Putting the Skids first doesn't mean putting yourself last!

Misinterpreting this phrase has led many of us down a path of pain, anger, martyrhood and needless suffering. Why do we do it? What else can we do?

Putting the Skids First doesn't mean putting yourself last!

"Putting the kids first" is a concept that I believe has misled by many well-meaning SMOMS, including me.  Misinterpreting this phrase has led many of us down a path of pain, anger, martyrhood and needless suffering. On the surface, who can argue with that phrase? Who's going to come out and say, "I put myself before the skids!"? We'll it's time to follow the airlines advice and put on our proverbial oxygen masks first so we can be well enough to help anyone else who needs it. 

As Eager Beaver SMOMS we may have entered the relationship with our Skids with great enthusiasm, energy and patience.  Most of the women who are SMOMS are do-ers, care-givers and creative types willing to put effort into their relationships.  

Somehow, our enthusiasm becomes a double-edged sword for us.  Unless our acts of giving are balanced with effective boundaries and self-care, we can find ourselves depleted, hurt, resentful and angry.  Every SMOM completely understands how the Wicked Stepmom myth feels and got started.  We've all felt that way. The only difference is that we SMOMS have decided that we're going to do something about those feelings so we can recapture and then retain our authentic, loving and happy personalities and feelings, no matter what our Skids or their bio-mom do.  That's a heck of a challenge and a noble goal.

Where do we go wrong?  How does this happen? When we apply, "putting Skids First!" to every situation instead of realizing it is only short-hand for, what I believe is the real intention of that phrase. I think it should read:

''Keep the emotional well-being of the skids in mind so that when any hurtful, angry feelings you have tempt you to behave in childish or adolescent ways towards your skids, you will stop yourself and behave in a mature way. This may include upholding boundaries, telling them "No," and modeling wise behavior. It is also important that they know it is safe and "OK" to love both parents AND their Stepparents."

When put this way, doesn't it become clearer about how to behave on a daily basis? It doesn't mean we give them everything they want and do everything they demand from us so they will be happy and hopefully like us.  Oh my, when I think of what I have done (and not done) trying to live up to this, I feel a sense of anger and pathetic-ness, actually.  Many Skids have taken advantage of any number of their situations and behave in spoiled, entitled and hurtful ways.  They don't all do this-thankfully.  I'm addressing the Skids who seems to "work the situation" to their fullest advantage with little regard for their impact. I've yet to find a credible source who tells us we're helping anyone with that kind of behavior.  So...why do we do it try so hard to make the skids feel loved? Here are a few possible reasons:

  1. We think we can make-up for and help heal the emotional wounds from their parent's divorce.  (Not our Job but often a resulting benefit to the skids.)

  2. We overlook our needs and our feelings-eager to help the Skids. Then something happens and we realize our acts of kindness have become expectations and entitlements and we feel like Nanny's and maids for our Skids.   (Not very pleasant.)

  3. We believe if we just keep being nice, thoughtful and loving that our Skid's angry bio-mom and our entitled Skids will wake-up one day and be so thankful that we're in their lives and begin to be nice to us!  (If not yet, sadly not in a million years.)

  4. We hold a set of beliefs (a model) of what it means to be a great Stepmom and doing anything less than everything we can think of, makes us feel bad, wrong, lazy or guilty. (A torturous treadmill for anyone.)

  5. We forget that in our version of the "Happy Family fantasy," the skids are happy, loving and kind in return.  When they do behave and everyone has fun, it somehow resets our endurance meter back to zero and we begin to tolerate things all over again.  (This delusion can cause serious SMOM suffering along the way. Trust me on this one and save yourself great grief.)

  6. We are susceptible to self-deception and delusion in order to avoid the anticipated grief that inevitably follows the death of our Happy Family Fantasy.  (Not bad or wrong, understandible and sad.)

What can we do differently to preserve our loving natures AND do what is right for the Skids AND feel good about ourselves all at the same time?

  1. We can listen more closely to our feelings and let them be Guardians of our boundaries and well-being. When we feel angry we can pause for a moment and ask ourselves, "What needs to be protected or restored right now?  When we feel hurt we can ask ourselves, "What do I need to do right now to nurture myself? To stop the pain?" and then focus on that instead of the incoming trigger. Karla McLaren wrote a good book about this entitled, "Emotional Genius."

  2. We can focus our efforts on "Take Nothing personally!" Pages 47-61 of The Four Agreements. This is a wise essay and reading it is a much more productive use of our attention and our energy.

  3. We can begin to feel and heal the grief that we must face if our Skids and/or their bio-mom are not willing to participate in a positive relationship with us. If the Happy Family Fantasy does die, it is going to transform many aspects of your life. Know you can handle whatever happens.

  4. If the Skids are hostile to you and your guidance, look for ways to step back from (and step out of) activities, chores, disciplinary decisions and discussions that historically have led to angry, hurtful or frustrating experiences.  This can be a hard for several reasons; all which wrap around our beliefs of the "Ideal Stepmom." But there are ways to do this.  

  5. We can take some time to look at what upsets us from OUR perspective.  We can look to see how our beliefs about what skids should (or shouldn't) do are being challenged.  We can look at our own childhood beliefs and wounds to see how their behavior may touch our "Hot buttons." By taking the time to pause, before reacting and checking in with our own feelings, we will usually see that they are doing something we would never do, could never do or would have been punished for and these Skids are seemingly getting away with all of it! This can trigger intense rage. It is not bad or wrong, just very human.  Switching the focus from their behavior to what it is in you that triggers your feelings is worth every ounce of energy you can muster. 

One of the great gifts we offer our Skids is the gift of choice about family life and relationships.  They have the ability to see that things can be done in more than one way.  They have the ability to observe differing approaches to life and this is something that kids with just a Mom and Dad don't have.  After years of trying to enforce polite behavior according to what I believe, I now believe the key is to consciously model the behavior we believe is "the right thing."  We can behave in ways that protect our boundaries.  We can speak about them and model the importance of having healthy boundaries not manipulative or fear based blockages.  Some SMOMS had/have Stepmoms themselves and they talk about how, as they got older, they realized how much their Stepmoms did for them and how much they appreciate them for that.  Ahhhh, the thought is enticing. 

Yet, enduring pain with the hope that one day things will change is NOT the answer.  The answer lies in figuring out how to be your true loving happy giving self, how to live the life that is a reflection of your beliefs and values and to model those beliefs for your Skids.  Being your best Self, caring for yourself as you care for the skids will not guaranty that your skids will love you, but it is a great gift to them-even if they can't see it now. You will be teaching them that it is not OK to push people around, hurt them or treat anyone badly.  When you resist the urge to indulge or endure, you'll be teaching them that there is impact for their good and bad behavior.  Good grateful behavior usually generates more of the same in return. Bad behavior will not be reciprocated but will have consequences. You will be teaching them how to be better human beings.  You will be putting their overall well-being ahead of their immediate desires.  It is a tough love moment. And this can be a tough moment for SMOMS. Skids can be cruel, especially the teenagers who excel in manipulation during their narcisistic years. One of the sad consequences when a SMOM has to stepback to preserve her dignity and self-respect, is that the skids will probably never know all the love and joy they could have shared. When SMOMS can model that we are each responsible for our impact and that kindness, love and respect deserve the same treatment in return, that is putting the skids best interest first.


©2003 Cathryn Bond Doyle. All Rights Reserved.