Things I've learned about being a Stepmom

By Cathryn Bond Doyle

Over the past year or so it has become clear to me that at least 3 things Stepmoms who gravitate towards SMOMS have in common are: 

1. We are "Do-ers." In the face of difficulty we are willing to take action and expend effort and try new ideas and seek help.

2. We love (or want to love) our Skids because we want the happy family we believe is possible.

3. Our Skid's Bio-mom is not interested in getting along with us and makes that clear in a wide range of behaviors.

I've been a SMOM for almost 7 years and in all this time, I have been unable to convince, cajole or control my skids' bio-mom into having any kind of civil, kind or cooperative relationship with me.  Last month, I was hiking in the Adirondacks (NY) and I suddenly began to make a list of the things I was finally realizing.  I have been accused of being an optimist, bordering on delusional for most of my life and something has shifted in me that I seem to be more willing to accept the fact that no matter how kind or deferential or thoughtful or eager to please or willing to overlook or  assertive or whatever I have done to try to connect with this woman, she is not going to do it!  I have written about this frustration so many times and I see now that, until now, I was still holding out the hope that she would wake up one morning and realize, "Oh my, I am so lucky that my son has someone in his life who is willing to really love and care for him when I can't be there. I have been foolish, I better call her and apologize for my past behavior so we can work together and help my son become a healthy, happy adult." OK OK! So I was a little bit (a lot) delusional but it was real for me. I kept it alive for so many reason. I also kept this hope alive because the grief that would creep into my heart any time I would let in the possibility that my happy ending was not going to happen was too great for me to handle...until now.   I don't know why NOW but I know that the events of this past spring and summer (and possibly the cumulative impact of the past years) have severed my connection to the future I've been clingingly to with such fervor.

The following is the list that just came to me so fast, I could hardly write fast enough.  There is a lot here, I know.  There are many items I will follow-up on with more details.  I am sharing this list now with the hope that it will help some of you save precious time, heartbreak and anger by triggering some thoughts that help you move forward, wherever you are in your process right now.  

The goal?  Being able to be at peace with ourselves, deeply in-love and connected with our husbands, and in a healthy relationship with our skids no matter what the bio-mom does. OK, here's my list...so far! :-) They are not in any order of importance. This is just the sequence in which I wrote them down. 

Things I've learned about being a Stepmom

1. We are NOT 2nd class citizens just because we are not the Mother of our Skids. We need to treat ourselves with respect and KNOW that we deserve respect as women, the "mother" of the home we care for and as the wife of our husband.
2. I need to learn how to protect myself.  I need to realize that my husband, the school, the courts, the divorce decree or even basic manners will not act as a shield against a bio-mom or skid who is trying to hurt me or cause me pain.
3. I need to acknowledge and forgive myself for staying silent out of fear.  No more fear choices when it comes to using my voice.
4. We should try to determine as soon as possible if the bio-mom is going to be terrific or decent or terrible and then accept that as fact.  As the "Four Agreements" says, and I paraphrase,  "We are lying to ourselves if we don't listen to someone's actions and only hear their words."  Actions do speak louder than words.  We need to "get that" as soon as possible so we don't make ourselves vulnerable out of a desire to connect with someone who has no intention of connecting with us.
5. Kids are connected to their mom's in a way that is unaffected by how they are treated.  As children they tend to believe, if they are treated badly, that it is because they are somehow flawed and this shame-based feeling makes them even more anxious to connect to their Mom's no matter how they are being treated.  It's hard to watch this and accept this, but it is true and proven over and over again. If we can accept that this connection exists, we can save ourselves vast amounts of rage, grief and energy.
6. Bio-Moms who are mean and unwilling to get along do not care that we are kind or loving or thoughtful. In fact, the harder we try to be nice and thoughtful, the more angry it seems to make them. 
7. It is important not to be blinded by the "happy family" future as it can affect our ability to set and hold stronger and healthy boundaries in the present.
8. Loving a child who's not ours, in a hostile situation with the bio-mom) will touch every childhood wound we have.  Motherhood by marriage is a potential path of heartbreak and healing if we can keep mustering the courage to heal our own inner child issues.
9. If the Divorced Fathers don't face, own and resolve their guilt over the divorce, it will cause great stress in our marriage.
10. Our beliefs about what it means to be the "Woman of the House," wife, caregiver of a child will all be challenged when a Skid comes to live with us. It is helpful to become as conscious of our beliefs as possible to find the source of our feelings and to help ourselves.
11. Being a "Mother by Marriage" carries none of the privileges of being a Mom and most of the responsibilities, effort and emotions. That stinks!
12. The absence (or loss) of a child of our own and yet having a Skid to care for will bring up all our grief, especially when our enthusiasm has been depleted or beaten down by problems with the skids or bio-mom.
13. No matter how many people tell you the bio-mom should be so grateful that someone so loving is caring for their child, it doesn't make the bio-mom's actions or lack of cooperation less hurtful. Agreement #2 of "the Four Agreements (page 47-61) is an avenue offering periods of relief.  "Don't take anything personal!" is a noble and worthwhile goal to live by.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't but it is a good tool to have in our first aid kit. (Forgive me for the mixed metaphor.)
14. Skids will act as unwitting emotional Trojan Horses for their bio-mom's energy. Be aware of that when they return to your home after being with the bio-mom.  
15. It is key to have boundaries around your heart so that you don't have to have blockages. (Please see me article about Boundaries for Nice people.)
16. We may not be their Moms but we can be their Merlin's! (More on this in the future!)
17. If St. Francis were still around he'd be very proud of us SMOMS! (I believe he is "around" but it sure would be great to have a conversation with him and get his opinion of applying the "Prayer for Peace" to hostile Bio-moms.
18. We have the right to be respected as adult and as women who are caring for their children.  We deserve at least as much respect as a day care provider. Caring for children is a valid and important role. See #1
19. SMOMS can often see things about the Skids more objectively than the parents, such as discipline and behaviors but I've learned that some parents believe their opinion outweighs ours, no matter how logical, fact-based or accurate our recommendation is...just because they are the Mom or Dad!  If I had understood or accepted this years ago, I would have saved myself hours and hours of research, reading and conversation. Imagine all this time, I really thought I was trying to find a solution that was best for the child?!
20. Loving a child who is not our own flesh and blood leaves us open to the cutting wounds of their anger with no biological tether to assure us the connection will hold or endure the experience. That is very scary!
21. The rage that arises when we realize how out of control we are in any given situation can't be soothed by ranting , complaining, blaming or getting the endless support of people-it can only be diffused with courage to won our own stuff, healthy anger processing tactics, lots of creative problem solving and extreme self care...SMOMS in action.
22. No matter how much we love a child, the Mom, Dad and child(ren) have a connection that's stronger. No matter what experiences or emotions have passed between them, they are connected.  Even though our husbands are completely "over" their ex-wives and even though both parties are over the divorce, the child keeps them connected. Trying to be part of that team, when the bio-mom is not willing to include us  is incredibly painful and virtually impossible.  Accepting that we are an outsider to this inner circle is , well, it's beyond words and only understood by those feeling the feelings.  I will say that accepting this connection exists, and then working to create a new stronger team with our husbands does bring about a lot of healing.
23. Women who open their hearts to love and care for another woman's child(ren) and who are willing to continue to stay and try to make things better and healthier for everyone, even when the bio-mom treats them so badly are truly wonderful, courageous and loving women and I am proud to be part of such a magnificent group of women from all walks of life. We are becoming stronger as we heal and become more conscious of what's happening. Somehow, as sister Stepmoms, we share a journey, a challenge and an experience of emotions that is hard for a non-Stepmom to understand and that sister-SMOM relationship is a gift we give each other.