When Skids get what SMOMs didn't (or don't) have, intense emotions can surge through us. Why is that?

Have you ever noticed how a wave of rage can overtake you when one of your skids gets away with something we would NEVER have gotten away with?

Have you ever felt a jolt of bitterness shoot through you as you watch or hear about your skids receiving all sorts of privileges, material things or experiences even when they have acted badly or even atrociously?

Does the fact that they get stuff without having to earn it, ever stick in your craw or make you feel like you want to scream?

Do you ever finding yourself secretly hoping they will get in trouble for doing something and then have that feeling switch to rage when they do get caught and nothing happens?

Although these feelings may not be pretty or something we like to talk about, many SMOMS have shared experienced them. Over the years I have been observing this phenomenon in myself as well. To me, this overwhelming sense of unfairness and the anger or rage that is triggered comes from an unconscious comparison to our own childhoods.  I think it's triggered more quickly because these skids are not only not our own children, but many are a source of tremendous pain at various times in our lives.  

This combination gives their actions a charged impact for us.  If you add the actions of a husband mired in "divorce guilt to the mix-the reaction can be downright overwhelming. Judging ourselves for feeling what we are feeling is NOT going to help us in any way.  When we judge something or someone all the energy gets locked up and although it can be tempting because being numb can feel better than the pain, it's not healthy or helpful for us. Also, I've noticed that sometimes it's not always the actual activity or situation that upsets us.  Ever notice that a child that you adore (and who adores you back-KEY POINT) could do a similar thing to your skid and you would not only not care but would just fix things or go with the flow or joyfully help them in their situation?  I have noticed that as well.   So what happens and what can we do about it?

Could it be the fact that sometimes skids are unwilling to recognize us as "an adult worthy of respect" like they would a stranger or teacher or parent of their friend?

Over the years I have found it helpful to look into our own upbringing and our own experiences to help us have compassion for the part of us who is upset.  Taking a moment to breathe, recognize, "Hey, this is something deeper than the situation happening right now!" Taking some time to reflect (before reacting) and identify the issue being triggered is VERY helpful and healing for anyone willing to take that detour. What can we do about this sort of thing so we can remain our loving, wise Selves no matter what the Skids do?

Let me review a couple of specific examples and then offer some ideas for ways to get past the upsetting reactions in a new way. Here are a couple of examples that come to mind:

1.Your skid loses his/her lunch box 3 times in the first month of school but one or both of the parents rush to get another and there are no consequences or chores or savings or efforting required from the skid who loses the item.   Some of us feel upset by this, "free pass."

What could it be? Many of us didn't have a bottomless supply of things and we surely had consequences if we lost or broke things.  If we imagined our own inner child watching what our skid was getting away with, doesn't it make sense that she would feel upset about that?  Of course it does.  However, since our inner child, isn't physical many of us don't understand or believe that those feelings could still be alive and real after all this time.  Well, I believe that feelings are timeless and being a SMOM for 10 years has solidified that belief.  

When I first realized it could be old stuff for me, I found some quiet time and then shut my eyes and invited a younger me to come sit with me and tell me what she was thinking and feeling and I asked her what she needed from me. Boy oh boy did I get a surprise!  This little me, in my imagination, was about 5 and she was incredibly upset. I was really amazed at how real all of this felt.  After the anger, came the tears, after the tears came that deep breath and the need for major TLC.  It was not a weird thing or even scary, but it was profound for me and over the years as other SMOMS have tried this technique.   The insights gained can be very profound.  

What did she want from me? She wanted me to pay more attention to her needs.  She wanted to be heard, which parents didn't really do back then.  She wanted my attention.   Giving her a voice, even in my imagination, was a huge step in shifting how I viewed what my stepson did.  Now before you go thinking I am nuts, give it a try and see what happens in your imagination.

2. Your skid speaks rudely to you, to his/her father and there are no consequences or even corrections made for this behavior. That could upset a SMOM.

What could be happening here? Again for many of us, it wouldn't have occurred to us to speak to our parents, much less another adult in the ways the kids of today are talking with their parents.  For many or us, we grew up believing that when we were adults, kids would speak to us with respect, or there'd be heck to pay.  So when they speak rudely or disrespectfully to their parents or us and then get away with it, are uncorrected or ignored, a part of us rises up within us and says, "Wait a gosh darn minute!  This is wrong and something should be done here!"   When their father says or does nothing, our inner child, who was forced to behave starts to balk at the injustice. Ever noticed how when something feels unfair-it can strike a chord in us?   Becoming aware that this is happening can help us process the situation and our feelings in more productive ways. In this situation it can be helpful to check in with your personal boundaries before you create an action plan or even react.   Were they speaking to you directly or did you observe this? Did you speak up for yourself, expressing that that is not OK or did you stay quiet for some reason and now you feel "slimed?" What can you do to make yourself feel better about the situation? Do you need to clarify something with your husband so are clear about disciplinary options?

3. You want to keep the boots in the laundry room (or the back packs off the floor, etc.) but the skids want to keep them somewhere else and your hubby tells you that you're too controlling and lets them keep the boots wherever they want them.  That could upset a SMOM who feels like she should have some say in her own home.

What's happening here is similar to the previous situation.   How many of us grew up being told that when we got a house of our own WE could set the rules and naively believed this would be true?  How many of us looked forward to the day when we could determined what was and was NOT OK in our own homes?  Probably most women. However, wouldn't it be interesting to see how many bio-moms would be OK having a neighborhood kid come into their house and speak rudely to them, not listen to them or take things without permission?  I don't think people really understand how this feels.  To me, it feels like rage and like being powerless in a place that was supposed to be under our rules and a safe haven for us.

Understanding what our beliefs are can be a great source of understanding why we react as we do.  This acknowledgment is the first step in gaining some sense of peacefulness in the chaos.

4. You have a set of table manners that you feel are appropriate for eating at your table but your skids are able to get away with things that you feel are unacceptable and/or ruin the dinner time for you and your family. 

What's going on with this concern?    You worry about how they'll learn to behave well in public yet you are unable to get them to comply with your requests and your hubby is unwilling to support enforcing your wishes. I bet you're already ahead of me on this one.  Of course we want these skids to grow up to be polite, thoughtful, kind and loving people and when they are in our homes and we are caring for them we feel it's our duty, role, job, responsibility, etc. to help them.  Right?  Whatever is going on in our belief system (rule books) is going to be jolted when we are not supported or listened to by the skids or our husband.  

Add to that the fact that because we are not being supported, they may not learn the things we think all kids should learn.  That could trigger the sense that we are not doing our jobs.  And this is another upsetting trigger for many of us, especially when the bio-mom hasn't shown any real interest or set any expectations for good manners. How do we let go of feeling like we should teach the children who live with us and who we care for?   How can we feel good in our homes when there are people in the house who are unwilling to respond, with respect to our requests?

Recognizing the impact of our beliefs and our childhood experiences on our reactions to our skids is a big step forward in learning how to hold onto our wisdom, kind nature and happy personalities no matter what the skids do. Yes, much easier said than done.   However over the years we are finding it helps SMOMs take better care of ourselves and NOT get hooked by the skids and their attempts to hook us or lash out at us because of their own anger at the situation.   As the adults, I believe we are the ones who are more able to learn how to stay grounded and wise so we can stop the ricocheting of anger and hang onto our well-being.