is how do I develop better coping skills when things like this come up, because this is par for the course with SD.  I know more issues are on the horizon.  I would love for everything to just roll right off, but I have not been successful so far at that.  And DH was like, well, at least she hit someone's car we know, instead of a stranger.  That brought me no comfort.  What can I do?


Cathryn’s Reply: 

Boy oh boy can I relate to your feelings. It makes complete sense to me why you lost your temper at this experience.  It’s rarely one things that pushes us over the edge of our tempers, but a string of many things we do our best to try to talk ourselves calm.  It also rarely works long term. 

What can you do?  Over the years, I’ve found that the best thing you can do for yourself is begin to get curious about why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling with a lovingly patient curiosity.  I say it that way because it is about looking deeper than just at the situation. You’d have to be a robot to not have feelings about the single situation you described. 

Here you and your DH give her a car (very generous) and she gives you attitude the first day (very ungrateful) and then has an accident with your own grandmother’s car (Very thankful your Grandmother is OK) and then the people around her handle it.  Grrr!!!  On your Behalf…Grrr!

Here is a link to an article that was previously on the Members’ site.  I’m posting it on the free public list of articles because I’ve had a few emails about this and want to share.  For much more discussion, support and other Stepmom on a Mission stories, Please join us on the site. 

Why we get furious when Skids get away with things

Nowadays it is hard to know how much of our frustration with teenage stepkids is because they are our stepkids or because teenagers of today are a new breed of teens—in many ways.  Please see our favorite look about teenagers, “Get out of my life but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall?:  by Anthony Wolf.  He is funny, wise, pragmatic and have a proven track record with so many of us. 

Wishing you new levels of awareness and self-support from reading the article.

Kind Regards, Cathryn
Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms on a Mission®
PO Box 7, Medford NJ 08055
609.206.2009
Cathryn@smoms.org