Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms wrote in, Cathryn replied​.
Cathryn's Mailbox
2 Youngsters I can't control.

3 yr old SS crying all the time!

A bio-mom worried about new stepmom in her daughter's life- can we help?

About ready to throw in the towel!

About to become a step parent and am terrified!

Bio mom badmouthing me to my stepson & he repeats to me & my kids.

Bio-mom back & I'm hurt by her impact-what can I do?

Bio-mom doesn't want me present at any of my skids school events.

Bio-mom is online stalking & has issues w/ pictures of skids.

Bio-mom physically assaulted me & telling skids it was the other way around?

Bio-mom used me, I drew a line, she’s angry--now what?

BM doesn't want her kids, then does-what's going on?

Clarifying Mission Statement for SMOMS-revised

Dealing w/ bio-mom who doesn't want to get along with me?

Dealing w/ Deceased Bio Mom's Extended Family

Dealing with SD at my young age

DH finds out he has a daughter-I feel terrible

DH sets no Boundaries for SD20-what to do?

DH w/3 bio-kids not trying to bond w/ my 2 bio kids.

Do I love my ss? I don't know.

Does the BB help or hurt with issues?

Don't know where I went wrong

Ever Feel Like Leaving?

FDH feels guilty about leaving BM & allows her to excessively call/text/email him.

Feeling like invisible parent to stepson- help!

Feeling like the enemy in my own house: Teen SD

Feeling resentment towards my SS & can't connect

From BB- A Ritual for you & your beloved

From BB: Self-awareness can hurt...why is that?

Help w/situation that dad, biomom & skid all agree on but I don’t feel is best

Holiday traditions? Some ideas from sister SMOMS

How can I find the right balance & Boundaries?

How can I handle my SD8 who loves negative attention?

How do I cope w/DH's need for perfect family when I'm more realistic about it?

How do I deal with a lying SD, her bio-mom & the ex-step mom?

How do I deal with all the hurt and anger?

How do I help her understand that chores and rules don't mean that I don’t love her?

How do I stop SD from lying to me, DH, BM, and BM's boyfriend?

How to accept bio-mom's "bad" choices?

How to deal w/ unkind skids, ex-wife, MIL costing me my relationship?

how to deal w/SD choosing bio-mom for school play?

How to handle bio-mom who keeps asking for more $$$?

How to handle it when skids away Christmas Day?

How to help ss, when BM encourages him to lie?

How to help when bio-mom returns

How to let go of the single life I thought I saw going to live versus being SMOM?

How to make transition easier for skids?

how to step back in after stepping out?

Husband still feels guilty, his kids in their 30’s

I am frustrated with my skids 99% of the time...help!

I feel jealous of DH's ex & unheard by DH-Help!

I feel left out & sort of invisible w/ grown SD’s

I really love my FDH, but really wish his daughter didn't exist?

I want a better relationship w/ teen stepson

I want a Closer relationship w/ stepdaughter

I want my bed back

I would like to know how to change my attitude towards my new inherited family

I'm at the end of my tether... Stepchildren don't seem to like me.

If you're in the mood for SMOMS Pep Talk-read this!

Invested so much love, time, energy & $$...seems it's never enough

It's too much work- I need help from DH & Family!

Jealous of sister-in-law & Skids-what can I do?

Just jealous or maybe time to leave?

Local support stepmom groups???

My DH doesn't understand why my feelings are hurt

My husband stays at his mothers when he has his daughter for the night.

Need better coping skills but..how to do so…

Not a step mom yet but need some guidance

Open for your Questions in March 2015

Right now, I HATE being a Stepmom!!!

Self-Pity-it's an emotional numbing,energy draining tactic

Someone to talk to when things come up or whenever?

SS5 keeps throwing his BM in my face! Help!

Struggling w/ a jealous stepdaughter

Stubborn DH and sexually active teenage SS

teenage step daughter & car...Ugh!

the problem is my partner...why is he fighting my efforts?

Transitions and Coparenting Struggles

Trouble coping w/BF's newborn & ex.

Venting Guidelines- A Requested approach

What are reasonable expectations?

What are these letters?

What boundaries do I need to set with husband and sd?

What can we do about the rage! I "Lost it" last night. Help!

What to do about disrespectful 20 yr/old SS

What to do when Bio mom starts turning step daughter against me?

what to do when step child stops saying I love you?

When bio-mom sends stuff from life w/your DH?

When BM causes drama, how to prevent that impacting my relationship w/ the skids?

When to call it quits? What to do?

When winning more important to bio-mom than getting along

Why do things Skid's say bother me so & what to do?-Updated!

Why does it bother me that my skids don't recognize how much their father does for th

Why does my ss's rudeness bother me so?

Why does my stepson Idolize his bio-mom????

Why don't I matter in the family?

Why so jealous? What about irrational fears?

teenage step daughter & car...Ugh!
Hi Cathryn,

I've been a step mom for almost 7 years now, our daughter is almost 15 and will be getting her learners permit soon.  We do not have a close relationship, we actually don't have much of a relationship at all.  I'm basically Tory, dad's wife.  There was another "dad's wife" in between me and her mom(she was little when they divorced, so doesn't have any memories of her mom and dad together).  

I don't have any biological children, we don’t agree on discipline at all.  I believe there should be some and he doesn't (sorry for the sarcasm but it's true)  The most recent situation is over a car of all things.  My husband showed me a picture of a car on an auction and told me he wanted to buy it for me, I was there for the auction and he won it.  The minute we get the car (a BMW) home, he tells me he thinks it would be a good car for our daughter.  I don't know how to explain it but we've had a BMW before(not new) and it caused big problems because our daughter ALWAYS wanted to take the car everywhere we went and bulled up and pouted if we didn't.  

My husband would even leave work in his truck, come by the house and get the car to pick her up at school, bring her home and then get back in his truck and go back to work.  It's really embarrassing to admit that he did that, but he did.  Now she's seen the car (not new by any means) and she doesn't think it's good enough for her.  

She told her dad that she wanted a new $40K SUV and expects it.  Like she expects him to give her EVERYTHING she wants.  IT's unbelievable.  You would have to know the whole situation to get it, but when she was little her mom left them both and he spent tons on her, she even asked him lately why he used to buy her anything she wanted and now he won't.  He told her that back then $100 would please her and now it's thousands.  

I just can't believe it even as I live it and write this to you.  We got into it over this car, because I'm human and have feelings.  He told me that the car was for me (i drive a Cavalier) and don't mind.  It's just that I don't feel appreciated or that my feelings matter.  

He told me I was acting like a 2 year old.  Excuse me, who's acting like a 2 year old?  I have bent over backwards for them both the past 6.5 years and feel taken for granted.  He also told me that I've never had to walk... I told him I wasn't walking when we met(i had a new car that I bought myself. Neither him nor her liked it so we sold it.  

It's not about material things, it about respect, honesty and love.  I feel he never intended the car for me (it's a 2 door and he's told me now that I can't have a 2 door car) it just seems that he had this in mind all along.  He won't deny or admit to this.  

I don't want to fight but feel sick inside over all of this.  I've been having anxiety attacks the past 2 years and don't sleep well at all unless I take something.  

Help, is there anything that you can advise me?
I really appreciated it.
Tory

CATHRYN’S REPLY

Hi Tory,

It’s so hard to describe everything that happens when we’re writing to someone isn’t it? It’s clear that this is not the first time you’ve felt hurt, disrespected or disregarded and I can certainly understand why you would feel sick about it.

I’d like to encourage you to read the long article about feelings resentful, it’s in the Mailbox forum but I think I have the link here so you can go right to it when you’re finished with this. It’s http://www.smoms.org/smomsbb/showthread.php?tid=32504

Below or above it is another post with 5 case studies (Soon to be 6) about stepmoms who’ve shared their personal stories so we could go through them in some detail. I believe you will get some ideas from what they’ve shared and hopefully suggestions from what I’ve offered to them-FYI.

Back to you and your situation: Seems to me that this car thing is a collection of many other things that have been bothering you over time. The proverbial Car that broke the camels back, in your case.

For him to tell you it was for you, change his mind, expect you to go along with it, make you wrong for having feelings about it, then refuse to openly share his thoughts during the process...sounds like a DH dealing with some big divroce guilt and fear. It’s so very painful for us SMOMS and the issues run very deep for them. When the guys are unwilling to acknowledge their impact it causes distance in our connection with them which is also painful (as you know.) When you have a chance, take a look at the Smommentaries as there’s an article about one way to work with your DH about this divorce guilt. It’s not going to address all your issues but may a few.

When divorced Dad’s suffer from this guilt, then feel ashamed about it and/or don’t want to acknowledge it, they can turn into a completely different guy over a car, car-pooling or whatever the issue. I won’t repeat myself here, please see the article for much more about this and how to help you both.

As far as your anxiety is concerned, I get that also. Who wants to feel that our needs are always expected to be ignored or overlooked when they conflict with a stepkid’s? This kind of fathering is really hard on a relationship, so it makes sense that your emotional self would be upset and out of balance. Anxiety is often anger we anticipate but dread having to deal with. from what you’ve shared this is a pattern.

Do you feel that he is never going to address this situation with his daughter?
Is he willing to get some help about this?
How do you think he’ll react if you ask him to set some boundaries with you about what he promises you? Meaning rather than making it about what he does for his daughter, make it about him being better at keeping his word...in the future?

Let’s try this. Would you be willing to read the articles I referred to, then write back to me about where you are after reading all that stuff? Then we can focus the balance of this letter on exactly what you want to do going forward. There’s so much to say and so many possibilities.

If you want to do this, write back and we’ll continue. I’ll pop you to the top of the list whenever I hear back from you so you won’t lose your turn in line.

Looking forward to working with you again, Cathryn
Cathryn's Mailbox
Stepmoms on a Mission®
PO Box 7, Medford NJ 08055
609.206.2009
Cathryn@smoms.org